Friendship ended after 20 years

You've done nothing wrong you are working through a v difficult situation. And during this you will find your friends for life and those who aren't. I hope your son's treatment goes well and he makes a full recovery xx

"Your son has cancer. How can I make this about me?"

You are well rid of someone so emotionally immature and self-centred and demanding.

Can’t imagine the shit you’re going through and there’s her with pouty hurt face! Unbelievable. YANBU, obviously. You shouldn’t have to have headspace for her.

I’m really sorry about your wee boy op. Wishing you and him every strength. 💐

Jeez I’m embarrassed on your friend’s behalf op. What an oddly passive aggressive message.

Even if she felt she was justified in feeling a bit hurt and excluded, which btw she isn’t, any normal person in her shoes would think,

“well the best time to end a twenty year friendship is possibly not when my best friend’s son has cancer”

Duh!

She is making it all about her by forcing the issue now. I think your answer was remarkably measured.

I would have answered something like “I understand you were expecting separate updates to you privately but you should believe me when I say I don’t have the energy or bandwidth for that right now and of all the people in the world I thought you would have understood and you would have given me some grace but I was wrong ” and block her.

Anyone with a modicum of intelligence would know that you batten down the hatches in this situation. Your battery is taken up by sleepless nights and worry, You have limited energy for interaction with anyone outside your immediate family. Posting on Facebook or wherever is an easy form of communication which can be achieved in seconds while doing other things and it doesn’t take the same emotional input as engaging with a rl friend, especially a needy one whose feelings you have to tiptoe around.

Very sorry to hear about your son.

She is clearly no friend to you and wants to create some drama and make it all about her.

I had similar when I myself was diagnosed with cancer. These types truly show us who they are in a crisis.

You are well rid.

Think OP is writing that rather than putting her sons name in

I had a friend like this. Past tense.
Sending you strength and good wishes for your son and family.

Sounds to me like she’s jealous and wants attention. She’s expecting you to give her all the information first so she can be all main character to everyone else about how she’s supporting you and she knows more but “can’t say”. If she was a real friend she’d care about your wellbeing more than her own ego.

She absolutely is!! But why was she writing ‘your son’ in quotation marks like that? Weird.

@Okfig I hope your son gets better soon. I’m sorry you are going through this. Sending virtual hugs 💐💕🌈

Yanbu. However, in reading what she wrote to you it really stood out to me that she seems to lack social skills. And it came across to me that, while she does care, she doesn’t know where she stands with you in terms of your friendship and is asking you in a round about way if you still want to be friends with her. I initially thought that she was trying to politely dump you as a friend because she didn’t want to deal with supporting a friend going through a traumatic situation. But, then it seemed more like she was fishing for reassurance.

You’ve known her for 20 years. Has she always been a bit self absorbed and lacking in social awareness?

Most people understand enough to simply offer to be there for you when you need them and then give you space. And most people would understand why it is completely inappropriate to put this kind of pressure on a person dealing with what you’re going through.

Don’t worry about her issues. Just focus on you and your family and do what you need to do to get through this. You don’t have to justify to her or anyone else your actions. If you want to update people via social media instead of individually then that’s what you do. Most reasonable people would understand. 💖

All I can say is fuck me

This woman is an utter tosser

Just ignore her from now till the end of time

I hope your son gets better soon

Only read the OP but bloody hell, what a mish mash of mixed messages and 'me me me' nonsense. Your replies are admirably measured but I wouldn't carry on with them or reach out to her for any further support. I'm sorry to hear about your son and wish you well.

“So let me get this straight. My little boy has cancer and we are going through the worst hell imaginable and you are throwing a tantrum and threatening to end our friendship because I am not updating you personally? You may not like the social media posts but I need to do what is quickest and easiest for me right now as so much is happening and we are in such turmoil and terror. Making this all about you is frankly despicable. Never contact me again.” Aaaand block.

My thoughts, prayers, love and best wishes to you for the swiftest and fullest recovery of your little boy. 💐

I can't believe someone would be so tone deaf as to make a situation like this about them. I'd say you're best off out of the friendship anyway! Hope your all doing as well as you can be in this situation.

Firstly, I am so sorry about your son! Giving you all my best regards and love and strength!

your friend has basically seen this happen and thought “how can I make this about me”. You are well out the friendship. It isn’t a friendship you need. True friends will realise that you need the silence and be there when you reach out. As for the TikTok’s and social media posts, everyone has a different coping mechanism. If this is what you need, don’t take her judgment on it. You need your release in some way too.

honestly, sending you all so much love x

You defintely find out who your friends truely are in a crisis.She isn't one.
Possibly she can't deal with really sad uncomfortable situations, but there is really no excuse because you don't see her a lot she doesn't have to live seeing your son with cancer.
She's a horrible person and sorry that you had this happen to you when you needed a friend.

She seems a bit immature, sorry you have to deal with this on top of your son being so unwell. She sounds like the type who wants to be in the know so she can talk about it to others. A grief vulture as someone further up described. I'd let the friendship slide and concentrate on your son . Maybe she will cop on and see how immature she's coming across. I had one of these in my life at a time something awful was happening, another acquaintance repeated something I had told her but with a twist to make it sound worse, that was the last time I trusted her, she's out of my life now

Last year, we had a family crisis. My mil was in another country when her brother fell seriously ill (where brother lives). A 10 day holiday turned into 4 months of hell. My dh went out to help his mum and the one thing she was desperate for him to do was take over the messages.

Keeping track of who she'd replied to, finding new words and ways to say nothing has changed, or a slight improvement, or a down turn and physically typing out messages was the one thing she couldn't seem to face. And she'd already set up WhatsApp groups to make it all easier!

So I totally understand how this part of a crisis is actually one of the harder to manage elements.

Your friend thinks shes owed personal updates because she sent you money and presents. It was her way of ensuring she was top of the pecking order and you ignored it! That's why she's cross. Petty, transactional and unhinged spring to mind. You owe her nothing. A good friend would keep being your friend in discreet and helpful ways. This is the opposite.

I hope your son is going to be OK. And I hope you're managing as best you can under the circumstances. Tough times.

Just when you think you’ve heard it all on Mumsnet, there’s this. Wow,

OP, I’m thinking of your son and hope he will be well very soon.

Frirnds don’t make awful situations like this all about them. How selfish of her.

I would go back with something a bit more harsh tbh and tell her not to make it about her. She sounds utterly awful.

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable.

From her side, I think she’s missing you, and hurt that social media seems to be more of a priority to you than her friendship. I think she’s hamfistedly trying to say that she misses you and doesn’t understand.

She’s not in the right.

But.

It’s hard to understand the reality of living with someone going through active cancer treatment unless you’ve done it. I’m currently doing it and the admin of it is so much more than i’d realised before.

Was she a good friend before this?

Wishing your son well x

First off, I am so sorry that you are going through such an horrendous time with your son. We had a child who was life-threateningly ill, and it was the worst of times, so I empathise.

I voted you are unreasonable because my thought is, the LAST thing I would if my child had a cancer diagnosis, would be to post it all over social media. My opinion is that to do so is invading the child’s right to privacy. I would maybe set up a private WhatsApp group for family and close friends to give updates?

I also think your former friend is a bit selfish when, at this time, it would perhaps be wiser to keep quiet about her hurt. But the AIBU was not about her actions.

I think ‘your son’ is the OPs edit where the former friend used his name

Hmmm, narcissist tendencies much?

Sorry you're having to put up with this at such a worrying time already. Just to reassure you, you're not responsible for this nonsense.

They say you can choose your friends, and that being the case in think i know what I'd do.

I am angry on your behalf OP. How dare she try and make this all about her. Tell her to sod off and focus on your DS and people who are supporting you. I hope he makes a good recovery.