Feeling uncomfortable about DP’s comments to his son

Would you feel you're in a position to raise the baby alone op?

I think for me, I'd be really turned off by the things he's said and it would definitely make me question the relationship let alone if he's someone I could co parent with. I think you need to consider the fact that unless he is genuinely open to learning and educating himself you'll always be in a position where you're undermining each other - you undermining him by trying to give his children and your potential future child positive messages, and him undermining you by promoting harmful and misogynistic ideals.

A year when you've been moving slowly also really isn't very long in the grand scheme of things and I'd really worry that this is the ugly side to him starting to come out and that he's been on best behaviour around you before now. So the question that creates is if this is actually just the tip of the iceberg and what lies beneath that you could be committing yourself to.

I think it's incredibly sad firstly that he holds such misogynistic and closed minded views himself, but moreso that in his attempt to parent he's actually taking on the role of being his child's first bully because he has such a narrow view of masculinity and sees girls/ women as a stereotypical monolith.

I think you need to make a very careful decision here op and think about what you want for the next 18 years of your life.

At least you know what he’ll be doing when you dump him.

Thats disgusting. Apart from the sexist part of his views, telling his son that he needs to be different (and more like him / his brother) for people to like him is going to make his son less confident not more. A horrible thing for a parent to say. Since when did telling someone to change their personality 'toughen them up'. Also the hypocrisy of trying to turn his son into someone who he wouldn't let his daughter date...shows his views are hugely misogynistic.

Jeez that poor boy. My dd is at uni and she is friends with loads of sensitive boys - the girls (well her and her friends) love lads like that!

I wish you’d show your partner this thread. It might benefit him to know that most women would regard his views as incorrect, misogynistic and that he is an insufferable cunt and a terrible father.

I really haven't seen comments saying that the son is gay. But that the dad might be concerned that the son son is gay. Which does add up, why else would he be so concerned about freienzoned and being confused with gay best friend? We can safely assume that on top of being misogynistic and sexist, he is also homophonic.

He's not going to change, he's revealing who he really is.

Definitely talk to DSS and tell him his Dad's opinion is just one opinion. I married a massive rugby playing chap who is as soft as a marshmallow feelings wise, he is lovely, plays guitar, sings to me, leaves love notes in the fridge for me to find. He is kind, loving and generous. We have been married 26 years. No women do not want bad boys, they hurt you, scar you, mess up your self esteem. We want reliable, thoughtful chaps. That James Blunt seems to have done alright for himself, Ed Sheeran the same.

Please talk to him.

He sounds horrible and I would think twice about having his child.

I think you need to separate out the issues and then tackle them in this order.

His comments on male:female relationships are toxic and really show him up to be a sexist pig. Sit him down and talk to him and try get him to understand that it is totally warped that he is encouraging his son to have superficial relationships with girls and treat them as disposable objects, whilst then telling his daughter men only want sex and she needs to be treated well. I’d also tell him that it’s totally off putting as his gf - it is toxic masculinity. If he can’t see his behaviour is wrong here and not open to change I’m not sure why you’d want to be with him.

The issue of the son needing more support is tricky as it’s his son. But I think if he could change his toxic masculinity around son then that would be a massive shift. But you don’t have any control here. But this behaviour would massively put me off him. What are your bfs good points?

Being pregnant is totally separate issue. If your bf cannot change his behaviour from that of total sexist pig then you have to decide if you are happy to likely end up a solo parent. Even if you decide to stay with him right now I do think you’ll end up resenting him and the relationship ship will flounder. With such out dated views I can’t see how he’s going to be pulling his weight as a hands on dad to baby - surely that’ll be woman’s work. And as your child gets older it’ll be subject to the dad and younger son’s toxic masculinity.

The posters who have jumped from ‘DSS is sensitive’ to ‘DSS might be gay’ are not being any more evolved than the Dad IMO. Straight teenage boys can be sensitive, and gay ones won’t necessarily be! The OP hasn’t said anything about him seeming interested in blokes so there are a lot of stereotypes being applied here.

OP have you tried talking to your partner about where he’s getting these attitudes? Was this stuff that was said to him as a teenager, maybe by his own father? I’d definitely be pointing out, to both of them, that you know more about women’s perspectives than he does and you think he’s talking complete bullshit.

Have you asked him how on earth he squares his attitude to his daughter with what he tells his son?

What a prick he is! I would argue back with him in front of DSS every single time. He should be proud of his son!

But mostly I would dump him.

Well aside from being a terrible father, and a sexist pig, he's stupid too - writing songs gets loads of men laid who otherwise wouldn't be so lucky! Just ask Lewis Capaldi, or Chris Martin, or Ed Sheeran...

Are you dating Andrew Tate? He sounds awful.

Sounds like a right prick

I was just about to write the same
I think the father along with being an absolute tosser is showing some homophobic tendencies

i feel sorry for you OP if you have this baby you better hope they are perfect.
no disabilities
no being on the spectrum
definitely not gay / trans

they would either have to be a tough and tumble boy
or a perfect princess's

you have seen what he’s like to his kids
Im not sure why you want a baby with him

So all this behaviour from your partner is just surfacing now, just around the same time as you find out your pregnant?

Your p has very odd and contradictory views about men and women, and for that alone I’d be seriously reconsidering the relationship. He’s a sexist, misogynistic twat. And the way he’s describing men? That’s clearly how HE thinks about women!

Have you asked him to explain his illogical views?

The way he spoke to his son was awful too - so disrespectful and disappointing, totally ignoring his son’s achievements. Truly crap parenting.

How do you feel about being pregnant and being tied to this man for the next 18+ years? I’d be running a mile.

Think long and hard about having him in your life for 20 years.
Do you really want to parent alone?
Don't go ahead with a pregnancy with a twat like this.
Better to move forward, he's not a good 'un.

His precious little princess needs to stay away from men cause they are all fuckboys. But telling his son to be one.

Have you pointed out this lack of logic to him @DeepCy ?

This man is a disgusting, open misogynist. And you’re just…sitting there? How can you be in a relationship with someone like this? What has happened in your life to make you think this is an acceptable partner?

You can’t stop him saying or thinking those things, but you can stop sitting there acting submissive while he does it, then carrying on dating him and even having a child with him. His poor son is being crushed by that constant drip of grotesque nastiness, and your baby will grow up hearing the same poison. You don’t have to fix him, but you do have to see how awful this is and remove yourself. Pretending it’s just something you’ve ‘tried’ to change while still building a life with him is lazy wilful blindness.

He’s sexist, not a great dad and lukewarm about the prospect of having another child.

The most important decision you can make on behalf of your child is the father you choose for them.

You need to really weigh up your options when it comes to this pregnancy. He’s not a good prospect as a partner or as a father.

You sound lovely. So does his son. The bloke on the other hand sounds like a sexist pig and I feel so sorry for his kids.

Oh dear what a mess.

I think you need to focus on what to do about this pregnancy.

I suppose from your p’s point of view, he’s been with at least two women even though he’s expressing views like that. Would make me want to walk away but clearly he must have some good qualities. I can’t really imagine what they would be though.

I really feel for your DSS but all you can do is just present an alternative view of life. He’s not yours to parent.

I’m going to say something controversial - I don’t think that just because the views he expressed when talking to his teenage son are obviously simplistic and outdated he’s a bad guy, you will know much better what sort of person he really is by how he has generally treated you and his kids and you seem pretty sensible so my guess is it’s not that consistent with this stuff. I do think some people, men in particular, can see the interactions between genders at this sort of age in a very basic way and yet have much more emotionally mature approaches to relationships between adults. I’ve certainly been guilty of the “all teenage boys are a bit rubbish and gross” generalisation and I still remember telling my teenage younger brother that to an extent getting girls to date him was a numbers game - if you don’t ask you don’t get - which obviously isn’t great advice when your older looking for a genuine partnership but when your a teenage just exploring things might not be bad advice. I’d have a decent talk with him and just raise your concerns about the messaging he is giving both kids not just for now but also for their later relationships in a nice non confrontational way and see what his responses tell you about what he wants as a life for his kids etc.