Is there more to being a friend than a title?

29 replies

Suns1nE · 26/08/2025 07:30

Since my best friend began a new relationship last April the contact we have/allowed to have has drastically changed/diminished. Previously we saw eachother 4/5 times a week. Spoke on the phone for hours every day and text constantly. For clarity this is a Mumsnet taboo friendship F/M. I knew and understood that the level of contact would change… that was obvious and understandable. First the in person stuff died off to the point that I’ve seen him once in 12 months and that was to help him clean out his fridge. The calls had become less frequent and shorter and dropped off completely around 6 months ago. Texts became shorter and more abrupt. We work in the same job in the same industry but not together. We bumped into eachother one day at work and I asked if I had done something wrong and was told no but his girlfriend checks his phone so he doesn’t like to message anymore about anything other than small talk/work.
I said that to me if we weren’t allowed to see eachother, talk on the phone and now even text then IMO we aren’t friends. We are work colleagues that were friends. He disagrees and says “nothings changed”.

Who is right? Is there more to being a friend than just someone saying you’re friends? Or is someone a friend just because you give them the title?

OP posts:

Ivenoname · 26/08/2025 07:53

With the extraordinary level of contact you had it's no wonder if his gf is unhappy about his friendship with you!

You don't actually know if his gf does check his phone. It may be his way of excusing himself from cooling your friendship without him seeming to be the bad guy.

My sympathy is with the gf and I'm glad for once a guy seems to be prioritising his partner..

Original poster

Suns1nE · 26/08/2025 07:50

I know it’s always the assumption in F/M friendships that one has more feeling but it’s a huge NO. It’s 100% platonic and always has been.

I knew things would change when he met his girlfriend. No issue with it being less but when you aren’t allowed to communicate about anything other than work is that friendship? Surely to be friends you have to have a connection or common interests?

OP posts:

Thepeopleversuswork · 26/08/2025 07:49

I think the level of contact you were having before he met his girlfriend was unsustainable. If I was in a new relationship with someone and they were committing that much time to another person I would bail. Whether she checks his phone (which is quite controlling) or he’s just using this as an excuse, who knows but you were never going to be able to maintain this.

Friendships change, it’s impossible to maintain all friendships at the same level of intensity and frequency due to life getting in the way. Its not realistic to expect people to keep up a certain level of intensity indefinitely.

We would all save ourselves a lot of grief if we learned to roll with this a bit more rather than flouncing if other people seek to reset things to a pace that suits them. Let him be and chill about it. He may come back as a friend, he may not. You won’t achieve anything by making him feel guilty about not being able to turn the clock back.

DisplayPurposesOnly · 26/08/2025 07:40

That's a LOT of contact. It would inevitably be less now he's in a relationship as there are only 24 hours in the day and he wants to devote that time to his girlfriend.

If she's checking his phone, then either she's generally controlling or specifically unhappy about your friendship. That's for him to deal with.

Friendships fluctuate. They aren't dictated by availability but by strength of feeling and connection. You may be finding out your feelings were stronger.

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