To end marriage due to step children

@HP200 ok let me ask you this because information is drip drip drip at the moment.

How is he at school?
Has his behaviour changed?
how long has the anger been going on?

becuase first and foremost this is not about YOU he doesn’t hate you. Nothing in what you have said indicates that:

it does indicate a 13 year old with issues - most likely step father and father related

Why do you have all the kids together EOW, then EOW with no kids in the house?
Can't you change this?
Surely the kids will be more relaxed if they dont feel they are fighting for attention.

How much time does your DH spends with his children without you?

Of course it's not acceptable to be rude, but the kid is being dragged into another person's house, with her child who obviously (and naturally) is the clear favourite. It's not his home, he obviously does not feel at home. He should not be allowed to be rude, but it's understandable he's not over the moon to have to spend time in your house.

How much time does he spends one to one with his dad, to stop making him feel so unwanted.

Is that because she favours your son though? Is SS jealous of your son's relationship with his sister?

Indeed.

I think their Dad needs to be making more of an effort to spend quality time with them, and sacrificing some of his hobby time with you at the weekend to spend time with his kids doing what they want to do. He also needs to make it clear to DS that there’s a basic level of courtesy expected in the way he interacts with you, and basically DH not enforcing that is a dealbreaker.

I think their Dad needs to be making more of an effort to spend quality time with them, and sacrificing some of his hobby time with you at the weekend to spend time with his kids doing what they want to do. He also needs to make it clear to DS that there’s a basic level of courtesy expected in the way he interacts with you, and basically DH not enforcing that is a dealbreaker.

It's so depressingly familiar.

Parents divorce and remarry and the children are expected to slot in and go with the flow. Inevitably what was once a full time parent becomes a fortnightly or weekend one, but even this is shared with the new spouse. Children cannot voice that they are not 100% happy in the situation and normal teenage angst and growing pains are over-analysed, given short shrift and seemed to be deliberate attempts at relationship sabotage, instead of being perfectly acceptable in what should be their 'home from home'. But SP feels it's chiefly their home.

Usually the newly married father stereotypically delegates responsibility for keeping the children happy to the new wife, expecting her to become mother, and fails to show any real initiative, creativity or separate involvement in his DCs from his first marriage lives. But SDC and new DC with current wife more naturally fit in.

This generation then grows up to be criticised as a snow flake generation.

Why on earth would you want to end a marriage because of two step children? It is your marriage too and it is up to you to take some sort of action, either removing yourself when they visit or your husbands takes them out for the day separately. Don't you love him for who he is? Why did you marry him if you thought you would dispose of him when the going got tough?

I find the lack of empathy for the SC by the OP surprising .
She doesn't seem interested in their feelings ,nor is she asking for advice on how to ensure that their needs are met or even how to improve her relationship with them .
She does say that she is finding her husband's response to the situation underwhelming ,hence considering ending the marriage .
She doesn't say she loves him and that this will be sad .
Maybe she does feel empathy for the SC and sorrow over ending a relationship but just doesn't express it here .
I do think unless she feels some motivation to improve the relationship with her husband and children she would probably be happier leaving the marriage .

You chose the horses you have, and you have both chosen not to cultivate the interest sd has actually shown. This could have been a great opportunity to try and connect with her better.

Are you absolutely sure there is nothing happening re his stepfather that is causing his shutdown?

Then that is it - he doesn’t hate you he is just more on the rude sullen side

which should be picked up on but not taken personally

Rightly or wrongly your SS probably blames you for having your own son that spends more time with his dad by default of living with you and now it turns out that his own sister has a better relationship with your son than she does with him. Such a tricky situation.

Snapchat is my DS’s main method of communication with his mates. He doesn’t use it with us, so we have WhatsApp but our messages can go unread/unanswered!

No one is asking you to, but maybe her Dad should. He could compromise his hobby to include his DD.

How does your DSD get on with your DS?

Eye roll. Sounds like you have a DH problem. What was his reaction when DSS was so rude by blanking you when you wished him a good week? He knew full well you were speaking to him. Did DH just say, “alright then”?

It sounds like DSD wants to do a hobby with her dad. Not riding lessons solo or going with you and not being able to ride. Just like DSS goes off on his hobby with dad and you and dad have horses. She sounds sad and feeling left out. Probably does like your horses too and naively hopes that getting to know them is all she needs to do to make them safer.

As a PP said family therapy would be a good shout.

For DSS why don't you just get on with your own life and leave him be with his dad then you'll both be able to relax.

I’m another person looking in from far away and feeling that your stepchildren must feel unwanted, irrelevant, not belonging, unable to do anything right, and I fear probably deeply unhappy

@Pastaandoranges

why can’t it be one day of the weekend be all about the kids hobbies, and one day of the weekend it be about yours and your husbands hobbies! You matter too! And it gives the kids opportunity to see that you are a human in your own right with your own interests and hobbies

So how do they communicate with one another if they don't use messaging apps? All the primary aged kids I know use Whatsapp if they have phones. What are teens doing? Genuinely curious.

my son is also 13

It sounds like this must be hard for your DSS. Another boy of the exact same age is essentially living with his dad full time, and has done since they were both little boys, whilst he only gets his dad EOW. He’s being sullen and rude, and there’s a lot that your DH should be doing to address that behaviour; but honestly, I suspect a lot of adults would act pretty sullenly and rudely if they were the ones living in the sort of situation that children of divorced parents are just expected to lump and get on with.

DSS’s feelings are being displaced onto you, because you’re not his parent.