To be fascinated by tidy people

My child can't put her coat away because she can't reach. She hands it to me and asks me to hang it up. She takes off her own shoes - sometimes they end up on the shoe rack, sometimes in the vague vicinity. We're working on it. If she's carrying her toy she'll just abandon it anywhere. Coats I would hang up immediately, but if I'm carrying post, random letters from nursery, pictures/crafts she's brought home with her I'll put them on the table to deal with later.

I never thought that people would find me so fascinating 😁

Me neither. And if I noticed the dog had an accident it wouldn’t stop me putting coats on the pegs or hallway cupboard, before I dealt with the mess. In this scenario the children need to put their own coats away - as my daughter was taught in nursery to keep her peg and basket tidy- not just at home. My husband is also an adult human who can help with keeping the house tidy. In this scenario I just wouldn’t make the same choices as the person in the story as the mess would annoy me and I don’t want to give myself more work later.

'The house looks great! But I would be LYING THROUGH MY TEETH if I said I’m not tidying all day long to keep it that way.'

But that's not tidying all day - it's tidying for a few minutes a few times a day when you're finished your breakfast, when you get up from the sofa, when you take your shoes and jacket off.

We don't have a car! My daughter's car seat lives in the hallway under the coat rack for the times we need to hire one. I actually didn't mind that - it's against the wall, not blocking anything and looks like it's "belongs" so I don't count it as clutter. The sand toys on the other hand do annoy me. They are also in a bag in the corridor and I just move the bag constantly to hoover! We live in a flat otherwise I'd make them stay in the garden.

A practical tip; I used to keep the pushchair in the car, to stop from cluttering the house. Your car boot is a wonderful place to put occasional clutter. Like wellies and outdoor gear. Stops them cluttering up the hall and you just pop them on the kids when you get to where you need them. Same with beach stuff or, when they get older, balance bike. Then it's there for when you go to the park. I also utilise lift space as much as possible for stuff only occasionally required, like tools (when you're not mid-renovation like I currently am) or these things that you "hate to throw out". As for trying to sell things, I had the same issue, growing up poor. Even though I still live very modestly, I've learned to just give away things while they're still in decent condition, before they get broken or dirty from being in the way and getting other stuff dumped on them. You never get the time to photograph and list things, because the room needs to be clean before you can photograph and then you have to clean up the item, and the kids need to not be around etc. Then if you did list them, would you even have time for the admin answering stupid questions from buyers who CBA to read the description? Nope. Donate it. They can collect, you preserve your mental health and you feel good for the generosity.

You’re not even just talking about tidiness, you’re talking about not attending to filth - dirty high chair , unwashed prams etc - ugh!

sounds like you need to do a little less sitting down and a bit more bringing things to conclusion eg wipe down high chair straight after meal, empty nappy bag immediately on return, put clothes away

I’m tidy - I don’t put things off

My problem is my house is too small for our stuff. We're an active family and have lots of trainers and outdoor wear. No porch, hallway, garage or loft to store the surplus in.
The trainers have long since overflowed the shoe rack and there's no space for another. But I can't just have five pairs of trainers as I need them for work, running, etc. I do try and keep them straight but it's a losing battle.

Fun fact, I rarely sit down AND my house is still messy. But then again I am a single parent to an AuDHD 7 year old who doesn't let me sleep more than 4h, is also renovating the only house I could afford for us, did my PGCE this year & completed my BEng last year. If people can't see past that, then they're not my people. If I had a second parent, a house that wasn't falling down and wasn't spending 30 hours a week studying and teaching, then maybe my house would be better. You have to decide what your priorities are and then find your people. If you need to sit down more than you need a tidy home, then the stepford mums are not your people. Sorry but you can't have it both ways. You can't clean your couch AND loaf on it.

On a serious note, do you think you might have ADHD? Messy house, needing a sit down regularly (because you need the dopamine), procrastinating?

This is interesting. I've recently decided to become one of these people. Im a SAHP with 2 young kids. I've tried to 'put away as I go' so there's no huge clean up to do at the end of the day.

And yes, I rarely sit down, but we eat together I also get the kitchen/ food cleaned up before they go to bed, so there's no hire end of the day clear up.

I've been following 'broken windows theory' so trying to keep everything up a standard. Let's see if it sticks. Hard work though!!

With ADHD I think the focus is quite often on younger people which is what threw me off - ADHD tends to be worst during puberty, probably because teenagers are already totally emotionally dysregulated and short-term focused. But as the delay in executive functioning "catches up" (doesn't ever reach average adult levels, but hits an average ~20yo level) by about age 30, it can feel like life gets easier, although some (esp women) find that as life responsibilities increase, it gets harder to manage to keep up with these, which is one reason why so many women seek diagnosis in their 30s/40s. But certainly in later life it could become an issue again.

I did wonder this reading your posts, but whether or not that's the case, there is no shame in prioritising rest. Having small children is mentally and physically exhausting. We are so primed by our cultural set up to think that if we arent somehow being productive then we are useless/ shameful/ lazy when actually I expect your life is pretty full on and your body is telling you what you need.

I actually think you're doing the right thing to take a break in the day when you can. Young kids can be exhausting. I would rather get my energy up to be fit for the afternoon adventures and focus on the cleaning at another point. After bedtime, so it's clean to start your day with, or if you have the luxury of someone taking the kids out for an hour.
But things like cleaning the highchair, car seat etc. is best to do as you go otherwise it mounts up along with all the other stuff.

I set aside Sundays to clean. It's just my husband and I in a small condo. We don't have kids but we have birds, books, plants, collections, and too many hobbies to count. Each Sunday I do the routine things, laundry, dusting, kitchen, bathroom and throughout the week touch-ups and then still have to do other bigger tasks like cleaning out the fridge, taking clothes to Goodwill, emptying cupboards of old food. I spend the whole day but it's a stress reliever for me. I put on music or a podcast and feel better by the end.

A few of my friends who have the tidy homes, never seem spend time cleaning. They are always out doing stuff. I found out they hire a cleaner to come in once or twice a week. Unfortunately, I don't have the money or want someone to touch my stuff lol. Our place is cluttered but it's all in its place and clean. I am not a minimalist lol and so spend a lot of time organizing our stuff.

However, some days you have to be kind to yourself and have a rest or go out and have fun. You are a busy lady with a family and are doing your best. Who cares about what others think. It's your home and it's loved and loved in.

I would assume all neurological conditions get worse with age.
Like everything else that impacts health.

So my question is to anyone that knows (I haven't googled yet) - does ADHD get worse with age?

I read in a later post that your DH is in his 70s. Executive functioning is the skill set/brain process which is impaired with ADHD, and unfortunately, this does also deteriorate with age, so in the 70s it's quite likely that a combination of ADHD and age-related EF difficulties (e.g. forgetting why you've walked into a room is a common one people mention) can make it feel like ADHD is getting worse.

Just came back to say that after reading this thread, I’ve been trying to behave like a “tidy person” instead of “a person who tidies constantly,” and while my home looks much better, I have found that I am just spending a lot more time and energy on cleaning/tidying tasks “as I go” instead of just in infrequent bursts, and I am very tired at the end of the day.

Just wanted to add some encouragement and say that changing any behaviour is tiring at first - think about when you start a new job, you're often exhausted at the end of the day for the first few weeks and then slowly as you get used to it, you'll still be tired obviously after working but it isn't the same as the all-consuming exhaustion from doing something new.

I am still of the opinion that this kind of thing is more tiring for some people than others, but I think the new factor might be a part of it too, so it might be worth sticking with it for a while to see if it gets easier and which parts of it you might keep or drop. I do think that for me one part of my ADHD is that I give up on things much too easily and make a premature judgement that something isn't going to work so I might as well stop trying. I don't usually notice when I'm doing this in the moment but I'm trying to get better about it and stop when I think about quitting and give myself a short target by which, if it hasn't improved, I can quit with no guilt. If I do stick to this, I have an astonishing rate of success with whatever the goal was in general - I don't know whether it's because I relax, knowing that there WILL be an end point, and that makes it more likely to succeed, or whether it's just that there is typically a "hump" before the success point and I am sensitive to it or just that I'm quitting at the first sign of difficulty, whereas most things will succeed if you stick with them for a reasonable amount of time.

I did leave my toothbrush on the kitchen counter the other day. I was about to brush my teeth in the downstairs loo, where I keep a spare toothbrush, and then for some reason I can't remember, perhaps someone else needed the bathroom urgently, I walked with my brush and mouth full of toothpaste to the kitchen sink to finish off and when I was finished I left the toothbrush at an entirely different part of the kitchen because I was worried if I left it next to the sink, someone would assume it was an old toothbrush (used for cleaning) and use it to scrub the limescale off the taps or whatever.

The kinds of "armfuls of stuff" I tend to have when we come in the door after Kindergarten -

My own bag
At least one coat from a child who refused to wear it and didn't give a fig if it was abandoned on the pavement.
Maybe my own coat because the day started off cold and got hotter
An art project one or both children made at school which are essential to keep
A letter sent home by one of the children's teachers (TBF this is usually folded and put into my own bag, but it can get lost in the black hole)
A spare pair of shoes which got left there another day, or the collection of five jumpers DS2 keeps taking and then abandoning which are threatening to take over the entire cloakroom.
A snack I took to try and fend off the after-school meltdown, which somebody has refused to finish and it was after we had passed the last bin on the route
At least one child's bag because they refused to walk and carry it at the same time, and on this occasion I had absolutely no strength left to stand in the burning hot sun and parent them into walking while holding their bag, so I just carried it instead because at least that way we are making a miniscule amount of movement towards home.

TBF on some days I do get them to carry their own bags and coats. And much of the time I take the buggy and shove all of these things into the buggy. But DS2 is 4 now and I can't justify bringing it much longer.

DH doesn't understand why I say some days I can't get it together to remind the children to hang up their coats and bags and take their lunch boxes and water bottles out and place them into the kitchen.

I honestly cannot understand in what universe anybody does have that ability. And yet most people seem to do it every day. I assume it is different if you don't have ADHD and you don't have a child with ADHD and another child who is simply exhausted because he is learning a second language, but then DH is also dealing with the same two children, so 🤷‍♀️

Poor kids. A tidy home needn’t come at the expense of a happy childhood. Only water! Madness.

I love the tidy, but cosy and lived in feel. One of my favourite sights at the end of the day is whatever creation my son has made being left up to play with the next day. A castle made of magnatiles, or bits of cardboard taped together to make a garage, with matchbox cars carefully lined up inside. I love it.

I hope her children rebel against this and raise their own children differently.

No you really don’t want to ask her. My SIL has four children ranging from 10 to 16, her and my BIL had a plan a baby every two years no excuses or compromises allowed. Her home is a showcase for how to live your best life, at least in her head. The reward for both, is all their children can’t stand to be around them. Their entire childhood is about holding back because you must never make a mess, example only drink allowed is water doesn’t stain, the kids are so programmed even where there are other options the answer is no thank you. Now that the oldest can take the younger ones out I feel like we now have six kids. I apologize I didn’t mean to make this about me, my point is be careful what you wish for.

It just seems like a long list of work that I’m not doing. If I read a book and leave it on the bedside table, that’s not mess. It’s just a book. I’m not constantly thinking about putting everything away the second I use it. If my son drags all ten books off his bookshelf because he’s reading them on the floor in his room or in a den he’s built, that is “mess”, but he’s a kid. And he tidies them away himself. If I keek round his door to say it’s time to go to nursery and all his books are out I’ll say “we’re going now, tidy those up.” As he only ever has about a dozen in his shelf at any given time (we rotate books) then it takes him seconds.

Listing the most mundane of things and calling it “tidying” is a bit of a stretch. If you brush your teeth, you don’t put the toothbrush down on your dining table or in your car. You’re brushing at the sink so when you’re done you put it in whatever holder is right there. That’s not tidying anymore than remembering to put your toilet paper in the toilet and flush it is “tidying”. Same with the dog dishes (cats for us). They’re always dirty when you go to feed them- because they’ve eaten out of them. Part of putting fresh food down is washing them first. I don’t think of it as “ugh, stopping to wash the dishes” any more than I think “ugh, stopping to feed the cat.” It’s just a normal daily responsibility.

It sounds to me like you’ve got too much stuff. Our house could be a bomb site at the end of the day and it still would only take 10 minutes to put back together. I would definitely drown in too much stuff. I don’t want to think about tidying, or spend time tidying. Own less, tidy less. I guarantee if you own less, a single book on a table, a blanket on the couch not neatly folded, or a slightly squinty rug will not make your home look messy.

Of course we live in our house and do things throughout the day, but never have I thought I tidy “all day long” in order to keep a tidy home. That’s not physically possible if I were to graph how much of my day I spend sitting on my couch! Unless I’ve mastered tidying by telekinesis.

From reading other posts on here, the problem seems to be owning too much stuff.

OP, it sounds as if you are really overwhelmed, and I can understand that. I think that you'd need to have a serious blitz of decluttering and cleaning, and that you maybe need more storage, but that would require you to block out a big tranche of time, very difficult to do with young kids. What might be manageable, though, would be for you and your husband to find two or three hours one evening when the kids are in bed to make a list of everything you need to do to get things straight, so you could tackle it incrementally. For a first step, if you had space in your hall for a large cupboard with shelves and hanging space, you could use that to stash coats, shoes, buggies, school bags, etc. out of sight. IKEA is a good place to start. My home looks pretty tidy and uncluttered, but I have a spare room and plenty of cupboards in which to stash my junk, as well as a garage, which is full of boxes that I haven't looked at for years! Could you afford a cleaner? If so, you might have to do some decluttering first, but it could be very helpful. You can hire people to do a major blitz initially, and then come regularly (or not). Those other parents with clean houses likely have cleaners and other domestic help; I bet that they're not handling all themselves!

Please don't take offence, but you seem to have some traits associated with ADHD, and maybe your husband does too. Procrastinating, letting tasks pile up, leaving clothes to pile up, feeling exhausted and shutting down when overwhelmed, feeling shame, struggling to get up in the morning: these are all behaviors familiar to those with ADHD. It takes a long time to get a diagnosis and meds in the UK, but it might be worth talking with your GP or at least investigating online. ADHD Women sub-Reddit is full of posts offering strategies to those who are struggling with organization, and there is also an excellent book by K.C. Davis called How to Keep House while Drowning. You may be depressed, which is of course a standalone condition but also co-morbid with ADHD, and/or you may be deficient in some vitamins or minerals. It sounds as if you need to carve out some time to take care of yourself. Don't beat yourself up, OP.

You’re missing the point entirely. Like you said, whether you do the dishes as you make them, or at the end of the day, maybe you make 15 minutes of dishes total daily. Cool. But I assume you and your family members do things throughout the day besides sit on the floor interacting with nothing; you presumably use things, and you presumably put them back where they belong as soon as you’re finished with them. That’s tidying.

You’re doing it all day long without even realizing it, whereas an “untidy person” will either have to expend conscious effort to do that— picture an individual with ADHD, for example, going around saying aloud “put it away, not down”— or they save the tidying “for later.” (Whether they actually get around to putting their things away “later” is what determines the total tidiness of their home.)

Like I said, the past few days I have been tidying consciously and constantly: not the the things that I use, but the things DD uses and the occasional items DH uses and leaves misplaced. The dishes are getting done as soon as they’re made. Countertops and tables are wiped as soon as we’re done cooking/eating. Books that were perused during breakfast are returned to their respective bookshelves. If I notice a toy in the middle of the living room that isn’t being played with, it gets taken down to the recreation room, preferably if one of us is already on our way downstairs. If the rug is askance or the pillows are on the floor or the throw blanket is crumpled instead of folded neatly over the couch, that’s corrected. Tooth brushes, tooth paste, hair brushes, cosmetics, any other hygiene items: put back in their new precise spots in the bathroom drawer or hutch if left out. If I see hair on the sink from anybody’s head or face (looking at you, husband dearest) that gets wiped away. Towels and clothing on the floor after DD showers: taken care of immediately. Laundry has been done as soon as I have a hamper full or the bedding is dirty (see:dogs) or the clean towels run out (usually a load every day to every other day), and the hampers are replaced and laundry put away. If the dog bowls are dirty when I go to feed them, I stop to wash them. Mail in the mail place gets sorted instead of being allowed to pile up. So on and so forth, literally all day long.

The house looks great! But I would be LYING THROUGH MY TEETH if I said I’m not tidying all day long to keep it that way.

Also: children are differently abled. Mine struggles with a short attention span and with following directions. She’ll probably figure it out with time and more practice.

Where I live the reservoirs are just under 36% full and we have had a hosepipe ban for several weeks, so I am leaving my dishes to do in one session to save water.

Op anyone with two young kids can’t be lazy if they’re parenting at all, they just can’t. If you even have a high hair you have a child that means you do more running around and you sleep less than people like me who have older kids. You have to remember that.

I think it takes a lot more work for some of us, it’s like creativity or someone who’s good at maths, some people automatically know the optimal way to put things away and clean faster than others. My dh, two bils, my sister, sil and mil are like thins, myself and my mum will have to fiddle stuff around or redo tidying whereas my sister can make any of our houses show home ready in minutes. She also washes and folds like she works for a clothing company!

We recently had guests who were relatives over for two weeks and I tidied and cleaned for weeks ahead of them coming but when they came they helped out and the place was 1000 times better. I was so thrilled until afterwards when I found out he suggested to dh we get a cleaner in as he couldn’t believe anyone lived like we did and we seemed swamped. I had thought the place looked really good ahead of them coming, yes I saw the difference when they cleaned but it was generally clean. He said they were exhausted going home:(