To have organised a 40th birthday party for me and my twin?

You can have as many parties as you like, OP, but your twin didn't want one, so you seem to be ignoring what he's saying.
Not everyone likes a fuss on their birthday and it's rude to try to force it on them.

Of course you can’t throw a party for someone else, who’s said they don’t want one, then get stroppy because they don’t attend 😂 you’re his twin, not his master.

He told you he didn’t want a party and wouldn’t come. Why on earth did you think he would change his mind and show up?
If you wanted a party for yourself, you should have owned it and thrown just that!

If this actually happened, your friend is right.

Your entire post is."Me, me, me, me, me...poor me...and back to me".

Ignoring your brother's wishes was a dick move and it backfired.

Are you sure it was your 40th and not your 14th?!

Firmly agree with your friend and think you think far too highly of yourself.

Reverse?

Probably spent his whole life never doing what he wanted because you clearly think it’s all about you. He already didn’t want one for his 21st, you got the way. Then you tried to dictate both of your 40th’s! Have your own one if you are that desperate. I think your lifelong friend is correct, this has obviously always been you and you are a selfish person. I’m pleased she has finally called you out on it, she’s a good friend to you and more so for saying it as it is.

You don’t listen to your brother and your friend is saying this is just one example of you being selfish. I don’t think you’re as kind as you seem to think you are and tou need to listen to those closest to you as you’ll end up lonely.

I can understand why it feels odd to have a party just for you, but as long as you've asked your brother what he wants to do, of course you could. Much better than pushing someone who doesn't want a party to have one. My cousins are twins and they have celebrated big birthdays separately a few times - they have different friends, different colleagues, different neighbours, different in laws... Really the venn diagram of who they would both want to invite is pretty small, just family. So as long as you don't make it awkward for family by both inviting them different celebrations on the same day, of course you should be an individual and have your own celebration of you don't both want to do the same thing!

It's very unreasonable to be cross with someone for not coming to an event they clearly told you they didn't want. It does seem controlling rather than 'kind'

So you thought you knew his mind better than him, expected to strongarm/guilt him into turning up, then whinged to your friend when he didn't??

Which bit of 'I don't want a fuss' did you deliberately ignore?

Especially given what you've said about your 21st birthdays I suspect there may be more than a little truth in what your friend said. And a bit of introspection on your part wouldn't go amiss.

you wanted a party and he didn’t (so much so that he stated he wouldn’t come) so you should have organised one for yourself which would have been less embarrassing. Yes, people know you are twins but you are 2 different people and he’s entitled to not show up when he didn’t want to and his wife shouldn’t have said they’d come. It was not a “nice” thing to do for him.

i have twins btw

I really dislike parties. I have a family where the majority of them love parties. They have never thrown me a party against my will and I’d be fuming if they did so yes, YABVU.

You should have respected your brother’s wishes and just done the party for yourself (which isn’t odd even if you’re twins!).

You can just throw a party for yourself. Invite your brother and when he's there, give him a gift and say happy birthday to him. Others would have said, happy birthday, too unless he wanted to make his own plans.

Your brother didn’t want a party and told you he wouldn’t come so not sure why you are upset with him when he has used his words and been very clear that a party isn’t for him?

You could have just had a party for yourself. I agree with your friend. It seems like you are used to getting your own way and need to think of others more.

I have a twin sister. She wanted a party for our 50th, I didn't want a fuss. So she had a party, and I didn't go. It would have felt very odd to be at party for my birthday, but with her friends. It's fine, have your own party, but your brother didn't want one - listen to what he's saying. He didn't let you down, he said from the start that he wouldn't come, and you ignored that.

I get that it's a bit more complicated when you are a twin, and I can understand that you might feel a bit odd celebrating without him, especially as family might be there. But he hadn't said that he minded you having a party, he just said he wouldn't attend.

I don't think you are selfish, because there's nothing wrong with wanting a party, and I'm sure that you just wanted to include him, but you didn't listen to what he wanted, so YABU to think he let you down.

You rode roughshod over your brother's feelings by ploughing ahead with a party you knew he didn't want and which he said clearly he wouldn't attend. Of course you could've had one just for yourself. It sounds like your friend thinks you have form for not listening or dismissing others' wishes. Maybe take time to reflect and apologise to your brother? You put him in a position of looking bad for not turning up.

Unless you and your brother are conjoined twins, you can have a party for yourself without him. He told you he wasn't coming so there was no reason for you to think that he would be coming.

His wife shouldn't have told you he would come if she didn't know for a fact he would be coming but you probably shouldn't have counted on that anyway since he had already told you that he wouldn't come.

You messed up, why didn’t you throw yourself a party. I really feel for your DB.

I can't comment on whether you're selfish but if you do like to make sure you get your own way then perhaps this is a good time to reflect on how it makes others feel.

I don't think your friend should have been so vehement. There are ways of saying things and she wasn't kind. I would have organised my own party and then if asked where my twin was would have just said he didn't want to celebrate. You can't assume people will fall in with what you want all the time. So cut out the awkwardness and upset and don't include him in future.

I’m sorry but when someone says they don’t want a fuss just accept their wishes.

You’re 40, not 4.

If the grown man doesn’t want a party, then respect that.

Why do the women in his life (wife included seemingly) think they can speak and act on his behalf?

My husband had a really big party for his 50th, he loves parties. I am different and he knows this. I would be really upset if he organised a party for me because it would be for him and not me.
People are different and you know your brother doesn't like them. If you explained to people saying your brother is not into parties and this is for you alone, there would be no embarrassment. More and more, people are becoming more reserved. You forced this onto your brother and I agree with your friend.