Page 5 | To have organised a 40th birthday party for me and my twin?

loonyloo · 2025-08-25T19:31:46+00:00

I've just had an argument with my lifelong friend about this. I have a twin brother. We turned 40 a couple of weeks ago. I wanted a big party as it's a big milestone. I don't think that's unusual. I told my brother a few months ago that I wanted the party. He said that he didn't want a big fuss and wouldn't come. I went ahead and organised one. His wife knew and said he'd come. The party came and he didn't show up. I'd assumed he would despite what he'd said. I was really embarrassed in front of all our extended family and friends and upset that he'd let me down. I really thought he'd come. He'd said he hadn't wanted a 21st either but I did, so my mum organised a big party for us. He was a bit grumpy about it, but he did come and enjoyed himself in the end. I'd told my friend how upset I was about it but she didn't say very much. She can be like that though, she's a bit unfeeling. I saw her on Friday and we ended up having a disagreement about something else that escalated and the subject of the party came up. She said that I was in the wrong for throwing a party for me and my brother. She said if I wanted a party I should've thrown one for myself and not told everyone it was for both of us. She said it was an example of me "always, always having to have things your own fucking way" and that I was selfish. I'm really upset. I don't think it's selfish of me to want to have a party and I don't see why I shouldn't have one just because my brother doesn't want one. I can't have one just for myself, everyone knows we're twins and it would look weird for me to have a birthday party without him. My friend was really rude today and needs to watch her temper. I'm a really kind person and I think it's not too much to ask for others to put themselves out for me sometimes, but I've been thinking about what my friend said and now I'm worried other people think I was selfish about the party.

KimTheresPeopleThatAreDying · 26/08/2025 20:47

You do what you want on your birthday, he does what he wants on his birthday. The fact that they’re on the same day is immaterial.

smallpinecone · 26/08/2025 20:47

I’ll have to show this thread to my DH. He’s a 42yo identical twin. Their last joint party was when they were 10. And they don’t even bother texting each other on the day 🤣

If BIL suggested a party and asked me to bring DH along I know exactly what his response would be…!

DollyMixers · 26/08/2025 20:47

You do realise you are separate people with clearly very different likes/personalities etc

Your updates make you sound worse and worse 😂

NoThanksNeeded · 26/08/2025 20:46

Trendyname · 26/08/2025 20:39

How did this thread suddenly become about her brother’s sport hobby being prioritised over hers when op has not acknowledged that maybe there was a tiny bit of boundary overstepped by her and her brother is not wrong to wish to spend his birthday the day he wants to, and that inviting his friends and subsequent embarrassment is on her not her brother and she atleast needs to clarify it to the friends?

Because OP is determined not to be wrong

Trendyname · 26/08/2025 20:44

MsPavlichenko · 26/08/2025 20:36

I don’t think that’s what is being said. It’s interesting that you frame it like this. People disagreeing with you, or wanting to do things differently are doing just that. They are not saying you are a shit person.

You are still focused on how you feel/ felt , and not really taking on board your brother’s feelings and wishes. Ones he actually communicated to you directly. That’s what I’d classify as selfish on your part. Doesn’t mean you are a shit person. But when so many people here, and irl are saying more or less the same isn’t it worth at least thinking about it?

You may have felt let down, I get it. So might I possibly, but that’s for you to manage. As in manage your feelings. Not rearrange things/ organise events to make you feel better.

Show quote history

You are still focused on how you feel/ felt , and not really taking on board your brother’s feelings and wishes.

Some people just can’t do what you are expecting from them: We have all spent years expecting understanding our feelings from our loved ones who tend to make it about themselves and they never understand. I don’t why it is so but some people cannot take it on board no matter how much you try to make them see the other person’s feelings. Maybe they have a lot of self love and hearing their behaviour can be hurtful is something they take as very deep personal criticism.

GlastoNinja · 26/08/2025 20:43

I think @loonyloo you are not understanding this and you sound very similar to my sister.

She always has the best of intentions but in the process she thinks she knows better than anyone else and everyone gets steam rollered in the process.

Numerous examples of her ploughing ahead with parties in honour other of people without caring if they even want the party.

Honesty? You are coming across as selfish I’m afraid

NJ84 · 26/08/2025 20:43

loonyloo · 26/08/2025 20:33

In his view, being wished happy birthday does mean it makes it his birthday. What you're saying is logical, but he doesn't think like that. So he won't come if it's just "my" party.

And I don't resent our childhood. I actually started to say that I think the activity I wanted to do probably would in all honesty have been a passing fad and mum and dad made the right call, but I decided it would be better at the end of the paragraph so deleted it and then forgot to put it back in 🤦‍♀️. I was allowed to join other stuff that didn't clash, so it's not like I wasn't able to do anything I liked. I only explained all that to counter the view that when we were kids I was the little princess who had everything her way while he was the poor neglected, ignored child. I think mum and dad had a lot to juggle between the 3 of us kids and they got it mostly right in fairness to them

Edited

Show quote history

Goodness me, don't you get it.....he didn't want to go...even if the party was just for you! We are not saying that you should have thrown a party for you and he would have gone, he wouldn't. He was ted to spend his birthday his own way. He did not want a party for you both and he didn't want to go for a party just for you either. He didn't want to go because he shares the birthday with you and even if it was just for you, he'd be expected to have his friends there and everyone would be wishing him a happy birthday.

Why could you not just have a party and make it clear it's a party just for you, not invited his friends and not expect your brother to go? If you'd thrown the party just for you and let family and friends know it's just for you as your brother didn't want to go, there would of been no awkwardness on the day!

As for the fall out with your friend, she sounds exasperated...she clearly had had enough nof being forced into situations she doesn't want to be in to please you. If the friendship means anything to you, you need to apologise to her for making her feel so uncomfortable. I doubt she enjoyed having to stand up to you, but you weren't listening!

smallpinecone · 26/08/2025 20:42

“I have not had, or asked my brother for, a birthday party since our 21st. So it's been 19 years of his way”

It’s always going to be his way. It’s his birthday to spend as he chooses. Not yours jointly - his. You don’t enter into his decision making unless he chooses to include you.

And that’s the way it should be. At no point should he feel obligated to go along with your plans that make him unhappy.

NoThanksNeeded · 26/08/2025 20:40

loonyloo · 26/08/2025 20:33

In his view, being wished happy birthday does mean it makes it his birthday. What you're saying is logical, but he doesn't think like that. So he won't come if it's just "my" party.

And I don't resent our childhood. I actually started to say that I think the activity I wanted to do probably would in all honesty have been a passing fad and mum and dad made the right call, but I decided it would be better at the end of the paragraph so deleted it and then forgot to put it back in 🤦‍♀️. I was allowed to join other stuff that didn't clash, so it's not like I wasn't able to do anything I liked. I only explained all that to counter the view that when we were kids I was the little princess who had everything her way while he was the poor neglected, ignored child. I think mum and dad had a lot to juggle between the 3 of us kids and they got it mostly right in fairness to them

Edited

Show quote history

Well... yes it is his birthday. Doesn't make it his party. But he can also say "no I won't be attending". Because he is a separate adult with his own decisions.

Heck you put on the invites "Please come to my party. John may be there but please be considerate of his own feelings about our birthday and do not wish him a happy birthday, if he doesn't come then please don't ask where he is as he does not enjoy partiesc"

It's pretty obvious to anyone else, even if you don't think you do, that you do resent him...

AlexisP90 · 26/08/2025 20:39

AlexisP90 · 26/08/2025 20:36

OP what did you want from this thread?
Did you want us all to agree with you and make you feel important?

Mumsnet isn't the place for that. You asked an Internet forum for their opinion and thats what you got.

Most people haven't been rude or nasty but just told you the truth and their thoughts on it. I have seen very little actual nastiness in this thread.

You are being overly defensive. Kindly, I dont think mumsnet is quite the right place for you if you can't handle honest opinions.

Your brother didnt want a party. So he didnt come.

You can feel disappointed but why are you going so crazy over it.

Hes 40 years old. If he doesnt want a party he doesnt have to have a party!

The twin defense is kinda irrelevant.

Im totally the same. Hate parties and all that attention. Respect his wishes and move on.

Trendyname · 26/08/2025 20:39

How did this thread suddenly become about her brother’s sport hobby being prioritised over hers when op has not acknowledged that maybe there was a tiny bit of boundary overstepped by her and her brother is not wrong to wish to spend his birthday the day he wants to, and that inviting his friends and subsequent embarrassment is on her not her brother and she atleast needs to clarify it to the friends?

Hayley1256 · 26/08/2025 20:38

OP I think your missing the point by saying you always do nothing as thats what he wants - your a grown adult who can do whatever they like for their own birthday!

I think you've really crossed a line by inviting his friends to this shitshow of a 'joint party'. I bet he's mortified! You should have just planned your own party.

I know 3 sets of twins and they each do their own thing for birthdays and would just check that they aren't on the same date as they share some of the same friends.

You really need to reflect on your behaviour if you can't actually see how wrong you were here as your at risk of damaging the relationship you have with your twin

MsPavlichenko · 26/08/2025 20:36

loonyloo · 26/08/2025 19:25

This thread has become a total pile on and I'm starting to feel a bit beseiged by all the responses telling me I'm a shit person. I've been really overwhelmed all day.

Thank you to the handful of people who have at least tried to see things from my point of view or been constructive in disagreeing with me.

Some of you have been criticising me for not appreciating that people are different, but then turning round and sneering at me because "adults having birthday parties is weird". That's hypocritical.

I haven't got the energy or the mental capacity to respond to any more of the individual questions as I'm exhausted by it all. But I will say that my sister in law is not at fault here.

I'm going to try to explain this one last time in the hope that people will finally understand.

I have not had, or asked my brother for, a birthday party since our 21st. So it's been 19 years of his way
We never do anything for our birthday at all because he never wants to (which to be fair I haven't mentioned on here before)
If I have a party that is just "my" party and not his, with our family and my friends, and he comes as a guest, it ends up being his party anyway as people wish him happy birthday etc. Not a problem for me, but that then means he is having a party
By inviting his friends he at least had people there just for him
the other option is that I have "my own" party and he doesn't come at all. But how many of you, hand on heart, wouldn't feel hurt and left down if your own brother couldn't be bothered to come to a milestone birthday party? Or something other event that was important to you? Twin or not? Even for an hour?

I don’t think that’s what is being said. It’s interesting that you frame it like this. People disagreeing with you, or wanting to do things differently are doing just that. They are not saying you are a shit person.

You are still focused on how you feel/ felt , and not really taking on board your brother’s feelings and wishes. Ones he actually communicated to you directly. That’s what I’d classify as selfish on your part. Doesn’t mean you are a shit person. But when so many people here, and irl are saying more or less the same isn’t it worth at least thinking about it?

You may have felt let down, I get it. So might I possibly, but that’s for you to manage. As in manage your feelings. Not rearrange things/ organise events to make you feel better.

AlexisP90 · 26/08/2025 20:36

OP what did you want from this thread?
Did you want us all to agree with you and make you feel important?

Mumsnet isn't the place for that. You asked an Internet forum for their opinion and thats what you got.

Most people haven't been rude or nasty but just told you the truth and their thoughts on it. I have seen very little actual nastiness in this thread.

You are being overly defensive. Kindly, I dont think mumsnet is quite the right place for you if you can't handle honest opinions.

Trendyname · 26/08/2025 20:35

loonyloo · 26/08/2025 20:14

Growing up, he did a particular sport. He was very good at it. He had potential to compete at an elite level. We used to go to all his events as a family. Sometimes we had to drive for hours and sometimes we went abroad. Family holidays were often built around his sporting events. It was expensive for mum and dad. I was told at one point I couldn't join a specific activity group because it clashed with my brother's sport and he "had great potential" so I was expected to make a sacrifice. When I got a bit older I wanted to skip some of his events and go shopping with my friends and snog boys down the park. But I was told to grin and bear it and support my brother because that's what families do.

I know you're all probably going to interpret that as me having some deep seated resentment towards him for all this. But I don't - my mum and dad were right, families do support each other. He was lucky enough to be great at something he enjoyed, I enjoyed watching him be great at it, and I was upset for him when he got injured in his late teens and his dreams died. It was hard for him.

But it was far from the case that "his wants were ignored" or that I wasn't asked to put myself second sometimes.

If I have "my own" party and he doesn't come, not only is it hurtful, but I also have people coming up to me asking "where's John, is he not here yet" all evening. So I'm damned if I do and damned if I don't. This is what I can't get people to understand

Show quote history

Are you going to let his friends know that he never wanted a party on his 40th birthday and you still decided to invite them?

You wrote 7 more posts this evening after 23 pages of people trying to tell you his point of view, at least you can acknowledge that you made a mistake and you are going to let his friends know he didn’t know about them coming or it was your idea.

You are hearing it people calling you shit sister but so many people were very polite and balanced in explaining his point of view, also calling you well intentioned. But you are still angry about all the bad things happened to you. What about you causing a potential misunderstanding between your brother and friends? Can you once look one thing from your brother’s point of view since you are so family oriented?

DoubtfulCat · 26/08/2025 20:34

So you made quite a few sacrifices for him, in your youth; he isn’t willing to even meet you halfway in marking your birthday in the ways you would like (he won’t celebrate but also won’t send you a card or a gift)? I can see why you would like him to on this occasion, and why you’re hurt and fed up that he hasn’t- although that’s not quite how your point comes across (“I thought he would enjoy it once he was there”).

BUT from your friend’s reaction, and your description of your conversation with her leading up to the disagreement, I wonder if you may also have a trait where you do think you know what’s best for people, and perhaps in attempting to persuade them of what you think you know, you can be a bit bombastic? Maybe worth thinking about how you go about trying to help people out of their own bad habits?

smallpinecone · 26/08/2025 20:34

loonyloo · 26/08/2025 20:14

Growing up, he did a particular sport. He was very good at it. He had potential to compete at an elite level. We used to go to all his events as a family. Sometimes we had to drive for hours and sometimes we went abroad. Family holidays were often built around his sporting events. It was expensive for mum and dad. I was told at one point I couldn't join a specific activity group because it clashed with my brother's sport and he "had great potential" so I was expected to make a sacrifice. When I got a bit older I wanted to skip some of his events and go shopping with my friends and snog boys down the park. But I was told to grin and bear it and support my brother because that's what families do.

I know you're all probably going to interpret that as me having some deep seated resentment towards him for all this. But I don't - my mum and dad were right, families do support each other. He was lucky enough to be great at something he enjoyed, I enjoyed watching him be great at it, and I was upset for him when he got injured in his late teens and his dreams died. It was hard for him.

But it was far from the case that "his wants were ignored" or that I wasn't asked to put myself second sometimes.

If I have "my own" party and he doesn't come, not only is it hurtful, but I also have people coming up to me asking "where's John, is he not here yet" all evening. So I'm damned if I do and damned if I don't. This is what I can't get people to understand

Show quote history

You’re adults with independent lives. Why is it hurtful to you if he doesn’t attend your party? Can’t you be glad that he’s happy celebrating in a way that he enjoys?

Original poster

loonyloo · 26/08/2025 20:33

NoThanksNeeded · 26/08/2025 20:21

Fuck me this thread gets worse as it goes

OP you have literally no self awareness

Yes, you can have a party that's just yours. He could chose not to come. But him just being wished happy birthday doesn't make it his birthday.

You also definitely do resent him for your childhood

In his view, being wished happy birthday does mean it makes it his birthday. What you're saying is logical, but he doesn't think like that. So he won't come if it's just "my" party.

And I don't resent our childhood. I actually started to say that I think the activity I wanted to do probably would in all honesty have been a passing fad and mum and dad made the right call, but I decided it would be better at the end of the paragraph so deleted it and then forgot to put it back in 🤦‍♀️. I was allowed to join other stuff that didn't clash, so it's not like I wasn't able to do anything I liked. I only explained all that to counter the view that when we were kids I was the little princess who had everything her way while he was the poor neglected, ignored child. I think mum and dad had a lot to juggle between the 3 of us kids and they got it mostly right in fairness to them

OP posts:

Missmarplesknittingbuddy · 26/08/2025 20:32

loonyloo · 26/08/2025 20:14

Growing up, he did a particular sport. He was very good at it. He had potential to compete at an elite level. We used to go to all his events as a family. Sometimes we had to drive for hours and sometimes we went abroad. Family holidays were often built around his sporting events. It was expensive for mum and dad. I was told at one point I couldn't join a specific activity group because it clashed with my brother's sport and he "had great potential" so I was expected to make a sacrifice. When I got a bit older I wanted to skip some of his events and go shopping with my friends and snog boys down the park. But I was told to grin and bear it and support my brother because that's what families do.

I know you're all probably going to interpret that as me having some deep seated resentment towards him for all this. But I don't - my mum and dad were right, families do support each other. He was lucky enough to be great at something he enjoyed, I enjoyed watching him be great at it, and I was upset for him when he got injured in his late teens and his dreams died. It was hard for him.

But it was far from the case that "his wants were ignored" or that I wasn't asked to put myself second sometimes.

If I have "my own" party and he doesn't come, not only is it hurtful, but I also have people coming up to me asking "where's John, is he not here yet" all evening. So I'm damned if I do and damned if I don't. This is what I can't get people to understand

Show quote history

It was your parents who made you attend the sport , not " John " ,and it's sounds quite unfair on you, but having been dragged to something you didn't enjoy why on earth would you want to make others do the same .
Everyone only asked where John was as you said it was a joint party and invited some of his friends .
All of this could have been avoided by actually listening to what your brother told you .

smallpinecone · 26/08/2025 20:32

loonyloo · 26/08/2025 19:44

He never wants to go out for dinner!!! I literally just said he never wants to do anything, so every year we do what he wants to do, which means we do nothing!!! There is no give and take in any of this

Show quote history

You’re adults. You decide what you want to do. He decides what he wants to do. There is no ‘we’. There is no give and take, you’re right. He doesn’t need to consult you on anything. You and he make totally independent decisions. It’s none of your business how he chooses to spend his birthday.

You’re a fool to yourself OP. Doubling down and too busy defending yourself to actually listen and learn. You’re making yourself and other people unhappy.

Do you want to be right, or do you want to be happy?

You can’t keep telling yourself you’re a kind, good person, and so everyone else must therefore approve of your suggestions and plans. Your actions actually prove otherwise, that you’re entirely self-absorbed and selfish.

Anabla · 26/08/2025 20:32

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 26/08/2025 20:28

”If I have "my own" party and he doesn't come, not only is it hurtful, but I also have people coming up to me asking "where's John, is he not here yet" all evening. So I'm damned if I do and damned if I don't. This is what I can't get people to understand.”

You tell them the same thing we’ve been telling you, @loonyloo - “John doesn’t enjoy parties, so he’s not coming. I respect his choice.”

This. And surely if it's family and friends asking then they'll know your brother well enough to know he doesn't want to be there!

InterIgnis · 26/08/2025 20:31

loonyloo · 26/08/2025 19:44

He never wants to go out for dinner!!! I literally just said he never wants to do anything, so every year we do what he wants to do, which means we do nothing!!! There is no give and take in any of this

Show quote history

Oh well, you’ll just have to suck it up because he’s made it clear you’re not going to force him.

He’s fully entitled to choose to do nothing. He’s not duty bound to have dinner with you, celebrate with you, see or even speak to you because you feel you can’t do anything without him.

PlacidPenelope · 26/08/2025 20:28

Do you have any siblings? Would you like it if they basically refused to mark your birthday, ever? Ignore the twin aspect for now. Just think how it would feel if your brother refused to ever show up for you. Can't you see how hurtful that could be?

Yes I can see it is hurtful. However, and as gently as I can say this, you have known about this side of his personality for years, you trying to encourage, railroad, get him to attend under sufferance is not changing this aspect of his personality is it?

You need to accept this is who he is and stop trying to get him to be different.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 26/08/2025 20:28

”If I have "my own" party and he doesn't come, not only is it hurtful, but I also have people coming up to me asking "where's John, is he not here yet" all evening. So I'm damned if I do and damned if I don't. This is what I can't get people to understand.”

You tell them the same thing we’ve been telling you, @loonyloo - “John doesn’t enjoy parties, so he’s not coming. I respect his choice.”

Greypanda86 · 26/08/2025 20:28

He didn’t want the 21st but you did so you had your own way. He’s a 40 year old man why should he have to people please so his sister can have her own way again.