To have organised a 40th birthday party for me and my twin?

I couldn’t think of the word I wanted last night after a long day of travel. It’s overbearing - absolutely overbearing.

But that’s what you like. Maybe your brother preferred a relaxing, quiet day rather than having to have forced conversations ( from his point of view.)

Your friend is right. You wanted a party and your brother didn't. You go ahead and make sure you throw a party for you and him anyway. And he got over ruled and had one for his 21st so it's a pattern. If you want a party throw one for you, don't drag someone who doesn't want one into it.
You are selfish and you can't even see it.

He couldn’t have been clearer

YANBU to want a party, yabu to make it for both of you

That’s what I was thinking. Most people really don’t say this sort of thing to their friend; they just nod and smile and move on when someone is being very selfish. And everyone else in the friend group usually just rolls their eyes at each other when the “me me me” person interrupts a story or tries to take over an event. For two different friends to actually say this to OP, she must be insufferable. Imagine the chat going on behind her back though.

You need to make amends for your behaviour and let your friends know that you’ve self reflected and will make an effort to stop this. @loonyloo.

The only person who embarrassed you, was you.

I want to throw a big joint birthday party brother what do you think?

Yeah I’m not coming to any party I don’t want a party.

Op goes ahead and plans a huge joint party, but with zero input so it’s all her decor and plans anyway and then invites his friends.

To the party he said no to. You embarrassed yourself.

I don’t have a twin, I have a sibling I shared birthday parties with as a young child as well they were being born at my birthday party. We still haven’t had joint or otherwise parties since we were children.

I certainly wouldn’t be inviting their friends to my party under the lie that it was joint. Because that’s what it was. You lied. He said no party. So it was never ever a joint party.

But you cannot accept the word NO if you think you know best, and you didn’t and maybe you might of finally learnt your lesson but by the sounds of it sadly not.

Well aren't you a busy bee OP, telling people what kind of party they should have, trying to manipulate them by getting their wife on board, and telling your friend to do an activity she clearly didn't want to do at that time.

I'm on Team Friend here. You sound controlling and manipulative. And I never trust a person who has to tell the world that they are "kind".

According to OPs response to that post, it’s a different friend which is hugely telling imo…

Well, there’s no point in worrying that people might now be thinking you were being selfish when you should really be feeling guilty about going against your brothers decision to NOT have a party! He said he didn’t want one, you ignored that fact and went ahead anyway. You knew from experience that he doesn’t like parties, but carried on planning. Why didn’t you just arrange something for your close friends and let you brother make his own arrangements to celebrate how he wished?

Is this the same friend as the last thread who told you to stop being self centred? Or is this now the second friend to tell you how self centred you are?

YANBU to want a birthday party. You 100% ABU to try to force your brother into having one who said in no uncertain terms that he didn't want one and wouldn't go.

It's as much his birthday as it is yours. Why do you think your wishes trump his?

"Gently encouraging" people is not kindness though. It's arrogance to think you know what's best for other people.
Of course you're not a terrible person, but I would take this as an opportunity to learn to respect other people's wishes and feelings. There is nothing wrong with your brother's being a bit antisocial or your friend's deciding not to attend a hobby with you. You don't get to decide what they do or how they should be.
What you perceive as kindness, others appear to find pushy and invalidating. It's up to you whether you choose to take this as a signal to change your approach.

It sounds to me like you think you’re being kind, and in a way you are but you are coming across as a bit pushy. It sounds like you want what you think is the best for others, but the issue is that not everyone is like you. It’s ok for people not to want a party or go to a hobby. You sound like you can’t get your head round people wanting a quieter life. If you want to be kind to people, listen to them and treat them with respect.

Why couldnt you just have a party for you. Surely as a twin you would be glad to have a bit of attention just for you.

I am on your brother's camp. I hate parties, I hate fuss so that is my idea of torture. My family know that so I would be so upset if they organised it

Very good post apart from "The worst thing is the lack of awareness of personal space (and I know this is definitely a twin things as I’ve pointed it out to her so many times)." Invading someone else's personal space is definitely not "a twin thing' and I don't know why you think it is remotely related to being a twin. My identical twin and I would never invade someone else's personal space and we would hate (and I really mean HATE) anyone doing that to us. The need for personal space - and the desire to protect it - is innate in all human beings, so much so that the overwhelming majority of humans do this (and allow for others to do it) without consciously thinking about it. It's why, when you encounter the rare human being who doesn't have this innate sense, that it's so jarring. Unfortunately, your DM is one of these rare people, but it has nothing to do with her being a twin.

OP you are being very pushy and selfish. Your brother said no, you tried to manipulate him into coming and it didn’t work. He must have been furious when he was told of the invites going out after saying no. I’m amazed he didn’t phone and tell you himself how ignoring his wishes is selfish and rude. You don’t know what’s best for him, he does. I bet you’ve been pushing him around for years and he’s finally not going along with your ideas anymore. You were very unkind to ignore his wishes. Have your own party.

You were selfish. Your brother told you he didn’t want a party and you organised one anyway because it’s what YOU wanted.
It sounds like you feel that you know best and try to bulldoze people into doing things they way you think they should be done.

If you don't think you can have a party without him then that is your issue, not his. What else do you feel you can't do without him? Or is it just birthday parties? If you hated each other would you still feel you had to have birthday parties together?

This can all turn into something positive op by reflecting on what’s happened, your actions, the feedback that you get from your friends (inc your previous post 3 years ago) and use it for self improvement moving forward, which is great at any age.

"She said it was an example of me "always, always having to have things your own fucking way""

This suggests you bulldoze people a lot. Perhaps your brother decided enough was enough and felt he had to stand his ground.

You need to start listening to people instead of pushing your own agenda when you've already been told no.

Can I ask gently Are you on the spectrum? As it does sound like you find it hard to understand social norms. You sound like a lovely caring person who just wanted to do a party for your brother, you ment well but sometimes you need to except that what you think someone would like is not what they think they would like. It's done now but going forward try to except what people tell you. (And maybe an apology to your friend and hopefully it will blow over)

Just read yours and one from a twin you quoted.

You should have organised a minor event for you plus twin, perhaps a quiet dinner with his wife. Then organised a big party for you alone.

You were selfish and tried to be controlling. You didnt consider your twin's feelings, only how bad you would feel if you didnt have him there. You would have felt bad leaving him out, you just put those feelings above his.

So, you think you know what is best for your brother and your friend. You ignore their wishes not to attend the party / try the hobby, so you push the issue. They push back, and you call them rude? You lack self awareness, no matter how good your intentions may be.

You need to learn that sometimes when people say no, it really is no and you need to back off