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Original poster

To have organised a 40th birthday party for me and my twin?

742 replies

loonyloo · 25/08/2025 20:31

I've just had an argument with my lifelong friend about this.

I have a twin brother. We turned 40 a couple of weeks ago. I wanted a big party as it's a big milestone. I don't think that's unusual. I told my brother a few months ago that I wanted the party. He said that he didn't want a big fuss and wouldn't come.

I went ahead and organised one. His wife knew and said he'd come. The party came and he didn't show up. I'd assumed he would despite what he'd said. I was really embarrassed in front of all our extended family and friends and upset that he'd let me down. I really thought he'd come. He'd said he hadn't wanted a 21st either but I did, so my mum organised a big party for us. He was a bit grumpy about it, but he did come and enjoyed himself in the end.

I'd told my friend how upset I was about it but she didn't say very much. She can be like that though, she's a bit unfeeling. I saw her on Friday and we ended up having a disagreement about something else that escalated and the subject of the party came up. She said that I was in the wrong for throwing a party for me and my brother. She said if I wanted a party I should've thrown one for myself and not told everyone it was for both of us. She said it was an example of me "always, always having to have things your own fucking way" and that I was selfish.

I'm really upset. I don't think it's selfish of me to want to have a party and I don't see why I shouldn't have one just because my brother doesn't want one. I can't have one just for myself, everyone knows we're twins and it would look weird for me to have a birthday party without him. My friend was really rude today and needs to watch her temper. I'm a really kind person and I think it's not too much to ask for others to put themselves out for me sometimes, but I've been thinking about what my friend said and now I'm worried other people think I was selfish about the party.

OP posts:
FluffyJawsOfDoom · 26/08/2025 15:26

loonyloo · 25/08/2025 22:18

I think you're all being a bit harsh on me. I didn't expect everyone to agree but hardly anyone is seeing this from my point of view. I wanted my brother to have a nice birthday. He can be a bit unsociable at times so needs to be encouraged to come to events and stuff but he always enjoys himself once he's there. I thought it'd be like his 21st where he ended up enjoying it.

Even if I did the wrong thing I don't think I was selfish and I think my friend was really horrible about it.

But he TOLD YOU he didn't want a party, a party would NOT be a "nice" birthday for him. He TOLD YOU he wouldn't come but you steamrolled over him.

OP you sound self absorbed and insufferable.

KoiTetra · 26/08/2025 15:26

loonyloo · 25/08/2025 23:36

We'd been talking about a hobby of mine. My friend seemed interested so I invited her along next time I go. She declined. I tried to gently encourage her. I think it would be good for her mental health and and she had been asking questions it seemed like she was really interested but might've needed some encouragement to help her get over her reservations (but I didn't say I thought it'd be good for her). We had a bit of back and forth and she blew up at me saying I was trying to force her and compared it to the party

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I don't think the issue here is being selfish (although the phrase in your first post about why shouldn't I have a party just because he doesn't want one) does come across as selfish. He could equally say why do I have to have a party just because op wants one....

The issue seems to be more that you want to help people who I suspect see you "help" as interfering and annoying.

You said you think your brother can be quite antisocial (cant remember the exact phrase you used) and so you thought the party would help him.
You said you thought joining this hobby would help your friends mental health and so pushed after she had declined.

This to me comes across as interfering and would really annoy me. If I have said no then it means no not try harder.

Tigergirl80 · 26/08/2025 15:17

You wanted a party so organised one. Your brother didn’t want a party so he chose not to go. But as your twin it would mean he wasn’t just going as your sibling. The spotlight would have been on him as well not just you which he didn’t want.

SmurfnoffIce · 26/08/2025 15:17

loonyloo · 25/08/2025 23:36

We'd been talking about a hobby of mine. My friend seemed interested so I invited her along next time I go. She declined. I tried to gently encourage her. I think it would be good for her mental health and and she had been asking questions it seemed like she was really interested but might've needed some encouragement to help her get over her reservations (but I didn't say I thought it'd be good for her). We had a bit of back and forth and she blew up at me saying I was trying to force her and compared it to the party

Show quote history

Are you really not seeing a pattern here, OP? People - people to whom you are close, not random strangers on the internet - are telling you that you Just. Don’t. Listen. They TELL you, loud and clear, that they don’t want a party ,or to come to your hobby night, or have a full head to toe makeover based on your hair and fashion tips - whatever it might be this week. But you are determined that you know best. And that they’re the terrible people for making you feel bad rather than just complying and doing what you just know they’ll enjoy…

Learn to listen. Listen and digest, and respect the feelings of the person telling you what they want (or in these cases, what they don’t want). You don’t need to fix your brother’s social life or your friend’s recreational time - they’re not broken.

Cheeky19863 · 26/08/2025 15:14

I hate parties and wouldnt be happy or go if someone arranged one for me. Good on him for not feeling forced to go. You are selfish

Charabanc · 26/08/2025 15:10

HevenlyMeS · 26/08/2025 14:45

I'm so sorry you experienced this
Please don't feel embarrassed because it was just your twin being a bit more seemingly introvert than your lovely self which it seems caused him to refuse attending
Yes of course it's still disappointing especially when previous experience showed you he can say he doesn't wish for a party but then attend regardless
Yes I completely comprehend you're unique individuals despite being Twins but something so precious & special's your Beloved Birthdays which of course you both share
No not in any way shape or form do I feel it's selfish of you to wish to share such important Milestone with your Beloved Twin
But please don't take it personally, he's seemingly not's outgoing as your lovely self
Please don't take to heart this so called friend
It's none of her business and she should keep her nose out of You&Your Beloved Twin's personal circumstances
Wishing You&Yours All The Utmost Very Best

especially when previous experience showed you he can say he doesn't wish for a party but then attend regardless

I suspect that aged 21, in the face of his parents organising the party, he felt he couldn't refuse.

Aged 39/40, he now has clearer boundaries and is happy to stick to them.

PopcornKitten · 26/08/2025 15:09

YABU, you told your brother what you wanted to do, he told you he didn’t want that and that he wouldn’t come. You proceeded anyway and are now annoyed that he’s done precisely what he told you he would do.
as a twin you are also individuals. You could have done your own thing. Certainly it was silly to invite his friends when he’s told you what he wanted.

TheLovelinessOfDemons · 26/08/2025 15:04

MayaPinion · 26/08/2025 14:15

“I wanted my brother to have a nice birthday” by doing something I wanted to do even when I knew he didn’t.

“He can be a bit unsociable at times so needs to be encouraged to come to events and stuff”. No he doesn’t. He likes being unsociable in the same way that you like being sociable. He doesn’t need to be encouraged to attend events. He is happy not doing this.

“Even if I did the wrong thing I don't think I was selfish”. But you did do the wrong thing - you went against his wishes - and you were selfish, because you picked something you wanted to do even though you absolutely knew that’s not how he wanted to spend his birthday. If he’d said to you, “I’ve organized a bike ride round the Isle of Wight” for our 40th, or a trip to see The Pope, or volunteer at a food bank, or clean a beach, or something that you hated, what would you say? Your brother is an introvert. Treat him how he wants to be treated, not how you want to be treated.

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This is why I hate people coming to see me on my actual birthday, because it's never to do something I want to do. So my real celebration is usually on my next day off.

InterIgnis · 26/08/2025 15:02

HevenlyMeS · 26/08/2025 14:45

I'm so sorry you experienced this
Please don't feel embarrassed because it was just your twin being a bit more seemingly introvert than your lovely self which it seems caused him to refuse attending
Yes of course it's still disappointing especially when previous experience showed you he can say he doesn't wish for a party but then attend regardless
Yes I completely comprehend you're unique individuals despite being Twins but something so precious & special's your Beloved Birthdays which of course you both share
No not in any way shape or form do I feel it's selfish of you to wish to share such important Milestone with your Beloved Twin
But please don't take it personally, he's seemingly not's outgoing as your lovely self
Please don't take to heart this so called friend
It's none of her business and she should keep her nose out of You&Your Beloved Twin's personal circumstances
Wishing You&Yours All The Utmost Very Best

Of course she was selfish, no matter how much ‘I was trying to be nice and kind!’ spin she wants to put on it. It’s one thing to want something, it’s totally another to try and force it on someone who doesn’t want that. On that note, it’s very convenient that ‘the right thing’ for someone else happens to perfectly align with what she wants.

’So precious and special’ is in the eye of the beholder, and her brother isn’t obliged to consider their sibling relationship in that way because she does.

Op has form for this, and her friend was absolutely justified in pointing out this pattern of behavior. If OP doesn’t take note, and unfortunately she didn’t last time a friend confronted her about being self absorbed, she’s going to find herself being increasingly alienated. As she keeps finding out, people don’t have to, and won’t, put up with this bullshit.

TheLovelinessOfDemons · 26/08/2025 14:57

You can have a party just for yourself, you're adults, you don't always have to have parties together. I know a few sets of twins and they give each other a card and a present and that's it.

Happyflower12345 · 26/08/2025 14:54

"I don't see why I shouldn't have one just because my brother doesn't want one." That comes across as selfish, entitled and 'me, me, me'. You absolutely can have a party. What's not ok is completely disregarding what your brother wants for himself just because you want one. You should have just organised a party and accepted some people might think it's odd that your brothers not there.

HevenlyMeS · 26/08/2025 14:45

I'm so sorry you experienced this
Please don't feel embarrassed because it was just your twin being a bit more seemingly introvert than your lovely self which it seems caused him to refuse attending
Yes of course it's still disappointing especially when previous experience showed you he can say he doesn't wish for a party but then attend regardless
Yes I completely comprehend you're unique individuals despite being Twins but something so precious & special's your Beloved Birthdays which of course you both share
No not in any way shape or form do I feel it's selfish of you to wish to share such important Milestone with your Beloved Twin
But please don't take it personally, he's seemingly not's outgoing as your lovely self
Please don't take to heart this so called friend
It's none of her business and she should keep her nose out of You&Your Beloved Twin's personal circumstances
Wishing You&Yours All The Utmost Very Best

Katievic82 · 26/08/2025 14:23

I would also add that maybe your twin is more introverted than you and doesn't like being centre of attention. He perhaps struggles more in social situations.

MayaPinion · 26/08/2025 14:15

loonyloo · 25/08/2025 22:18

I think you're all being a bit harsh on me. I didn't expect everyone to agree but hardly anyone is seeing this from my point of view. I wanted my brother to have a nice birthday. He can be a bit unsociable at times so needs to be encouraged to come to events and stuff but he always enjoys himself once he's there. I thought it'd be like his 21st where he ended up enjoying it.

Even if I did the wrong thing I don't think I was selfish and I think my friend was really horrible about it.

“I wanted my brother to have a nice birthday” by doing something I wanted to do even when I knew he didn’t.

“He can be a bit unsociable at times so needs to be encouraged to come to events and stuff”. No he doesn’t. He likes being unsociable in the same way that you like being sociable. He doesn’t need to be encouraged to attend events. He is happy not doing this.

“Even if I did the wrong thing I don't think I was selfish”. But you did do the wrong thing - you went against his wishes - and you were selfish, because you picked something you wanted to do even though you absolutely knew that’s not how he wanted to spend his birthday. If he’d said to you, “I’ve organized a bike ride round the Isle of Wight” for our 40th, or a trip to see The Pope, or volunteer at a food bank, or clean a beach, or something that you hated, what would you say? Your brother is an introvert. Treat him how he wants to be treated, not how you want to be treated.

Alliod40 · 26/08/2025 14:15

Sorry what ??? Your friend has definitely told you some home truths thankfully and let's hope you listen.. if you still have family and friends left by the time you're 50 do not have a party with your brother 💯

Katievic82 · 26/08/2025 14:14

Your brother said he didn't want a party so why force him? You knew that and said it was for him too regardless of what you knew he said. You could have just made the party for yourself and explained that your brother didn't want to make a big deal. You put pressure and expectations on him when he clearly said he didn't want a party and wouldn't come. I don't know you but if your friend said you make everything about yourself maybe you need to reflect. I feel I have to agree with your friend regarding the party. You should have respected his wishes.

Douchey · 26/08/2025 14:13

loonyloo · 25/08/2025 20:31

I've just had an argument with my lifelong friend about this.

I have a twin brother. We turned 40 a couple of weeks ago. I wanted a big party as it's a big milestone. I don't think that's unusual. I told my brother a few months ago that I wanted the party. He said that he didn't want a big fuss and wouldn't come.

I went ahead and organised one. His wife knew and said he'd come. The party came and he didn't show up. I'd assumed he would despite what he'd said. I was really embarrassed in front of all our extended family and friends and upset that he'd let me down. I really thought he'd come. He'd said he hadn't wanted a 21st either but I did, so my mum organised a big party for us. He was a bit grumpy about it, but he did come and enjoyed himself in the end.

I'd told my friend how upset I was about it but she didn't say very much. She can be like that though, she's a bit unfeeling. I saw her on Friday and we ended up having a disagreement about something else that escalated and the subject of the party came up. She said that I was in the wrong for throwing a party for me and my brother. She said if I wanted a party I should've thrown one for myself and not told everyone it was for both of us. She said it was an example of me "always, always having to have things your own fucking way" and that I was selfish.

I'm really upset. I don't think it's selfish of me to want to have a party and I don't see why I shouldn't have one just because my brother doesn't want one. I can't have one just for myself, everyone knows we're twins and it would look weird for me to have a birthday party without him. My friend was really rude today and needs to watch her temper. I'm a really kind person and I think it's not too much to ask for others to put themselves out for me sometimes, but I've been thinking about what my friend said and now I'm worried other people think I was selfish about the party.

Your friend needs to 'watch her temper'... is that a boundary for you? Much like your brothers boundary that you walked all over? Huh, ok.

Lilsami · 26/08/2025 14:12

loonyloo · 25/08/2025 20:31

I've just had an argument with my lifelong friend about this.

I have a twin brother. We turned 40 a couple of weeks ago. I wanted a big party as it's a big milestone. I don't think that's unusual. I told my brother a few months ago that I wanted the party. He said that he didn't want a big fuss and wouldn't come.

I went ahead and organised one. His wife knew and said he'd come. The party came and he didn't show up. I'd assumed he would despite what he'd said. I was really embarrassed in front of all our extended family and friends and upset that he'd let me down. I really thought he'd come. He'd said he hadn't wanted a 21st either but I did, so my mum organised a big party for us. He was a bit grumpy about it, but he did come and enjoyed himself in the end.

I'd told my friend how upset I was about it but she didn't say very much. She can be like that though, she's a bit unfeeling. I saw her on Friday and we ended up having a disagreement about something else that escalated and the subject of the party came up. She said that I was in the wrong for throwing a party for me and my brother. She said if I wanted a party I should've thrown one for myself and not told everyone it was for both of us. She said it was an example of me "always, always having to have things your own fucking way" and that I was selfish.

I'm really upset. I don't think it's selfish of me to want to have a party and I don't see why I shouldn't have one just because my brother doesn't want one. I can't have one just for myself, everyone knows we're twins and it would look weird for me to have a birthday party without him. My friend was really rude today and needs to watch her temper. I'm a really kind person and I think it's not too much to ask for others to put themselves out for me sometimes, but I've been thinking about what my friend said and now I'm worried other people think I was selfish about the party.

Sorry but you are in the wrong. YOU wanted a party so should have thrown it for yourself not for someone who literally told you get didn't want a fuss. Don't ignore other people's feeling try listening and you won't loose friends and family over it

momtoboys · 26/08/2025 14:08

loonyloo · 25/08/2025 22:20

Actually I invited quite a lot of his friends too. That's why I was so embarrassed, they were there for him, not me and he didn't bother to show up. I went to a lot of effort for the party

Show quote history

But he told you he didn't want a party!

Robbie82 · 26/08/2025 14:08

Your friend has a point on this. Your brother has every right to celebrate his birthday how he wants and not the way you want.

VickyEadieofThigh · 26/08/2025 14:06

Doyouthinktheyknow · 25/08/2025 20:39

Your friend has called this one right, you were very unreasonable not to listen to your dbro.

Of course you could have had a party for yourself if you wanted, that’s your choice! Your dbro has the right to make his own decision too! Lots of people would hate a birthday party as an adult, DH and I are both in that camp.

Absolutely correct. I hate a fuss, I hate being the centre of attention and I hate large gatherings. Anyone in my family who ignored me saying I did not want a party would be entirely and utterly unreasonable and I wouldn't fucking go.

Maddy70 · 26/08/2025 13:52

He didnt let you down , you let him down but organising a party for him that he told you he didn't want!

Absolutely arrange your own big party for you if that's what you want but you're bang out of order to demand his presence

HelpMeUnpickThis · 26/08/2025 13:49

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 26/08/2025 13:21

You have forgotten the third, most sensible option, @User5432154321 - @loonyloo has the family party she wants, and enjoys herself, and if anyone asks why her brother isn’t there, she says “He didn’t want a big party, so he is celebrating another way”. Being a twin doesn’t mean she is right about what her twin wants or needs, or that she has the right to steamroll him into doing what she wants, regardless of how uncomfortable this makes him. Being a twin doesn’t give you the right to force your choices on your twin.

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@User5432154321

Fear Obligation and Guilt is totally unhealthy.

The twin DB said BEFORE arrangements were made that he did not want to celebrate that way. Why are you advocating one person's preference over another? Is he not entitled to celebrate how he wishes to?

He is also married - perhaps his wife had made arrangements for the 40th celebrations? My husband organised my 40th - NOT my sisters, and we are close. I would have thought that is normal.

NO ONE on this thread has said that @loonyloo should not have the party that she wanted. But to impose that on another, separate individual who has his own needs and wants is really controlling and overbearing and manipulative by then saying "all the relatives ....blah blah". It's really manipulative. DB said from the get go he didnt want any part of it.

Why should he be the one to have a birthday that doesn't work for him?

Twins are actually individual people you know. The circumstances of their birth don't negate that.

Are you a twin? If you are, are you a domineering twin?

Your post is weird. Your focus is on "oh the friends and family" not the actual human being (DB) whose birthday it also was. To quote you - your view is "f*cking weird. Siblings shouldn't bulldoze each other like this - it's not healthy. Twins or not.

Nothingoriginalhere · 26/08/2025 13:24

As a twin ( identical,extremely close although live 2hr drive apart) you were wrong!
My twin and I have had many separate birthday parties and if one of us said no - the other would organise for themselves only.
We can be close twins but also separate individuals.
For our 40th all I wanted was a child free weekend with my husband, my twin wanted a party - we both got what we wanted without upsetting the other.I'd hate to be your twin and have my wishes ignored.

BlueandPinkSwan · 26/08/2025 13:22

TheGrimSqueakersFlea · 25/08/2025 20:40

Your friend is right. You got your joint 21st party and now you're stamping your feet because you didn't get your way for the 40th. Leave your brother alone

This 100% and poll seems to agree.

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