Friendship ended after 20 years

Clearly, she's vile and ridiculous. That's a given. But, and it is the teeniest, tiniest 'but', I am not a social media user and would find the sharing of this kind of information via this medium a bit 'off'. I have some good friends but only a small few that I would want or need to be giving ongoing updates to. This I could do myself or 'assign ' someone to do. Maybe people like me - whose attitude you may feel free to disagree with - are the people who pressed the YABU button? I didn't BTW..

I’m so sorry about your soon and hope for a good recovery, what you are going through is very difficult and emotional. Where to even begin on your ‘friend’. So awful the way she has treated you and made this about herself- I wouldn’t have even replied to her message. Make sure your mum tells her mum exactly how she’s treated you and nothing else, I bet her mum will feel ashamed. Don’t dwell too much on it OP if you can, your focus is on your son only

Jesus!

I'm sorry but you are well rid. That is toxic. what is with all the 'your son' ???

Dreadful behaviour. Who needs enemies with friends like that?

Think it would do her good to read this thread

I am so sorry for what you are going through OP

I think sometimes people get confused with the buttons.

Im sure your friend wouldn’t see the story like this, not because it’s not true, but because in her world she truly is the centre of everything and she just cannot see that it’s possible for her to be a support (act) in this part of our life rather than a main character. She is the definition of selfish that even when it’s been explained to her she can’t see.

i imagine it went something like this … people ask her what’s going on and she only knows as much as they do… so she has to find some more drama to be the centre of … what a cow.

I’m guessing the people saying you are unreasonable are querying your social media use rather than saying the friend is being reasonable?

My DD was diagnosed 26 years ago, before social media etc. I remember trying and failing to find a pay phone to tell my parents. Basically DH and I were on our own and we coped as best we could. Updating friends and family was pointless really, what could they do? I’ve no idea if I would have used social media. I doubt it as my headspace was too full.

Forget her OP, it doesn’t matter. All that matters is your darling son, and any siblings he has. I wish you all the luck and the love in the world

I will give my opinion, for what it’s worth, and maybe play devil’s advocate a little.
If I had anything big & stressful going on in my life I have a couple of friends who I know would support me 100%. It would be them who I reached out to, I definitely wouldn’t be posting stuff online. I’m wondering if you are doing stuff online to raise awareness of your son’s condition in the hope of maybe helping another family in a similar situation, or do you have some fundraising happening?
SM would be the last thing on my mind if my child was sick, I feel like there’s more to this than you are saying - could you elaborate on why you are sharing online?
I can see why your friend is hurting, maybe sending the message wasn’t the best idea but she clearly thought she would be someone you would turn to for support but in reality you have put her to one side in favour of SM.
Clearly you’re doing what you feel is right, and none of us are in your shoes so really can’t judge on the basis of a post on here. I wish your son well and hope he makes a full recovery.

YANBU however you wanted to try and understand her why... she feels that as your 'best' friend you should be including her/ leaning on her as if she was family/ in your inner circle. Feeling wanted or needed makes her feel secure in your friendship.

You aren't including her in that inner circle and because she's hearing updates about your son at the same time/ in the same depth as other people and she is taking that as a rejection of her as a 'best' friend and because that triggers something in her she is flouncing off, either to avoid feeling the pain of feeling rejected or to try and get your attention/ reassurance.

Fuck me I’ve read some threads on here but that wow. Your son has cancer and instead of being there for him the way a parent should she wants constant updates. Fuck that. I mean if it was my child then yes I’d update my parents, partner and best friend before social media but it wouldn’t be constant. . Has she been to visit, sent a care package , offered to help? Because I know when I had chemo my friend never once left my side when I needed something even if it was a text.

It may be that she's hurt because you aren't leaning on her, and she's told you the problem from the wrong angle. It's not that you are telling everyone at once so much as you aren't crying to her and leaning on her.
It sounds a bit passive aggressive but it also sounds like it comes from a place of deep hurt that she can't be there for you when she wants to be. She mentions often that if you need anything to please ask.

Allow him privacy

So sorry for what you’re gping through

please lay off tik tok. Your baby isnt a social media subject . Allow him lrivo. You dont owe anyone a daily video diary

She's basically having a tantrum because your son battling cancer is getting your attention not her. Awful.

She clearly needs her ego stroking and your attention more than she cares about you or your son. 😡

Saying if son needs anything let me know - maybe what he needs is a mum whose friends have her back and who love and support her unconditionally while she's going through a terrible time?! What does she think he might need that she directly can provide?! Shiny gifts?! 🤦

Friends are meant to give you strength and support, not needy "me me me" tantrums.

I haven't voted but I can understand your friend somehow (even though she should have shut her mouth due to the circumstances).

I think your friend loves you and wants to support you. She feels hurt that you're not leaning on her but instead posting on SM. It makes her feel irrelevant as she's not needed in this difficult time.

Having said that.. the fact that you're going through a major crisis should be the most important matter here- not how "important" friend feels. She's extremely immature and she lacks empathy so just ignore her. You need to be surrounded with love, not with people who feel hurt for not being main characters in your life. 💐

im so sorry to hear what you’re going through with your son. I really hope things go ok. You must be going through absolute hell.

I can’t l imagine anyone thinks you are being unreasonable - sometimes I misunderstand the vote for some reason. Or perhaps they think you’re unreasonable for dedicating any head space to your friend?? There is nothing unreasonable about your post at all. Quite the opposite.

she sounds like she is lacking empathy and I assume has never been through anything like this before and doesn’t have children?? At the very least, not able to empathise.

All the very, very best to you.

2 points at play here: 1. Very selfish individual to not understand your true situation. 2. How she expresses herself! You have lost nothing here but learnt the lesson of not everyone is who you think they are. We only know what people are truly like when there is a unfortunate event at play. Then their true colours emerge. She thinks she is in command. Well, show her who is in command by focussing on your son and relying on your family. Get rid!

It sounds like she is jealous of the social media use and finding out last. She probably wants to let others know your story and look like she is involved hence the money etc. I am sorry your son is poorly. I had a long term friendship end over my child’s needs as my “professional” friend didn’t seem to believe and questioned everything. Life is calmer without toxic people.

What the flippity flappity fuck. I'm so sorry, OP. Sod her, focus on your family and your son, for whom I wish a full and fast recovery x

She’s horrific, you don’t need her in your life. This is a really hard way to find out that she doesn’t have your back but unfortunately you’re in a situation where you do get to find out who your friends are. I’m so sorry, keep doing what you need to do to get through the days.

I suspect they hit the wrong button.

yanbu.

i wouldn’t have said I’d contact her if my son needs anything. She can F off.
She wanted you to reply, so she could say more awful things.

A grown woman being able to make your son’s illness about her!

Please delete her, and do not ask her for anything.

Your 'friend' has zero emotional intelligence and zero empathy. She has shown you her true self.

How the fuck in her brain does she equate that because your DS has cancer then she needs personal updates as a priority?! FFS 😡🤯

I hope your DC is ok and wish them all the best

Oh goodness this is awful.
A similar ISH thing happened to me.
My 1 year old was in hospital for months with a life threatening issue.
A friend messaged me to say that her and my other friends from that social circle were fed up of my depressing chat and felt " I was doggedly determined to make my life as miserable as possible whilst doing nothing to improve it "
I was using our chat group as a release for all the stuff I was dealing with thinking they cared and would understand.
7 years later I don't give them a s come thought .
I hope your little boy makes a good recovery

Don’t try to understand her POV. Trust the majority here. She is cruel and selfish. Never speak to her again and tell your mother not to update her about your son. Some people are vampires. Keep well away.

I'm sorry for what you are going through with your poor son.
When my DS had an accident and was in hospital I just couldn't cope with messaging people. Apart from the fact when I left the hospital it was the early hours of the morning and there was no phone signal in ICU. My head was just focused on getting through the life stuff and getting back to hospital even if then I put the odd thing on FB to update people. I didn't even realise how draining messaging people was but I couldn't physically do it. My dad fell out with me similarly I didn't realise the onus was on me he could have travelled to the hospital and hours journey which he did once in 8 months of my ds being in hospital. Instead he preferred stabbing me in the back with his family. I didn't ignore people intentionally or constantly I was just drained and in shock.
I think your friend is being v unreasonable and unfair.
Good luck with everything you are going through don't let this selfishness drag you down you need positivity.

Firstly everything crossed for your son and you all. You are going through an unimaginably hard time and you need to devote what energy you have to your son, not to individually updating people. Your friend is being totally unreasonable.
Years ago a friend was in the same situation with her son and used Caringbridge to keep everyone updated. It worked really well. All the best to you all

Hi op yes i get that the friend has behaved appallingly and made everything about her which is very tough for you but is this the reason why you haven't reached out to her directly? Has she got form for this? I suppose on the other hand your friend may feel she has been demoted if you are not talking things through with her? If you mean a lot to her then that could be upsetting? But the behaviour was not okay. Sorry you are having to deal with this on top of everything else.