To end marriage due to step children

If the marriage is otherwise good I wouldn’t throw it away based on this.

The relationship with DD seems reasonable, at least she comes out with you! You should be building on that, get her some riding lessons elsewhere. There must be somewhere she can go to ride horses.

As for the DS, have more compassion. Awkward age, lots of change. He’ll mature and come out the other side - just grit your teeth and be kind in the meantime.

And I agree with @Happyfeet234 on stepson's age. I had multiple friends at this age whose own children told them they would happier if that parent died etc. Then they are nice as pie to outsiders. It is a tough age but they do grow out of it.

With the son, I don't think having his dad keep scolding him is going to be the way to his heart. I'm confused how you'd known him for 6 years and then have 3 years of him bot talking without having a chat before now. If you can be kind then I suggest you talk to him, honestly and openly, about how you'd like to get along.

For the DD - your DH needs to rent her a suitable horse and/or lessons, it's really rude to bring her along when she can't participate.

So if you want to build your relationship with your stepdaughter I would suggest finding a way for her access riding would be the way to do it. There has to be somewhere she can ride surely? I know it is expensive and it might feel a bit mercenary but she's a teen. How does she not feel very, very far down her dad's list of priorities?

13 year olds ar hard work for parents who are still together. I’d style this part out and you’ll probably be amazing in 12 months time. Ignore everyone who’s saying how awful for them to have step parents. Another mumsnet classic.

Keep being bright and breezy and he will probably eventually come round. There might be stuff (definitely will be stuff) going on in his personal life - girls/boys, friendship groups, school, identity generally - that is absolutely nothing to do with you but you’re a convenient person to take it out on. Smile and wave and keep up the good times with your husband. Do not leave!

What quality time is DH having with his DC? What is the point of going to the stables when his DD is around if she can’t ride?

I don't know why you went into details without getting into specifics about your DSD because clearly she's not "causing any problems" and she accepts you.

So the problem is with DSS who is 13 and who you have known since he was 4. During all those years you haven't bonded at all?

Anyway, you said yourself that this started about 3 years ago when his mum moved a new boyfriend in. You can therefore deduce that his attitude has nothing really to do with you personally but all to do with him not feeling well. Teenagers can be grumpy for no reason (hormones etc) but he seems to be going through a rough patch. If I were you I would lower my expectations on him. If you know it has nothing to do with you there's no reason to feel hurt. Tell your DH that he might need counselling.

I've got two teenage boys and I think that it's important to remember how overwhelming it can be for them.

Your happiness comes first, always @HP200

If yoyr DH won't stick up for you and correct his children's behaviour towards you, go find a man who will be there for you. X

I remember my stepdaughter when she was 13. It’s an awful age, they’re a seething mass of hormones. The good news is it’s only temporary and they grow out of it. It’s ridiculous to contemplate ending a good marriage because a stepchild is in typical teenager mode.

Ah, so the stepdaughter gets to do the stable chores but no riding? That is not great, I’d be a bit miffed in her shoes. However, it is not easily fixed either!!! You can hardly go find a nice schoolmaster for her to ride on her occasional visits!

So DD comes at the weekend but can only do the jobs and is unable to experience the same kind of joy of riding that you and her father do? That doesn't sound very nice. To be honest, I can understand why this makes her "grumpy" because it sounds quite exclusionary.

DS hasn't spoken to you for 3 years? Seems to have got worse now hormones are raging around his body? Turns up at his own father's house whenever "he wants" - ya know, like kids do. But you don't seem to welcome this as it means you "can't relax in [your] own home". You do realise it's the kid's home as well because that's where his dad lives???

The 'silly excuses' are because the kids can't actually say: She makes us feel unwelcome and left out as if she doesn't want us there. They've just lost their mum (to another man) and now they feel as if they're losing their dad (to you). This is blunt, but you either need to grow up and show a bit more empathy to two children who are clearly struggling, or you need to admit you shouldn't have got involved with a man who has parenting responsibilities that you'd rather didn't interfere with your 'me' time.

I feel a bit sorry for the daughter if she is hanging round with you while you ride and is never given a go. Have you offered her lessons (at a time etc that works for her)?

Oh it’s riding. Going to read the full thread 🤣

This is both rude and quite strange that it’s worsened in the last three years. Is everything ok at their mother’s house?

I think perhaps forcing a few (brief) interactions with DSS eg you picking him up, or DH nipping to the shops when he’s round, might give you chance to broach the subject?

The DSD is trying to join in something you like and you’re not enabling her to fully do so by accommodating a different horse or supporting another activity that she can fully join in. This seems rather callous tbh.

Edited to add - if they really don’t like you then you organising DH’s birthday will most certainly be a pass from them… Could you arrange some way for them both to celebrate with their father whilst making yourself a bit scarce? Is there something they like that you don’t (sushi, Icecream) that can be a ‘them’ thing?

Why don’t people say what their hobbies are it baffles me. Unless it’s space exploration with a hamster it’s unlikely to be that outing. And gives so much more context. Although space exploration with hamsters might be too difficult / dangerous for her

Oh sorry, just seen your update

The obvious thing with the dd is to encourage the hobby and get her riding lessons.
With the ds i might be tempted to go all out and take him somewhere alone where he couldn’t ignore me and have a frank conversation - but thats just me and I couldn’t politely go on ignoring the elephant in the room.
sorry - just seen you have tried talking.

Reading over your post again, you do sound quite passive aggressive with his kids. The daughter 'tags along ', 'she will be asked and be collected' and 'didn't even wish him happy birthday '. Why can't you reframe your thinking, isn't it great his daughter wants to join in our hobby? Why should her father mind picking her up and dropping her off, he seems as if he rarely sees her if she never visits his home. He really should be seeing his kids one on one without you.

The son was only 4 when you got together, its so strange you only have type of relationship.
He's 13, awkward age. His father really needs to build up his relationship with him and spend time on his own with him. Hopefully this in turn, will better your relationship with him. It must be so hard for these kids to have to go between 2 homes and live with 2 people no blood relation to them. I don't think theyre acting that badly, my teen atm just grunts at me.

A hobby where your step daughter does not have safe “equipment” and she’s expected to “help” with it. Is it riding? She’s expected to ride an unsuitable horse? She doesn’t bother with the mucking out/horse care in between?

The stepson sounds exceptionally rude and that needs to stop now. Why throw away a good marriage for this behavior which can hopefully be addressed?

Are there other options for his daughter to see her dad outside the hobby? Are there any plans to make the hobby more accessible to your step daughter? What is she doing that is making you consider ending your marriage?

And similarly, does your step son have much time with his dad without you around?

Isn’t there the possibility of her riding someone else’s horse? A safe little plodder? I know people that own a livery yard And there’s always someone willing to help out a novice. Surely if she’s interested her dad should try and facilitate this.

As for the 13 year-old… I sympathise. We’ve barely been able to get a civil word out of our 14-year-old for the past year or so. He eats, grunts, eat some more, complains, eats, stares blankly when we try and engage him in conversation … You get the picture.

So no matter which house the poor kid is at, he has to live with someone he isn't related to and whose life would be easier if he weren't there. His parents should be so ashamed.

So you take her to the stables, which she is interested in, but don’t let her ride the horses?