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AIBU?

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Original poster

To have organised a 40th birthday party for me and my twin?

742 replies

loonyloo · 25/08/2025 20:31

I've just had an argument with my lifelong friend about this.

I have a twin brother. We turned 40 a couple of weeks ago. I wanted a big party as it's a big milestone. I don't think that's unusual. I told my brother a few months ago that I wanted the party. He said that he didn't want a big fuss and wouldn't come.

I went ahead and organised one. His wife knew and said he'd come. The party came and he didn't show up. I'd assumed he would despite what he'd said. I was really embarrassed in front of all our extended family and friends and upset that he'd let me down. I really thought he'd come. He'd said he hadn't wanted a 21st either but I did, so my mum organised a big party for us. He was a bit grumpy about it, but he did come and enjoyed himself in the end.

I'd told my friend how upset I was about it but she didn't say very much. She can be like that though, she's a bit unfeeling. I saw her on Friday and we ended up having a disagreement about something else that escalated and the subject of the party came up. She said that I was in the wrong for throwing a party for me and my brother. She said if I wanted a party I should've thrown one for myself and not told everyone it was for both of us. She said it was an example of me "always, always having to have things your own fucking way" and that I was selfish.

I'm really upset. I don't think it's selfish of me to want to have a party and I don't see why I shouldn't have one just because my brother doesn't want one. I can't have one just for myself, everyone knows we're twins and it would look weird for me to have a birthday party without him. My friend was really rude today and needs to watch her temper. I'm a really kind person and I think it's not too much to ask for others to put themselves out for me sometimes, but I've been thinking about what my friend said and now I'm worried other people think I was selfish about the party.

OP posts:
MayaPinion · 25/08/2025 21:19

You are 40 years old! You KNOW your brother didn’t want a party because he literally told you to your face he didn’t want one and wouldn’t go. How can you be shocked when he did exactly what he said he was going to do? And yes, you absolutely can have your own party. Theee was nothing to stop you doing just that.

BettysRoasties · 25/08/2025 21:18

Your friend is right. Your brothers clearly had enough of you making twin plans and him being expected to jump as well.

Guess what twins are more than just twins. They are Indian people. Hopefully he had a lovely birthday with people he wanted to who respect him.

stichguru · 25/08/2025 21:18

"I'm really upset. I don't think it's selfish of me to want to have a party and I don't see why I shouldn't have one just because my brother doesn't want one. I can't have one just for myself, everyone knows we're twins and it would look weird for me to have a birthday party without him."

Please tell me that this is a wind up. If not, how have your blatant double standards not slapped you in the face?!

Either:
WANTING a party means you should have one (you), so NOT WANTING a party (your brother) means he doesn't have to have one.
Or:
NOT WANTING a party (your brother) means you still have to have one for your sister, so WANTING a party (you) means you don't get one because your brother doesn't want one.

Anything else just says your wishes matter and your brother's don't!!

Itsnotallaboutyoulikeyouthink · 25/08/2025 21:17

I dot have twins but i have a daughter and son two years apart that are like chalk and cheese. She would be like you and want the party. My son would want no fuss, doesn’t like big social events and doesn’t even like music. It’s about respect. He respected you be not saying you could t have a party you disrespected him by doing a party for him.

momtoboys · 25/08/2025 21:16

I have always thought it odd people throwing parties for people to celebrate them, but you were well within your right to do that! Your brother made it clear he wanted no part of it and that he wouldn't come. That was well within his right.

ninjahamster · 25/08/2025 21:15

Sorry but I agree with everyone else. You should have had a party just for yourself. Your brother was right not to come when he had already made his feelings clear.
Hopefully you can apologise to him now and move on x

Zov · 25/08/2025 21:13

@loonyloo

Of course YABU. He stated very clearly that he didn't want it and wouldn't come. Why did you go and do it anyway? And then moan and complain that he has 'let you down,' and you are 'sooooo embarrassed.'

Why disrespect his wishes so much? Why do YOUR wants and needs trump his?

I know bloody damn well that I would die inside, if I had a birthday, and someone got me a mostly naked male strippergram, and I grimace and almost puke at the idea of going to a Chippendales type of strip show... Everyone who knows me knows I would HATE this. So if someone arranged it, I would walk out, or simply not turn up. I would NOT attend/take part because someone else wanted me to.

I have seen photos of a neighbour (taken a few weeks ago) writhing with a naked stripper at her 50th birthday party, and one pic of her 2-3" away from his erect penis. On the internet now they are, never to be deleted. I can't look her in the eye now. How embarrassed her teenage children must be!

Went off on a tangent there. Sorry 😬

InterestedDad37 · 25/08/2025 21:13

"It's my party, and I won't come if I don't want to... you wouldn't come too, if it happened to you"

Discofish · 25/08/2025 21:12

If he doesn't enjoy parties then it's unfair to expect him to spend his 40th doing something he doesn't enjoy. I'm very introverted and get massive anxiety if I have a party to attend, it kicks in as soon as I get the invitation- which can be months in advance.

BigGra · 25/08/2025 21:11

. I can't have one just for myself, everyone knows we're twins and it would look weird for me to have a birthday party without him

Of course you can. I know two sets of twins who hold separate birthday parties.

Arlanymor · 25/08/2025 21:11

You're 40 - of course you can have a birthday party by yourself and it doesn't look weird at all. Sounds like the second time your brother has been ambushed in this way on a milestone birthday - why do you keep doing this to him? Way to spoil his birthday. He was well within his rights not to attend and he gave you the courtesy of telling you in advance - whether you choose to believe him or not is on you. I don't know why his wife thought she could speak for him either. Some people are not party people and it's unfair to foist your preferences on to them. By the way I hope you didn't tell him that 'he let you down' - because he didn't. You embarrassed yourself and you let yourself down - sorry but it's true.

tinytemper66 · 25/08/2025 21:11

I am a twin and if she didn’t want a party and I did, I would invite who I wanted and go and enjoy myself

FreezeDriedStrawberries · 25/08/2025 21:11

Iwantsandybeachesandgoodfood · 25/08/2025 20:37

You were embarrassed because he didn’t turn up to the party that he didn’t want and told you he wouldn’t be attending? That’s on you OP. You’re a twin but you’re still two separate people. You should have had your party, for you.

This.

ScurryfungeSpuddle · 25/08/2025 21:10

Lol, for once I actually hope this is a reverse.

VoltaireMittyDream · 25/08/2025 21:09

This must be a reverse. Nobody can be this obtuse.

AngelofIslington · 25/08/2025 21:06

I think the fact you said YOU were embarrassed that he didn’t attend shows that your friend has a point.
Your DB never once said he would attend, he clearly said he wouldn’t so the only way you would be embarrassed is if you went ahead against his wishes doing what you want.
And that’s exactly what you did

ARichtGoodDram · 25/08/2025 21:06

I'm really upset. I don't think it's selfish of me to want to have a party and I don't see why I shouldn't have one just because my brother doesn't want one. I can't have one just for myself, everyone knows we're twins and it would look weird for me to have a birthday party without him.

It's incredibly rude and selfish to expect him to have a party just because you want one.

It's amusing that you dont see why you shouldn't have one just because he doesn't want one, but can't see why should he have one just because you do.

You should have had your own party just for you.

I'd be furious with one of my twins if they'd done that to their sibling - they're expected to have manners and respect each other in our family, and that would include a solo party if one didn't want one.

rainbowsandraspberrygin · 25/08/2025 21:03

I agree with your friend. On two occasions your brother said no and you went ahead anyway. You can have your own party. I can’t comment on her temper - that sounds like a different disagreement that led to this one?

northernballer · 25/08/2025 21:01

Someone tried to organise me a surprise 40th despite me specifically saying i didn't want one and it would be my idea of hell. Luckily another friend tipped me off so I could nip it in the bud at an early stage but it really pissed me off as I had made my feelings clear.

YABVVVVVU

WaitWhatWhatWait · 25/08/2025 21:01

... I don't think it's selfish of me to want to have a party it's not
... and I don't see why I shouldn't have one just because my brother doesn't want one. You should
... I can't have one just for myself, everyone knows we're twins... Yes you can.

steff13 · 25/08/2025 21:00

Fleur405 · 25/08/2025 20:56

You are getting quite a hard time and I feel a bit bad about that but…. I wonder if you are kind in the way my mum is which is to decide what you think is lovely for the people around you without giving any thought to their actual wants/needs/likes/dislikes. It’s a weird trait and for me I end up feeling like the idea of a daughter she wanted not actually as a person she is actually interested in.

I just can’t understand why you think your brother let you down. Yes maybe it would be great for you if your twin loved parties as much as you do, but he doesn’t!

I wouldn't call that kind.

Dontlletmedownbruce · 25/08/2025 20:59

Your friend was way out of line the way she spoke to you but I agree with her and PP on the party situation. I feel for your brother, everyone was left thinking he was snubbing his own party and acting strange but he was doing exactly what he said he was going to do. If this has happened previously like you say I see why this time he said its enough I'm not going just to prove her right.

My twins have separate parties. Each is permitted to attend the others party if they wish but only as a guest where they are not allowed blow out candles or acknowledge it's their birthday too. This was an arrangement after much negotiation when they turned 11. This year aged 12 one chose not to attend. The whole thing with you and your brother seems very childish.

latetothefisting · 25/08/2025 20:58

it would look weird for me to have a birthday party without him.

No it wouldn't. You are two separate people. I bet lots of your friends don't even know your brother.

I'm a really kind person
Really kind people don't usually have to go around telling everyone they're really kind

LetItGoHome · 25/08/2025 20:57

It sounds like you definitely owe your brother and appology. Possibly your friend too.

Fleur405 · 25/08/2025 20:56

You are getting quite a hard time and I feel a bit bad about that but…. I wonder if you are kind in the way my mum is which is to decide what you think is lovely for the people around you without giving any thought to their actual wants/needs/likes/dislikes. It’s a weird trait and for me I end up feeling like the idea of a daughter she wanted not actually as a person she is actually interested in.

I just can’t understand why you think your brother let you down. Yes maybe it would be great for you if your twin loved parties as much as you do, but he doesn’t!