To end marriage due to step children

@HP200

You haven't touched on the relationship between your own son and your husbands children.

It sounds like DSD isn't comfortable around him if she doesn't want to go to the same riding school, why is that?

Does your own DS get on with your step children?

Heard DH on the drive saying why didn’t he reply and DS said ‘I didn’t think she was talking to me ‘

THIS is when H should have taken him back in the house, explained that you WERE talking to him and stood there until SS answered you.

Your H missed a trick there and until he steps up and pulls his son up on his rudeness IN FRONT OF YOU, it won't get any better

I think your partner should work improving his son's manners. But he should be welcome in his dad's home regardless of behaviour (barring serious violence etc.). He's his parent and providing a home for him shouldn't be conditional on behaviour... it's the bare minimum.

If this makes you unhappy you should leave.

I can't even begin to understand a parent spending thousands on their own hobby rather than spending it on their child. I know lots of horsey families, but none where the parents have horses instead of the children (some where everyone has a horse. More where the parents would like their own, but can't afford to because they are spending so much on their children's as that's the obvious priority).

My sd was like this, don’t speak to me from age 11ish to when I last saw her two years ago. She made me feel uncomfortable until I learnt to ignore it and be in my home as I pleased. Don’t give up your marriage if it’s otherwise happy is my advice. Do your own thing eow and these years pass. Leave the parent stuff to dh.
my marriage is really good and in a happy place, sd chose to cut her dad off and I think that would’ve happened if I were there or not due to some things that would take forever to go on about here. We’d had minimum interaction for years and she was jealous of his own mum so it wasn’t around just me.

He’d be on his own and miserable when the reality is we now have a very good life. Should his dd ever be in touch then that will remain something between them as I don’t ever intend to have a relationship with her for many reasons but it’s not worth ending my marriage

I'd ignore Don't take it personally. I know it's hard to do .

@99bottlesofkombucha

She answered it but not very convincingly.

She said:

"It’s not as easy as ‘find a horse for her’ the type of horse she needs would be thousands and then add month costs and another livery yard as ours is a completion yard.
she was offered lessons but her dad but won’t go there due to my son riding there, explained they wouldn’t be in the same group due to levels and could be another day so no ‘watching’ each other but she said no to it"

Translates as Dad is willing to spend thousands on his own hobby but not compromise his own situation to include his DD.

There are issues between DSD and the OPs Ds which are not acknowledged.

If they were willing to make compromises all round they could easily include her, but they won't. That sends a strong and clear message to the DSD.

@HP200 actually having read your post again I think you are taking a 13 year old boy behaviour way too personally - I mean you had one of your own they don’t listen, they are caught up in a world of their own and literally speak another language.

He doesn’t hate you, he just can’t be bothered to interact with you presumably because as they are incredibly transactional there is nothing you can give him.

BUT he is being rude and that does need his father to say that actually there is an expectation of politeness when he is around

Although it all must be tiresome for you, after reading this I’m very sad for the children, they are just seen as a nuisance when they should be more of a centre for their parents. 13 year old just sounds like a classic awkward 13 year old boy and 17 year old sounds like she is trying to be involved but you see her as an inconvenience

I agree with this too. He’s just not a good dad, too selfish and lazy

She answered that.

Your dh is a bit shit at parenting. In his place eg in the example as he was leaving I’d say ‘op said something to you.’ And stop, and wait for him to acknowledge. And if he just stood there dh says ‘I can wait all day while my son shows some basic manners, someone talks to you you respond. If you truly didn’t hear which is doubtless your story, you could always try that very common phrase ‘I beg your pardon’

dinner - if my 10 yo can’t say thank you for his meal, I remove it, and wait. I’d tell my dh in your place that he can start parenting as he is the problem not the child, but you do not have to support having his son stay whenever he wants to if dh doesn’t step up and insist on some basic manners regularly, patiently, in front of him, that’s how relationships between adults work. And if he says it’s hard you say how would you know, I’ve barely seen you try in front of me, only once you’ve left the room and he can just shrug and get away with it. But I agree it will be hard, you’ve been a shit parent about this for so long it’s going to be quite a challenge. Look in the mirror and remind yourself that’s 100% on you - taking the easy, bad parenting way out for years ends up with things being tougher to get back on track, and now you have to put in the hard yards before it’s too late and we are in difficulty.

Not sure why there seems to be so much interest in the horse riding. It's very clear the step daughter has a riding option, which she declines. End of story.

OP, is it both children that have brought you to this point, or is it your stepson? Is the not speaking/answering thing only directed at you, or is he sullen with everyone? It could be he's just at that age (not to say he should be allowed to behave like that); or it could be he's punishing you or your DH. Does your DH do any hobbies or just spend time hanging out with DSS?

Your DH has chosen to live like he has no children and "graciously" allows them to slot into his life and follow him around, they are picking up on this and blaming you (did you introduce him to horses)? The fact that your DS has got in on the hobby must sting and make them feel more excluded. Your DSDs reaction to going to DSs stables is interesting and you need to explore this more.

What does DSS do while you and DH are at the horses?

It would not be normal, in an unblended family, for mum and dad to go off doing their own thing all the time. It should be even less so if the time with the DCs is limited. My DH had a horsey mum, but at least his dad was home - it did prevent him having any hobbies of his own though as nothing slotted in with the horse commitments and his dad having the three siblings to manage.

So why don't you organise for there to be a safe and reliable horse for her to learn on? The idea of making a teen hang around a stable but not letting her learn to ride, while you indulge your own passion week in week out strikes me as a perfect example of selfishness on your and her father's part. No one thinking about her needs and wants - only your own. I have to say - this attitude repulses me.

This.

Perhaps your husband could put his hobby aside once in a while to spend quality time with his DD - she’s obviously making the effort but has to tag along to something she can’t even participate in. Talk about pushing her out.

Agree with this.

Indeed. You complain of not being able to relax in your own home when he’s there. He can’t relax in any home he’s in at all, all the time. Poor kid.

The kid sounds rude but you sound a bit precious too really.

I’m not excusing him, but he’s also being a typical teen.

I have to say I agree with this and I think if the OP were truly honest with herself there's a bit of game playing going on here.

She's insistent that the DSD wants to come to the stable, she rightly says the horse is too dangerous to ride but refuses to sort out another option that would make DSD feel included. From the outside its giving off the vibe of ' this mine and your dad's thing and you're not included. you can watch us from the sidelines but never be part of it because it's our thing'. I can imagine the feelings of resentment growing inside the DSD when she's watching all this. I wonder if the DSS has picked up on this game playing and is refusing to get involved.

The reasons the OP gives are all very logical but they are not very kind. More like design to exclude. I wonder if deep down its a bit of a power play.