To think I might have ADHD or something similar?

my mother in law says I’m a terrible excuse for a mother and I guess I hear that in my head when I’m struggling.

Because you kept working in your career, rather than give it all up to focus on serving your dh and your dc? Or because you had girls, rather than a son you could bring up to be as incapable as hers?

I could have written this. Except I am also highly disorganised, poor memory, struggle with emotional regulation, procrastination due to overwhelm, poor time management, get fixated or obsessive about certain things (often at the expense of things I should be doing) for short bursts or time... and I feel like a lot of this has gotten significantly worse since I had children.

When I think back - emotional dysregulation has been with me since childhood. I was (wrongly) diagnosed as bipolar in my late teens... that was fun.

I have been wondering about going to the GP, but I don't know what the point would be in being diagnosed really? In the meantime I am trying to put my own coping mechanisms in place and learning to understand myself better.

I hope you can get to the bottom of your struggles Op. It isn't a great way to feel day-to-day, so you have my sympathy!

To add:

If I were you I'd imagine you do now have an ADHD diagnosis - what would you be doing differently? Other than medication, what changes would you be making? More childcare? Less work (you or DH)? More automation of meals/routine/whatever? Buying more kids' clothes so you aren't a one-woman launderette? Hiring a professional declutterer?

Whatever it is, do that.

I mean... might be?

I have late-diagnosed ADHD and autism, though in my case the autistic traits at least were clearly evident from early childhood.

I coped in an atypical but broadly ok way into adulthood, and even once my first child came along (I now realise she is also likely ND but she was very easy, rule-abiding etc from day dot). I thought I'd cracked it so TTC no. 2. But then I had twins and all the accommodations I had subtly made for myself over time, vanished. The house isn't quiet enough, ever. I can't have the time to myself that I need, or control over things like volume and personal space. There is an endless stream of household/school/life crap that needs doing, so my limited bandwidth for "life admin" gets pushed and used up daily, often while a chorus of shouting/Taylor Swift/Paw Patrol plays in the background.

My husband is similar to yours, but there's lots that he just doesn't do. I don't know if I want to stay married at this point, but is all the above minus the benefit of his salary easier/harder/better/more honest? Who knows.

Basically - some ND cope fine until children because as adults we can curate our lives and sort out what are now termed accommodations for ourselves consciously or otherwise. But then kids come along and the sleep/food/quiet/movement/whatever that you need isn't available anymore, and the load on you is higher, and you can't keep up anymore.

No idea if this is you, but it's certainly me.

I have ADHD and have had burnout - it sounds more like burnout to me.

We're meant to have children young when the nurturing instinct is stronger. Mine has gone completely!

Your MIL sounds a pill.

Your husband isn't carrying any of the mental load because he doesn't have to, not because he isn't able to. He's a grown man who can hold down a job, he would have twigged that his kids needed to go to school.

You need to share the load with him.

I am similar and consider myself sensitive rather than in any way neurodivergent. I also find some aspects of parenting challenging, especially if I'm sleep deprived or don't get any time to myself. I identified particularly with the recoiling from sticky hands! Personally I think it's fine to set boundaries with your kids around things you don't like - I have a 4yo and a 2yo and I tell them when I don't want them to jump on me, smear food on me etc. Of course it still happens, and I don't yell at them or anything if it does, but it's part of their learning how to get along with people. Most people won't want to be jumped on or smeared! It sounds like you need to carve out regular time for yourself, and be more accepting of your boundaries and assertive with them. Just because some mums don't mind mess, smearing and general chaos doesn't mean that has to work for you. My older child in particular is very similar to me and I think really benefits from the way I model boundary setting with him - he's naturally assertive about not wanting to be touched/jumped on etc with his little brother and friends.

Doesn't sound like ADHD, you aren't mentioning any symptoms you'd associate with that really, and apart from anything else that's something you have from childhood, so you'd see a pattern.,

This is mostly likely stress and overwhelm - so do take action before it becomes burn out

Also worth considering if it's peri-menopause, and getting your bloods done to check things like iron levels and thyroid

I think the everyone is a bit autistic is a people misquoting the phrase that everyone has traits of autism. The point being that people do generally have traits, but in isolation these do not mean you are autistic.

Sounds like stress/burnout to me. I guess at work you’re confident you know what you’re doing as you have a proven record of success there. At home you’re doubting yourself and feeling overwhelmed. I think quite a lot of people find this.

Honestly OP, you sound like me but in my case, I got a dog, not kids. I think for me, it's a case of me being a big introvert who needs my own space, and also not realising that I find looking after something else to be too much mental load and too overstimulating with the noise, the smells, the neediness.

I don't think it's ADHD, I think we just have a low threshold for overstimulation.

I have ADHD, and key aspect is needing to have showed signs throughout life. I have always had struggles and like others can't relate to your story. However parenting is a totally different struggle to working and a very different environment. You are doing more organising, and planning and looks for hazards etc. Its been proven that having children permanently changes our brains. I would go to the GP but not about ADHD as I highly doubt you would meet the criteria.

Parenting us really difficult, it's OK to be totally overwhelmed. I know that doesn't help but I think 98% of parents feel like that.

I think i was in survival mode for about the first 9 years of parenting+ full time work. I was either full on manic, or numb. My brain constantly felt like stuff was falling out and I had to run to keep hold of it all. Dc2 was also a nightmare, so I had constant guilt that having 2 kids had ruined everything.

It gets a lot better and lot easier as they get older. The teen years have been my payback for pretty awful toddler and small child years. We're a household that likes its own space, so everyone can shuffle off to their own room now, but still come together for meals and films. And I'm writing this, having just been for a run and now drinking coffee, whilst the dc are still asleep.

OP I’ve been reading thus thread thinking I completely remember those days. I used to put mine to bed and go into my bedroom in the dark and lie down for a bit to have some quiet!

You sound knackered

Your DH may be great with the kids but he also needs to support you. He can deal with some of the admin if life. He’s letting you do it all.

Then I got to your last post and your MIL’s comments.

“my mother in law says I’m a terrible excuse for a mother and I guess I hear that in my head when I’m struggling.”

WTAF. How dare she! It’s clearly not true.

I’m really cross on your behalf!

I'm really sorry your MIL said that to you. That's awful.

This. The fact that you have never considered it, or even that anything was amiss until after your children were born would indicate it’s not a lifelong condition.

I would be speaking to the GP about potential depression in your shoes tbh

For it to be ADHD, would have had to be there in childhood too, before the age of 12

Its not adhd. If it was adhd itd of effected you from day dot.
You are overwhelmed, its very different.

I don't think it is neurodivergence. I think you are simply overwhelmed.

I’m never relaxed whilst parenting and my brain feels like it’s just holding it together constantly. It’s exhausting.

You need to reduce the demands on you. Why is it all on you? Share some of the domestic burden, or outsource it if your DP won't adapt. I hesitate to suggest working part-time - why should it be your career that takes the hit?

I second the poster above who mentioned you possibly being an introvert. I'm dealing with similar issues (job, even more kids, husband with a phd in weaponised incompetence) and although I love my children I really need my time off. In practice this means that my office time is 'me time'. I go in really early in the morning to have 3 cups of tea in silence and this allows me to keep my sanity. Before kids I would never think so much about being an introvert, but I've come to realise that whole days of interacting with ppl is what makes me exhausted/no longer able to think straight. I need some quiet 'me time' to get my thoughts together every day. Very difficult in the holidays when I'm around my kids 24/7.

ADHD has to have been present in some form since childhood and across nearly all domains of life (except interest-based activities and potentially some masking - but you generally can't be ADHD in some environments and not others).

Sounds more likely to be autism than ADHD? That being said, modern parenting is so intense and the expectations are so high, I think the vast majority of parents (neurodivergent or neurotypical) feel like this. I certainly recognised the feeling touched out and wanting my children to get out my face sometimes.

I'm autistic and awaiting an ADHD assessment. I have never held down any kind of fast-paced, high stress job, and have had symptoms since childhood. I totally relate to your description of parenting being that level of overwhelming but I don't think it screams ND to me, more that your situation sounds absolutely relentless - I don't think any of us is designed to work full time and do that much solo parenting with so little support.

I'm a couple of years older than you, and I found that my ability to cope with demands decreased a lot from my late 30s. I recently started HRT and I noticed a difference in my mood and ability to cope within days.

Enjoy your days to yourself - don't do all those jobs today though that sounds crazy! Just enjoy doing whatever without any demands on you and without anyone interrupting you x

This.

If you've never had problems or any impact on your life until you are 40 it's not ADHD.

To get a diagnosis you must have had persistent issues as a child.

I'd say you probably don't have ADHD but you DEFINITELY need more support from your partner. Parenting and working is full on, no wonder you feel like you do when you do so much by yourself. Is there any way your partner can change hours to help out a bit more?