To end marriage due to step children

So I have a different take on this. Something about teen boys is that some of them are really misogynistic. Three years ago your stepson got a new step dad. That's when all this started. Presumably given you had been in your stepson's life since he was small up until this point the relationship was ok? I'd be interested to know what the relationship between the stepdad and the children's mother is like? If the step dad is modelling poor treatment of the children's mum then your step son could in turn be treating you with the same rudeness he sees at home.

It sounds like his relationship with his own sister is also a little problematic if he is still at 13 resorting to potentially being aggressive with her. He'll no doubt be stronger than her even if he is younger.

I wouldn't end the marriage immediately but I would be demanding that DH insists on you being treated respectfully. I have three children and I insist on being treated respectfully. Both DH and I are on the same page for this and if any child in our house speaks disrespectfully to us they are pulled up on it. Same with their interactions with their siblings. It is perfectly possible even with teenagers. You can still discuss any problems or issues it just doesn't need to involve lots of rudeness.

So your DH needs to pull him up on his poor treatment of you every single time. His behaviour needs to be acknowledged as rude and unacceptable. If there is a problem he can sit and chat about it. I would encourage your DH to do so, obviously when you're not there. But day to day he should be speaking to everyone respectfully and that includes you and his sister.

It is tedious parenting teens but I think it's a slippery slope as soon as you accept the poor behaviour once it gets more engrained and harder to challenge. Often its easier to ignore it but that's not good for anyone. If your DH is a Disney dad or just lazy he might just prefer to ignore it all.

How well does your DH get on with the children's mum because if they can they should be talking about this. How is your DS communicating with her and their stepdad? I also think this age is when they can get sucked in by the likes of Andrew Tate so I would also be questioning what he's getting up to online.

I find fascinating how some people focus completely on the house being OP home, that house was first and foremost of the stepchildren, but hey, fuck them right? After all as many made clear it's OP home, so the children need to be punished!

And obviously a shitty father punishing troubled children because the stepmother said so surely will only improve everything instead of backfiring right? After all as long as she gets her deserved "respect" there's no need to address the children feelings and what made them feel like that

OP has a husband problem? The children have a father and a stepmother problem

I can only imagine how many people here later have low contact with their children and don't know why...

OP, he is a weak man who landed on his feet. I can understand the attraction to you but honestly cannot see why you would tolerate such behaviour in your home.
Unfathomable to me.

I think DSD has cottoned on that her dad is a disney dad at best, but he is never going to put her needs above his own. She clearly resents her dad but she is probably also confused about her emotions and that's why she keeps trying to involve herself at least a little bit, but I think ultimately, she has been very hurt in the past about her dad's disinterest in making her an integral part of his life.

I would carry on as normal when he is there, not pay him too much attention and just say bye when he is leaving, he is getting a kick out of rebuffing your friendliness / efforts, I think he might come round when he thinks you don’t really give a damn whether you like him or not….maybe he will learn some manners in the coming years….I wouldn’t let it break up your marriage if h uk our marriage is otherwise good

I rarely post. Will try to get to the point.

1. I get Op is ‘tired’ of being ignored in own home EOW. Anyone of us would reach that point, after 3 years.
2. Howver, DH is hands off.
3. to me, many people in op’s position would find something else to do and leave DH and dss to it. Indeed, who knows, maybe that’s what dss craves.
4. again to me, many DHs would demand ds goes back in and replies to you when he is made aware you were talking to him.
5. my question for op is, why is neither 3 +4 not happening?
6. is it be cause BOTH op and DH don’t care for this marriage?
7. how is the marriage otherwise?
8. i agree DSD and your son are nothing to complain about.
9. @HP200

A few PP have suggested that yes maybe SD is not that interested in horses but wanting to spend time with her dad. You mention also that she "gives" more time to your son and you also say she is not really the problem... And you are very busy with son's hobby and horses at the weekends. She sounds to me like she is trying to fit and and make herself useful but is maybe at the back of the queue.

It's not your problem to solve, but if your husband could find a way to spend a bit more time with her one to one that could really help and diffuse the horse thing. The obvious suggestion at 17 is driving practice. It is a really good way to show a 17 year old you care, and it's a lot cheaper than meals out. My husband and daughter have really bonded over it despite the stresses involved.

The DSD is not necessarily a difficult kid at all. Most children wants to have a relationship with their parents, the ones that don't have chosen that because their parent is shit in one way or another. She isn't blaming her SM for that, she is just not interested in spending time with her dad and he is clearly not very interested in being a part of her life either. It's really odd that you blame the lack of relationship on the children rather than the parent who has chosen to spend barely any time with them at all.

Get DD on a horse btw. You dont need to buy a horse or pay livery. Just get lessons. But if she doesn’t ride then there is no point in her tagging along to clean up horses. Find something else that is just her and her dad.

13 is an awkward age. All your examples just sound like typical, no clue 13 year old boy world to me.
I have had one of these 13 year old step boy children in my life and I remember it well. It is demoralizing OP. It really is but you have to detach emotionally. Sorry but otherwise you become trapped in it and a teenager rules the mood of the house.

Step back. Change your energy. Do more for you! Encourage your husband to actively parent in a way that gives you space. And also, take up room in that space. 13 year old doesn’t answer you, stares blankly… “oh well, all the best, cheerio…”. You have to show it doesn’t make a difference to you, that you’re the same regardless. It shows you are consistent, present and reliable.

Wrong.

She said "she was offered lessons BY her dad but won’t go there due to my son riding there..."

"But" was a typo for "by"! 🙄obviously.

DD WAS offered lessons BY HER DAD at the same stable OP's son goes to (which is now the ONLY suitable stable in the area) but DD REFUSED this offer because DD did not want to go to the same stable as OP's son.

"I remember my stepdaughter when she was 13. It’s an awful age, they’re a seething mass of hormones. The good news is it’s only temporary and they grow out of it. It’s ridiculous to contemplate ending a good marriage because a stepchild is in typical teenager mode."

But is it a good marriage?

Oh my giddy aunt, why do people not read the OPs posts before posting? OP's son does have riding lessons, he's happy having lessons, doesn't want a horse.

The 17-year old SD has been offered riding lessons, but has refused. So she's not that bothered is she?

3 of my 4 DSCs were like this and it took a while to get better. It’s much better now they are mid-20s to early 30s and have experienced heartbreaks and life in general. The youngest was always fine with me, which was a blessing as I could rationalise that it wasn’t me, per se.

My own DCs are older and had left home by the time I married my SDCs father. However, they helped me understand their step-siblings perspective. Mostly:

• how inconvenient it is to have divorced parents with new partners
• how you crave 1-2-1 time with your parent, rather than seeing them with their new partners/spouse hanging around all the time.
• having to remember different rules for different houses
• being more worried about upsetting your parents, so it’s just easier to be rude/inconsiderate to the step-parent as you don’t care about their feelings as much
• wanting to know your parents still care about you, so getting regular texts (not voicemails or annoying telephone calls) from them are a big deal, even if you don’t reply (coz only old people bother with replies!?)
• not wanting to play happy families with anyone, even if your parents were still together - you just want to be with your mates (ironic contradiction with point 2!)

So, armed with this info, I made sure they had 1-2-1 time regularly with their Dad. I used the excuse of visiting my ailing father. For a couple of years I’d leave them to it and spend Xmas with my family. (It took all the emotional load away from me and I left them to have their type of Xmas with their Dad).

I did nag my DH about sending regular texts plus reminded him about getting gifts and cards for birthdays and major life events. I didn’t get them for him, he did, but I did remind him. It took some time before he ‘got’ how important this was, as he’s someone who isn’t the slightest interested in birthdays and presents. He also said he couldn’t see the point in sending texts for the sake of it when they never replied. But now he realises how important that is, because his kids have said how much it meant to them to know he had thought of them and was just checking in regularly.

I always just can't helping thinking it must be SO hard for kids in this situation. Dad's home isn't really theirs, its his girlfriend/wife's, she often has her own kids who live there with their dad most of the time.

If they want to be at see Dad his wife is always there, they never get a weekend where its just them without you. A lot of the time children just want to imagine divorce/separation has never happened, and the always there step mum is a harsh reminder of reality that they just have zero desire to accept. Yes its shit for you but its worse for them.

Unfortunately dss didn't pick you. His dad did. So if he doesn't like you, then what can be done about it? I mean, if I don't like someone, I can't force it. Maybe he's the same? You need to either try and develop a relationship with the dss separate from your relationship with your dp, to tty form some common ground, or leave. There's no alternative. He's part if the family I'm afraid whether you like it or not.

Fair enough I missed that. I still find it odd their own dad wouldn't ensure his own horse is rideable when his dd is clearly interested though. But it seems the issue here is in fact the dh and not the op or the dc.

This is in no way a criticism but I think you might need to approach this differently.

rather than ‘you’re rude’, try something more like ‘I’ve noticed that you’re quiet around me, is there anything I can do? I know you’ve had a lot of upheaval and it’s tough.’ Then maybe ‘shall we go to XXX and get a hot chocolate (or whatever is appealing to a 13yr old) and try to get to know him. Chat about school/football/his interests/mates/music. I know it’ll be tough and he may refuse but keep reaching out. He’s still a really young child. I have DSC and found things tough but I forced myself to be interested in what they were. They were a lot younger at the time but playing Uno was my in.

I think your DH could be a better parent to his kids. I am reading that his needs come first.

HRFT but this is good advice. I also have 13 year old DSS and my circumstances are very similar to yours, been with DH a decade and he was split with DSS mum when we met.

Ages 4-10 I would have said DSS and I were close. At 13 he acts likes he hates me, barely speaks and can be very moody. I sometimes get frustrated with how uncomfortable it feels.

But I hold on to the fact that’s it’s a moment in time and it will pass, and we will have that relationship again at some point. It’s a teenage thing.

Also, it really doesn’t matter what anyone else would do. What would be the right decision for someone else isn’t automatically going to be the right decision for you.

Think about what you want, if you’re not happy and you want to end the marriage then do. You don’t need anyone else’s approval or permission to make that decision.

she was offered lessons but her dad but won’t go there due to my son riding there.

Op explained dad was typo here. Anyways ‘but her dad but won’t go’ clearly makes no sense.. so no point basing any strong opinion on a clearly mistyped sentence.

Op updated that SDD won’t go to that school because OP’s son has been doing the activity for 3 years and much advanced and jumps, so SDD does not want to be there.

There are some kids who are difficult. There could be many reasons for that. Maybe on this case there is some childhood trauma due to parents separating but OP’s SDD seems like one of difficult kids. And blaming a step parent is not going to change that.

1. She does not want to visit her dad’s home.
2. She does not want to see father outside home.
3. She does not want to go to any activity with father or op or both
4. She only wants to tag along on this activity.
5. She joined a riding school but decided to leave after 6 months as it was too much.
6. No wants to join again, that school has shut down and only 2 are working hour long distance and one of them is where OP’s son go but she does not want to go.

I am struggling to see the issue - so your DSD is fine, but gets a bit grumpy as she cannot ride your horse yet. And your DSS’s behaviour change is linked to a major life event 3 years ago? Plus he sounds like a fairly typical teenager.

He clearly feels very uncomfortable in your home, he probably doesn’t feel all that great at his Mums either- has he had support, counselling etc? Is there a problem with the step Dad?

What hobbies does he and his Dad do together? Whats his thing with his Dad that he can have ‘him’ time - and whilst I agree he should not be rude - his behaviour isn’t dreadful!

Is this a DH issue? could he have supported this lad (he is still a child) better? What else
can he now do to help him adjust? He has clearly not parented particularly well but in the middle of this is a 13 year old who is behaving in a way, for a reason.

Good. Honestly it sounds like you’ve provided a lot for him and your stepchildren, yet you’re expected to just suck up being made to feel uncomfortable in your own home. That he isn’t seriously tackling this is hugely disrespectful to you.

You’ve given your stepdaughter every opportunity to pursue horse-riding, and it’s not your fault that she’s declined. I would stop taking her to the yard tbh, as I doubt her attitude is making it a pleasant experience for you there either.

Life is short, and in your position I wouldn’t be willing to live like this any more than I already had done.

Where is dss when you, dh and dsd are looking after the horses?
Have you ever gone racing with dss?

I find sometimes boys are much deeper thinkers than girls, I understand how trying and hurtful this must be, lots of boys his age are like this with their own parents, so try not to take it so personally. He could feel that he is missing out, being side-lined, life's not fair etc. etc. totally not true, but try telling that to my middle sister : )
It could be that he's feeling like the middle child in your household, time and persistence may win out, if you want to stick it out.
I think only addressing him with open questions, a cheery goodbye with no expectation of a reply and a chin up 'your not getting to me' attitude may help.
Good luck op, I do hope for all of you this turns a corner sooner rather than later.