Friendship ended after 20 years

She’s being ridiculous, over sensitive and presents herself as lacking in emotional intelligence.
Prioritise your son. Sometimes it takes a crisis to learn who your real friends are.

OP she’s an utter grief vulture and you’re better off without her. Honestly, how dare she!
I am so so sorry to hear about your son, I just can’t imagine how you’re feeling. I am currently living with an early form of breast cancer - very treatable and yet the shock and stress of it keeps me awake at night. My head is all over the place and I’ve similarly used social media to share updates - it’s so, so much easier than sending long individual texts to people.
When friends have messaged me directly about it I will respond but when I have the headspace to do so, and they’ve all been completely fine with this too, even saying in messages ‘don’t feel you need to reply to this’ etc etc.
I’m dumbfounded by your friends messages and I hope you’re not feeling bad / guilty as you’re doing nothing wrong at all!

Those 9% would be thinking the most unbelievably stupid reasons just to be contrary.

Don't overthink this. She's a narc bitch without any sense of empathy or a minimum of understanding what you're going through.

I'm so sorry about your son, it's the nightmare no parent want ever to deal with. Keeping my fingers crossed he'll continue to do well.

I can understand that she feels hurt that you aren't turning to her, like she's not in the inner circle... but she needs to suck it up! Strap on the grown up big girl panties etc.

I can absolutely see how just updating everyone with SM posts, which you can post when you feel like and check the comments later when you feel like it, is significantly less draining than messaging someone where theres then an expectation of a conversation, that you may not have the mental room for in that moment.

YANBU, and she's a twat.

I clicked YABU in error. Sorry!🙈

Leave her to it. What a selfish dick she is. Sometimes, situations arise in life & they help clear out the shit friends for us.

Take care & all the best with everything x

I would also let your dm know and keep her updated

Oh my gosh, that’s a cold approach from her. How can some people make everything about them .. I guess you didn’t see this side of her before but now you have but that is an epic level of “what about me “.

‘A twisted self absorbed cretin who’s jealous that she can’t be updated before everyone else to feed her own sense of importance.’

This absolutely nails it. What a horrible person.

I’m so sorry your son is ill OP, and I hope the treatment works well.

It does sound like you've been bf because your dm's are. You dont understand her pount of view because its so selfish and unlike an expexted response. Don't dwell on it.

Even sending the message is weird. You dont answer to her. Assume you have someone to talk to to as part of the treatment for your son? Mention it, because it's eating away at you as a distraction you can ill afford.

Presumably your dm knows about the text, or the gist of it? Any hint of helping you make up or ' smoothing things over' should be met with short shrift.

Best wishes to you all

I can only imagine people voting yabu have either done it by mistake or think you're being unreasonable for caring about the loss of this friendship seeing as the friend is so awful.

It's unbelievable the way she is trying to emotionally manipulate you at a time like this. She's trying to pressure you into reassuring her of your friendship, like she wants you to chase her. Fuck no, absolutely not, you don't need a further drain on you like this.

One of my best friends is my mum’s friend’s daughter. If anything like that came up I’d show my mum or her mum so they could keep her away.

Don’t forget that some people click on the wrong button and don’t realise it, some click the wrong button and don’t realise they can correct it, and also this is the internet so some people just vote a certain way because they feel like being a prat.

I’m not saying that no one genuinely thinks yabu, but don’t overthink the voting.

May be that they disagree with the posting of your son/sharing of his medical information online especially on TikTok which anyone can see, during what is a really tough time for him (not discounting its hard for you too). I don’t think anyone agrees with your awful ex friend. She is unhinged.

I am so sorry your baby is having to deal with this.

I’ll just say right at the start OP that I don’t think you’re being unreasonable. Not at all.

However, I suspect it’s the social media that’s the main issue.

My situation bears no resemblance to yours at all but for various reasons, I struggle to keep up with messaging at times. There are times when I want to share something on social media but I don’t because I’m aware that I haven’t yet replied to a friend and they might see the post and potentially be upset.

For clarity, the messages aren’t urgent, they’re just very long, chatty messages that require the same type of response - and sometimes I just don’t have that in me. In contrast, posting on social media is quick and detached, you don’t need to put any emotional investment into it.

I’ve found people fall into different camps. Some people always manage to message, no matter what. They’re very much of the belief that “a text only takes 30 seconds to send.” Then there’s the second camp of people who sometimes find the constant demands/expectations of messaging overwhelming, and can’t always summon up the emotional energy to “just send a message”. When life is tough, this second group of people tend to retreat and don’t seek out personal connections from their wider circle of friends.

People in the first group don’t tend to see the viewpoint of people in the second group. They resolutely believe that if you have time to post on social media then you had time to send them a “quick message”.

My good friends all fall into group 2. Sometimes they are slow to message me too but they might share a petition online or upload a photo. I understand that the mental space needed to text and message is very different to what’s needed to post on social media. We are all very forgiving of each other’s difficulties with communication but equally we know that if something was needed, we’d be there in a flash.

I have a few more casual friends in group 1. They are the reason I would hesitate to post something online, because I know they’d feel annoyed if I’d “prioritised” posting on social media above replying to them.

I think your friend falls into group 1. But I think it’s more than that - she wants to be part of the drama and she wants insider gossip so she has bragging rights. Just look at how she’s pointed out the fact she gave you money/gifts. It’s all about her and getting what she thinks is appropriate praise, and being included. She’s miffed because you haven’t made her feel special. Posting on social media without messaging her separately when she’s Done So Much to support you is your “crime” here I’d suspect.

I don’t think you should let her suck up your valuable emotional energy right now. It’s unbelievable that she’d send you a message like that. Truly, truly unbelievable. Do you care about the friendship or can you let it go?

I hope treatment goes well for your beautiful boy 💐

Which idiots on here think the op is being unreasonable?

Can only think it's a mistake - otherwise it's people like your so called friend that like to be at the centre of other people's misfortunes.

OP count yourself lucky you found out her true colours and I really hope your son recovers. My thoughts are with you. X

She really is something else

If she feels this strongly she should have just kept her radio silence, got her updates from her mum and faded away. Either with or without the hope that you'd reach out to her when things calmed down. She didn't need to make herself front and centre.

The other thing is, even if you were being out of order (which you're not) then there is a time and place to bring it up, and this isn't it.

If she never experienced cancer happening to a close family member and that family member was reliant on her she won't understand that you need to do what suits you and your child at this time. My goodness July is only weeks ago. People can be 3 types of supporter in a cancer diagnosis 1. Some sit or relish in the drama of being the first to know latest details ( and are damn all use at hands on help) or 2.some recognise you need so much family time to process they say "let me know what we can do" 3. Some are good hands on help and don't intervene in the process of you coming to terms with it....they may helpfully listen. ( sometimes unsung hero's or facilitators). So you need to do what helps you and your family unit. She may have little other drama in her life so she needs to learn it's not about her needs.

God, talk about the most inappropriate medical situation to make all about herself!!! Does she have form for doing this? (Getting dramatic at birthdays, weddings, baby showers and making it about her?) Sounds like she is utterly devoid of empathy.

I agree with this. You are better off without this appalling person in your life @Okfig

People have become so self centred but this one is a walking cliche'.

I have had a very stark life lesson recently as to who is there for me and who most def is not and it's been nothing of the magnitude of what you have on your plate.

Your replies are very classy.

As a PP said, the trash has taken itself out.

I hope for all good things for your DS.

I'm so sorry you're going through so much right now. I am praying for your son's speedy and full recovery.

This person sounds strange. I'm left wondering what her personality is like usually.

If I had the energy I’d be telling your other close friends and your mum about her batshit crazy behaviour and keep her firmly out of the loop.

She’s behaving beyond awfully. Has she always been like this?

Wow. Drop her like a brick.

Somehow she feels like the injured party. But fuck me this is not aboy her feelings.. I'm so sorry you are dealing with this on top of everything else

She's horrible. My son had cancer as a teenager. He made a full recovery and that was 7 years ago. I hope the same for your son.

They can’t!

OP is unjustifiable.

Just don’t even give it headspace, you’ve enough going on.

I hope your DS continues to do well. .

I'm so sorry @Okfig. You really don't need this rubbish at the moment.

There's no need to see anything from your "friend's" point of view. Focus on your son, husband and yourself. That's all you need to do right now.

I'm sending you all so much love. ❤🌻xxx