I've just seen the most depressing thing

If I walk my baby around in the pram for 45+ mins she will (hopefully) fall asleep, and then I have 30 minutes in which to reply to emails/messages/write/mindlessly scroll while I wheel the pram around, oblivious to my surroundings. That (and in the middle of the night, when I'm trying to not fall asleep as I hold said baby) is the only time I'm on my phone in the baby's presence all day. But people seeing me do probably think I'm a phone addict/terrible mother. 🤷

He sat there for the ENTIRE time on his phone and the 3 yo was Insta. why are people so desperate to justify this? Why are we so reluctant to clarify what is within the bounds of decent parenting? There can be a broad range sure, but it feels wrong to me that we are saying its ok to use this as default.

To you but maybe not to others?

Have you always been this judgemental of someone you don't even know or is it a relatively new thing?

Maybe he had an absolutely urgent email to answer, a call to make, maybe he’s just lost a family member and needed five minutes of peace and quiet?

I think its absolute shite that people who do do other things are dismissed as narcissistic performers doing it for effect instead of just enjoying their child and bollocks that their kids are uptight.

I think that you'll find very, very few adults who openly say they enjoyed growing up in an extremely controlling, religious or otherwise rigidly wholesome family. There IS always a huge amount of outward performance and narcissism involved in that type of parenting. There are various cultures in the world where academic performance or moral and personal "purity" take precedence over everything else. Just talk to anyone who grew up in a home like that most will say they hated it.

Obviously to clarify, this is for extreme parenting where certain activities or behaviours are entirely banned. It's not for otherwise normal families who just have a rule such as no phones while waiting for food at a restaurant.

and again, you are misquoting me. The visit was TWENTY MINUTES and no he didn't sit in total silence but most of the conversation was a purposeful one sorting out a specific issue, not general chit chat so we needed to not be constantly distracted in the way you often are with kids around. . I am perfectly happy to have gold standard that involves a child of school age able to sit for a short period without external input. You and one or two others have been determined to paint this as akin to child abuse and that he'll have a damaged childhood. Ridiculous and as I said before, totally lacking in nuance.

Just out of interest, why the ‘in public’? If you’ve think screens are bad for children, you surely think they’re bad for them in private as well?

She didn't say he was silent though.

A few times in that period one of us would say something to him, he was offered a drink but the point t is he was capable of dealing with a very short period of unstimulated inactivity

@User364431 I don't think anyone at all has clutched their pearls at a whiff of screen time have they? They've said its a shame if for an entire visit to a cafe a parent does not interact once with their child. I think its absolute shite that people who do do other things are dismissed as narcissistic performers doing it for effect instead of just enjoying their child and bollocks that their kids are uptight.

It would be really helpful to move the discussion away from the OP's exact scenario and the possibility of SEN in that particular case which we can't know and ask in more general terms, is it ok to HABITUALLY use screens as a way of occupying your child in lieu of interacting with them or giving them something that is more likely to stimulate learning, motor skills, discussion etc. We all know the screenshot argument but that always distracts from the overall point - we all know that there are plenty of parents who DO do this most of the time and we can see evidence of it in the behaviour of kids when they get to school age. Are we really so desperate to be "unjudgy" that we are actually letting down a generation of kids who would really benefit from having less screentime at an early age?

I remember that thread. So many posters seemed to feel that the pram pusher was probably taking an emergency call about her dying grandmother or similar crap. Yeah right.

Hear me out, I have a theory that the ultra smug "clutching pearls at a whiff of screentime" parents are the most performative ones who do things solely based on how they are perceived by others. Similar to how narcissists are only motivated by how they appear to the outside world and they will go to extreme lengths to appear perfect or more superior to others.

These parents love the fact they can sit on their high horse and judge other people because they are doing things "right" by all objective parenting standards, however they end up producing the most miserable, rebellious and angry children. These are children who felt oppressed and controlled during childhood despite always being told how much better their family is compared to others. They were never allowed to consume pop culture or things that were incredibly important for achieving a sense of belonging with their peer group. Smug parents are often also very religious, conservative or follow other beliefs that appeal to their sense of rigidness in right or wrong.

Parents who are more chilled with screentime are the permissive parents who allow their children to engage in fun but not necessarily "good" things once in a while. They tend to be more hedonistic and impulsive themselves, possibly ADHD coded and like chasing a quick dopamine rush. Children grow up with experiences that aren't 100% wholesome but they also feel loved, seen and know their parents are fine with the occasional "bad" behaviour. (Obviously, there's a line between casual parenting and total neglect).

Do you know for sure this children wasn't ND? Because my DC would look at images/videos on my phone at that age in that sort of situation, they were hardly going to sit and converse with me as they didn't have first (sporadic) words till almost three and are only approaching fluent speech in the last year at age 11-12. A lot of ND kids with limited verbal ability can appear NT to someone just sitting and observing for a few minutes from across a room.
Or maybe they had just had a really busy morning!

That's sad and inexcusable frankly. I saw a similar thing a few years ago at a restaurant with a guy on the table next to us on his phone, never uttered a single word to his young companion who was about 5.

Nothing to do with you.

The pp earlier who had a mum and an 8-yo old visit them and the child was silently sitting through the visit. Pp said:
it's rude for kids to interrupt adults... a silent child seemed to be the gold standard, e.i. let the adults talk. It sounded lathe child wasn't welcomed to the conversation as the adults had "serious" matters to discuss

Edited as sent too fast

@Havesomecommonsense if that is genuinely "the most depressing thing" you've seen, then I think you need to reassess your priorities. However, I do agree that it is sad when I see families zoned out on screens, though I do think it a shame that you seem to be emphasising the fact that in this case it is a dad with his DC. I see a lot more mums doing this.

My DS (11) doesn't have a phone yet and is two years away from getting one, and I confess that exciting conversation can be difficult after the first hour, but we manage and he comes up with some fiendishly inventive "I spy" challenges. 😂

This appears to have turned into a screen time debate.
My general rule is my dc can watch tele how I’d watch tele. Which is at home in order to chill for a bit after a busy day of activities / work / nursery.
It wouldn’t enter my head go give my dc a screen in her pram or at a coffee shop as I personally wouldn’t watch a screen in either of those situations and I’d like my dc to follow suit growing up. I don’t understand why the people who are saying screens in public places like a coffee shop aren’t ideal are getting such a blasting.
Yes my dc watches tele while I make dinner as it makes my life far easier, but that’s at home and to me feels a normal place to watch it especially if we’ve been busy in the day.

I forgot to ask the relevant question: how old are YOUR children OP?