Page 7 | To have organised a 40th birthday party for me and my twin?

loonyloo · 2025-08-25T19:31:46+00:00

I've just had an argument with my lifelong friend about this. I have a twin brother. We turned 40 a couple of weeks ago. I wanted a big party as it's a big milestone. I don't think that's unusual. I told my brother a few months ago that I wanted the party. He said that he didn't want a big fuss and wouldn't come. I went ahead and organised one. His wife knew and said he'd come. The party came and he didn't show up. I'd assumed he would despite what he'd said. I was really embarrassed in front of all our extended family and friends and upset that he'd let me down. I really thought he'd come. He'd said he hadn't wanted a 21st either but I did, so my mum organised a big party for us. He was a bit grumpy about it, but he did come and enjoyed himself in the end. I'd told my friend how upset I was about it but she didn't say very much. She can be like that though, she's a bit unfeeling. I saw her on Friday and we ended up having a disagreement about something else that escalated and the subject of the party came up. She said that I was in the wrong for throwing a party for me and my brother. She said if I wanted a party I should've thrown one for myself and not told everyone it was for both of us. She said it was an example of me "always, always having to have things your own fucking way" and that I was selfish. I'm really upset. I don't think it's selfish of me to want to have a party and I don't see why I shouldn't have one just because my brother doesn't want one. I can't have one just for myself, everyone knows we're twins and it would look weird for me to have a birthday party without him. My friend was really rude today and needs to watch her temper. I'm a really kind person and I think it's not too much to ask for others to put themselves out for me sometimes, but I've been thinking about what my friend said and now I'm worried other people think I was selfish about the party.

Rosiecidar · 26/08/2025 19:52

I have a very close friend who is constantly disappointed by her brother, and she finds it really hurtful. He is married and with children and although I am sure he loves his sister she isn't as important to him as he is to her so he will go on holidays etc that she has mentioned and she will get upset or annoyed that she isn't included.
It could just be that you feel closer to your brother then he does to you ? Perhaps even though you are twins you are fundamentally different people with different preferences.

pam290358 · 26/08/2025 19:52

loonyloo · 26/08/2025 19:51

I know we are separate people. I know we are not joined at the hip. I don't expect or even want us to everything together.

Do you have any siblings? Would you like it if they basically refused to mark your birthday, ever? Ignore the twin aspect for now. Just think how it would feel if your brother refused to ever show up for you. Can't you see how hurtful that could be?

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Yes. But given the last 24 pages, to be honest I can well understand why he does it.

Original poster

loonyloo · 26/08/2025 19:51

TheLovelinessOfDemons · 26/08/2025 19:45

You are separate people. If you want a party, you have a party, if he doesn't want a party, he doesn't have a party. Why are you doing what he wants every year?

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I know we are separate people. I know we are not joined at the hip. I don't expect or even want us to everything together.

Do you have any siblings? Would you like it if they basically refused to mark your birthday, ever? Ignore the twin aspect for now. Just think how it would feel if your brother refused to ever show up for you. Can't you see how hurtful that could be?

OP posts:

Zonder · 26/08/2025 19:51

loonyloo · 26/08/2025 19:37

You've missed the point. We do what he wants to do every year. Which is nothing. So his wishes have come first most of the time.

I know mumsnet is full of people who seemingly compartmentalise their lives and don't seem to care much for anybody outside their own household, but I'm not like that. My extended family and friends are important to me and I like to celebrate their big events and can't help feeling hurt that my own brother can't make the effort to do the same for me for a couple of hours once every twenty years or so

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The first sentence is what I don't understand. He does what he wants every year, which is nothing. There was nothing to stop you doing what you want every year, as the person you were replying to said - they celebrate how they want, separate from their twin.

I don't understand why you haven't done that. It doesn't matter if you have some of the same friends and family. Surely you have more people who are just your friends or family / in-laws? You could have done whatever you liked as a separate person and if people commented that it was his birthday too you could have just said yes, and he's celebrating how he wants.

northernlight20 · 26/08/2025 19:51

One of the most frustrating yet amusing thread I’ve seen on here this week 😂 #tonedeaf

tumblingdowntherabbithole · 26/08/2025 19:50

You've missed the point. We do what he wants to do every year. Which is nothing. So his wishes have come first most of the time.

No. He doesn't want a party - he's not stopping you from having a party.

Nanny0gg · 26/08/2025 19:49

loonyloo · 26/08/2025 19:39

Yes how dare I defend myself after 23 pages of people telling me I'm a cunt for wanting to celebrate my birthday with my twin

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But he doesn't want to celebrate with HIS twin

So celebrate without him

For the love of god...

ThankULord · 26/08/2025 19:48

loonyloo · 26/08/2025 19:44

He never wants to go out for dinner!!! I literally just said he never wants to do anything, so every year we do what he wants to do, which means we do nothing!!! There is no give and take in any of this

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You don't have to do what he wants.

And he does not have to do what you want.

OP, I am not writing this hoping that you suddenly understand (from your posts, i don't get that impression).

I can't believe you are calling this a pile on. When people do not agree with you, you suddenly become a victim.

Sincerely, I wish you all the best in life. Looking forward to more fascinating posts from you.

Charabanc · 26/08/2025 19:48

loonyloo · 26/08/2025 19:44

He never wants to go out for dinner!!! I literally just said he never wants to do anything, so every year we do what he wants to do, which means we do nothing!!! There is no give and take in any of this

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So he doesn't want to do anything, and you do. What on earth is the problem here?!

pam290358 · 26/08/2025 19:48

loonyloo · 26/08/2025 19:39

Yes how dare I defend myself after 23 pages of people telling me I'm a cunt for wanting to celebrate my birthday with my twin

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That’s not what people are calling you a cunt for. It’s because you want to celebrate your birthday with your twin, despite the fact that he doesn’t want to and has told you so very clearly, and yet you still went ahead with your plans. You’ve now made him look like a complete twat to his friends because you invited them and neglected to tell them that he had declined the invitation - so they feel slighted because he didn’t turn up.

No OP, you are not the nice kind person you think yourself to be. Your friend tried to tell you that - she told you that people don’t see you that way and you’re noted for always wanting your own way. Time to face up to the fact that you are self centred and overbearing. And you’re not ‘defending yourself’ because your behaviour is indefensible. You’re doubling down and proving that people are right about you because after 23 pages of the best objective advice you’re ever likely to get, you’re still not listening and that just reinforces it. You are not the victim here, but don’t let that stop you from acting like one.

Nanny0gg · 26/08/2025 19:47

loonyloo · 26/08/2025 19:44

He never wants to go out for dinner!!! I literally just said he never wants to do anything, so every year we do what he wants to do, which means we do nothing!!! There is no give and take in any of this

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Then celebrate with those that want to!

The rest of your family and your friends

Just leave him to grump happily in the corner

PLEASE LISTEN!

Nanny0gg · 26/08/2025 19:46

loonyloo · 26/08/2025 19:37

You've missed the point. We do what he wants to do every year. Which is nothing. So his wishes have come first most of the time.

I know mumsnet is full of people who seemingly compartmentalise their lives and don't seem to care much for anybody outside their own household, but I'm not like that. My extended family and friends are important to me and I like to celebrate their big events and can't help feeling hurt that my own brother can't make the effort to do the same for me for a couple of hours once every twenty years or so

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You can have your own party whether he's there or not.

So no, he doesn't get 'his' way

If your cake says Happy Birthday Loony, and so do your banners, then it's all about you, not him

You are both too old to be joined at the hip. You have the birthday you want. And so does he

TheLovelinessOfDemons · 26/08/2025 19:45

loonyloo · 26/08/2025 19:37

You've missed the point. We do what he wants to do every year. Which is nothing. So his wishes have come first most of the time.

I know mumsnet is full of people who seemingly compartmentalise their lives and don't seem to care much for anybody outside their own household, but I'm not like that. My extended family and friends are important to me and I like to celebrate their big events and can't help feeling hurt that my own brother can't make the effort to do the same for me for a couple of hours once every twenty years or so

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You are separate people. If you want a party, you have a party, if he doesn't want a party, he doesn't have a party. Why are you doing what he wants every year?

hypnovic · 26/08/2025 19:45

You are not a horrible person and the responses here are harsh but he didn't let you down or embarrass you you did that to yourself. he expressed his wishes you ignored them it was his perogative to do exactly as he said he would which is not come.

Arlanymor · 26/08/2025 19:45

loonyloo · 26/08/2025 19:37

You've missed the point. We do what he wants to do every year. Which is nothing. So his wishes have come first most of the time.

I know mumsnet is full of people who seemingly compartmentalise their lives and don't seem to care much for anybody outside their own household, but I'm not like that. My extended family and friends are important to me and I like to celebrate their big events and can't help feeling hurt that my own brother can't make the effort to do the same for me for a couple of hours once every twenty years or so

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You've missed the point. If you had hosted a birthday party for yourself he likely would have come, he just didn’t want one for himself. Guess what I hate bananas, loathe them actually - their taste, their smell, their texture - and even if it was my darling mother’s dying wish that I eat a banana, I wouldn’t!

You are not joined at the hip and need to stop acting as if you are. You can have a party every year and celebrate with your friends and family, but if he doesn’t want to do so jointly then it’s entirely unreasonable to expect him to. You seem very dramatic and haven’t addressed the issue of why two separate friends have called you out on your behaviour and you have done nothing about it other than to insinuate that they are mean girls.

Original poster

loonyloo · 26/08/2025 19:44

Charabanc · 26/08/2025 19:41

But that is not what you wrote. Your posts are all about how he should have done a thing, how your friend should have done a thing...

It seems we are getting to the nub of it now. You are upset that he didn't want to share your birthday with you in the correct manner.

Why couldn't you have gone out to dinner with him, a small celebration he might have actually enjoyed, and had your big party separately?

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He never wants to go out for dinner!!! I literally just said he never wants to do anything, so every year we do what he wants to do, which means we do nothing!!! There is no give and take in any of this

OP posts:

Charabanc · 26/08/2025 19:41

loonyloo · 26/08/2025 19:37

You've missed the point. We do what he wants to do every year. Which is nothing. So his wishes have come first most of the time.

I know mumsnet is full of people who seemingly compartmentalise their lives and don't seem to care much for anybody outside their own household, but I'm not like that. My extended family and friends are important to me and I like to celebrate their big events and can't help feeling hurt that my own brother can't make the effort to do the same for me for a couple of hours once every twenty years or so

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But that is not what you wrote. Your posts are all about how he should have done a thing, how your friend should have done a thing...

It seems we are getting to the nub of it now. You are upset that he didn't want to share your birthday with you in the correct manner.

Why couldn't you have gone out to dinner with him, a small celebration he might have actually enjoyed, and had your big party separately?

pam290358 · 26/08/2025 19:40

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So why on earth did you post in the first place ? You’re not self aware. You can’t see anyone else’s point of view, you’re berating your friend for being honest and you haven’t taken on board a single thing anyone here has said. You’re just doubling down on your original position because you don’t like what people are saying. What is it that you want from this thread ?

Original poster

loonyloo · 26/08/2025 19:39

BengalBangle · 26/08/2025 19:33

Doubling down 23 pages in? Jesus suffering fuck...🤦🏼‍♀️

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Yes how dare I defend myself after 23 pages of people telling me I'm a cunt for wanting to celebrate my birthday with my twin

OP posts:

Original poster

loonyloo · 26/08/2025 19:37

Anabla · 26/08/2025 19:31

I haven't spent any of my milestone birthdays with my twin or other sibling. And honestly? I couldn't have given a shit, it was really neither here nor there if they were there.

Why do you need to do something joint for your birthday? Me and my twin have had well over 25 years of seperate birthday celebrations. It isn't about either of us "getting our way" or not doing anything for "our" birthday. We're seperate people with seperate friends and lives. We're not toddlers anymore who always need to do everything together.

You don't get to decide how your brother celebrates his birthday just because your his twin. People have quite rightly called out your selfish behaviour.

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You've missed the point. We do what he wants to do every year. Which is nothing. So his wishes have come first most of the time.

I know mumsnet is full of people who seemingly compartmentalise their lives and don't seem to care much for anybody outside their own household, but I'm not like that. My extended family and friends are important to me and I like to celebrate their big events and can't help feeling hurt that my own brother can't make the effort to do the same for me for a couple of hours once every twenty years or so

OP posts:

BengalBangle · 26/08/2025 19:33

loonyloo · 26/08/2025 19:25

This thread has become a total pile on and I'm starting to feel a bit beseiged by all the responses telling me I'm a shit person. I've been really overwhelmed all day.

Thank you to the handful of people who have at least tried to see things from my point of view or been constructive in disagreeing with me.

Some of you have been criticising me for not appreciating that people are different, but then turning round and sneering at me because "adults having birthday parties is weird". That's hypocritical.

I haven't got the energy or the mental capacity to respond to any more of the individual questions as I'm exhausted by it all. But I will say that my sister in law is not at fault here.

I'm going to try to explain this one last time in the hope that people will finally understand.

I have not had, or asked my brother for, a birthday party since our 21st. So it's been 19 years of his way
We never do anything for our birthday at all because he never wants to (which to be fair I haven't mentioned on here before)
If I have a party that is just "my" party and not his, with our family and my friends, and he comes as a guest, it ends up being his party anyway as people wish him happy birthday etc. Not a problem for me, but that then means he is having a party
By inviting his friends he at least had people there just for him
the other option is that I have "my own" party and he doesn't come at all. But how many of you, hand on heart, wouldn't feel hurt and left down if your own brother couldn't be bothered to come to a milestone birthday party? Or something other event that was important to you? Twin or not? Even for an hour?

Doubling down 23 pages in? Jesus suffering fuck...🤦🏼‍♀️

Anabla · 26/08/2025 19:31

loonyloo · 26/08/2025 19:25

This thread has become a total pile on and I'm starting to feel a bit beseiged by all the responses telling me I'm a shit person. I've been really overwhelmed all day.

Thank you to the handful of people who have at least tried to see things from my point of view or been constructive in disagreeing with me.

Some of you have been criticising me for not appreciating that people are different, but then turning round and sneering at me because "adults having birthday parties is weird". That's hypocritical.

I haven't got the energy or the mental capacity to respond to any more of the individual questions as I'm exhausted by it all. But I will say that my sister in law is not at fault here.

I'm going to try to explain this one last time in the hope that people will finally understand.

I have not had, or asked my brother for, a birthday party since our 21st. So it's been 19 years of his way
We never do anything for our birthday at all because he never wants to (which to be fair I haven't mentioned on here before)
If I have a party that is just "my" party and not his, with our family and my friends, and he comes as a guest, it ends up being his party anyway as people wish him happy birthday etc. Not a problem for me, but that then means he is having a party
By inviting his friends he at least had people there just for him
the other option is that I have "my own" party and he doesn't come at all. But how many of you, hand on heart, wouldn't feel hurt and left down if your own brother couldn't be bothered to come to a milestone birthday party? Or something other event that was important to you? Twin or not? Even for an hour?

I haven't spent any of my milestone birthdays with my twin or other sibling. And honestly? I couldn't have given a shit, it was really neither here nor there if they were there.

Why do you need to do something joint for your birthday? Me and my twin have had well over 25 years of seperate birthday celebrations. It isn't about either of us "getting our way" or not doing anything for "our" birthday. We're seperate people with seperate friends and lives. We're not toddlers anymore who always need to do everything together.

You don't get to decide how your brother celebrates his birthday just because your his twin. People have quite rightly called out your selfish behaviour.

loonyloo · 26/08/2025 19:29

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NJ84 · 26/08/2025 19:26

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Original poster

loonyloo · 26/08/2025 19:25

This thread has become a total pile on and I'm starting to feel a bit beseiged by all the responses telling me I'm a shit person. I've been really overwhelmed all day.

Thank you to the handful of people who have at least tried to see things from my point of view or been constructive in disagreeing with me.

Some of you have been criticising me for not appreciating that people are different, but then turning round and sneering at me because "adults having birthday parties is weird". That's hypocritical.

I haven't got the energy or the mental capacity to respond to any more of the individual questions as I'm exhausted by it all. But I will say that my sister in law is not at fault here.

I'm going to try to explain this one last time in the hope that people will finally understand.

I have not had, or asked my brother for, a birthday party since our 21st. So it's been 19 years of his way
We never do anything for our birthday at all because he never wants to (which to be fair I haven't mentioned on here before)
If I have a party that is just "my" party and not his, with our family and my friends, and he comes as a guest, it ends up being his party anyway as people wish him happy birthday etc. Not a problem for me, but that then means he is having a party
By inviting his friends he at least had people there just for him
the other option is that I have "my own" party and he doesn't come at all. But how many of you, hand on heart, wouldn't feel hurt and left down if your own brother couldn't be bothered to come to a milestone birthday party? Or something other event that was important to you? Twin or not? Even for an hour?

OP posts: