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Original poster

To have organised a 40th birthday party for me and my twin?

742 replies

loonyloo · 25/08/2025 20:31

I've just had an argument with my lifelong friend about this.

I have a twin brother. We turned 40 a couple of weeks ago. I wanted a big party as it's a big milestone. I don't think that's unusual. I told my brother a few months ago that I wanted the party. He said that he didn't want a big fuss and wouldn't come.

I went ahead and organised one. His wife knew and said he'd come. The party came and he didn't show up. I'd assumed he would despite what he'd said. I was really embarrassed in front of all our extended family and friends and upset that he'd let me down. I really thought he'd come. He'd said he hadn't wanted a 21st either but I did, so my mum organised a big party for us. He was a bit grumpy about it, but he did come and enjoyed himself in the end.

I'd told my friend how upset I was about it but she didn't say very much. She can be like that though, she's a bit unfeeling. I saw her on Friday and we ended up having a disagreement about something else that escalated and the subject of the party came up. She said that I was in the wrong for throwing a party for me and my brother. She said if I wanted a party I should've thrown one for myself and not told everyone it was for both of us. She said it was an example of me "always, always having to have things your own fucking way" and that I was selfish.

I'm really upset. I don't think it's selfish of me to want to have a party and I don't see why I shouldn't have one just because my brother doesn't want one. I can't have one just for myself, everyone knows we're twins and it would look weird for me to have a birthday party without him. My friend was really rude today and needs to watch her temper. I'm a really kind person and I think it's not too much to ask for others to put themselves out for me sometimes, but I've been thinking about what my friend said and now I'm worried other people think I was selfish about the party.

OP posts:
Anabla · 27/08/2025 13:18

Armadilloscavanger · 27/08/2025 12:36

Totally derailing from the thread. But as a parent I feel like it's easy to go too far one way or the other. They have a special link but that isn't everything about them and all they should be. From my perspective though I can see it would be hurtful to feel like your sibling isn't that interested in that bond. But you're right definitely making it into something far bigger whilst watching these two run around like crazy people.

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Everyone parents differently but we were just brought up as two individuals who happened to share a birthday. My parents never put any pressure or emphasis on us being "the twins" or that we should have this special bond between us and my relationship with my twin was no different than my other sibling growing up, in fact they were the closer pair and were more likely to be paired up as they were both boys! And I'm so glad that's how it was.

Honestly me and my twin now are civil and get on fine, but we aren't particularly close and neither of us is interested in maintaining this special bond or link we have and its completey fine, nothing hurtful about it. It's not something I ever give much thought too!

snowmichael · 27/08/2025 13:17

Hedgehogbrown · 26/08/2025 22:15

Twins don't really do this.

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Some do, some don't - and sometimes, as in this case, one of a twin does, one doesn't

snowmichael · 27/08/2025 13:03

loonyloo · 26/08/2025 19:44

He never wants to go out for dinner!!! I literally just said he never wants to do anything, so every year we do what he wants to do, which means we do nothing!!! There is no give and take in any of this

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> every year we do what he wants to do, which means we do nothing!!!

Why?
Why can't you celebrate your birthday without him?

> There is no give and take in any of this
Well, we've seen that's not true - it's all 'take' from you and the assumption that he will 'give'

snowmichael · 27/08/2025 13:00

loonyloo · 26/08/2025 19:55

No. He doesn't

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The way you've behaved for at least 19 years (and, I suspect, for much, much longer) I am not surprised

snowmichael · 27/08/2025 12:57

loonyloo · 26/08/2025 19:44

He never wants to go out for dinner!!! I literally just said he never wants to do anything, so every year we do what he wants to do, which means we do nothing!!! There is no give and take in any of this

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His birthday, his choice
You have no right to insist he has to spend his birthday doing what you want

And I have to say, I don't blame him
I'd never want to go out to dinner with you, either

snowmichael · 27/08/2025 12:56

loonyloo · 26/08/2025 19:25

This thread has become a total pile on and I'm starting to feel a bit beseiged by all the responses telling me I'm a shit person. I've been really overwhelmed all day.

Thank you to the handful of people who have at least tried to see things from my point of view or been constructive in disagreeing with me.

Some of you have been criticising me for not appreciating that people are different, but then turning round and sneering at me because "adults having birthday parties is weird". That's hypocritical.

I haven't got the energy or the mental capacity to respond to any more of the individual questions as I'm exhausted by it all. But I will say that my sister in law is not at fault here.

I'm going to try to explain this one last time in the hope that people will finally understand.

  • I have not had, or asked my brother for, a birthday party since our 21st. So it's been 19 years of his way
  • We never do anything for our birthday at all because he never wants to (which to be fair I haven't mentioned on here before)
  • If I have a party that is just "my" party and not his, with our family and my friends, and he comes as a guest, it ends up being his party anyway as people wish him happy birthday etc. Not a problem for me, but that then means he is having a party
  • By inviting his friends he at least had people there just for him
  • the other option is that I have "my own" party and he doesn't come at all. But how many of you, hand on heart, wouldn't feel hurt and left down if your own brother couldn't be bothered to come to a milestone birthday party? Or something other event that was important to you? Twin or not? Even for an hour?

Do you realise that doubling down on your thoughtless behaviour just means you're behaving doubly thoughtlessly?

Your brother told you he didn't want a joint party, you organised a joint party

He told you he wouldn't come, you assumed he would - and invited others on the pretence that he would

I withdraw my earlier comments about you not knowing how selfish you are, because all you are doing is showing everyone what a horrible, self-centred, arrogant, selfish sister you are

Armadilloscavanger · 27/08/2025 12:36

Anabla · 27/08/2025 12:14

I think in your own words, you're completely overthinking this and catastrophosing this. I admittedly am not close to my twin now but was growing up and we still did seperate birthdays since we were children due to having seperate friends.

It was fine, there was really nothing to it. No drama or anything, no different to my other sibling arranging something to his birthday. My parents left it to us to decide what we wanted to do and it was organised accordingly. And as we became adults we've never celebrated together. It's absolutely fine, it's not something I even think about. My birthday doesn't feel any less like "my day" because I am a twin. I can't believe half the drama or worrying about it I've read on this thread!

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Totally derailing from the thread. But as a parent I feel like it's easy to go too far one way or the other. They have a special link but that isn't everything about them and all they should be. From my perspective though I can see it would be hurtful to feel like your sibling isn't that interested in that bond. But you're right definitely making it into something far bigger whilst watching these two run around like crazy people.

Trendyname · 27/08/2025 12:30

loonyloo · 26/08/2025 19:39

Yes how dare I defend myself after 23 pages of people telling me I'm a cunt for wanting to celebrate my birthday with my twin

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That’s all you got from all these posts?

Anabla · 27/08/2025 12:14

Armadilloscavanger · 27/08/2025 11:45

Thank you for this it truly worries me that the end results can be catastrophic if it's isn't done right

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I think in your own words, you're completely overthinking this and catastrophosing this. I admittedly am not close to my twin now but was growing up and we still did seperate birthdays since we were children due to having seperate friends.

It was fine, there was really nothing to it. No drama or anything, no different to my other sibling arranging something to his birthday. My parents left it to us to decide what we wanted to do and it was organised accordingly. And as we became adults we've never celebrated together. It's absolutely fine, it's not something I even think about. My birthday doesn't feel any less like "my day" because I am a twin. I can't believe half the drama or worrying about it I've read on this thread!

Trendyname · 27/08/2025 12:14

Armadilloscavanger · 27/08/2025 11:45

Thank you for this it truly worries me that the end results can be catastrophic if it's isn't done right

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Yes it can be if you expect one to compensate for other like my parent did and that became the norm and very hard to deal with. Now my sibling and I have no relationship.

Trendyname · 27/08/2025 12:09

InMyShowgirlEra · 26/08/2025 21:07

You started off this thread asking if you were unreasonable for forcing an unwanted joint birthday party on your twin brother who clearly stated he didn't want a party, but you decided he needed one because he's unsociable.

It's now clear that actually your issue isn't that you are concerned about your brother's social life but that you want him to do more to celebrate you and demonstrate he cares about you.

If you'd led with that instead of trying to frame it as a selfless act of love gone wrong, you might have had different responses.

With that in mind, it's not unreasonable to want your family to make a fuss of you on your birthday if that's your thing, but you do need to accept that he isn't going to.

Next time you want a birthday party, throw a birthday party for you and if people ask where the twin is just be honest, "Oh he's not into parties."

If it's important to you then let him know it would mean a lot to you if he sent a card to acknowledge the day.

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But it’s his birthday too so why should we celebrate her? He is not stopping her for having a lovely day for herself.

We don’t know his side of story. I have a ‘me, me, I am so perfect’ sibling like op and who on every occasion wants to be the centre of attention, is loud, doesnt listen, constantly talks over, take offence on smallest things but not afraid to do much hurtful things to you, has no self awareness, says I am who I am. As an older sibling, I took all that nonsense because I was told they are the younger ones, now in my 40s I have had enough.

I used to celebrate them, and wanted to have a close relationship but this time I didn’t even wish them on their birthday because I am sick of them changing narratives when they do something hurtful and then because they have loud mouth telling our relatives their own version, at the same time massive silent treatments. Of course, it’s all because our parents enabled this from very young age.

i am not sure op and her brother have same problem but sometimes in close families when parents tell the introvert child to suck it up to the extrovert, eventually relationship between siblings fall apart.

ARichtGoodDram · 27/08/2025 12:02

Thank you for this it truly worries me that the end results can be catastrophic if it's isn't done right

That's not any different to any other family. I'm NC with my siblings because they were demanding, rude and stemmed into abusive. I'm the youngest by 9 years.

Sensible parenting is all it needs. They're twins yes and when they want to celebrate that celebrate it. However, they are also two individuals and that should also be celebrated. So they should have the freedom to dress differently, have different friends and celebrate their birthday how they want to (obviously within family budgets etc).

Armadilloscavanger · 27/08/2025 11:45

ARichtGoodDram · 27/08/2025 11:28

They'll be fine.

Mine had a joint 18th as they were inviting so many of the same people. Different 21sts as one was having a party with about 300 people and the other was having an afternoon tea with 14.

Had the OP not insisted on including her brother as it being his party he may have come as a guest - my girls have always attended each other's family celebrations. It was the adamant on him being thrown a party that caused the issue for the OP.

The flack the OP is rightly getting is because she seems to have no grasp of the fact that her brother is allowed to want to celebrate his birthday in his way as well.

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Thank you for this it truly worries me that the end results can be catastrophic if it's isn't done right

ARichtGoodDram · 27/08/2025 11:28

Armadilloscavanger · 27/08/2025 10:52

This makes me petrified of my twins growing up, truly believing they are somehow linked for life, to have to celebrate together for being wombmates. If one of mine doesn't want a party but one does, then that's fine. I just hope that other FAMILY know them enough to know it isn't their thing. Then the other can have a party without it being made into someone else's event.
Op you weren't wrong wanting to share you're party together. But you were unfair when he said he didn't want to. I don't think you deserve the flack from the thread though. It's ok to want to celebrate with the people who matter the most, and it's a shame that he doesn't feel the same.
Edited for spelling

Edited

They'll be fine.

Mine had a joint 18th as they were inviting so many of the same people. Different 21sts as one was having a party with about 300 people and the other was having an afternoon tea with 14.

Had the OP not insisted on including her brother as it being his party he may have come as a guest - my girls have always attended each other's family celebrations. It was the adamant on him being thrown a party that caused the issue for the OP.

The flack the OP is rightly getting is because she seems to have no grasp of the fact that her brother is allowed to want to celebrate his birthday in his way as well.

Gymnopedie · 27/08/2025 11:16

OK OP, so we've established that your brother doesn't attach anything like the same importance to being a twin that you do. He wants to be an individual in his own right, not half of a pair of twins. He's allowed to do so.

You still need to think hard about what your friends have said about you always having to make things about yourself. You've given other examples of you doing that. If you don't reflect and stop doing it, you'll find yourself with no friends eventually.

Shessweetbutapsycho · 27/08/2025 10:56

loonyloo · 26/08/2025 19:37

You've missed the point. We do what he wants to do every year. Which is nothing. So his wishes have come first most of the time.

I know mumsnet is full of people who seemingly compartmentalise their lives and don't seem to care much for anybody outside their own household, but I'm not like that. My extended family and friends are important to me and I like to celebrate their big events and can't help feeling hurt that my own brother can't make the effort to do the same for me for a couple of hours once every twenty years or so

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No he’s done what he’s wanted for the last 20 years, which is nothing… you could very easily have had 20 years worth of parties if you’d have wanted to. I don’t understand this all or nothing mindset, there is a third option in addition to joint party/no party- you organise a party on your own?

Armadilloscavanger · 27/08/2025 10:52

This makes me petrified of my twins growing up, truly believing they are somehow linked for life, to have to celebrate together for being wombmates. If one of mine doesn't want a party but one does, then that's fine. I just hope that other FAMILY know them enough to know it isn't their thing. Then the other can have a party without it being made into someone else's event.
Op you weren't wrong wanting to share you're party together. But you were unfair when he said he didn't want to. I don't think you deserve the flack from the thread though. It's ok to want to celebrate with the people who matter the most, and it's a shame that he doesn't feel the same.
Edited for spelling

WaitWhatWhatWait · 27/08/2025 10:46

...every year we do what he wants to do, which means we do nothing!!!

See I don't get this... why does what he wants to do mean "we" do nothing? You surely are well able to celebrate your birthday with your own friends & family.

I have experience from both sides on this...
My family are big into birthdays, everyone celebrates everyone else's birthday, parties, presents and cards galore 🥳 🎉 🪅 🎊 🎁 🎂 ( sometimes it's too much!)
DP's family are the complete opposite, they barely wish each other happy birthday. Neither his parents nor his siblings came to his 50th birthday party - they lived close by and it was hosted in our house, so it wouldn't have cost them anything. And no, to answer a previous question you asked... they don't give presents / cards.
It's just how it is - no-one expects others to behave differently. Everyone celebrates in their own way (or not as the case may be!)

SmurfnoffIce · 27/08/2025 10:46

Except he told you he DIDN’T enjoy his 21st.

And it was a big assumption that just because something turned out okay in the end 20 years ago that it would again.

DangerousAlchemy · 27/08/2025 10:10

loonyloo · 25/08/2025 23:36

We'd been talking about a hobby of mine. My friend seemed interested so I invited her along next time I go. She declined. I tried to gently encourage her. I think it would be good for her mental health and and she had been asking questions it seemed like she was really interested but might've needed some encouragement to help her get over her reservations (but I didn't say I thought it'd be good for her). We had a bit of back and forth and she blew up at me saying I was trying to force her and compared it to the party

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Op you do sound a little bit controlling tbh. Maybe let your friend worry about her own mental health? You don't need to fix everyone's issues all the time. You should probably have messaged your brother and told him lots of his friends would be at the party. That could have persuaded him to come. He probably hates being in the limelight. Is he an introvert?

Oldwmn · 27/08/2025 10:09

loonyloo · 25/08/2025 20:31

I've just had an argument with my lifelong friend about this.

I have a twin brother. We turned 40 a couple of weeks ago. I wanted a big party as it's a big milestone. I don't think that's unusual. I told my brother a few months ago that I wanted the party. He said that he didn't want a big fuss and wouldn't come.

I went ahead and organised one. His wife knew and said he'd come. The party came and he didn't show up. I'd assumed he would despite what he'd said. I was really embarrassed in front of all our extended family and friends and upset that he'd let me down. I really thought he'd come. He'd said he hadn't wanted a 21st either but I did, so my mum organised a big party for us. He was a bit grumpy about it, but he did come and enjoyed himself in the end.

I'd told my friend how upset I was about it but she didn't say very much. She can be like that though, she's a bit unfeeling. I saw her on Friday and we ended up having a disagreement about something else that escalated and the subject of the party came up. She said that I was in the wrong for throwing a party for me and my brother. She said if I wanted a party I should've thrown one for myself and not told everyone it was for both of us. She said it was an example of me "always, always having to have things your own fucking way" and that I was selfish.

I'm really upset. I don't think it's selfish of me to want to have a party and I don't see why I shouldn't have one just because my brother doesn't want one. I can't have one just for myself, everyone knows we're twins and it would look weird for me to have a birthday party without him. My friend was really rude today and needs to watch her temper. I'm a really kind person and I think it's not too much to ask for others to put themselves out for me sometimes, but I've been thinking about what my friend said and now I'm worried other people think I was selfish about the party.

You can't make someone do something they really don't feel comfortable. You love big parties - your brother doesn't. Why on earth are you doing this? You already knew he didn't like this sort of thing but ploughed ahead regardless. Any embarrassment you've experienced you've brought on yourself. In future, if your brother says No, listen to him!

Ivy888 · 27/08/2025 09:53

loonyloo · 25/08/2025 22:18

I think you're all being a bit harsh on me. I didn't expect everyone to agree but hardly anyone is seeing this from my point of view. I wanted my brother to have a nice birthday. He can be a bit unsociable at times so needs to be encouraged to come to events and stuff but he always enjoys himself once he's there. I thought it'd be like his 21st where he ended up enjoying it.

Even if I did the wrong thing I don't think I was selfish and I think my friend was really horrible about it.

Except he told you he DIDN’T enjoy his 21st.

A nice birthday for him is not a party. You could have given him a nice birthday by listening to what he wanted.

Ivy888 · 27/08/2025 09:49

You are not selfish to want a party but YABU to expect your brother to also want a party and YABVU to be upset at him not coming when he said he didn’t want a party and wouldn’t come. It’s quite disrespectful of you to go ahead against his wishes and honestly you owe him a big apology. No one would have found it weird if the party was just for you. Surely people know you and your brother have different tastes and personalities?
I would advice you to reflect upon what your friend said because I think she tried to tell you that you have form for not taking other people’s feelings into account and dismissing their wishes when they don’t suit you. Your angry feelings towards your friend (saying she was rude and needs to watch her temper) tell me you struggle to reflect upon your actions. Your friend is probably fed up of you feeling sorry for yourself in situations where you didn’t consider other people’s feelings.

VickyEadieofThigh · 27/08/2025 09:35

diddl · 26/08/2025 20:56

So you haven't had a birthday party since your 21st?

Well tbh a lot of people won't have done I wouldn't have thought.

Maybe one for their 30th?

But that surely doesn't mean that you haven't celebrated your birthday at all because your brother hasn't wanted to?

I've never had a birthday party. I've never wanted one.

HevenlyMeS · 27/08/2025 09:28

Yes I don't believe anyone has recommended or suggested they live in each other's pockets