Feeling uncomfortable about DP’s comments to his son

@DeepCy absolutely well done to your dss for actually getting a gig!!! that in itself is no mean feat! he must be a good musician. i, looking at this through the a similar side, am thinking of my grandaughter. lost her mum, became really depressed, started teaching herself guitar and now is one of the best in the school, and she didnt start till 14.5 years old, she also is 17 just yesterday. we are wary of what we say due to the depression she suffered. there is a chance that your dss also suffered a bit of depression and dp absolutely needs to take that into account when and how he speaks to dss 17!! being dumped by a girlfriend when he is still vulnerable is definitely not what he needed. you dp needs to remember that he himself moved on because it is easy for men to get another partner. the dss will never be able to get a new mother. nothing can ever replace her.

Ugh, ugh, ugh - just NO.

With the stepson banter, I'd banter back. 'That's where you are wrong, mate. A man's sex appeal rockets as soon as he gets on stage with a guitar. Especially if he's as talented as your son.' Or just smile at DSS when his father says things like this and say, ' That's just one opinion. He may be your dad but it doesn't mean he is right.'

I literally told DS the exact opposite of what your idiot man is telling his son. He was shy but very good at guitar. When he confided he thought he would never get a girlfriend I said, join a band. A man on stage playing guitar as well as you do always gets attention from women.' He did and it worked.

You could also have a gentle word with your partner and say you can see he's trying to give good advice but his son is a different personality type and he will appeal to girls who live the soulful, sensitive type, so lay off teasing as it is undermining him not toughening him up.

But I would be unable to raise a child with this man. He sounds like a sexist dinosaur from 1970s.

Also I am curious. Aside from the man being a dickhead to his older children, why would the op be silly have a baby with someone with older children? For that very reason alone.

What a dickhead. Sorry. He is. Your stepson sounds AMAZING.

Oh he is awful. I so sorry you’ve discovered this now. Personally, I couldn’t live with such an ignorant pig, it would disgust me. I hope you find your best way forwards.

Agree.
This is who he really is.
NOT father material.

So now that you know full well what he is really like, and if you go ahead and have the baby despite knowing this - you do know that it will be your own fault that you end up stuck with this vile man.
also you would be very stupid to have the baby with someone who has already grown children. No sane person would start all over again when you have kids those ages.

so now that you are fully aware of the situation it’s your choice and consequences to bear

Your partner is horrible. I can't believe his neanderthal views about women and relationships given that he is a secondary school teacher. Your 19 year old DSS sounds lovely. After losing his mum at the age of 13, I would have expected his father to show more kindness and sensitivity.

I feel torn about whether you should leave your DP due to his awful views about women, or whether you should try and make it work for the sake of his children who need someone with decent values and kindness in their lives.

That's the first thing I thought of too when I read the OP. I'd find this deeply unattractive in a man.

If you're seriously considering leaving him I'm actually not sure I'd tell the DSS that's the reason, as he's a sensitive lad this could lead him to blame himself.

As for the baby, would you be willing to raise it on your own? I can't imagine your DH would be too involved but maybe I'm wrong. He'd still be in your life to some extent for the next 20 years.

Two things. One is that I would never have a baby with someone like this. His attitude to women is absolutely shocking and if you think that won't affect you long-term then you are being very foolish indeed. The second is that I would speak to the 17 year-old boy and tell him frankly that his dad is talking out of his arse. I would tell him that musicians are more successful with girls than probably any other group of people. I would tell him to really work on his creativity and stop telling his dad what he's doing. I would say to him that for every creative person there is someone trying to stop him and he needs to be aware that some things need to be kept from his dad in order for him to flourish himself. He sounds like a really lovely boy and I can tell you that when I was that age I would've thought he was amazing.

He's an idiot as well as a misogynist. Of course musicians famously struggle to attract girlfriends. And nobody 'mans up' because a bully tells them to.

You need to tell him that his behaviour and language are deeply unattractive. You don't need to criticise his parenting, just his arrogance in thinking he knows better than you what women think. He's never been a 17 year old girl and I doubt many are confiding in him.

You should also let your DSS know how much you admire his talent and courage in performing in public.

I don't know how you should proceed with regards to the pregnancy. This man is a poor parent to both his son and daughter.

I wouldn’t want to have sex with this man after hearing him say these things, but maybe that’s just me.

Do you want a man like that parenting your child? A child that could be sensitive or quiet? A child that could be gay? Do you actually want to subject a child to this kind of parenting?

He sounds disgusting. I wouldn’t want him teaching my child never mind having a child with him.

I feel sorry for his son, let him know what his dad says is not true.

OP do you think that he might be concerned that his son is gay? It seems odd that he talks about sex to his son in such a crude and unpleasant way and yet is overprotective of his daughter.
Maybe there’s some homophobia here.
You are in a difficult position but I would talk to the boy to at least tell him that his music is good. And then I would consider binging up your baby on your own.

Yes, women famously find musicians repulsive.

What a misogynistic twat. His precious little princess needs to stay away from men cause they are all fuckboys. But telling his son to be one.

Talk to the boy. He shouldn't be doing anything just so he can get girls. He needs to know he should do things that make him happy, for him. He doesn't need to change. And girls love nice boys and musicians and his dad is talking out of his ass.

I would have a sit down with him. Is thia how he really thinks? Does he really think you and his daughter don't deserve respect and needs to be treated "mean"? Did he just go out to fuck other women when his wife died? Does he consider himself the type of guy he is telling his son? Does everything on life revolve around getting girls and getting laid? Dad being obsessed with his sons sex life is just gross. If he tries to say banter, make him understand that this is a real conversation. If he cant have a relationship conversation or he truly holds those values, then you know what you're getting yourself into.

Please talk to the kid and tell him how you admire his work and how impressive he is etc. Whatever happens with DP I think words of reassurance from an adult are needed sometimes. Was it his Mum that died? I wasn't sure. If so then I'd be even more vocal as this kid has only one parent and really needs an alternative perspective.

So you're in a relationship with a knuckle dragging neanderthal...

This!

That is awful. He resents DS2 for not being the child he wanted.
Sensitive children need a soft tongue.

What a weirdo. He’s sex obsessed but also obsessed with his son’s sex life…bizarre. Have you not shut him down with ‘that’s not relevant’, ‘what a thing to say- what makes you think that?’, he was playing his songs, not trying to get laid’ comments? I’d be challenging him every single time, for his son’s sake and also to hopefully open his own eyes about what a weirdo he’s being with all these sex quips. What is wrong with him :/

🤣 at the notion that 'writing songs doesn't get you laid'.

I think the opposite is true.

I agree.

talk to 'DSS' tell him his Dad is wrong, he's perfect as he is & won't attract the right kind of girl, pretending to be something he's not. He doesn't need to 'treat em mean' or toughen up

then ditch the twat!!

then decide what to do about the pregnancy. Sensibly you'd have a termination & not subject another child to his 'parenting! Or tie yourself to this bellend for at least the next 20 years! You have time to meet someone else to have a family with!

Most people wouldn't even want him teaching their kids, let alone fathering them.

You seem far too intelligent & kind to be even giving this man a chance.