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Original poster

To have organised a 40th birthday party for me and my twin?

742 replies

loonyloo · 25/08/2025 20:31

I've just had an argument with my lifelong friend about this.

I have a twin brother. We turned 40 a couple of weeks ago. I wanted a big party as it's a big milestone. I don't think that's unusual. I told my brother a few months ago that I wanted the party. He said that he didn't want a big fuss and wouldn't come.

I went ahead and organised one. His wife knew and said he'd come. The party came and he didn't show up. I'd assumed he would despite what he'd said. I was really embarrassed in front of all our extended family and friends and upset that he'd let me down. I really thought he'd come. He'd said he hadn't wanted a 21st either but I did, so my mum organised a big party for us. He was a bit grumpy about it, but he did come and enjoyed himself in the end.

I'd told my friend how upset I was about it but she didn't say very much. She can be like that though, she's a bit unfeeling. I saw her on Friday and we ended up having a disagreement about something else that escalated and the subject of the party came up. She said that I was in the wrong for throwing a party for me and my brother. She said if I wanted a party I should've thrown one for myself and not told everyone it was for both of us. She said it was an example of me "always, always having to have things your own fucking way" and that I was selfish.

I'm really upset. I don't think it's selfish of me to want to have a party and I don't see why I shouldn't have one just because my brother doesn't want one. I can't have one just for myself, everyone knows we're twins and it would look weird for me to have a birthday party without him. My friend was really rude today and needs to watch her temper. I'm a really kind person and I think it's not too much to ask for others to put themselves out for me sometimes, but I've been thinking about what my friend said and now I'm worried other people think I was selfish about the party.

OP posts:
SuperTrooper1111 · 26/08/2025 06:40

User5432154321 · 25/08/2025 23:42

They don’t get it OP.

Heres the bit everyone is missing.. this was a FAMILY party with all the aunts, uncles, cousins, parents, siblings etc? Him not being included in that as a TWIN is just fucking weird. If it was just friends, fine… then you can just do your own but as a twin you cannot have a birthday party, invite all your family, and leave him out?!!

You basically had two choices.

  1. Not have a party at all… which makes him the selfish one, why shouldn’t you have some fun?
  1. have your party and do everything you could to make sure he could be part of it with as little effort on his part as possible, eve if that just meant turning up and saying hi to a few people

In your scenario I simply can’t imagine any option in between, unless it involved friends only (which I think is what everyone is picturing) and no family.

Show quote history

Weird to you but not to him because he didn’t want to be there! Why does being a twin mean he’s not allowed an individual response to a situation?

Imbusytodaysorry · 26/08/2025 06:40

@loonyloo your friend is right your older brother is right and you are in the wrong.
You don’t have to be a bad person to be in the wrong.
The way you can’t see what others see is the selfish part. You want it , you think others would enjoy it . Doesn’t mean they should or will.
It’s very ignorant which I can see would appear selfish.
Why are you pushing others into something you want?
You don’t matter over everyone else . They choose for themselves.

If I was your twin/brother and I had told you no and you didn’t respect that I wouldn’t have turned up either . You should probably apologise for ruining his birthday with the pressure . His wife agreed while in the background thinking she could convince him to go and she failed.

Lighteningstrikes · 26/08/2025 06:38

Of course YANBU 💐
Why on earth is your friend your friend?
She sounds awful as if she’s your enemy.

pam290358 · 26/08/2025 06:37

I think if a lifelong friend says something like ‘always, always having to have things your own fucking way’ to you, it’s time to take a long hard look at yourself and realise that people clearly don’t see you as the very kind person you think yourself to be. Possibly why no-one else threw you a 40th birthday party ?

Pipsquiggle · 26/08/2025 06:34

I am a twin so know a bit about sharing birthdays.

Are you in each other's lives? Do you live close to each other? Do you still share the same friends?

We used to share parties a lot but TBH, I am not sure we would now. We'd be more likely to share a meal together on a milestone birthday and do separate parties. As we have grown older, we have become more single entities as we have our own lives.

I do think it was foolish inviting his friends without him being on board with it all

YanTanTetheraPetheraBumfitt · 26/08/2025 06:27

loonyloo · 25/08/2025 23:36

We'd been talking about a hobby of mine. My friend seemed interested so I invited her along next time I go. She declined. I tried to gently encourage her. I think it would be good for her mental health and and she had been asking questions it seemed like she was really interested but might've needed some encouragement to help her get over her reservations (but I didn't say I thought it'd be good for her). We had a bit of back and forth and she blew up at me saying I was trying to force her and compared it to the party

Show quote history

Yeah that’s really unreasonable of you too. I would hate this if I was your friend. You see it as gentle encouraging. She obviously felt she had said no and you didn’t listen to her and continued to try and nag her and put pressure on. Saying you think it would be good for her is patronising. She’s an adult, she gets to make her own decisions.

It does sound like this is what you repeatedly do. Your friend is right, it’s similar to your birthday party. Your brother was clear he didn’t want one. You could have had your own party, he wasn’t stopping you. But say it was for both and inviting his friends was awful. How dare you ignore his preferences. I’d be fuming if I was him. Why do you think you know best?

miraxxx · 26/08/2025 06:24

I find it curious that OP has had two separate friends blow up at her over two different issues and she still doesn't see her behaviour as problematic. The exasperation and frustration of her friends seem clear even through OP's account of the incidents. She also sees the overwhelming consensus on MN on both issues but continues to assert that the criticism is too harsh and her good intentions/feelings/efforts over-ride everything else. To be this tone deaf to feedback is not a good sign.

Survivingnotthriving24 · 26/08/2025 06:18

From this and your previous post, as well as the disagreement with your friends it does read like you have a tendency to be selfish or make it all about you.

If you really felt like you have to do things together, you could have chosen not to have a party given you forced your brother into it at his 21st. He might have appeared to enjoy himself but we tend to people please more when we're young. By 40 he's probably thinking if you don't give a shit about his plans and opinions then why should he care about yours.

XelaM · 26/08/2025 06:14

User5432154321 · 25/08/2025 23:42

They don’t get it OP.

Heres the bit everyone is missing.. this was a FAMILY party with all the aunts, uncles, cousins, parents, siblings etc? Him not being included in that as a TWIN is just fucking weird. If it was just friends, fine… then you can just do your own but as a twin you cannot have a birthday party, invite all your family, and leave him out?!!

You basically had two choices.

  1. Not have a party at all… which makes him the selfish one, why shouldn’t you have some fun?
  1. have your party and do everything you could to make sure he could be part of it with as little effort on his part as possible, eve if that just meant turning up and saying hi to a few people

In your scenario I simply can’t imagine any option in between, unless it involved friends only (which I think is what everyone is picturing) and no family.

Show quote history

My best friend is a twin and you and the OP are both completely self-absorbed and your behaviour is not indicative of all twins!! My best friend hasn't had a joint birthday celebration with her twin sister since they were kids because they are both different people with different personalities and friends and don't want to celebrate the same way.

Why should what OP wanted on her birthday trump what her twin wanted to do on his birthday?!? It's completely selfish to want him to make an effort to please OP when she has made no effort to respect his wishes on his own birthday.

chatgptsbestmate · 26/08/2025 06:11

loonyloo · 25/08/2025 22:20

Actually I invited quite a lot of his friends too. That's why I was so embarrassed, they were there for him, not me and he didn't bother to show up. I went to a lot of effort for the party

Show quote history

Oh
My
God

HE SAID HE WASNT COMING TO THE PARTY

Christ on a bike.....sort your fucking head out 🙄

chatgptsbestmate · 26/08/2025 06:08

Didimum · 25/08/2025 20:36

You’re 40, you say?

My thoughts, too. Confused

I'm Team Friend and Team Brother. I have no idea if you're ACTUALLY selfish but you're doing a very good job of proving that you ARE, in your OP

PotolKimchi · 26/08/2025 06:08

So either you had a joint party because:

  • you are twins and you thought it would be awkward without him
  • OR because you think he needs a social life and this milestone party would be a good occasion for him to socialise.

In the same vein you think it would be good for your friend to take up your hobby even though she said no. More than once.

You are being overbearing. You need let people live their lives. And you can absolutely have a party with friends and family and invite your twin WITHOUT inviting his friends.

Given your brother’s refusal to attend and your friend of many years snapping at you I do wonder whether you have form for this. Where you think you are doing something that is good for someone else and you see yourself as the ‘good’ person but actually it is about you. It is possible your brother has had 40 years of doing things you wanted to and simply refused.

cryinglaughing · 26/08/2025 06:02

User5432154321 · 25/08/2025 23:05

Right listen up you lot. Unless you’re a twin you’ll never get why @loonyloo did what she did.

OP, I’m a twin. I have a twin like your twin who doesn’t really care about being a twin.

Your birthday is never YOUR birthday (singular). It’s YOUR birthday (plural). Whether people know your twin, don’t know him, whatever, your birthday has always been shared. Of course you can do your own thing and of course he can do his own thing but it’s a shared day forever!

Deep down, organising a party for you that’s not for him (especially when you wanted your FAMILY there, who are also his family…) feels like you’re cutting him out and cutting the cord. Which you didn’t intend to do, you just wanted party and you didn’t want to leave him out because he is your twin… I totally see this. You’d feel like a prize dick, it would feel WAY more selfish than the situation you’ve ended up in. And depending if your family are anything like mine, most of them will spend half the night questioning why you’ve organised it and left him out because you’ve always been THE TWINS to them, even thought everyone will tell you your both your own person blah blah blah.

But this is the bit no one else gets because THEY ARE NOT TWINS.

So, from the pov of good intentions YADNBU. AND… from the same twin perspective I think he was being a bit unreasonable tbh. It’s literally not that big a deal for him to come for a bit and see a few old faces.

However, from the pov of execution you probably were BU because communication fell apart. Did you tell DB his friends were coming too? Did you tell them that he said no and could they have a word?

Since you asked everyone on here if YABU, you have to accept they all see something unreasonable in what you did. But like I say, how much the opinions of non-twins bothers you is up to you. On balance I would have done the same as you and either asked some family to have a word and make sure he comes, or make sure they know he isn’t.

What did your family say?

Edited

As a twin, I don't agree with this.
We are individual, very different people. We are treated as individuals and always have been.
I don't even tell people I'm a twin.

As I said previously, she would love a party, think Margot in The Good Life. She knows that isn't my thing and her friends aren't my friends. In fact, last time I did go to one of her get togethers (under sufferance may I add), one of her friends was downright rude to me ......about being a twin 🤣

StepOff · 26/08/2025 05:52

I told my brother a few months ago that I wanted the party. He said that he didn't want a big fuss and wouldn't come.

He told you he wouldn't come before you even planned it, months ago.

Lairymary · 26/08/2025 05:51

I wouldn't say you were selfish for wanting a party, but there is no need to drag your brother in to it when he clearly didn't want to be a part of it. Some people just don't want to be the centre of attention. You could have carried on without him, surely a simple "he didn't want a joint party" when asked about him would suffice to anyone questioning it. I don't think you're being selfish for wanting to celebrate jointly, but you are being stubborn and blinkered for carrying on against his wishes and trying to include him. You got what you deserved. Listen in future.

ChocolateCinderToffee · 26/08/2025 05:39

I make it 27 times you’ve said I in your post.

Hedgehogbrown · 26/08/2025 05:30

loonyloo · 25/08/2025 22:20

Actually I invited quite a lot of his friends too. That's why I was so embarrassed, they were there for him, not me and he didn't bother to show up. I went to a lot of effort for the party

Show quote history

This would really piss me off if my twin did this.

Goody2ShoesAndTheFilthyBeast · 26/08/2025 05:24

You've got to stop trying to force people to do what you want them to do. Your brother, your friend, everyone. I bet there are lots of examples of tines you've "gently encouraged" people to do what you have decided they should do.

How about trying something new?
When someone says no to you - respect that.

TheBlueUser · 26/08/2025 05:12

You knew he wasn't coming because he had told you - why didn't you just be honest with everyone and say that you were throwing a party, you had invited you twin to be involved and he declined, so it would just be your party.

WiddlinDiddlin · 26/08/2025 04:48

It does seem as though you have a habit of thinking you know what is best for other people, and deciding they ought to do things they have already said they don't want to do/are not interested in.

That is selfish. When you strip away the fluff, the 'oh but its good for them, its nice of me to do this'... it is selfish, its you thinking you know their minds better than they do, and seeking that warm fuzzy feeling of 'see, you DID have a nice time in the end' and 'you were right, I did enjoy it in the end'... etc.

LillyPJ · 26/08/2025 04:42

loonyloo · 25/08/2025 22:18

I think you're all being a bit harsh on me. I didn't expect everyone to agree but hardly anyone is seeing this from my point of view. I wanted my brother to have a nice birthday. He can be a bit unsociable at times so needs to be encouraged to come to events and stuff but he always enjoys himself once he's there. I thought it'd be like his 21st where he ended up enjoying it.

Even if I did the wrong thing I don't think I was selfish and I think my friend was really horrible about it.

Going to a party is not your brother's idea of a 'nice' time. You are being very selfish by not even imagining that other people are not like you and don't like the same things.

LillyPJ · 26/08/2025 04:37

He said he didn't want it. He said he wouldn't come. And he didn't. YABU. Of course you could have a party just for you. It doesn't matter that you're a twin. Why should he be forced to do something he doesn't like on his birthday?

Surveille222 · 26/08/2025 03:41

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

miraxxx · 26/08/2025 03:23

loonyloo · 25/08/2025 23:36

We'd been talking about a hobby of mine. My friend seemed interested so I invited her along next time I go. She declined. I tried to gently encourage her. I think it would be good for her mental health and and she had been asking questions it seemed like she was really interested but might've needed some encouragement to help her get over her reservations (but I didn't say I thought it'd be good for her). We had a bit of back and forth and she blew up at me saying I was trying to force her and compared it to the party

Show quote history

You seem to have difficulty accepting a clear no to your initiatives, no matter how well-intentioned. It seems your brother and friend have had enough of this.

Ratisshortforratthew · 26/08/2025 03:12

The more you post, and coupled with the thread from 2022 where you managed to make someone else’s illness all about you, you sound absolutely insufferable. You need to learn to stop making everything about you and assuming your way is the best way. If people tell you they don’t want to do something, take them at face value. If someone is telling you about a tragedy, don’t respond with how it reminds you of YOUR tragedy. Honestly it’s a wonder you have any friends left if you’re like this so often. The fact your family doesn’t stick up for you suggests they’re also sick of your antics.

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