To have organised a 40th birthday party for me and my twin?

This.

Should there be a different message board, not AIBU, for:

'People irl are telling me I am in the wrong. Please can everyone online tell me I am right?'

Completely agree. It’s a very unhealthy relationship and she does often replicate this with other people. Her parents thought it was cute and saw them as one person rather than an individual.

i suspect the OP has some of this about her

@Nedeyk Wow, so it's your DH's 40th birthday and his DM thinks she has the right to tell him how to celebrate it?! 🙄 How do these people get to be fully-grown adults with so little self-awareness? I hope she has a light-bult moment, cancels the arrangements and apologises to your DH. And I hope your DH gets to do what he wants on his birthday!

It's actually very similar. Friend said no, you tried to steamroller her into doing it because you "thought it would be good for her." Your brother said no, but you thought he would actually have a good time when he got there.

You need to stop imposing your ideas of what you think people will like on them and take no for an answer.

We are in the middle of something similar with MIL

DH is 40, MIL wants to celebrate, DH has been clear all along that he does not want a party, dinner etc but she's ignored him and went ahead and made arrangements
It's all blew up because he's told her to cancel the plans, he didn't and still doesn't want it and now she's in the huff

If she'd listened to him in the first place, all would be fine.

A classic AIBU thread. 97% of respondents say YABU and OP tells us all we are wrong.

I think you meant well, OP. I'm sorry it didn't work out.

Ok so I have not read it all but this is very odd behaviour. I say this as someone who is a triplet and had joint and separate parties. We are individuals and not a set! Everyone is allowed their opinion and he didn’t want a party, you have to respect that

Just read the older thread OP and if I have got things right you have said this was another friend who told you, you were being unreasonable at that time.

Appreciate that you thought you were doing a nice thing for your brother but he specifically stated he didn’t want a birthday party .
You do come across as very self absorbed and only interested in what you want or how something affects you and if two different friends have said this and a lot of people here have posted you really need to think about how everything doesn’t revolve around you.

I'm sorry but I agree with the majority here. It's not kind to ignore someone else's wishes and assume you know what's best for them. Inviting his friends to the party put him in a very awkward position, you were putting him under immense social pressure to do something that he'd clearly told you that he didn't want to do - either he had to give into your wishes or look bad to his friends.

Your brother does not need encouraging to be sociable. He is forty years old, he can make his own decisions about socialising. He explicitly told you he did not want a party, and you tried to force him to have one anyway. Your behaviour was extremely selfish, however I do agree you weren’t intending to be selfish and thought you were doing a nice thing. The point you seem to have missed is that you and your brother are two separate people. You assume that he would want a party because you know that you would want a party. Your brother didn’t want a party and you rode roughshod over what he wanted on the assumption that you know what’s best for him. Can you really not see how out of order this is?! You owe him an apology.

Op
cant you see that both your threads have been about you being upset about friends saying that you are all
about you.
I think you need to have a real think about your behaviour.

The issue with pushy is that they think they know better and after a while you just can’t take it and would not want to listen to pushy sibling/ friend because you realise they never listen to you.
It starts to feel that this pushy person thinks they are better than you as they know better. I have a ‘I am always right and I know better about everything sibling’ and who also think only their feelings, wishes matter and they should be the decision maker so maybe I am biased.

YABU

If the boot was on the other foot and he didn't respect your wishes, I'm sure you'd be calling him out for being selfish.

Personally I hate being the centre of attention, so I totally understand how your twin brother feels on this one. Not everyone wants everything to be all about them like you do. Good for him for sticking to his guns and not coming. If you felt embarrassed by his absence, that was on you. He told you he didn't want a party and warned you he wouldn't come.

I'm with your friend on this one. From what you've told us, you really do need to have everything your own way. The fact you can't even see how unreasonable you were on this one is evidence of that. You're so blinded by what you want, that other people's feelings don't even come into it.

OK, thanks for the clarification (unfortunately your previous post didn't explain this). Sadly, your DM's twin relationship sounds deeply unhealthy, although I would blame her parents (or whoever raised her and her twin) for that. Allowing such a codependency to develop to the extent that it has stunted their individual lives is, IMHO, extremely poor parenting and I actually feel rather sorry for your DM. (Having said that, I can see how her behaviour, as a result of her upbringing, must have been difficult for you to deal with all your life.)

@loonyloo

The argument is quite telling. You seem to
have issues with respecting other people’s boundaries / autonomy.

Your brother clearly said he didn't want a fuss and a party. You went ahead “to encourage him to be social”

Your friend said that she is not interested in joining this hobby. You continued to push and push and even bring in her mental health - what an overstep on your part.

Do you realise that other people are not you?

They are independent beings who are free to make their own choices whether it is about a party or a hobby.

I really think you are BVVVVU and overbearing. I can see why you are getting the reactions that you are getting.

Also the “special twin bond” card is not one size fits all. There are 6 sets of twins in my family and thats why I feel qualified to say that not all twins feel the need to do everything together or indeed feel that “magical bond” that no one else can understand.

I think you should be mindful of other people’s preferences and be respectful
of their right to make their own decisions.

You are saying you had good intentions. But why your intentions are more important than your brother’s wishes.

Are you the golden child? Family members calling him awkward and that it’s weird he didn’t come. This adds another dimension to why he didn’t want to come. Does your family think you are the normal one for being an extrovert and social and he is not?Some families have tendency to compare kids. I can imagine it’s even more for twins. Maybe your brother didn’t want his birthday in your shadow because you are sounding like main character energy.

Agree with pp you sound controlling. Your a 40 year old woman you do not need to have parties with your twin like a 5 year old. He said no, you ignored him. You don't care about his feelings and are not as kind as you think you are. Your second friend has pointed this out to you as have many posters on here and you still don't want to listen! You will push your brother away aswell if this is how you act.

OP to twin, would you like to have a joint party
Twin : NO ( background twin comes across as an introvert who doesn't like parties
OP : Well i want a party so I will go ahead and organise it for both of us

You put your twin in a very awkward position where some people think badly of him even though he said from the start he didn't want a party.

Friend: You were wrong and think only of your own needs.
OP : Offended.

The above is very black and white but the basic facts of the story. You were unreasonable as you absolutely tried to railroad your twin into something he didn't want to do. Comes across as you have a history of this.

Selfish is not the word, self centred is.

It’s not just extrovert, introvert issue. Problem is op is dominating as well and now see herself as a victim and not able reflect for a moment to see other person’s point of view.

It’s not brother who was rude. If you invited brother’s friends overriding his wishes, then it’s on you.

You also seem to have a tendency to not take feedback / self reflect - based on this thread and the one a poster found.

I have a feeling 30 pages later, you would still be defending yourself.

I have a sibling like you, dominating, never wrong. It’s all about their feelings, even when they hurt you, they become victim and need attention all the time. I sympathise with your brother.

@AngelicKatyI disagree, it is a twin thing. This is the reason for it. I don’t mean every twin does it but it is rooted in being a twin.

She is an identical twin and from birth they were never separated, dressed the same, slept in the same bed until teenage years. They are joined at the hip and when together often hold hands and almost sit on each other. Her twin is the same with personal space.

I am not saying every twin has this issue, merely the reason for it is from her relationship with her twin and never being just ‘one’

Your take is that he enjoyed his 21st in the end but maybe he still cringes about this and didn't enjoy it.
This sounds like you are an extrovert and outgoing whereas he is an introvert and would prefer something quieter. Imagine if you were forced into something you didn't want to do and had already said you didn't want to do. He is an adult so not like a child and trying to encourage them into doing something new.

I don't think selfish is the right word, disrespectful maybe as you didn't respect his wishes that he didn't want a party and now have embarrassed him even more by going ahead with this and inviting his friends.

I do think that YABU OP. Yes your intentions are good, and you do sound like a kind person, but you seem to struggle to see things from others’ point of view.

My nephew made me a dinosaur birthday card because HE likes dinosaurs. Very kind of him, but immature reasoning. That’s fine, he’s five. But you are 40.

Being kind as an adult includes showing respect to others’ views. Have the humility to consider that perhaps what you think is best / right for them might not be the case. And even if you ARE correct, you have no right to force things on people. As I say, that is basic respect. Listen to them, don’t try to badger people into doing what you want them to do, regardless of your intentions.

I’m sorry @loonyloobut I think your friends are fed up with you always taking centre stage and trying to push what you want onto others and they eventually snap.
Your brother made it perfectly clear before you even arranged the party, that he wasn’t interested.
Assuming it took quite a bit of organising, did the penny not drop when you were organising it all and he wasn’t playing any part in it? So you chose the music, food, guest list etc etc? It wasn’t really his party was it?! It was yours!!!!
I think you need to stop and reflect because otherwise, you’re going to start pushing people away.