To have organised a 40th birthday party for me and my twin?

So leave him be! You're 40, not 4 - he's a grown man and is allowed to do (or not do) what he likes.

It isn't him "getting his way" - he's not your bloody Siamese twin!

OP,
Good idea to match your brothers energy.
Let him contact you going forward.
What he did was make it very plain that he isn't pushed about contact.
Match his energy.
As for your friend, take space there too.
Her mental health isn't for you to fix.

Take space and mind yourself.
Sometimes although we mean well, people want to do things their way.

This! @loonyloo please listen, the vast majority of us have tried to help you with this. We can see that you are fracturing your relationships and with our advice, you could rebuild those bridges and move on!

Now this for me is a totally different subject, as it yes it’s about your birthday but it’s not about sharing a party. You like your brother have feelings and they should be listened to just like in my opinion you should have listened and respected his feelings about a joint party for your 40th. I really think you need to have a serious heart to heart with him. You should not force joint birthday celebrations whether that’s a birthday meal out or a party for a milestone birthday but he should also wish you a happy birthday, send a card and make an effort to see you around your birthday, it doesn’t have to be on the actual day. He is wrong if he doesn’t. But I don’t think it’s a case of he has had it his way for all these years and he should have done it the way you wanted to celebrate it this time. I can see there is more back ground to this as in not acknowledging your birthday with a card each year than just the party. You both need to sit down have a conversation apologise for not respecting his wishes but voice your hurt with regards to birthday cards etc. you both don’t seem listen or respect each other and your differences. Like I said previously I am a twin mum and a mum to singletons and it is difficult to navigate but twins or not as siblings you are very different people clearly and both need to respect each other and seeing your updates it’s clear that communication is lacking in your relationship as brother and sister x

I think selfish is the wrong word. Thoughtless and insensitive yes. You didn’t listen to his wants you just decided for him what he would like and how he should celebrate his birthday despite him telling you he didn’t want a party. You certainly should have organised a party for yourself but it should have just been a party for you. He told you he wouldn’t attend again you didn’t listen you just assumed he would still come. Another example of you not listening to him and assuming he would just go along with the plans you thought he needed for his birthday.

I think you owe him an apology, not for wanting to do something nice for you both but for ignoring his wishes that’s where you have gone wrong here, you’ve shown no consideration for what he wanted only what you felt he needed. You can explain what your intentions were but that does not over ride not listening to what he wanted/didn’t want. He didn’t embarrass you, I’m afraid you embarrassed yourself by inviting all his friends and guests to a joint party when he told you he didn’t want it nor would he attend.

I am also a mum of twins and singletons and if one of my twins didn’t want to have a big party and the other did it anyway and included them despite seeing that their intentions were from a good place I would be very disappointed in them for not listening and respecting their siblings wishes and wants. It’s rather inconsiderate.

And yet here you are still.

We don’t need to know anything beyond the fact OP was told no, clearly, by her brother. It doesn’t matter what his wife said, she doesn’t speak for him. The brother already spoke for the brother, and OP chose to ignore that and embarrassed herself as a result (good!).

Oh Please Please have the last word... 😂

You're going round and round in circles. I've posted this to you before, but I'll remind you of what OP's told us: "I told my brother a few months ago that I wanted the party. He said that he didn't want a big fuss and wouldn't come.
I went ahead and organised one. His wife knew and said he'd come. The party came and he didn't show up. I'd assumed he would despite what he'd said." The fact that his wife knew OP was ignoring her DB's wishes and colluded with OP to manipulate him into attending the party is irrelevant (although rather disrespectful). At no point did OP's brother tell her he would attend the party - he was quite clear with her, months before she even started organising it, that he would not. OP's also told us that it was her SIL who phoned her shortly before the party was due to start to say they wouldn't be attending and no doubt she did this when she realised she'd failed to manipulate her DH into attending. Two women embarrassed themselves because they tried and failed to bend this man to their will. Appalling behaviour by both of them.

And the wife told her they would both attend. You've assumed that his wife didn't discuss it with DB, but we don't know.

Round and round in circles again..

No, she didn’t. She asked his wife.

I have 2 sets of twins and they've always done their own thing. They've never been in each other's pockets

You have no insight I am sorry to say. You ask us if you are being unreasonable.Surely it doesn't take rocket science to understand that to throw a party for someone who doesn't want one,is very selfish and thoughtless. Why on earth not have a party for you alone?
Your friend 's comments ,although not phrased tactfully,should make you take stock of the way you behave. Riding rough shot over people's feeling to get your own way ,is not goid.

It would appear, from what your friend said, that you have form for this type of manipulative behaviour. Your twin was very clear that he didn’t want a party, yet you went ahead with what you wanted anyway, regardless of what you’d been told and tried to manipulate him into attending. Your twin appears to have stood his ground against your manipulativeness and your friend has told you a few home truths. You’re 40, take heed or you will end up as a person others want to avoid.

Do you know what? I genuinely feel sorry for that teenage girl. It must have been hard feeling like her twin always came first. But she’s not a teenager anymore. She hasn’t been for over two decades. And that’s more than long enough for her to build an adult life; one where her twin’s absence on her birthday isn’t a major drama. A 40 year-old woman needs to be able to cope with this.

You have two options here. Option A is to spend the next 40 - 50 years until one of you dies sniping about the fact that your brother won’t celebrate your birthday with you. Option B is to accept that, although this is disappointing, it’s the way it is, and to therefore enjoy your birthday with friends, other family members, a partner etc. instead.

Option B sounds way more fun than option A. But you don’t even want option A - which, while depressing in my view, is at least viable. You want an imaginary option C, where your brother suddenly sees the light, realises he should have been celebrating with you for years, begs for your forgiveness and tells you it will all be different from now on. And because that hasn’t happened, you’re trying to force him by telling him the party’s happening and that’s that. And now you’re angry with him because he called your bluff and didn’t come, rather than being angry with yourself for trying and failing to manipulate him.

There IS no option C. You have to work with A and B - that’s all that’s on the table. So ask yourself this: what would you like to happen next based on the reality of your situation? Not based on what you want to happen, but on what actually could happen?

She just asked the candidate for Brother of the Year award a second time.

But this thread is going round in circles now.. the various viewpoints have all been aired several times so I'm not interested in continuing the debate

@loonyloo credit to you for persevering with this thread

Some important context in your latest replies which I think does change things and also I hadn't considered this:

the other option is that I have "my own" party and he doesn't come at all. But how many of you, hand on heart, wouldn't feel hurt and left down if your own brother couldn't be bothered to come to a milestone birthday party? Or something other event that was important to you? Twin or not? Even for an hour

Probably because I'm so used to my own sibling's disinterest tbh!

I have been concerned at how much of a pile on this thread has become and unnecessarily so. Probably a good time for you to step away from it now, I've said it a few times that you're not a bad person. I still think it was a mistake it attempt to include him when he'd said he didn't want to be, but if the crux of it is then you'd like him to show up for you as your sibling (not your twin) then you could try speaking to him as you've explained in your latest posts .

Put this thread behind you now and move on.

Someone ate too many Skittles this evening 👀

Well, that's clear-cut then OP. Your sibling relationship simply isn't that important to him. You may find that hurtful, but there's nothing you can do about it and your attitude is likely to push him even further away (if that's possible).

Yes & where exactly did I mention that it was not ok? I was not married to my Mum either, but it doesn't mean I take offence nor read something wrong into every time a friend or acquaintance refers to Her Anniversary as Your Beloved Mum's Anniversary
Why feel the need to pick faults & mock, just because you choose not to see good in all parties!?

Now you’re going into victim mode OP. Stop it. You’re an adult. No need for the dramatic stuff about low contact, it’s juvenile. What you essentially mean is you’re going to punish him now for not doing what you want.

It’s not that your brother isn’t as interested in maintaining a relationship as you are - by that you mean a relationship on your terms, where he meets your expectations of him and does what you think he ought to do. And that’s where you’re going wrong.

You can’t force people to be who they’re not OP. You can’t teach a pig to fly. It doesn’t work and it annoys the pig. He gets to decide how he lives his life and how he spends his birthday. It has nothing to do with you, and your opinions are irrelevant.

Stop micromanaging, stop telling yourself you’re being kind when you’re forcing others into situations they don’t want to be in, and stop feeling sorry for yourself now and thinking of punishing your brother with low contact because you’re not getting your own way - ie: no one appreciates how kind and thoughtful you are. It’s incredibly manipulative and nasty.

So he doesn't even send you a birthday card then?

Then OP, your DB is telling you, with his words and actions, that he doesn't want to spend time with you. He obviously doesn't enjoy your company and you need to accept this. Invest your time and energy in the people who do enjoy your company.

Your brother said he didn’t want a party, you organised a party against his wishes tried to force him to come and got upset when he didn’t.

I don’t understand? Of course you are being very unreasonable! How can you not see that?

I think your friend is right the fact you are even asking and thing your friend is wrong for telling the truth.

you could have organised a party and explained brother didn’t want one that would have been ok. He might then have attended as a guest with the pressure off.

"We do what he wants to do every year. Which is nothing." NO! You do not do what your DB wants every year. He is doing what he wants every year, which is to not celebrate his birthday with you - he just doesn't want to. And as hurtful as you may find this fact, you simply have to accept it.

Once again you're in victim mode. Literally no-one on here has called you a "shit person", much less a "cunt". And if you can't be relied upon to accurately report what we've all written and can read for ourselves, then I take your accounts of your interactions with your DB and your friends with a pinch of salt. Small wonder they're so exasperated with you that they "blow up". 🙄