Friendship ended after 20 years

To be fair I went though something horrific and I found my friends distanced themselves from me and were quite nitpicky about me during a hard time. So whilst I’m not saying it’s acceptable behaviour, I do think it’s normal behaviour.

ultimately people with decent social skills will know not to pester you with this during a difficult time. Whereas this friend of yours chose this time as the appropriate time to lumber you with this. So just think about that and assess whether you even want her in your life, cause she’s clearly not a gem to keep hold of.

personally I got rid of the faux friends and I’m genuinely happier for it

@Okfig my poor love! So sorry to hear your going through this.

Your friend isn’t a good friend, she’s a grief vulture and totally unreasonable

your only reply ought to have been “oh I’m sorry I’m not doing Mum of child with cancer in the way you want, my bad”

or “dear friend, I can’t believe your making literally the worst time in my life all about you. I’m shocked, saddened and disappointed.”

im cross on your behalf, her behaviour is out of order.

and did she really say bomb boarding instead of bombarding? 😆🤣 she’s not very bright is she?

Time to lose her as a friend, cut her loose. You need good people around you in times like these.

My son also has cancer, and I also resorted to updating via a private instagram as it just becomes so hectic, and emotionally exhausting doing separate messages to everyone.
But I've had friends who've also had cancer, and I notice there is often one of two people who like to be the gatekeepers of the updates. Almost like they enjoy being the special person that gets confided in, and then they performatively share the updates with the rest of us.
I wonder if your friend wanted to be this person? The one who you confide in, the special individual, who gets all the information first? And is aggrieved that you've not chosen to do that. She's certainly making that message all about her. People can be weird.

I think it's fair enough that she feels hurt that you haven't reached out to her (although it's completely understandable that you haven't). However it's totally inappropriate and selfish of her to bring that up with you, especially when you are still going through everything, and shocking that she chose to end the friendship and tell you now.

Yes I thought that was all nonsense too, trying to establish good intentions where there are none... and repeated several times in case you didn't get the point. It's it comes across as I will help your son, but not you.... which is spiteful and clearly not helpful at all.

Just to be clear, I don't think you're bring unreasonable at all. I think the idea of ending a friendship by text for any reason while the other party is dealing with their child having cancer is ridiculous. To end it for this reason is self-centered beyond belief.

However, I remember being a bit hurt when my best friend had a traumatic labour and I'd been supporting her for 2 days before total silence and then a generic Facebook update 24 hours later. She'd done nothing wrong, it was the "I'm not part of her absolute core circle. " I feel like maybe she saw herself as equivalent to your mum or a sister, being there and helping you manage.

I was being silly. In the same situation, my core would have been my husband and my mum. But when you're not in the thick of it and you're just worrying about someone you do love, then maybe you overthink. None of that should ever have been put on you however.

I don't know if that makes sense. I'm not trying to justify her behaviour (hopefully this is the worst thing she's ever done in her life) just maybe shes acting on the same silly feelings I had.

I would say you could be unreasonable for even dignifying her text with a response. She needed to be told how awful she was and then blocked.

I’m so sorry about your son OP and wish him well for his treatment.

I can relate to your post to a certain extent though it was my partner with cancer not a child but like you I didn’t have capacity to keep everyone updated individually.

I certainly found out who my real friends were which weren’t always those I expected. Some like your friend seemed to take it personally that I just couldn’t update them personally on what was happening - I didn’t have the time or strength to repeat things - they pulled away. Others were amazing - messaging me without any expectation of a reply and making it clear they’d help (& following through with this) in whatever way I needed. I’ll always remember the friend who I was meant to meet for a coffee (after months of not being able to see her), which I had to cancel last minute when my partner was rushed to hospital. I came home after an awful day at the hospital to flowers on my doorstep from her and a note to say she’d always be there for us.

Please don’t worry about your ‘friend’. Your priority will always be your lovely son and you’ll find the most unexpected people will be there for you to support as and when you need it - without any expectation of anything in return.

They’ve probably just pressed the wrong button. Impossible to think you are unreasonable here OP.
Your friend is staggeringly lacking in care for you and empathy. From her messages it sounds as though you have been neglecting her, rather than needing to focus everything on your toddler. I think she probably doesn’t have children? Even then, surely she can imagine how her life might be upended if her partner was very ill.
She wants to be your special person, to have closer contact with you than your general friend group, yet lacks the imagination to understand that you only have emotional energy for your child at the moment, and anything else is demanding too much from you.

My best friend's mum died. Our mums were also best friends.

She didn't want to talk to me at all! The context of our friendship with our childhood and our mums was just too painful.

You know what I said?

"No problem. You know where to find me when you're ready. Xxxx"

That's what you can expect from an actual friend. This person is not your friend, or if she is ...she's not very good at it!

She needs to fuck off to the bin. How were responses so measured?? I would have told her exactly where she should go. What a horrible person

Wow I am so sorry OP that you are dealing with this selfish person on top of everything else. Just block her number, archive her, anything just do not respond at all. A proper friend would know you are going through hell right now and offer to be there for you when you need not make it the all about them show. What a selfish nasty horrible person this is. Wishing your son all the very best.

You asked for someone to explain it from her perspective so I'll try (not because I necessarily agree that she's right).

It reads as though you are/were very close friends. Best friends. That she understood you needed space and that your priorities were elsewhere but reached out regularly and sent gifts etc to show you and your son were in her thoughts.
You didn't acknowledge these because you understandably had a lot on your plate and she got that.

But now she feels hurt that she thought you were best friends and that she would be one of those in your inner circle helping you through this awful time.

However she's realised that she only counts the same as Sue that you used to work with eight years ago.

So she's trying (badly) to say reach out to me if I've got this wrong but I won't pester you again.

As I say, I have added this to try and provide the explanation you asked for from her perspective, before I get a pile on that these are my personal views.

I can see why she is a bit hurt but equally don't agree this is the time or way to express that.

However, if she has been a good friend to you, maybe it is worth picking up the phone if you have any mental capacity to spare because text messages are a terrible way to convey feelings and so much of the nuance is missed.

I hope your son is doing well and sorry you are going through this.

She really is a piece of work, isn't she? Give her no further thought. It's all about her. Hurtful but now you know where she is at.

Seeing this at the moment with a friend who is terminally ill, and a very close friend is caring - there are people who understand you don't have bandwidth to update everyone individually, and then there are those who get bent out of shape about it, and worse still try to centre themselves and push themselves upon a sick person who needs a lot of rest and peace.

Wishing all the best for you and your wee son, and hope he will make a good recovery. ♥️

They won't as they know everyone will pounce on them.

The reply she wanted was a grovelling apology from OP for being such a bad friend and a promise to do better.

Then she could graciously allow OP back into her life, knowing she had OP back in line.

That's how people like the friend think.

I don't think you are being unreasonable.

I had a friend like this. She ghosted me for months whilst she was getting divorced and didn't have the energy to keep me in the loop.
However she was bombarding me with messages when my mum was on her deathbed. She just wanted to be in the thick of the drama, so she could wallow in the melancholy and get sympathy for the shit storm you are going through.
It was incredibly toxic and when mum finally passed, the same individual turned to my family to do the same. She made out like I was the worst person in the world for not indulging her. Truth is that she has some serious mental health issues. Secure people don't need to know details to an extent that they would upset you.
I think you should just ignore her, keep your strength for your child and big prayers to you and your family.

I have no words for this. Just wow. What kind of 'friend' is she at all? I wish you and your son all the love in the world.

Those criticising op for using sm:

Most SM does have privacy settings. You can limit who sees messages to a small group of close family and friends. That’s what it is for. So it’s not right to assume that op is broadcasting publicly about her son.

I understand the confidentiality concerns as her son can’t consent and personally I don’t think I would post on sm in these circumstances. But everyone is different.

This situation is incredibly isolating and op says that it is helping her to post on TikTok. And if it is helping her, then it’s no one elses’s business really what they think of it, because she is the one going through the mill right now. And whatever helps her get through atm, also helps her child.

Also, there is a huge difference between posting when your ds is a toddler and not a aware of sm and say a teenager who is on line every day,

Finally, I know a really large family spread across UK, Ireland and USA, whose dd had cancer as a toddler, and now she is a pre-teen, it’s really helpful for her to look back on all the photos and sm comments posted at that time by friends and family. Not only has it helped her understand what happened to her, it’s helped her to know that so many family members and friends loved her and were rooting for her. So, used carefully, it’s not all bad by any means.

Your replies to her messages were so kind and honest whilst also acknowledging her hurt feelings. I’m stunned she hadn’t messaged back to say she’s sorry for being such a numpty and she understands now why you are posting on socials rather than messaging.

Those who think I’m being I reasonable on the vote, I would really like to hear your side. I am trying to see and understand her POV

Having had a best friend like yours, I recognise these patterns of behaviour from her and how she is thinking. She is text book replicating my ex besties behaviour.

She wanted the 'hit' and 'reward' of you confirming her high status position as your ' bestie' by you singling her out for comfort and solace and support in your hour of need, above all your other friends. This would have made her feel really, really good.

When you did not do this, she felt rejected and lowered in status to ' just another friend'. She found this psychologically intolerable. She has cut you off to punish you for your betrayal of the friendship.

She sent that message saying how she would be there for your son ( though not you as you are no longer friends), so that she can tell people how she sent you a really nice letter, such a nice letter, that she put so much thought and caring into. That way, if there is any kick back from her message, she can portray herself as the victim of the kickback.

At no point has she ever thought about any of this from your perspective or why you are handling this as you are. For her, its all about your responsibility for how she is feeling, and your need to be punished for making her feel bad.

I have a good friend. She has had cancer twice. First time around she tried to update people individually but was exhausted. Her mum was putting out inaccurate information and none of it helped her wellbeing when she was trying to go through gruelling treatment. Second time around when I knew her she made it clear that she would do regular updates on Facebook for all family and friends but didn't want to be asked other than that and that she probably wouldn't be able to respond to individual messages. It was time consuming, draining and unhelpful for her. We all completely respected that. I made an effort to still send our usual jokes and chat but she knew I didn't need a response. Your 'friend' is being completely self absorbed and rude. There is no right way to deal with this situation and her petty feelings should be kept to herself.

Echo what a lot of people are saying you haven't done anything wrong.

She's showing you her true colours your better off without someone who makes it the me show.

I'm so sorry about your son. I hope his treatment goes really well.

Your friend could not have exposed herself better as a huge ego-centred narcissist. She has made your son's illness about how (she feels) she is being treated. Grotesque behaviour.

I had a best friend like this once. After the initial anger and hurt when the friendship ended, I honestly felt better. You really don't need people like this in your life.

I had a ' best friend' like yours and I genuinely felt grateful when our friendship ended. No one needs a narcissist in their lives. I'm so sorry about your son . All you need to focus on is your family and the people who unconditionally love you.