Play date - no gadgets shock

I take it this isn’t a close friend if they’ve never been round to yours for a play date before?

I think in that instance I would have allowed it as the friend brought it round. It sounds like it wouldn’t have lasted long anyway if your DD gets bored after 10 minutes.

Don't blame you that's awful.

I have preteen / young teen boys. I limit screens on a day to day basis, but just let them do whatever on playdates. IME they'll naturally do a bit of both if left to it.

Like other pps have said, at that age, id have said 30 min - 1 hr screen time and then find something else to do - in general, so with and without friends.

Now they are older teens and spend way more time on screens. DH constantly whinges how long DS spends on the Xbox but is rarely willing to give up his own time to do something with him/take him somewhere....or even suggest something different to do. I think he hopes DS will naturally morph into a 1970s teen and want to go out cycling or fishing (on his own!)

My (just finished) year 6 twins are allowed screens for part of their “play dates” - they play football, go to
the park, scooters, play Lego, bake cakes etc first then go on tech (usually Minecraft or Mario kart) for an hour or so at the end.

My nearly 14 year old has no limits on screens when her friends come round - they are usually on video call constantly to other friends, certainly not sitting for hours in silence - the screens are the heart of their social lives!

It changes when they hit secondary school in my experience.

Op you’re right it’s a learning curve, and as they come to the end of primary and head to secondary, lots of kids get phones so it goes beyond gaming on play dates. It happens when you’re not around when they’re at secondary or at friends houses. As mum to a teen dd I’d say it’s worth thinking about the coming years, your dd will also have friends with completely different parental limits on screen time, games they’re allowed to play, social media etc. I recommend keeping communication with your dd as open as possible at that stage, the more she’s able to tell you and talk to you about the better. You may find what some friends are allowed to do or are doing in secret just isn’t compatible with your own limits. In year 8 dd knew some girls who were posting on Snapchat asking for men to contact them and meet them in the local town! Personally I went for a balance at 10-11 of screen time and games plus activities and play, some of her friends were allowed access to everything, some nothing at all, and some were using apps and games in secret, so a real mixed bag

I think there's a big difference between kids this age gaming on their own for hours in their room, and doing it with friends for a bit. When they're together, they talk at the same time, teach each other tricks etc - it's really quite sociable. Great to do some other things, have a screen break outside too of course, but I don't personally think a bit of sociable gaming with a friend is so dreadful you need to ban it.

Adults can have screens for work (and socialising). We don't allow them for family time. But then the kids are really young (4 and 7 so they don't need them).
Obviously as they get older they will use them at friends' houses and that is ok. There is some screen use at school/nursery too which is of course fine. But they won't be allowed tablets/our phones when they are with us, on journeys, in restaurants etc.

I disagree with this, especially at that age. Children can and do play without gadgets. When you said no to Roblox, what happened next? You said the child didn't know what to do or play, but she was a guest in your home so didn't DD get games or toys out, or suggest things to do? We did the same when DS had play dates, although I did let them play online games for some of the time - as long as they are playing them together, I personally don't see the problem. The rest of the time they played football, threw a frisbee and dug up part of the garden and played with Lego. Most kids are just happy to be at a friend's house. You make it sound like she just stood there doing nothing for the whole visit, which I find hard to believe.

I'm with you, OP. No tech/gadgets on playdates. I wouldn't expect a friend to fiddle on their phone when we'd gone for a coffee to catch up. Fortunately, all but one of the parents of DS's friends agree. The one who whines constantly about tech hasn't been invited back. (Although not for that specific reason - it's because when he doesn't get what he wants he is shockingly rude to adults and deliberately makes other children cry.)

This isn't exactly new. This is what playdates were like for me 30 odd years ago, because me and my friends were all massive computer geeks.

I’m with you, OP. DD is 9 and doesn’t have a Switch or anything.

A while go, at birthday party of a friend of DD’s, every single kid brought their Switch and sat around playing for the whole party. That was it. I walked in to collect DD and they were all like zombies.

I find it very concerning.

I think maybe you need to work out why 'screen time' is so bad that it's off limits. What is it you're worried about? For me there are some obvious dangers - contact from groomers online, seeing unsuitable content etc - but there are ways of managing that. There's also loads of good stuff you can do on a screen, eg watching a classic film, chatting to your friends on Facetime, writing music, doing art, playing games with your friends etc etc. Playing Roblox with a friend comes under that category for me.

We didn't really have restrictions when our two were younger. Ds had periods of being obsessed with particular games on the Xbox; he also had periods of being obsessed with trampolining and Rubix cube! They're now 21 and 19 and ds said to me the other day that whilst he always regrets wasting time scrolling on TikTok, he has no regrets about the time he spent playing Xbox with friends online during secondary school. He said they had such fun and really bonded.

My kids are now incredibly sociable and active, they're always out and about with friends, when they're not studying or working their part time jobs. The access they had to screens when younger hasn't impacted them and in fact I think they made/strengthened many friendships via online contact.

When I was that age (and younger) we'd spend hours playing videogames on the Megadrive or Nintendo. Spent plenty of time outside too, but times have changed in that respect.

playing computer games with friends on co-op/ two player is some of the best fun ever, why would you stop them from doing that?

Sounds bloody boring to me. My two and their two cousins have a fab time playing all together on some stuff.. then they might break off to do something else.

My daughter isn't very screen oriented but my son (9) very much is. He has friends round loads and they all know that they can play on the switch for a bit but I also expect they'll do something else to - so maybe an hour on the switch and then they play outside for a while. I am sure my son plays plenty of screens when he goes elsewhere but I prefer a mix of activities. I compensate by having fabulous snacks lol

my 23 year old and 18 year olds were always on games and they have turned out great. They aren’t the two headed, socially inept monsters who go around clubbing people to death because they saw it on a zombie game like so many people said they would be.

That’s why I don’t worry about my younger two with screens. It’s okay.

I was about to say the same; even back in the ‘80s we’d spend a bit of time on the ‘computer’ (a ZX Spectrum) playing Horace goes Skiing, Manic Miner or, later, Daley Thompsons Decathlon before disappearing off into the garden, the paddock or wandering off down the village to buy sweets or ice-creams. So I don’t think the gaming itself is a problem. All of us ended up as balanced, successful individuals doing proper jobs 😂

We Use a mixture of both screens and non-screens. Like lots of other posters there is so much talking and laughing when the friends are playing Robux together, much more socialising then when they play Lego or similar

To be honest it sounds more sociable than when my friend used to come over and sit and read all my back issues of Bunty.

Surely when you have someone round, it’s about making them feel comfortable in your home, not guilty for making a suggestion to play something they both enjoy. That’s why your ds will end up not having play dates! Is he the eldest child?

Many suggestions above of handling it a better way - play outside first then an hour of Roblox or an hour of Roblox then play outside. Balance, not banning, is key!

I think 10 is the tricky age where more expect screens and "hanging out" but they are slightly too young to be sent off to a park or to play footie in the field etc without an adult (some parents don't mind this but really depends where you live and how sensible the kids are).

Doing stuff like getting them to make their own pizzas is good.

This is why i love when they have well developed hobbies. My nephew (12) has mates over and they play music together like a band, its brilliant, they've got one kid with guitar, another on piano and a couple who sing. Add a bowl of popcorn and plenty of drinks and they are happy for a couple of hours.