Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have organised a 40th birthday party for me and my twin?

742 replies

loonyloo · 25/08/2025 20:31

I've just had an argument with my lifelong friend about this.

I have a twin brother. We turned 40 a couple of weeks ago. I wanted a big party as it's a big milestone. I don't think that's unusual. I told my brother a few months ago that I wanted the party. He said that he didn't want a big fuss and wouldn't come.

I went ahead and organised one. His wife knew and said he'd come. The party came and he didn't show up. I'd assumed he would despite what he'd said. I was really embarrassed in front of all our extended family and friends and upset that he'd let me down. I really thought he'd come. He'd said he hadn't wanted a 21st either but I did, so my mum organised a big party for us. He was a bit grumpy about it, but he did come and enjoyed himself in the end.

I'd told my friend how upset I was about it but she didn't say very much. She can be like that though, she's a bit unfeeling. I saw her on Friday and we ended up having a disagreement about something else that escalated and the subject of the party came up. She said that I was in the wrong for throwing a party for me and my brother. She said if I wanted a party I should've thrown one for myself and not told everyone it was for both of us. She said it was an example of me "always, always having to have things your own fucking way" and that I was selfish.

I'm really upset. I don't think it's selfish of me to want to have a party and I don't see why I shouldn't have one just because my brother doesn't want one. I can't have one just for myself, everyone knows we're twins and it would look weird for me to have a birthday party without him. My friend was really rude today and needs to watch her temper. I'm a really kind person and I think it's not too much to ask for others to put themselves out for me sometimes, but I've been thinking about what my friend said and now I'm worried other people think I was selfish about the party.

OP posts:
ThistleTits · 26/08/2025 22:42

loonyloo · 25/08/2025 22:18

I think you're all being a bit harsh on me. I didn't expect everyone to agree but hardly anyone is seeing this from my point of view. I wanted my brother to have a nice birthday. He can be a bit unsociable at times so needs to be encouraged to come to events and stuff but he always enjoys himself once he's there. I thought it'd be like his 21st where he ended up enjoying it.

Even if I did the wrong thing I don't think I was selfish and I think my friend was really horrible about it.

You are proving your friend correct by posting the above. He's not you, he doesn't like parties, he told you this clearly. He probably had a perfectly nice birthday, doing what he enjoys.
You embarrassed yourself by inviting people to a party that your brother didn't want.
Reflect on how everyone else is reacting to your post and how your selective hearing, impacts on yourself and others.

CarpetKnees · 26/08/2025 22:40

loonyloo · 26/08/2025 19:44

He never wants to go out for dinner!!! I literally just said he never wants to do anything, so every year we do what he wants to do, which means we do nothing!!! There is no give and take in any of this

Show quote history

That makes no sense. Unless you are conjoined twins, then how does a sibling not wanting to go out - be that dinner, a day trip, clubbing, a house party, or a party in a function room - prevent you from going out ? Confused

If you want to do any of those things or something completely different, why don't you do them with your friends, or partner, or anyone else who likes doing those things ?

You are making no sense at all.

Zov · 26/08/2025 22:39

Braygirlnow · 26/08/2025 22:37

We get it...it may or may not seem weird to have a solo party, but this is what you are missing, "IF HE DOESN'T WANT A FECKING PARTY HE DOESN'T WANT A FECKING PARTY".

Show quote history

Exactly. We 'get it.' We just think 'it' is absolutely ludicrous!

Braygirlnow · 26/08/2025 22:37

User5432154321 · 25/08/2025 23:42

They don’t get it OP.

Heres the bit everyone is missing.. this was a FAMILY party with all the aunts, uncles, cousins, parents, siblings etc? Him not being included in that as a TWIN is just fucking weird. If it was just friends, fine… then you can just do your own but as a twin you cannot have a birthday party, invite all your family, and leave him out?!!

You basically had two choices.

  1. Not have a party at all… which makes him the selfish one, why shouldn’t you have some fun?
  1. have your party and do everything you could to make sure he could be part of it with as little effort on his part as possible, eve if that just meant turning up and saying hi to a few people

In your scenario I simply can’t imagine any option in between, unless it involved friends only (which I think is what everyone is picturing) and no family.

Show quote history

We get it...it may or may not seem weird to have a solo party, but this is what you are missing, "IF HE DOESN'T WANT A FECKING PARTY HE DOESN'T WANT A FECKING PARTY".

CarpetKnees · 26/08/2025 22:36

loonyloo · 26/08/2025 19:51

I know we are separate people. I know we are not joined at the hip. I don't expect or even want us to everything together.

Do you have any siblings? Would you like it if they basically refused to mark your birthday, ever? Ignore the twin aspect for now. Just think how it would feel if your brother refused to ever show up for you. Can't you see how hurtful that could be?

Show quote history

I'm one of 4 siblings.

My brother chooses not to come to any parties any of the rest of us have. It's fine. He doesn't like parties, and his wife isn't keen either.

It's not hurtful at all. What is the point in him coming and being uncomfortable all night ? Confused
People don't ask about him as obviously most friends wouldn't know him so wouldn't miss him, and family (or really longstanding friends) who do know him, know him well enough to know he doesn't enjoy parties so they wouldn't expect him to be there.

So no, no hurt from me, or my sisters.

ThreePointOneFourOneFiveNine · 26/08/2025 22:17

loonyloo · 26/08/2025 21:33

Thank you. I think one of the things that the thread has helped me with is that my brother isn't as interested maintaining a relationship with me as I am with him, rightly or wrongly. I think it'll be better for me if I stop wasting my time and emotional energy expecting any different from him. If I go low contact with him that will probably make him happier too.

Show quote history

maybe just give it some time to settle down and try a more gentle approach. The current situation is that you tried to force a party on him when he explicitly told you he didn’t want one. This doesn’t mean he doesn’t want a relationship with you, maybe he just doesn’t want a relationship with you where you ignore what he wants and try to force him to do what you want. If you make it clear you’ve realised that was wrong you maybe he’ll be willing to build a new relationship. This is going to take some time though. No matter how gently I try to put it, you really were massively out of order. If you’re willing to eat a bit of humble pie, and genuinely change your attitude towards him, maybe you can start again. It sounds like you do have some good memories of your shared childhood.

Hedgehogbrown · 26/08/2025 22:15

Arlanymor · 26/08/2025 19:53

So he doesn’t send you a card or buy you a present?

Show quote history

Twins don't really do this.

Falseknock · 26/08/2025 22:11

loonyloo · 26/08/2025 19:44

He never wants to go out for dinner!!! I literally just said he never wants to do anything, so every year we do what he wants to do, which means we do nothing!!! There is no give and take in any of this

Show quote history

He didn't stop you having the party he said he wasn't going.

Falseknock · 26/08/2025 22:04

loonyloo · 25/08/2025 23:05

I don't think people are getting this. I did something that I genuinely thought was the right thing, and I genuinely thought my brother would come and enjoy the evening. I see now that I was wrong. But I don't think I was being selfish because my intentions were good. And my friend was rude.

The older thread was very different - it was a serious situation where emotion got the better of me. I was grieving, and reacted too strongly to something that felt similar but wasn't. Posters on that thread were mostly very kind and helped me see that I'd reacted badly. It was very different to bring told I'm a terrible person for organising a birthday party

You was rude you invited his friends to a party he didn't want to go to. Do you like to be the centre of attention?
Your poor friend I can see what she has to put up with.

BuckChuckets · 26/08/2025 22:02

I've read all of your comments, OP, and I'm afraid you come across as totally self-absorbed. Even the things you say to try to defend your point of view make you sound worse.

Falseknock · 26/08/2025 22:01

loonyloo · 25/08/2025 22:18

I think you're all being a bit harsh on me. I didn't expect everyone to agree but hardly anyone is seeing this from my point of view. I wanted my brother to have a nice birthday. He can be a bit unsociable at times so needs to be encouraged to come to events and stuff but he always enjoys himself once he's there. I thought it'd be like his 21st where he ended up enjoying it.

Even if I did the wrong thing I don't think I was selfish and I think my friend was really horrible about it.

That's the problem it's only about how you feel and what you want. There is a lot of "I" in your post what about your brother and what he wants. If he doesn't want to mingle and party he doesn't have to and he doesn't need your judgement. Your friend is highlighting what she has had to put with from you. Listen to her she cares enough to be honest think about other people feelings rather than your own.

Pessismistic · 26/08/2025 21:45

Sorry op you wanted the party he didn’t you should have just accepted he doesn’t like fuss whereas you do. It’s not about just you it was basically you ignoring him going ahead without his consent and then he followed through with his actions like he said and it made you look stupid. Maybe you just need to respect your brother and accept you don’t have to celebrate your birthday together. He was honest up front with you and you thought the guilt would make him change his mind but you were wrong just accept it.

BettysRoasties · 26/08/2025 21:40

Did your brother ever want or enjoy parties? Does he have children? If so does he host parties for them?

Back on track I’ve not had a birthday card off my sibling since my mother stopped shoving them under his nose to sign them, not a text. I’ll get a gift if I see him near our birthdays. I might not see him for years. I’m not mad or sad if he has a party and I’m not invited it’s his party and we are very different people.

I don’t think even his partner gets cards off him.

Also it’s not been his way for all those years to your upset. As two separate people he has spent his birthday how he wants yes. But you’ve had the choice of how to spend your birthday have a party or a dinner or a holiday just be aware your brother won’t come.

Honestly I was surprised my sibling even attended my wedding no joke at all he can be hard to pin down and honestly it wouldn’t have bothered me if he hadn’t. Mum however would have likely lost her shit. Don’t think he met my children till any of them were at least a good six months old maybe older. Never come to their birthday parties either.

Original poster
loonyloo · 26/08/2025 21:33

InMyShowgirlEra · 26/08/2025 21:07

You started off this thread asking if you were unreasonable for forcing an unwanted joint birthday party on your twin brother who clearly stated he didn't want a party, but you decided he needed one because he's unsociable.

It's now clear that actually your issue isn't that you are concerned about your brother's social life but that you want him to do more to celebrate you and demonstrate he cares about you.

If you'd led with that instead of trying to frame it as a selfless act of love gone wrong, you might have had different responses.

With that in mind, it's not unreasonable to want your family to make a fuss of you on your birthday if that's your thing, but you do need to accept that he isn't going to.

Next time you want a birthday party, throw a birthday party for you and if people ask where the twin is just be honest, "Oh he's not into parties."

If it's important to you then let him know it would mean a lot to you if he sent a card to acknowledge the day.

Show quote history

Thank you. I think one of the things that the thread has helped me with is that my brother isn't as interested maintaining a relationship with me as I am with him, rightly or wrongly. I think it'll be better for me if I stop wasting my time and emotional energy expecting any different from him. If I go low contact with him that will probably make him happier too.

OP posts:
PotatoLove · 26/08/2025 21:27

He told you he wasn't going to go so tbh, you shouldn't be hugely surprised. Not everyone enjoys parties.

Sunshineismyfavourite · 26/08/2025 21:25

You post has developed since your OP with your further responses. At the start it was basically that you wanted a joint 40th with your twin brother, he said he didn't want one and said he wouldn't come but you organised it anyway and then were upset that he didn't come.

You've now talked about other issues where he never gives you a birthday card or present or wishes you a happy birthday, which is a little odd for a sibling I think. But this behaviour from him should tell you even more how birthdays are simply not his 'thing'. It may be upsetting for you, well it seems that it is, and that's understandable I think but that is who he is. I would have thought that you would have got the message by now and just let him be. Celebrate with him at other times and in other ways and just enjoy your birthday with your own friends and family and just accept that it's not his thing. I do understand that you are upset by his behaviour but you can't change him, he doesn't behave like this to deliberately hurt you.

I also think that it is interesting that you have now told the story of your brother having the sport that he was good at and how it impacted you. This is totally irrelevant to the birthday story yet so very relevant reading between the lines.

Rosiecidar · 26/08/2025 21:24

I think, Iand I mean this kindly, that perhaps you should speak to a therapist. You seem to be upset with your brother because of expectations that you have for him. Because you supported him as a child and teenager and your parents it seems put him first in that context you feel that he should support you. OP I think he matters a great deal to you but he can't seem to meet your view as to how a twin should behave.
I don't know if you are from a culture where families would take a brother not attending his sister's party as a snub, perhaps that's an aspect too.

harriethoyle · 26/08/2025 21:24

Jesus @loonyloo - accept that the very VAST majority of people think you’re being utterly unreasonable and spend some in self-reflection rather than banging on blithely about how wronged you are. You’re not. You’re just wrong.

Anabla · 26/08/2025 21:17

HevenlyMeS · 26/08/2025 21:11

Yes it seems it's been ok in some folks eyes, to see everything from your twin's perspective, but not from yours
In my humblest opinion, if you didn't care, you wouldn't have commenced this post - To me it's common sense & I most sure don't think you're selfish
& it wasn't about my taking sides, it was simply seeing things from where you're coming from, as well's understanding your twin's views too
I'm praying You & Your Beloved Twin continue to build your relationship & bond & don't permit anything or anyone to come between you
I do have much compassion for you both, because we've got numerous sets of twins in our family & I totally empathise with how important your bond is etc - & I think you both sound lovely
Wishing you all the very best 🙏

What on earth is with this "beloved twin" nonsense? They aren't married. It's perfectly fine if he doesn't want to have a birthday party!

HevenlyMeS · 26/08/2025 21:11

Yes it seems it's been ok in some folks eyes, to see everything from your twin's perspective, but not from yours
In my humblest opinion, if you didn't care, you wouldn't have commenced this post - To me it's common sense & I most sure don't think you're selfish
& it wasn't about my taking sides, it was simply seeing things from where you're coming from, as well's understanding your twin's views too
I'm praying You & Your Beloved Twin continue to build your relationship & bond & don't permit anything or anyone to come between you
I do have much compassion for you both, because we've got numerous sets of twins in our family & I totally empathise with how important your bond is etc - & I think you both sound lovely
Wishing you all the very best 🙏

InMyShowgirlEra · 26/08/2025 21:07

loonyloo · 26/08/2025 19:51

I know we are separate people. I know we are not joined at the hip. I don't expect or even want us to everything together.

Do you have any siblings? Would you like it if they basically refused to mark your birthday, ever? Ignore the twin aspect for now. Just think how it would feel if your brother refused to ever show up for you. Can't you see how hurtful that could be?

Show quote history

You started off this thread asking if you were unreasonable for forcing an unwanted joint birthday party on your twin brother who clearly stated he didn't want a party, but you decided he needed one because he's unsociable.

It's now clear that actually your issue isn't that you are concerned about your brother's social life but that you want him to do more to celebrate you and demonstrate he cares about you.

If you'd led with that instead of trying to frame it as a selfless act of love gone wrong, you might have had different responses.

With that in mind, it's not unreasonable to want your family to make a fuss of you on your birthday if that's your thing, but you do need to accept that he isn't going to.

Next time you want a birthday party, throw a birthday party for you and if people ask where the twin is just be honest, "Oh he's not into parties."

If it's important to you then let him know it would mean a lot to you if he sent a card to acknowledge the day.

FluffyJawsOfDoom · 26/08/2025 20:58

loonyloo · 26/08/2025 19:51

I know we are separate people. I know we are not joined at the hip. I don't expect or even want us to everything together.

Do you have any siblings? Would you like it if they basically refused to mark your birthday, ever? Ignore the twin aspect for now. Just think how it would feel if your brother refused to ever show up for you. Can't you see how hurtful that could be?

Show quote history

You're nuts OP. Not wanting a joint birthday party does not equal not marking your birthday.

diddl · 26/08/2025 20:56

So you haven't had a birthday party since your 21st?

Well tbh a lot of people won't have done I wouldn't have thought.

Maybe one for their 30th?

But that surely doesn't mean that you haven't celebrated your birthday at all because your brother hasn't wanted to?

Trendyname · 26/08/2025 20:50

NJ84 · 26/08/2025 20:43

Goodness me, don't you get it.....he didn't want to go...even if the party was just for you! We are not saying that you should have thrown a party for you and he would have gone, he wouldn't. He was ted to spend his birthday his own way. He did not want a party for you both and he didn't want to go for a party just for you either. He didn't want to go because he shares the birthday with you and even if it was just for you, he'd be expected to have his friends there and everyone would be wishing him a happy birthday.

Why could you not just have a party and make it clear it's a party just for you, not invited his friends and not expect your brother to go? If you'd thrown the party just for you and let family and friends know it's just for you as your brother didn't want to go, there would of been no awkwardness on the day!

As for the fall out with your friend, she sounds exasperated...she clearly had had enough nof being forced into situations she doesn't want to be in to please you. If the friendship means anything to you, you need to apologise to her for making her feel so uncomfortable. I doubt she enjoyed having to stand up to you, but you weren't listening!

Show quote history

Because op’s parents expected their kids fo make compromises for each other which is fair enough up to an extent t but it seems like now op expect that from her brother that he needs to put his wishes aside for what his family wants, even on his birthday.
Expressing a need or boundary is taken as being selfish as you need to be super flexible for the greater benefit of the family and making a sibling or son do something they don’t want is considered normal and kind because they know them better than they know themselves that they will enjoy the activity they are avoiding.

ninjahamster · 26/08/2025 20:47

My parents are hugely sociable. Every event is celebrated with multiple people. They are always out with others. Our house growing up was full of people, there were always friends staying over for me and my siblings.
Im 51 now. I live with my husband and done of my adult children. I don’t leave the house. They spend so much time trying to get me to do things. They cannot understand I’m do different.
We are all different. Let him be him.