To have organised a 40th birthday party for me and my twin?

OP my mum is a twin and really struggles with doing things independently.

She recently turned 75 and her and her twin had a day out together on their actual bday but then each held separate parties around the bday month. They each have different tastes. My mum preferred a nice meal with friends and family whilst her twin is very social and held a massive party.

It is possible to be a twin and have your own identity

She sound very similar to you. Always transfers her feelings onto others (ie ‘I would want to do xyz so why wouldn’t everyone else’).

She often buys presents she likes and can’t understand why the recipient might not be as keen because she loved it.

In childhood she pushed me to do swimming because it would be good for me and ‘I would love it. I hated it and resented going.

In adulthood she often talks over me and interrupts with her views and pushes her way rather than really listening to me and what I want.

The worst thing is the lack of awareness of personal space (and I know this is definitely a twin things as I’ve pointed it out to her so many times). She has to be physically in your presence when talking to you-really up close and it makes so many people uncomfortable. When I’ve pointed this out to her she sort of shrugs and says she prefers it with no consideration for how everyone else feels.

I woke say she thinks she’s being kind, she thinks she’s helping and she thinks she doing what’s best for you but it is all rooted in what she wants.

You sound the same.

People are "getting it". He said he wouldn't come but you decided you knew best.

It’s simple Op. You asked your brother, he said he wouldn’t come as didn’t want a big fuss. He didn’t come to the party so was true to his word.
Why are you trying to make this more than it is.
I think you have a problem overstepping boundaries. You need to know when to back off and understand if someone says they don’t want to do something

One of the biggest life lessons I ever learned was just because we assume someone else will love something/ have a great time, doesn’t mean that a) you should force it on them or b) that they will actually enjoy it. Sorry though op

Not to mention her brothers’ friendships with people who are now wondering why he seemingly snubbed them after they had made the effort for him. If OP is such a kind person how is she going to put that right, given that DB had already told her he wasn’t going to attend before she even invited them ?!!

OP this thread, the thing with your friend and the hobby, and then your old thread make me think you mean well but you aren't actively listening to and empathising with people.

If you wanted to, you could read up on and practice active listening skills. Really centre your thoughts and emotions on that person. How they might be feeling, what they actually want, etc.

I am neurodivergent and often will try to relate to people by sharing my own experience on what they're talking about. It's done with good intentions but I know some people don't see the intention behind it and think I'm trying to make the conversation about me. It's a thing I'm aware of and trying to actively work on improving in my conversations with others.

I've also found it really helpful to ask people what they need in a conversation, in a kind tone. Eg what can I do to help, do you need advice, or just an ear to rant and get it off your chest, whatever you need I'm right here. I do this because I often want to actively "sort" and sometimes friends have just wanted me to truly hear them and support them.

For your brother you could have had a wider dialogue about the party instead of just inviting his friends anyway, sending invites with his name on etc. You could have asked him what his ideal scenario was, would he have come to a party that was just for you, so all family there and your friends? He could have attended as a guest and had a nice time? But by roughshodding over his request you likely upset him before the party even came along. I'm quite introverted and hate being centre of a attention. If I was your brother I'd have come to your party to celebrate you and have a lovely time, but not to a joint party is been forced into.

That's a bit of a ramble but I think you do need to reflect a wee bit on all of these interactions and how they look as a wider picture. It sounds like you have nice family and friends around you. Don't feel bad about the party awkwardness. Just use it as a learning situation and move forward.

@loonyloo so you ignored what your brother said and through doing so made an issue in the family with some of it's members. Sounds selfish.

Did you have the party on your actual birthday?

Tbh the ops actions are so like my mothers who likes to be a victim and who likes to stage manage other people that it’s quite triggering. Not helped by the fact I’m holidaying with her at the moment for the first time in 30 years and am realising afresh why I ran far and fst from her 30 years ago.

You sound insufferable and spoilt. He said he didn't want a party and wouldn't come. It's his birthday too not just yours. Your friend has a point

Well yes she does have a point. Look, I don't doubt you have good intentions but there seems to be a pattern of behaviour where you decide you know what's best for people and don't accept it when they don't do as you want.

Your brother said he wasn't going to go, then he didn't. It would be different if he said he'd go and didn't turn up but it sounds like he was pretty clear. At 40, twin or not, it's perfectly normal to have your own party.

I'm really upset. I don't think it's selfish of me to want to have a party and I don't see why I shouldn't have one just because my brother doesn't want one. I can't have one just for myself, everyone knows we're twins and it would look weird for me to have a birthday party without him. My friend was really rude today and needs to watch her temper. I'm a really kind person and I think it's not too much to ask for others to put themselves out for me sometimes, but I've been thinking about what my friend said and now I'm worried other people think I was selfish about the party.

Your last paragraph says it all. I, l’ve, l’m, me, You asked your brother if he wanted the party. He said no and was clear that if you organised it he wouldn’t turn up. So you went behind his back to his wife and organised it anyway - and even invited his friends - then you were surprised when he didn’t turn up. Have you thought about the impact of that on his friendships with people who now think he couldn’t be bothered with them ? Do they have any idea that he had already declined to attend before they were invited ? How do you plan to put that right ?

These are not the actions of a kind person. Your friend is right. Listen to her. She wasn’t being rude, she was telling you a home truth. You are not seen as the kind person you think you are, but as someone so determined to get their own way that they don’t stop for a second to consider the impact on other people. So yes, you’re right to worry that other people think you selfish, because you are.

Your updates just make it worse op. Your friend said no, yet you thought you knew better than her and kept pushing.
Exactly the same as your DB
Your friend was not rude and your DB did not embarrass you. On both of these occasions you were in the wrong

So he told you he wasn't going to come. He told you he didn't want a party. But you invited his friends anyway.

Did you tell them they had been invited to a party that he didn't want? You've probably negatively impacted his friendships with your behaviour. Has that occurred to you?

Why didn’t you just have one for you, not him too? He’s done nothing wrong.

There are many well-known sayings that describe the gap between your self-image and your behaviour - suggesting that your flaws are very normal:

‘the road to hell is paved with good intentions’

’selfish Is as selfish does’ (or insert other characteristic)

Also ‘if it looks like a duck and quacks like a duck…’

All of which make the distinction between intention, behaviour and the impact of that behaviour. You may be well-intentioned, so believe yourself to be kind but your behaviour is not kind, it’s impact is hurtful and exasperating, because there’s a gap between basic intention and execution. That gap is you listening to others, respecting them as individuals and giving thought to what they want and would enjoy, then how that can be achieved.

Currently your behaviour is not kind. Its impact on others is positively unkind. That’s not about ‘being a bad person’ it’s about not having developed the skills to achieve the outcome you want - the kind outcome. You have kind intentions - but you haven’t acquired the skills required to BE kind.

From other people’s perspectives, their experience of your actions is as selfish and unkind. A kind person would feel sad for their friend and brother at having affected them this way, so seek to improve their social skills. A self-absorbed, selfish one will just feel sorry for themselves, then self-righteous.

Which one are you?

He didn’t want a party. He told you that he wouldn’t come, yet you bulldozed ahead and arranged it anyway and now you’re annoyed he didn’t turn up??

I’m afraid I’m with your friend on this one. You sound a bit self-absorbed.

You are totally unreasonable trying to force your brother into having a party he didn’t want. Why does your want for a party override his want not to have one? It does totally sound like you are the type of person that wants things their own way and very selfish - your friends words hurt as they’re true. And I’m afraid it’s you that are the unfeeling one - not your friend!
Have a party just for yourself by all means. No one would have thought that weird as I’m sure they have noticed you are the pushy look at me twin and your brother is the quieter one. Being a twin doesn’t give you the right to totally dominate another person!
Id really try use this as an opportunity to change as otherwise you’ll no doubt have neither friend or twin in your life if you continue being so selfish and bulldozing over everyone around you

Brilliant post

I must admit I've been thinking NPD whilst reading the OPs posts. At the very least narcissist traits.

It explains why the OP simply cannot see how selfish and unreasonable she's being .......diagnosed NPD people have altered brains and cannot see themselves as everyone else does

The big difference here is that because it was his birthday as well, he would have inevitably had a lot of attention on him too, which he clearly didn’t want.

It’s really normal and common for someone to not like a fuss and not have parties for milestone birthdays.

This would have been more than him just attending a family party.

This is what stands out to me. OP, you might want to reflect on why you are so sure that your views trump everyone else’s. Sounds like your twin has decided to set a boundary after 40 years and you are baffled by it!

I think you’re finding it harsh because you are failing to understand PPs’ points - and that of your brother. HE DIDN”T WANT A PARTY; he made this clear and said he would not come. You ignored his wishes because you had your own agenda, your own desire to have a joint party. If you were a spouse your actions might be considered coercive and controlling. If you love someone, you give them what they want and need, not want you think they should have. Or what suits you and what [you thought] would make you appear to be the generous and thoughtful sibling.

Your BFF is right. You cannot see that you are imposing what YOU want on him. It is selfish. It is insensitive. It is also quite narcissistic. This was all about your image, how you wanted to be perceived, about what you wanted.

You owe him an apology. And, gently, I’d suggest some therapy.

I think a mistake on your part here op is comparing your brother at 40 to your brother at 21.

21 year olds may be more likely to be pushed into things, especially if by their parents. Now he is 40, he may have independence and more confidents to say no to things.

hardly anyone is seeing this from my point of view...

@loonyloo Frustrating isn't it? Now try to understand how your brother feels when you refuse to see things from his point of view! He told you he didn't want a party so you spoke to his wife about it instead and organised one anyway. At no point did your brother say he would be there so I don't know why you were surprised when he didn't show.

Next time he tells you he doesn't want to do something try listening to him.

Op, when other people say no, listen to them.