Albu to expect my husband to earn more?

OP this sounds so hard and I know so many men like your DH I run a business in the creative industry and it’s so hard right now, the clients are reducing work etc.

But after 20 years of work and being freelance he should have a stable base of regular clients regular jobs and assuming he’s limited should have managed to build something profitable, he’s feeding you a massive pack of lies, the year post covid in our Indy went crazy it was so busy. Most freelancers I know and use are VAT registered and earning over £85k.

if he’s a copywriter? Maybe then I’m afraid he will have to face reality and retrain, if he’s video equally and photographers are also really getting hit but have been on the decline since iPhone cameras got better.

if he’s graphic designer then I’m afraid he’s feeding you a line or isn’t very good and he should be able to pull a minimum of 50k billing out at 45pm, doing in-house co tracts at £350 a day etc.

Id be booting him up the bum to retrain or get another job as his earnings are not fit for a family and I’d be having a serious think about my future with him.

if you did leave I’m sure he wouldn’t pay a penny but then at least there is one less mouth to feed!

I’m going to put bets on a graphic designer.

I was in a similar situation, but we don't have kids.

I was sick and tired of doing everything and paying for everything, and being the only one securing our financial future.

Like you, I'd gone from earning £17k when we started out, to £75k 20 years later, and DH was still bringing in a starter salary.

In the end I laid my cards on the table and told him I was pretty much done.

He retrained.

I paid for the training, and equipment, and van, using my savings, and he's worked incredibly hard and is on track to earn £80+k this year (2 years later). In actual fact he's trying hard NOT to earn so much that he has to go VAT registered.

Because most of those women do work. Just unpaid.

It’s not clear who does most childcare, domestic and emotional labour. IF it is OP then Freeloader would be a fair descriptor for him.

The part where he said he wants to be happy would finish me off. His happy is at your expense, literally and metaphorically. I would give him an ultimatum and that would be to get a job that reliably pays his bills or he leaves.

I know a woman who divorced her husband over a situation like this.

It’s great he is good at and enjoys what he does but he is working like a single man instead of a married man with children.

I would sit down and try to understand why he feels the need to lie about his finances. Is he feeling pressure from you? Does he feel insecure? My husband was similar when we were younger, but I got to the crux of it and now he’s better with his finances than I am 🫣

about the unstable job, idk what he works as but the job market is truly shit atm - I’ve been unemployed for 6 months and only just found a decent job, and my husband was pushing me to work retail or something JUST to bring in money - I got soo defensive. It’s really hard atm. I do think this is something you can sort through with open communication and resolution in mind.

leaving him is not an option.

Leaving him is always an option.

It sounds like your H isn’t cut out for the changing landscape and is too scared to pivot. He doesn’t sound cut out for the gamut of responsibilities when you are a sole trader. By cleaning up his past financial messes you’ve assumed a maternal role in your relationship dynamic. He doesn’t want that to change because that would mean he would have to grow up and live in the here and now, instead he’s resting on the laurels of past success.

leaving him is not an option.

Leaving him is always an option.

It sounds like your H isn’t cut out for the changing landscape and is too scared to pivot. He doesn’t sound cut out for the gamut of responsibilities when you are a sole trader. By cleaning up his past financial messes you’ve assumed a maternal role in your relationship dynamic. He doesn’t want that to change because that would mean he would have to grow up and live in the here and now, instead he’s resting on the laurels of past success.

I read this

"He’s self employed in creative industry."

and thought we'll he is never going to be making £200k
But honestly the situation is ridiculous.

if i read correctly he doesnt have standard hours so cant reliably help and brings in less than minimum wage some months.

He needs a proper job - he is responsible for 3 children..farting about following his passion isnt an option any more

It’s the ‘I want to be happy’ shit that would upset me. I’d say as bluntly as you can, you being happy is coming at my expense. I am overstressed running the house and funding the family that we chose to have and fulfil our personal lives.
what he has is an expensive hobby that occasionally raises some money.

He needs to get a proper salaried job, ideally at least 4 days a week.

Is he even applying to permanent jobs in his industry?

Because when the vast majority of women are not working that is because they are doing the child care and house work, he is working long hours and OP is doing it all so he can go off and earn pittance

I don't understand why you say you can't leave him.

He's not going to change. Tell him to get an employed job or he'll have to move out.

Or you can carry on as you are. I don't see what other options are

What does he do? Plenty of jobs in creative industries are well paid - you just have to move sideways or compromise a bit.

My friend's husband was a photographer and spent all of his own money on his work, and some of hers, too. He's quite well known now but still treats the money he earns as his own. Some people are just completely self interested, and it's no coincidence this is usually associated with being really bad at anything to do with the business side of things. If self-employment doesn't bring in enough money, it's a hobby.

I'm shocked you are tolerating this. I can see why you feel you can't leave him, but you're not able to rely on him for childcare, even. He puts himself first, every single time. Of course he could make those particular dates to pick up the kids if he wanted to. Do you think if he didn't get a better offer he wouldn't ask the client to change the date? He's just feckless and selfish.

He's lied about working and hidden credit cards and debt.

I would have been out the first lie I discovered about work or a hidden credit card or debt.

He only wants to work on his schedule at work that makes him happy.

I want a pony.

If you don't leave him, you're stuck with a lazy liar who will pull you down further and further financially. You will never have nice things for you and the kids because you chose a money suck partner.

This would be financial abuse. I don't believe she should suffer the consequences of someone else's ill management, but that's what happens in marriage (and when you partner with men most of the time), but at the same time being forced into work which would ruin your mental health is also not fair and would seem extremely controlling.

Leaving is an option though. You may be plunged into poverty and lose money in the settlement, but don’t you think mental health is more important? You're suffering the same consequences of poverty now AND babysitting a grown child.

You can just suffer the consequences of poverty, that’s all I am saying.

it's kind of like that slogan I saw outside a gym. ‘tired of being fat and ugly? Just be ugly’

Yes, but this would cause me to lose any remaining respect towards him.

Explain why leaving is not an option? The lying, the not contributing enough, the not giving a shit about what you're doing to support the family.

I'm also a self-employed creative and it's just me providing for me and my son, I don't have the luxury of a 'second mummy' looking after me like your DH does, so if my business wasn't making enough money to support us, I'd need to get a job.

My ex husband was like this. I was not / am not earning as much as you op but my wage was reliable and I knew how much I was getting each month. My ex on the other hand, well I’d lie awake at night worrying how much he’d contribute month to month. He didn’t seem to care. He became like another child, on payday he would say “is it ok if I just put £500 in the joint account” FFS. The whole time we were together, I can count ONE month that he put more into the joint account than me and that was when I was on SMP. Like you, I became sick of earning the most but also doing the most with the children and around the house!! We are divorced now and he currently owes me 2k in maintenance. Men like this don’t change and more importantly the situation you are in won’t change. I used to hope every month it would be different. Maybe when he gets X job, or does Y. You need to be a special breed of person to make a success of being self employed and make enough to support a family. My mum did - she was the breadwinner and made enough to send me to private school. But she is a driven individual. Throughout my whole childhood I barely remember her taking a day off sick. She’d work 10 hours a day 5 days a week plus Saturday mornings. Even now, at 80, she is working. I am not saying we should all strive for this. But many people aren’t cut out for it. I’m not, which is why I have a PAYE job.

My dad was the same as my ex until he got Alzheimer’s. It’s up to you to decide if you can live with it or not. My mum could. I couldn’t.

No. I'm not mad.

He has zero reason to change. There is no financial partnership. He makes his own pocket money. Sometimes pays. And OP picks up the tab. But more than that, he is doing something he enjoys and loves and has a choice. OP has zero choice- she couldn't down tools and drop to 2 days per week because of the impact on the kids financially.

I asked if they shared... Seems not. He keeps debt etc from her, lies about it maybe because he doesn't feel like he is actually in a financial partnership.

I think it only works to have separate finances if there is an agreement about how and what is being paid by whom.

The mere act of OP working it all out and presenting it to him just reinforces her role here of organising him financially. Iif she wasn't married, id actually let him fail.

OP- he isn't going to change. I'm only sorry that you are married as financially it's galling. Work out what you can accept and stick to it. If he crosses the threshold, you'll need to trigger a plan b.

pS I would suggest you put CB in his name if you decide to stick with him. That way he can get NI etc otherwise, in old age he won't have enough years worked and will be on a reduced pension- another burden on you.

YADNBU
i had a similar husband, and the lying about money/bills and not having a proper job (if he did it wouldn't be for very long) nearly broke me. I ended up in a right old mess with burnout from the stress of keeping the show on the road. He did finally get a job (after over a year unemployed) and surprisingly he stuck at it for over 12 years until he got ill with a rare cancer and died 3 months later, a hell of a shock. I miss him terribly. We did get our relationship back on track but TBH it was a close run thing. When things were really grim I had told him I couldn't live like this any more and wanted him to leave. He was so shocked. the difference between him and yours was that he was always good at being there and doing things with/for the DC so he wasn't a complete waste of space. Does yours always have money to do what he wants to do even when he's pleading poverty to you? I do know now from things I've been told after he died that after he finally did get his act together, he was very ashamed of how he'd behaved in earlier years.

@gymboe Why isn’t leaving him an option ? Your husband is a non starter , this is how he will be for the next 20 years. What message are you giving to your children about workshy men and what you are prepared to endure ?!