To end marriage due to step children

A sudden change of behavior at the age he was 3 years ago and a new man on the scene (mothers new husband) could be a sign of abuse … my alarms are going off majorly on this

Your dh needs to see the reality of the situation which is making everyone miserable. Don't tolerate it op yanbu. Its almost at breaking point now. Is this how you want to continue forever? It won't resolve without either counselling or splitting up which is what the dsc might be aiming for. Then at least they have one parent to themselves .

Horses are quite a commitment, if you and DH are at the stables every weekend, I think the kids are probably thinking that Dad should be spending time doing things they want to do with him rather than spending every weekend at the stables doing a hobby that only his new family really like and leaving them to either come with, or do nothing.
With my kids, me and my DH don't do our hobbies over our kids. We take them to hobbies they want to do and have sidelined our own hobbies in favour of theirs, that we dont even have any interest in. For example husband used to play golf every weekend and hates football, but son loves football, so the weekend is centred around sons football. I like horseriding, have taken my kids but they have no interest and so we do other things, I dont do horseriding anymore as it takes too much precious time for me to be off horseriding while my kids are doing nothing ay home.
I can completely see how your SCs are feeling like they are completely sidelined for a hobby they have no interest in. Dad should be making an effort to do things they want to do and are interested in on the weekends he has them. And if it were me I would be giving up the horses, which are a huge commitment in time and money and focussing on my relationship with my kids. Although, maybe its too late now and after 9 years of this they have made up their minds that they have had enough of being sidelined for this hobby and now just have disengaged.
To this end, yes you probably should end the marriage, so he can be the dad he should be being and you can enjoy your hobby with your son.

Your DH is rather selfish. He can't ride every time his DD comes over. Yes I understand the horses need looking after but once in a while he needs to not ride and make some effort with his DD. Can't you ride them in the evening so he can spend time with his kids at the weekend? That's unless I've misunderstood

I agree your DH sounds pretty awful tbh. Neither of his children are able to ride with him - so he needs to not go riding when it’s his weekends with them. His priority should be his children, and spending quality time with them when they’re around. You’re getting the brunt of the frustration of the SDC, when it’s not really on you.

I suspect things would be more harmonious between all of you if your DSS wasn't feeling like a spare part being shuffled between two parents with new lives and partners and not really being fully included in either new life.

He’s not nasty, he’s not overly rude, He doesn’t cause trouble… It is what it is. 🤷‍♀️ My friend works in a secondary school and she said year 9 boys are the worst. But they come out the other side and are perfectly pleasant again. It’s not a laugh a minute, but he’s our child and we love him. There are people dealing with far worse in their home life.

You could always lead rein her on your horse?

I have had horses since 1994, so I guessed immediately what the hobby was! I’m really interested to know what breed they are though that makes them unsafe for novices. As you know, there is a huge variation of characters even within breeds. I learned to ride on an Arab for instance, and despite the breed being known for being hot headed (and he could be), he was by a million miles the safest horse we’d ever owned.

The Welsh section A and the Shetlands however are a different story 😂😂

I think the issue here is that the dad doesn’t prioritise his kids and they know it. He spends hardly any time with them and doesn’t appear to know them at all. If the weekends are the only time he wants to see his kids then he should at least dedicate it to them, not go horse riding with you.

@HP200

DUMP HIM,OP.
Life is just too short.

I don't understand why you can't find a way to involve her with horses, she sounds keen so why not (unless you actually don't want her which is what it sounds like).

Please just be kind to the DSS. Very tricky for a 13 year old boy in today's world. His Dad needs to back off with hassling him about you. They need to find a secure relationship with each other, do what interests the son, not the son fiting around dad. You are a grown up crack on with your life, he may or may not come round, think why would an unrelated 13year old want to spend time with any woman? Although being civil would be a bonus as long as he generally behaves and not causing drama leave him to his dad.
DSS might not want to be at your home at all, imagine being forced eow to go somewhere you don't want to be, don't feel welcome and step mum looking for problems. Poor kid.

Is your son the same age as your step daughter?

And she’s trying to get involved in the all consuming family hobby of competitive horse riding but not given an option?

If she’s 17 and your son is the same age but more accomplished I can understand why she might be self conscious about taking riding lessons alongside him.

If I were you I’d prioritise bringing your step daughter closer into your family and getting her riding.

Horse people can be a bit precious and ivory tower IME. Is it really so impossible that she could hack out on someone’s horse on a lead rein on occasion, or if commitment is shown, you could part time loan one for a summer? It does sound like a very exclusionary set up. Do you talk horse all the time at home as well?

There must be something else going on in the marriage and you are projecting the issues on the DC. This is really minor, you said yourself no issues with DSD. DSS is 13, it's not that unusual for teenagers to not be chatty. I can't imagine anyone would end a good marriage over a teenager not speaking to them EOW

Sympathy for both since both their parents have moved in unrelated people and their father is living with someone else's kid presumably more than his own. That would be a real kick in the teeth to his kids.

Anyway, it doesn't sound like the marriage improves and eases OPs life, and she wants to divorce.

Difficult if that's what you all do at the weekend and her choice is to either come along and work but not have the fun side that everyone else is, or to stay home alone when she's supposed to be seeing her dad.

I think both kids are not behaving well but I have some sympathy for the girl.

I'm not following the "end the marriage" part as you don't really discuss it in your post(s) but put it in the title. Are you thinking of divorcing because you've gone off your husband now that you know he's an inadequate parent to his children, or because you can't stand having the son visit?

If it's the former then I suppose if you have "the ick" over it, that might be here to stay and it's not always rational so not really a question anyone else can answer for you. If it's because of the son being rude when he visits and that's the only big problem, then perhaps have the dad see the son away from the house if he can't discipline or incentives him to be civil. He's not seeing him very much anyway.

I feel sorry for these children. Imagine ending up living in 2 homes where you are forced to live with a parent’s new spouse, no place that really feels like your home.

And like others have mentioned, your own son, who was not mentioned in your OP, is very key here - how old is he and do DSD and DSS get on with him?

So my daughter really is not bad at all. I couldn't live with that😒.

Did you deliberately miss the part where the op states her DSD turns down day trips and also offers from her dad to take her out somewhere just the two of them together because she's busy with friends? 😵‍💫

It sounds like they may be unhappy with their mum. If its only been happening for 3 years. Yout husband needs to step as a dad and find out. It's not an excuse for them to be rude in your own home

Or it could be that he doesn't like the new partner at all and wishes his Mum and Dad could get back together.

OP would then be seen in his mind as a reason that this couldn't happen even though she wasn't the cause of the breakup in the first place.

Why do you keep running after your step-son?

Try ignoring him completely. Only speak to him if he speaks to you. Don’t cook for him, let DH cook for him. Don’t do his washing or lifts or anything.

OP, as asked before, I'm wondering how old your son is, does he live with you and what his relationship is like with dss?

No matter how good a father / husband he is he cannot force his child to speak to you .
If otherwise your marriage is good and he isn't the kind of man who sees no wrong in his kids then i would ride the storm -speaking as a stepmother myself.
There will come a time when his kids begin to do their own thing and won't want to be spending their weekends or even much time in general with either parent.
I wouldn't pay much attention to comments on here that seem like criticism ,it's very easy for people without step kids to pass comment without having the faintest idea how these kids can make you feel in your own home.
I think i would try and find a solution so the girl can ride and maybe sweeten the boy up a little by buying him the odd treat ie computer game , may sound like a bribe but if everyone's life improves a little so what.
Good luck its hard .