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Original poster

What do i do now

86 replies

Isthisover88 · 25/08/2025 09:16

Pretty sure my marriage of 20 years has just come tumbling down. Not really a surprise as we've been in a rocky place for a while but its all come to a head last night

Basically DH has been moaning for a while, constantly that everything i do is wrong. In his opinion wrong. Examples include (not not limited to)
The bathroom gets too wet when I shower, despite the fact I then go round and more up any water afterwards (that's not good enough I obviously don't show right in the first place)

I don't tell youngest dc (4) off enough - I do tell him off I just don't believe in shouting in his face to do it

I don't have sex with him often enough - we probably average 2-3 times a week, i'm peri menopausal and we both work full time, he'd have it 7 days a week if he could

I work too much - both have full time jobs and I wfh 3 days, 9-5 tho some flexibility on my hours for school runs and stuff however have a dedicated office space. He finishes at 1pm and gets home about 2, I should come and bring the laptop out and sit with when he finishes to spend time with him

I don't do enough around the house. Apparently my wfh days should be used to catch up on housework. I also don't hoover, but he moans about how I hoover not being up to his standards so I now refuse to

I've started running again as my fitness is struggling with the peri-menopause with thr aim of maybe doing a half marathon later in the year. While it's perfectly acceptable for him to go to football every Saturday and various other activities on a sunday etc, me taking an hour out here and there (usually when the kids are asleep or before they wake up as we have a treadmill) is sacrificing family time - ie time with him

Last night I was called the C word and shouted at as I was trying to work through with him the whole shower situation to try and appease him and because I wasn't listening well enough he flipped out

OP posts:
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Laura95167 · 25/08/2025 21:17

Isthisover88 · 25/08/2025 09:25

He slept in thr spare room last night so i tried talking to him this morning and his stance is the same. I was hoping yesterday was alcohol fueled as we had some friends round and he had a drink but apparently not

He's basically said i either change and work to his standards or he'll move out

Offer to help him pack

Ihatelittlefriendsusan · 25/08/2025 21:15

He is an abusive arsehole @Isthisover88

You need to get your ducks in a row and start making plans to be free of him.

He is not only abusing you but also your child.

He is not a good guy.

Dp the right thing and get rid!

Original poster
Isthisover88 · 25/08/2025 21:06

Dh and I have never had a joint account so yes its in a couple of accounts he can't access. Its not a life changing amount but enough to help me right now

OP posts:
Tortielady · 25/08/2025 20:29

Isthisover88 · 25/08/2025 19:23

I will be going to be speaking to someone. We own a house, its in joint names but in i put more of a deposit down so I want to see if there the anything that could be done etc

I also have some inheritance that has recently been paid out, unfortunately DH does know about it but I will need that to buy out the house or go on my own

Is the inheritance in a separate bank account he doesn't have access to? If not, get it sorted straight away - something you can definitely do online with a number of banks. DH and I had to set up our own accounts for student finance as SLC wouldn't pay into our joint account. It was like falling off a log.

RandomMess · 25/08/2025 20:28

Keep your inheritance money completely separate so not mingle it with marital finances in anyway at all.

gamerchick · 25/08/2025 19:25

Isthisover88 · 25/08/2025 09:25

He slept in thr spare room last night so i tried talking to him this morning and his stance is the same. I was hoping yesterday was alcohol fueled as we had some friends round and he had a drink but apparently not

He's basically said i either change and work to his standards or he'll move out

This is his goal OP. He has one foot out of the door and he wants to make it your fault.

Tell him to piss off with his whinging.

Original poster
Isthisover88 · 25/08/2025 19:23

I will be going to be speaking to someone. We own a house, its in joint names but in i put more of a deposit down so I want to see if there the anything that could be done etc

I also have some inheritance that has recently been paid out, unfortunately DH does know about it but I will need that to buy out the house or go on my own

OP posts:
RunningJo · 25/08/2025 18:59

Onthebusses · 25/08/2025 16:10

No need to do that. Simply go online and initiate a divorce. It's £500 and worth every penny. You can do the financial separation afterwards.

Show quote history

I think in this situation whereas this man is so vile to the OP speaking to a solicitor would be very wise. I think he’d just treat her awfully without (& probably will try anyway), but good legal advice, face to face is worth its weight in gold.

PariahHeep · 25/08/2025 17:51

I’d be running to the solicitors and knee sliding into their office

Yes! I like your style 😎💪

You only do the divorce once, it's worth getting proper legal advice from someone who will make sure this prince among men doesn't get any more than he's due.

Spirallingdownwards · 25/08/2025 16:18

Isthisover88 · 25/08/2025 09:25

He slept in thr spare room last night so i tried talking to him this morning and his stance is the same. I was hoping yesterday was alcohol fueled as we had some friends round and he had a drink but apparently not

He's basically said i either change and work to his standards or he'll move out

Pack his bags for him and send him on his way

Onthebusses · 25/08/2025 16:10

RunningJo · 25/08/2025 15:42

The fact he called you what he did is enough, but then the ‘his standard’ bollocks I’d be running to the solicitors and knee sliding into their office first thing tomorrow to see how to start divorce proceedings!

He sounds awful in so many ways, you will be so much happier and better off without him. Good luck OP, I hope you find a solicitor who well and truly kicks his arse!

No need to do that. Simply go online and initiate a divorce. It's £500 and worth every penny. You can do the financial separation afterwards.

MounjaroMounjaro · 25/08/2025 15:54

Isthisover88 · 25/08/2025 09:25

He slept in thr spare room last night so i tried talking to him this morning and his stance is the same. I was hoping yesterday was alcohol fueled as we had some friends round and he had a drink but apparently not

He's basically said i either change and work to his standards or he'll move out

That's fantastic news. Help him pack.

Onthebusses · 25/08/2025 15:45

Isthisover88 · 25/08/2025 09:25

He slept in thr spare room last night so i tried talking to him this morning and his stance is the same. I was hoping yesterday was alcohol fueled as we had some friends round and he had a drink but apparently not

He's basically said i either change and work to his standards or he'll move out

That's excellent. Don't change. Embrace who you are. You sound great.

RunningJo · 25/08/2025 15:42

The fact he called you what he did is enough, but then the ‘his standard’ bollocks I’d be running to the solicitors and knee sliding into their office first thing tomorrow to see how to start divorce proceedings!

He sounds awful in so many ways, you will be so much happier and better off without him. Good luck OP, I hope you find a solicitor who well and truly kicks his arse!

Parksinyork · 25/08/2025 15:39

Isthisover88 · 25/08/2025 14:51

I'm sitting here realising what a mug I have been over thr last few years

He keeps going on about how much better off he would be without me and how he could do so much better than me

This summer holidays he has done nothing to help with childcare (youngest still in full time nursery but oldest is going into year 4) so I've had to juggle working from home and sorting childcare for my office days while hes been home at 2 most days and I've still picked the eldest up on those days

He has also had holidays to Spain, Ireland and up north with his mates while I've juggled everything and is away all next weekend as well.

I never moan about him being away. But me going for a run is a disaster as i'm sacrificing precious time together

Next summer you will be in a much better situation.

PInkyStarfish · 25/08/2025 15:24

He is needy, selfish, abusive, demanding, controlling and stupid. He’s stupid because he can’t grasp that his rotten behaviour is going to make you leave him!

I would never forgive my husband or anyone that called me a cunt and I don’t know of any woman who has an ounce of self respect who would!

He needs putting in the bin asap.

outerspacepotato · 25/08/2025 15:10

You shower wrong, you don't verbally abuse your 4 year old, you do your job instead of sitting with him like a pet, you work too much, you don't have sex every night, you don't clean when you're supposed to be working, you work on a fitness goal instead of being glued to his side.

He doesn't want a wife, he wants a sticky toy/pet/cleaner/sex doll who works invisibly and brings home money. You know he would bitch if you weren't working.

His demands are so unreasonable and unrealistic I think he's just looking for any reason to put you down so he can leave while playing the victim. He dislikes you, he criticizes you even to how you shower, is contemptuous of you and abusive to at least your 4 year old, so your marriage is done.

Next time he's at work, get copies of financials. Tell him it's obvious his needs are not reasonable and he'd best get stepping to find his new workerdronebangmaid who will raise his kids on his time. And buy him a plushie so he has someone to be at his side 24/7.

PariahHeep · 25/08/2025 15:07

He keeps going on about how much better off he would be without me and how he could do so much better than me

His accusations are admissions - you would be so much better without him and you can do so much better than him.

I never moan about him being away. But me going for a run is a disaster as i'm sacrificing precious time together

The irony!

You haven't been a mug @Isthisover88 , you've been under his 'spell'. The fog is starting to clear for you, the only way is up now. It won't be all plain sailing but you'll get there and we're here for the lows and the highs that will come again Flowers

pinkbackground · 25/08/2025 14:52

I’d let him move out. I bet you feel relieved when he’s gone and that will say it all.

Original poster
Isthisover88 · 25/08/2025 14:51

I'm sitting here realising what a mug I have been over thr last few years

He keeps going on about how much better off he would be without me and how he could do so much better than me

This summer holidays he has done nothing to help with childcare (youngest still in full time nursery but oldest is going into year 4) so I've had to juggle working from home and sorting childcare for my office days while hes been home at 2 most days and I've still picked the eldest up on those days

He has also had holidays to Spain, Ireland and up north with his mates while I've juggled everything and is away all next weekend as well.

I never moan about him being away. But me going for a run is a disaster as i'm sacrificing precious time together

OP posts:
Whatareyoutalkingaboutnow · 25/08/2025 14:45

Let him leave, he is the C.
You will be much happier, OP.
Call a solicitor tomorrow, he's done you a favour. 💐

Parksinyork · 25/08/2025 14:21

Isthisover88 · 25/08/2025 13:51

Have taken the kids to a soft play centre while I try and get some stuff sorted

Trying to work out how feasible it is to go on my own. Would love to buy him out the house but that's not going to be possible so now writing down by expense against what I can afford etc

Left him sulking and grumpy at home. Feels good to be out

Good planning. You can put his earning into the CM website, don’t forget single person discount on council tax, any impact on child maintance and potentially universail credit.

Owly11 · 25/08/2025 14:04

Isthisover88 · 25/08/2025 09:25

He slept in thr spare room last night so i tried talking to him this morning and his stance is the same. I was hoping yesterday was alcohol fueled as we had some friends round and he had a drink but apparently not

He's basically said i either change and work to his standards or he'll move out

Great, problem solved. Usually these kinds of men refuse to leave. He is making it very easy. Btw there’s only one cunt in the relationship and it isn’t you.

Original poster
Isthisover88 · 25/08/2025 13:51

Have taken the kids to a soft play centre while I try and get some stuff sorted

Trying to work out how feasible it is to go on my own. Would love to buy him out the house but that's not going to be possible so now writing down by expense against what I can afford etc

Left him sulking and grumpy at home. Feels good to be out

OP posts:
blackpooolrock · 25/08/2025 13:42

He sounds insufferable. Kick him out because what he's doing is verging on abuse. It doesn't sounds like he adds anything to your life or the kids lives.

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