To end marriage due to step children

Yes, 3 years without really addressing the situation from by any of the adults

My sympathy will be first and foremost with a fucking CHILD than shit parents and shitty step-parents

9 year's, he's 13, she's been in his life since he's fucking 4, if she's only a stepmother that has no saying or obligation to him as a famiy, that was her own choice

Do I treat my teenager like shit and undesirable in his own house? No

I see a father and stepmother acting like shitty parents I'll call them as such

Pretty sure I only really called you shitty because your advice is terrible

I find interesting how you compare stepmother to handmaids, cause not even one single person said anything even close to that, only you

People simply expect the adult to be an adult

Except for the fact yes I would expect her to put up with it if it was her biological son, cause turns out antagonizing a moody teenager will make it worse, what a shock

Ok, after 9 years as his step-mum, he has ignored his step-mum for 3 years and not even replying to her hello.

Op has been very kind and patient. Time to ignore him.

No, step-mothers are not mothers. OP has no parental rights in relation to her step-son. The parent is the father. Why do you think OP needs to do the grunt work and not the actual father?

Does your teenager ignore you for years?

To quote OP:

"No only really the last 3 years - roughly around the time his mum married her new husband".

So this is recent ish behavior nobody addressed because it's easier to ignore

I think the fact that you go round calling OP shitty and anyone who doesn’t agree with you as shitty tells me everything I need to know about you.

I’m not a step-mother but I don’t see step-mothers as handmaids who have to put their own needs last and run around after a 13yo who won’t even acknowledge her existence.

You wouldn’t put up with it from your child but expect a step-mum to.

As a matter of fact, yes she did, getting into a relationship with someone with children is exactly that, thinking otherwise is pretty selfish and self-centered

Also, 13yo can't manage to be civil? Never heard of teenagers acting like that before, I'm shocked! Shocked!

She’s been modelling that behaviour to him for 9 years and he ignores her like she doesn’t even exist. Time to ignore him right back.

She didn’t sign up to be a mother. If this 13yo can’t even manage a civil hello, then guess what? He doesn’t get any of OP’s effort.

Your attitude is perfect example of shitty stepmother gets hated and ruin the father relationship with their children because they're in the middle and try to stay neutral

Really, your advices are laughably bad

You don't get the behaviour you want from children by ignoring them. You need to model the behaviour you want.

What on earth are you on about? I haven’t changed my advice at all. Ignore him, don’t cook for him, don’t do his washing, don’t give him lifts. He’s 13, not 3, and he has a dad. Step-mums don’t exist to be maids for 13yos who who don’t even acknowledge their literal existence with a hi.

Eh? I did write that and I stand by that. Why are you acting like I’m not?

He has a dad, why do you think step-mums need to take on cooking and washing and lifts? He has a dad!

On reading the thread this is quite sad. Although at no point we have been ever the perfect family, we always found time for our DCs and listen to their interests and wishes. Weekends revolved around their interests and not ours. It is a short time in their lives.

my DCs are grown up now and although sometimes grumpy with us as teens appreciate that we listened and let them explore their interests .

Perhaps you need to think about your role in the family dynamic

It's ok if she doesn't want around him, but as I already replied before that's not what you told her to do

That's not what you said though, to quote the relevant part:

"Don’t cook for him, let DH cook for him. Don’t do his washing or lifts or anything."

That's way beyond not try talking to him cause he stays quiet

She's not just an adult, but his stepmother, by doing what else you said she's not only being a shitty stepmother, but also even more immature and petty than the child in the situation

As an adult you're supposed to know better than a child

Your advice boils down to escalate a bad situation when as a supposed adult you should try to do the opposite

Running around after a 13yo step son who ignores you as if you don’t even exist is not going to make him respect her or talk to her. Sometimes it’s better to ignore them back. A step-mum upthread has explained this worked well for her. But you obviously think step-mums exist to put their needs last.

Being an adult doesn’t mean she has to keep talking to a 13yo step son when he keeps ignoring her. He wants to be silent, let him.

But why now given that the OP has been in his life for years and years. Surely the behaviour would have started younger given small kids are terrible liars.

Any chance the boys Mum has been saying negative things about you to him? Perhaps he feels it would be a betrayal to her if he got closer to you?

I bet he behaves the same way to his Mums partner.

No no no, see, that's a 4D chess move, the stepson already dislikes her, her burning the bridge altogether will make him for a 180, start liking and and magically make this a happy family

Obviously that advice could never backfire

Pure genius really

Because she’s an adult?

OP is the problem ultimately that you feel disrespected by your DH, given that he doesn't immediately step in when he hears his DS disrespecting you? Because that's how I'd feel in your shoes.

So I'd leave it to DH to deal with them when they're fighting, you just try to zone out any arguments. But he does need to keep dealing with them - in other words he needs to parent them, consistently.

Teenage siblings do very often fight like cats and dogs, they will hopefully grow out of that.

As for his DD, at 17 she's nearly an adult, soon she will just want to be with her friends, so I wouldn't stress too much about her.

The problem really is your DH isn't it? He hasn't stepped up and I think you feel disappointed at that. I'd give him an ultimatum - he starts parenting his kids, challenges bad manners every time, thinks of things to occupy them, as how things are right now isn't working.

That's of course if you actually want to stay married to him? I can imagine you're weary of all the drama and thinking of how nice it'd be to have your house back and some peace and quiet! TBH I wouldn't blame you.