Friend wrecks dds room.

What a horrible child. She isn’t your dd friend is ruining her things

refuse this girl coming to yours. Your dd can go there or meet outside

Further to earlier In last year of primary dd had a clingy friend who came to our house for a lift to a club each week. Dd told me when the girl began dragging dd away if she spoke to other girls etc. I caught the girl jumping on the sofa (never anllowed here) and quickly told her to get off and if it happened again i wouldn’t let her visit any more. I told the teacher about the odd possessive behaviour and they were sat separately in class. Daughter was grateful agreed to shout up if it started again and fortunately the situation was nipped in the bud.

You really do need to take the advice here and involve the school and do whatever you can to empower your girl.

Agree, if you aren't acting like you think your DD deserves better than to be treated like this then how is she going to think it?

It won’t stop it, though.
In a couple of years it’ll be about smoking, and the absolute impossibility of preventing same.
Also in a couple of years, that awful friend will have a much greater arsenal of destructive habits, and her hold on the daughter will be much deeper.
The mind recoils from behaviour she might inveigle the girl to adopt.

I’d think any 12 year old girl needs a strong defender and adviser at home. (I certainly did, and that was eons ago and without a meanie mate. We’ve enough to be dealing with at that age)
OP would do well to breathe fire at the aberrant friend and dictate without discussion the new terms of engagement. First: she’ll be elsewhere at all times!

@Chickencuddle ,

"Thanks everyone youre right I need to show dd how to stick up for herself."

No. She is 12. You are the adult. You stick up for her. That is how she learns to stick up for herself.

Right now, you have caved to her abuser for years. That's the behaviour you modeled for her, so why do you expect a 12 year old to do different than what you've shown her all along?

You ban that destructive child from your home. You change your daughter's class and activities. You speak with the other mom about the disrespect her daughter is showing by damaging your home.

You change your mindset. You, your daughter, your home, and your things deserve respect. If you don't get that, there is no relationship.

If you can’t stop the visits, then next time the friend came, I would pop into the room once or twice every 30 minutes to do a proper check. Including a visit in the night. Until the message got through…

I feel so so sorry for this poor child. She's being bullied and abused and her Mum is standing around wringing her hands like an absolute wet wally.

Piss awful parenting. 😡

Is this girl the demonic* child whose activities have been reported here on a couple of previous threads?
Scribbling all over walls and valuable possessions in felt pen; trashing everything she goes near, on purpose; bullying the daughter; being smart to adults and so on?
I can’t offer any solution, but goodness I’d stamp out all further visits to your house pronto.
The girl’s parents surely ought to be told I’d have thought, just so the story is kept straight. That the concern is damage control, of your premises.
Let the girls continue as they are, but absolutely not chez vous, since you clearly don’t wish to end this dicey friendship. The girl might exhibit less vicious behaviour at home, and fall into the habit of it.

• demonic: no, not literally. But it’s a justified adjective.

Except all those who say ‘mammy’, of course.
(Double points for that one, when it’s uttered in front of an American. Shock and outrage, and sometimes even a stern lecture about inter-racial sensitivity. True story; I couldn’t stop laughing)

Hey read the thread i apologised its difficult for everyone to get the right balance i am
always unsure if I’m too over protective. Not here for arguments genuinely concerned myself about my child starting high school

I would tell her off big time and threaten to take photos and send bill for paint/renovation to her mom. Then throw them out to play in the garden.

Some good advice here.

I know it's crazy when you're talking about a 12 year old girl but you really need to approach it like leaving an abusive marriage.

I moved school after the May half term of Year 8. My mum sorted everything out with the new school, then she told the head teacher on the day before half term that I wouldn't be coming back. And that was it. I didn't see any of those people again until I saw some of them in a random pub five years later (by which point I had loads of friends and loads of confidence and didn't give a shiny shit).

But the phone point is a really good one as well. Not only do you need to get your DD into another school away from this girl, but they need to not have each other's phone numbers anymore. That means getting a new phone number for your daughter and wiping any trace of this girl's contact details from her phone. If your daughter has any kind of social media (hopefully not at her age) she needs to delete all her accounts and set up new ones with new handles, and block this girl's known social media accounts, phone numbers and email addresses on all platforms.

In reality you probably can't stop your daughter getting in touch with this girl if she is really determined, but you can explain to her why she needs to delete her from her life and you can make it as difficult as possible for the girl to make contact with her.

Say to the Mum, "Charlotte is moving to a new school and changing her phone number. She needs a new start. I know it's not nice to hear, but Isabelle is a bully who deliberately damages and steals her property, won't let her make friends with other children and has destroyed her confidence. I am moving her to another school because I don't want them to be friends anymore. Don't let Isabelle try to contact her and don't come to the house."

100% this. OP your Daughter has only learned about abusive, controlling relationships and thinks this is the norm. You both need professional help to learn healthy boundaries, what normal healthy relationships look like and how to get away from dangerous, controlling people. You have a responsibility to your child to prevent her from ending up in an abusive relationship in the future.
This thread is so distressing to read.

Almost like other cultures exist.

@Chickencuddle Please read this very important post and reflect on it.

At the tender age of 12 your daughter has internalised the idea that this is an acceptable way for her loved ones to treat her.

She has zero experience of what a healthy, mutually respectful relationship looks like, and has zero chance of learning until she's freed herself from the stranglehold this child has her in.

Yes it will be upsetting and painful for her to lose the person she sees as her only friend. But it absolutely has to be done if she is to make any other friends.

"Oh but they've been friends since they were four!" is the sunk costs fallacy talking.

For what it's worth, I moved schools when I was 13 and have retained precisely zero friends from before that age.

I have also frequently observed other friends and partners of mine stuck in baffling, unhealthy, toxic friendships with people they have known since they were four, and with whom they have absolutely nothing in common besides having known each other since they were four.

Having been friends with someone since you were four is not a reason to stay friends with them. It's actually a reason to re-evaluate whether they are a positive person in your life, and whether you would choose to be friends with them if you met them today.

A "friend" who destroys your confidence in the way this girl has done is not someone she should keep in her life.

She wouldn't be welcome in my home again, and would have to socialise at the park instead

You need to be clear in your own head, and in the way you react to this, that this relationship is bad for your daughter in several ways.
You also need to give yourself a bit of a shake. Your daughter needs to be able to act independently of this other girl. She NEEDS this life skill.
She needs to know how to make friends. How to rub along with people she doesn't know well. Manage new social situations. She is currently wrapped in a toxic safety blanket and you have to do something about it. The inconvenience of a bit of damaged paint is minor by comparison.

Great, insightful posts from @MissScarletInTheBallroom and @MirrorMirror70

Please take what they are sharing seriously. This child is not your DD's friend. She is having a negative influence on her life and it won't suddenly stop without your help.

Don't let this child teach your daughter that coercion and control is a way of life. Time to step in and protect your DD - better that she is alone for a while than under the spell of someone who doesn't want the best for her.

A bully who is probably manipulative and is the reason your DD doesn't have many other friends.

You need to talk to your DD about frenemies.

I think you need to ban this girl from your house and do all you can to sabotage their friendship. I get that your DD will be distressed and I'm sure that things will get worse before they get better. It is still the right thing to do in the long run.

It doesn't sound like she's able to stand up for herself and you need to be the adult and help her out of this abusive relationship. The longer this goes on the more harm will be done to her.

You reaction is the same behaviour your daughter has learnt and frankly is why your daughter is allowing someone to treat her so poorly. You have time to change direction here but at 12, you don't have much time. If you don't like seeing your daughter in a toxic friendship now imagine how shitty it will be to see her in a toxic relationship in her 20s and 30s because she never learnt she deserves better or how to face the "distress" of ending a bad situation.

I said YABU as you need to be stepping in so much harder in this situation. Even if your daughter protests you need to be loosening the grip of this friendship and separating them more / creating situations in which your child meets other people - this is not a child you want your daughter to be friends with.

This.

Put it this way OP, if this girl and her family moved hundreds of miles away how would you feel? Relieved, right? So you need to step up and do what it takes to keep DD away from her. Move school.

Tbh she sounds like a bully. I had a ‘friend’ like this. She used to use my house as the extension to the bus stop in the morning then when she got another route she stopped. She stole from me too. I felt really trapped, then when my house wasn’t in her morning plans she started full scale ostracising and outwardly bullying me. Not a nice person at all. Fortunately my mum had my back (obviously) and caught her at the end of the drive trying to intimidate me. It lasted a little longer until mum went into school. After that we fortunately never spoke again. Big hugs op. All you can do is as others say and keep her away from your daughter’s room. That is her sanctuary. It’s such a difficult time though (my dd is 13, ASD, very shy and anxious 😥)