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Original poster

To have organised a 40th birthday party for me and my twin?

742 replies

loonyloo · 25/08/2025 20:31

I've just had an argument with my lifelong friend about this.

I have a twin brother. We turned 40 a couple of weeks ago. I wanted a big party as it's a big milestone. I don't think that's unusual. I told my brother a few months ago that I wanted the party. He said that he didn't want a big fuss and wouldn't come.

I went ahead and organised one. His wife knew and said he'd come. The party came and he didn't show up. I'd assumed he would despite what he'd said. I was really embarrassed in front of all our extended family and friends and upset that he'd let me down. I really thought he'd come. He'd said he hadn't wanted a 21st either but I did, so my mum organised a big party for us. He was a bit grumpy about it, but he did come and enjoyed himself in the end.

I'd told my friend how upset I was about it but she didn't say very much. She can be like that though, she's a bit unfeeling. I saw her on Friday and we ended up having a disagreement about something else that escalated and the subject of the party came up. She said that I was in the wrong for throwing a party for me and my brother. She said if I wanted a party I should've thrown one for myself and not told everyone it was for both of us. She said it was an example of me "always, always having to have things your own fucking way" and that I was selfish.

I'm really upset. I don't think it's selfish of me to want to have a party and I don't see why I shouldn't have one just because my brother doesn't want one. I can't have one just for myself, everyone knows we're twins and it would look weird for me to have a birthday party without him. My friend was really rude today and needs to watch her temper. I'm a really kind person and I think it's not too much to ask for others to put themselves out for me sometimes, but I've been thinking about what my friend said and now I'm worried other people think I was selfish about the party.

OP posts:
DarklingIlisten · 26/08/2025 03:09

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Dannydevitoiloveyourart · 26/08/2025 03:02

loonyloo · 25/08/2025 23:25

Thank you! I think people don't get how hard it is being a twin.

I didn't tell my brother specifically that I'd invited his friends but he saw the invitations and they were very clearly about a party for both of us. And I'm sure his friends would've told him that they were coming.

Mixed views from the family. Most didn't say anything. Some thought it was weird he didn't come and asked me where he was. Some seemed to think it was funny. One of my aunts said he should've made an effort and wanted to speak to him. My dad was a bit non-committal and our older brother said he had always been a bit awkward and that I should've had a solo party

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I know what it’s like to be a twin lol and I say you are completely unreasonable here.

I would also go as far as to say you didn’t do it for the right reasons - you did it for utterly selfish reasons. If it was for your brother to have a good time, you’d have involved him in the planning for your joint bday celebrations, not tried to railroad him into what you wanted.

What’s atrocious is that you invited his friends knowing he didn’t want a party and had told you he wouldn’t attend- that’s a breach of trust, and shows you have no respect whatsoever for your twin’s feelings.

InterIgnis · 26/08/2025 02:22

You seem to pay no attention to the fact that other people have the right to make their own choices. It doesn’t matter what you consider to be ’the right thing’ - you aren’t entitled to ride roughshod over others. Your brother told you he didn’t want a party and wouldn’t be going. Your embarrassment is an entirely self inflicted injury.

I suspect your friend, and indeed your brother, has had enough of this particular personality trait of yours.

HoppingPavlova · 26/08/2025 02:22

Your friend is right.

Your brother told you he didn’t want a joint birthday party. You took it upon yourself to steamroll over that and go ahead and organise a joint birthday party. He enforced healthy boundaries (probably after being subject to this behaviour for many years). That’s the sum total and your friend just didn’t use fluffy language when telling you to stick it after you tried to steamroll her also. Do you see a theme here, because it appears there is one?

Todayismyfavouriteday · 26/08/2025 02:20

Your brother did not want a party, and said he would not come. Looks like your friend is right: you think that if you insist long enough, things will turn out the way you want them to. He is a different person, and his wishes should be respected. Have your own party.

mummytrex · 26/08/2025 02:19

As for having good intentions that seems to be a bit of a stretch.

You've said you wanted a big party but don't believe you could have had it without including your brother who said he didn't want a party.

You then appear to have thought to hell with brothers wishes I'll do what I want.

mummytrex · 26/08/2025 02:13

You were not unreasonable be want a big party. However you're very unreasonable to have:

  1. Tried to strong arm your brother into having a party he clearly said he didn't want and wouldn't attend;
  1. Claim you were embarrassed he didn't attend. Why were you embarrassed he simply did what he told you he would do (not attend)? The fact that you ignored what HE wanted (not a big party) and instead invited his friends etc in an attempt to force him to bend to your will/cebrate his 40th the way YOU wanted him to is actually quite horrible and manipulative.

If I were your brother I'd be pretty cheesed off with you.

StillFeelingTired · 26/08/2025 02:03

I also suspect that although the op thinks he enjoyed the 21st eventually he really just grinned and bore it. Now he’s tired of bearing it.

Tablesandchairs23 · 26/08/2025 01:58

I think on this occasion your friend is right. You totally disregarded your brother's feeling.

Gilead · 26/08/2025 01:49

I feel you need to think about things before saying them. You may feel the other friend thread has nothing to do with this one but actually it’s saying the same thing, it’s about you.
example 1 : you texted friend to apologise because you got emotional, she didn’t reply, so rather than leave it, you pushed it. If someone doesn’t reply it’s usually because they don’t want to or are concerned about their reaction to you. You got the reaction.
With regard to your birthday party, ‘I thought’ doesn’t work. He said no. It’s not your job to gee him up and force him to socialise because he’d enjoyed it 19 years ago.
Suggestions. Start looking out for other people more. Take some lessons in empathy (good grief I’m autistic and manage better than you)!
Try listening to what other people’s wishes are.
95% have voted against you. That means it’s highly likely you’re in the wrong.

Derbee · 26/08/2025 01:35

I think 40 is certainly old enough to have learnt to listen to people, and stop being so selfish. Forcing your brother to have a party he didn’t want, forcing your friend to attend a hobby she didn’t want to.

You really sound unpleasant. You might convince yourself that you’re just well meaning, but you sound unpleasant to those around you. Selfish, and pushy.

BeltaLodaLife · 26/08/2025 01:35

loonyloo · 25/08/2025 23:36

We'd been talking about a hobby of mine. My friend seemed interested so I invited her along next time I go. She declined. I tried to gently encourage her. I think it would be good for her mental health and and she had been asking questions it seemed like she was really interested but might've needed some encouragement to help her get over her reservations (but I didn't say I thought it'd be good for her). We had a bit of back and forth and she blew up at me saying I was trying to force her and compared it to the party

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It seems that all your disagreements come up because you feel you’re right, they’re wrong and you’re going to get them to do what you think they should do.

You just don’t have any respect for anyone else’s feelings, needs or wants. It doesn’t matter what you think; they’ve told you no. Why don’t you just listen to people and respect what they want? Why is it all about you and what you think is best for them?

NoThanksNeeded · 26/08/2025 01:22

loonyloo · 25/08/2025 23:36

We'd been talking about a hobby of mine. My friend seemed interested so I invited her along next time I go. She declined. I tried to gently encourage her. I think it would be good for her mental health and and she had been asking questions it seemed like she was really interested but might've needed some encouragement to help her get over her reservations (but I didn't say I thought it'd be good for her). We had a bit of back and forth and she blew up at me saying I was trying to force her and compared it to the party

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So you have taken it upon yourself to decide what is best for everyone else and screw what they actually want?

KTMeetsTheRsUptown · 26/08/2025 01:01

User5432154321 · 25/08/2025 23:05

Right listen up you lot. Unless you’re a twin you’ll never get why @loonyloo did what she did.

OP, I’m a twin. I have a twin like your twin who doesn’t really care about being a twin.

Your birthday is never YOUR birthday (singular). It’s YOUR birthday (plural). Whether people know your twin, don’t know him, whatever, your birthday has always been shared. Of course you can do your own thing and of course he can do his own thing but it’s a shared day forever!

Deep down, organising a party for you that’s not for him (especially when you wanted your FAMILY there, who are also his family…) feels like you’re cutting him out and cutting the cord. Which you didn’t intend to do, you just wanted party and you didn’t want to leave him out because he is your twin… I totally see this. You’d feel like a prize dick, it would feel WAY more selfish than the situation you’ve ended up in. And depending if your family are anything like mine, most of them will spend half the night questioning why you’ve organised it and left him out because you’ve always been THE TWINS to them, even thought everyone will tell you your both your own person blah blah blah.

But this is the bit no one else gets because THEY ARE NOT TWINS.

So, from the pov of good intentions YADNBU. AND… from the same twin perspective I think he was being a bit unreasonable tbh. It’s literally not that big a deal for him to come for a bit and see a few old faces.

However, from the pov of execution you probably were BU because communication fell apart. Did you tell DB his friends were coming too? Did you tell them that he said no and could they have a word?

Since you asked everyone on here if YABU, you have to accept they all see something unreasonable in what you did. But like I say, how much the opinions of non-twins bothers you is up to you. On balance I would have done the same as you and either asked some family to have a word and make sure he comes, or make sure they know he isn’t.

What did your family say?

Edited

I thought you were being unreasonable but after reading @User5432154321 post I've changed my mind and think YANBU. As a non-twin I can see it being a tricky situation for you and think you did the best you could. Shame DB didnt come but at least DSIL could have come and yr friend was being a bit out of order.

TheFormidableMrsC · 26/08/2025 00:58

I absolutely hate parties and had one forced on me at 18 and I’ve never had one since. You have all the parties you want, but to try and force it on your brother when he was very clear he didn’t want one is outrageous and I’m not surprised he didn’t show. Why do you think that was ok?

Northerngirl821 · 26/08/2025 00:48

You need to stop thinking you know what’s good/better for people than they do and listen to them instead. Wait for people to ask for your help and/or advice, don’t just give it unsolicited.

There’s nothing worse than having someone steamroller all over your life because they think they know what’s best for your mental health, and that you “need to be encouraged” to socialise. Some people don’t want to socialise and that’s fine, they’re just different!

Nanny0gg · 26/08/2025 00:46

loonyloo · 25/08/2025 23:36

We'd been talking about a hobby of mine. My friend seemed interested so I invited her along next time I go. She declined. I tried to gently encourage her. I think it would be good for her mental health and and she had been asking questions it seemed like she was really interested but might've needed some encouragement to help her get over her reservations (but I didn't say I thought it'd be good for her). We had a bit of back and forth and she blew up at me saying I was trying to force her and compared it to the party

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You need to learn to step back!

Nanny0gg · 26/08/2025 00:44

loonyloo · 25/08/2025 22:18

I think you're all being a bit harsh on me. I didn't expect everyone to agree but hardly anyone is seeing this from my point of view. I wanted my brother to have a nice birthday. He can be a bit unsociable at times so needs to be encouraged to come to events and stuff but he always enjoys himself once he's there. I thought it'd be like his 21st where he ended up enjoying it.

Even if I did the wrong thing I don't think I was selfish and I think my friend was really horrible about it.

That wasn't his idea of a nice birthday! (wouldn't be mine either)

You wanted what you wanted and you rode roughshod over his wishes.

He couldn't say No to your mum but he could to you.

And if you weren't being selfish, what would you call it?

PlacidPenelope · 26/08/2025 00:43

loonyloo · 25/08/2025 23:36

We'd been talking about a hobby of mine. My friend seemed interested so I invited her along next time I go. She declined. I tried to gently encourage her. I think it would be good for her mental health and and she had been asking questions it seemed like she was really interested but might've needed some encouragement to help her get over her reservations (but I didn't say I thought it'd be good for her). We had a bit of back and forth and she blew up at me saying I was trying to force her and compared it to the party

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Stop trying to encourage, or in reality force people into doing something because you think it would be good for them.

Instead of talking at people and trying to steam roller them into doing something you want them to do, whatever your reasons, listen to them and accept when they say 'No'.

Your intentions are not as good and genuine as you are telling us and yourself they are, you would not be behaving as you do if they were.

Jollyhockeystickss · 26/08/2025 00:40

loonyloo · 25/08/2025 22:18

I think you're all being a bit harsh on me. I didn't expect everyone to agree but hardly anyone is seeing this from my point of view. I wanted my brother to have a nice birthday. He can be a bit unsociable at times so needs to be encouraged to come to events and stuff but he always enjoys himself once he's there. I thought it'd be like his 21st where he ended up enjoying it.

Even if I did the wrong thing I don't think I was selfish and I think my friend was really horrible about it.

No ones listening to me (im more important listen to me) i wanted my brother to come to my party.....he would have enjoyed himself i know whats best for him!!! You sound 18 not 40, your friend is right you dont listen

Oldfatfedup · 26/08/2025 00:27

Yea you are twins but you are separate people, I’m sure you have had issues over the years about sharing a birthday , maybe or maybe not but you can’t decide for you both, I hope ya both had the birthdays you wanted

SouthLondonMum22 · 26/08/2025 00:26

User5432154321 · 25/08/2025 23:42

They don’t get it OP.

Heres the bit everyone is missing.. this was a FAMILY party with all the aunts, uncles, cousins, parents, siblings etc? Him not being included in that as a TWIN is just fucking weird. If it was just friends, fine… then you can just do your own but as a twin you cannot have a birthday party, invite all your family, and leave him out?!!

You basically had two choices.

  1. Not have a party at all… which makes him the selfish one, why shouldn’t you have some fun?
  1. have your party and do everything you could to make sure he could be part of it with as little effort on his part as possible, eve if that just meant turning up and saying hi to a few people

In your scenario I simply can’t imagine any option in between, unless it involved friends only (which I think is what everyone is picturing) and no family.

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He didn't want a party. That isn't leaving someone out, that's respecting the fact that someone doesn't want a party.

OP also went ahead and invited some of his friends so it wasn't just a family party.

MumWifeOther · 26/08/2025 00:24

loonyloo · 25/08/2025 20:31

I've just had an argument with my lifelong friend about this.

I have a twin brother. We turned 40 a couple of weeks ago. I wanted a big party as it's a big milestone. I don't think that's unusual. I told my brother a few months ago that I wanted the party. He said that he didn't want a big fuss and wouldn't come.

I went ahead and organised one. His wife knew and said he'd come. The party came and he didn't show up. I'd assumed he would despite what he'd said. I was really embarrassed in front of all our extended family and friends and upset that he'd let me down. I really thought he'd come. He'd said he hadn't wanted a 21st either but I did, so my mum organised a big party for us. He was a bit grumpy about it, but he did come and enjoyed himself in the end.

I'd told my friend how upset I was about it but she didn't say very much. She can be like that though, she's a bit unfeeling. I saw her on Friday and we ended up having a disagreement about something else that escalated and the subject of the party came up. She said that I was in the wrong for throwing a party for me and my brother. She said if I wanted a party I should've thrown one for myself and not told everyone it was for both of us. She said it was an example of me "always, always having to have things your own fucking way" and that I was selfish.

I'm really upset. I don't think it's selfish of me to want to have a party and I don't see why I shouldn't have one just because my brother doesn't want one. I can't have one just for myself, everyone knows we're twins and it would look weird for me to have a birthday party without him. My friend was really rude today and needs to watch her temper. I'm a really kind person and I think it's not too much to ask for others to put themselves out for me sometimes, but I've been thinking about what my friend said and now I'm worried other people think I was selfish about the party.

Well, she’s right.

AngelicKaty · 26/08/2025 00:20

User5432154321 · 25/08/2025 23:57

No one’s relationship is representative of anyones, including yours. Read my post, it was addressed to people who are NOT twins yet in your own arrogant and self absorbed way you felt the need to respond and tell me I’m claustrophobic when you know nothing about us. We are also identical Dsis, live on opposite sides of the world and get on like a house on fire but that obviously doesn’t fit your narrative does it?

Given it was a party with BOTH their family, brother, dad, aunts…. what should she have done?

Not organised one at all?

Or organised one for herself and told all their family he’s not coming?

Which you know full well as a twin would just be utterly weird, no matter how much you see yourself as being individuals.

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I've already posted, she should have organised a party for herself and made it very clear on the invitations that it wasn't a joint celebration. And no, it wouldn't be "utterly weird" at all - and only people like you and OP who have a very claustrophobic view of what twinship is, think that. Whether you like it or not, you're just going to have to accept that all twin relationships are not the same as yours (and not living in each other's pockets doesn't mean we don't get on like a house on fire too). Our extended family has never batted an eyelid that my twin sister and I mostly don't celebrate our birthday together - they see us as individual people with our own lives and friends separate from each other. We each celebrate our birthday with our DHs and sometimes friends, but I'm sure if one of us suggested having a joint celebration for our next milestone birthday, the other would give it due consideration, but it wouldn't be the end of the world for either of us if the other decided they didn't want to (or had something else planned separately). Yours and OP's twin relationships sound unhealthy - like you don't see yourself as valuable without your twin. Now that's weird!

PinkFlloyd · 26/08/2025 00:20

You think you know best...
People generally avoid confrontation. You force them into it by pushing their boundaries because you think it's in their best interests. Can you not see how youre actions are unteasonable?
The party you threw for your brother clearly had no involvement from him in the planning so apart from inviting some of his friends (that he wasn't aware of) it was going to be the
'loonyloo show.' He said no and you never spoke to him again about what was a huge event, even 5hough you knew he'd struggle with? I find that incredible.
Then all this bull about not being able to throw a party individually is just stupid. Maybe you like being a twin and the attention that can give. You're not even identical or the same sex (I am), no more linked than any sibling. You're 40 and just happen to share a birthday, you're not conjoined. All the family will know he's introverted. If he didn't want a party then he wouldn't have been expecting all of the family to be with him on the party date. In which case who do you think is questioning you having your own celebration? You just bulldozed your way to planning what you wanted because, as I said earlier... you know best.