To end marriage due to step children

He’s 13 - we joke that my DS didn't speak for the whole of year 9. Rise above it. Chat in a normal way, shrug off the rudeness and eventually he’ll get over it. He’s at a difficult age with a lot going on and you’re the adult - if he was your own son, you’d have to work with it.

Which brings me to the fact that you didn’t mention your own DS at all in the first post. He is surely an important part of this dynamic? Do the boys speak (similar age)? Does DSS feel pushed out by his Dad? Is your DS the golden child? I’d look at the whole dynamic and be honest with yourselves about what us really going on here.

I found the teen years much harder than the primary years. It passes.

I think you, if you love your partner, maybe just have to get through it…it gets better in my experience when they aren’t teenagers….

i got an allotment and that gave me somewhere to escape to….

My step children have stopped talking to me and frankly I couldn’t care less. They can’t tell my OH a reason apparently they just don’t like me. Fair enough. We’ve been together 12 years OH and ex were divorced 11 years before I was even on the scene. They’re grown up adults and their thoughts are a reflection of them not me. They will always be welcome in my house by default but I’ve accepted their decision and feel much better for it. We bonded really well at first I went out of my way to do a lot for them without interfering always guided by them. My first marriage I had 2 step children and we are still in contact 20 years on they no longer speak to their dad for their own reasons, I have lots of contact with their children too. I think in life it’s better to accept that not everyone is going to like you and that’s fine. It’s how you react to any situation that you have to think about.

This is quite sad though - it’s your parents job to make sure you don’t feel like that in their (ergo) your homes.

OP it sounds like riding thing is tricky but you’re bumbling along. DH should probably make more time to spend with his DC doing other stuff but that’s hard when you have horses as they’re a lot of work.

DS is just 13, he’ll grow out of it. Telling him off isn’t going to rewire his brain and might make things worse.

Only you know if it’s bad enough to end your marriage over, but factor in how your own son would feel about another break-up and all the disruption that causes.

She can’t be all that keen on horses then. She needs to be burning with desire and happy to grab any opportunity to ride.

Otherwise the investment in time and money, and all the inherent risks (even happy hackers have their moments) are not worth it.

Is it possible that your DSD is trying to like horses so that she has at least a chance of getting some attention from her dad? Because it sounds like unless she comes to the stables with you she doesn’t get to see him.

She is clearly interested. Could you not arrange a riding lesson for her? A shared hobby can be very bonding and fun.

They don't like you, sorry to be harsh but it's probably as simple as that.

Being polite and performing pleasantries as a standard expectation is reasonable but it's also exhausting.

They probably have to do that performing in both houses and to be honest I'm sure it gets exhausting after a while.

I'm sure people will say that they will be expected to do this as standard when they are adults but realistically that's only in work places and social situations, not in your own home.

They are teenagers, so struggling with hormonal changes and on top of that probably don't feel comfortable in either house. That's a pretty miserable situation to be in. I don't understand how adults can brush that off so casually because they certainly wouldn't put up with it!

It's a bit hypocritical that people are saying the OP has a choice and deserves to be happy in her own home. These kids have a right to that too but sadly don't have a choice in the matter.

Maybe try being a bit more compassionate and understanding about how they might be feeling. Their dad really needs to up his game and be more supportive emotionally. Telling them off for being rude is just going to make the situation worse.

So because I read the word that was written rather than making up my own interpretation, and then asked what OP meant, I lack comprehension skills? Ok hon. 🤣

The thing that stands out here is that the relationship was fine until their mum introduced a new partner. To me, there's something here that needs looking at. He's either badmouthing you, or there's something in his treatment of them that makes them wary.

Do you think his kids like him living more with someone else's kid than he does with them?

Living with a man who has kids is rarely enjoyable or life enhancing for a woman.

You didn't mention you have your own child in your initial post. A child that shares the same hobby as you and your DH and that presumably lives with you and DH all of the time. From experience of step children/siblings, I would guess that this is the crux of the problem. Your step children are jealous of your son because he gets more time with their dad. Your DH needs to step up here. He is the adult.

The livery yard's owner has a toddler. That's who the Shetland is for.

I’m wondering if your dh needs to take time to build his relationship with the children separately. Do you have to do everything with them? Can’t dh take his dd to a hobby and spend time with her. Also you invited them for a meal for your dh but actually it was for two of their birthdays couldn’t you have made it about both of them? I don’t think you need to end your relationship I think you and sh do your hobbies when the teens aren’t around.

Wow your hobby is a significant issue here. Your DH is a twat for not focusing attention on to his children. Any parents of teens spend copious amounts of time on their hobbies at those ages not the other way around. You are child free and get a bit of a pass here but your DH does not.

So he's a weekend dad who spends the weekend doing his new wife's hobby instead of parenting and making no real effort to involve them... he's a shit dad and you're a bad step mum.
Neither of you can dedicate all weekend every weekend to horses when there are non horsey kids. Both massively unreasonable and need to get your priorities straight.

If the kids don’t feel secure enough in their relationship with their father then they’ll never feel safe enough to include you too. It sounds like they don’t see him enough to have a strong relationship and he needs to be making more effort. He needs to find a stables to take his daughter to lessons and it sounds like the son needs more 1 on 1 time with dad too. What are his hobbies and interests? Your husband needs to be making more effort with his kids.

Maybe she needs another hobby then - I get you don't want to commit lots of money and time if she isn't fully committed but maybe accompanying you and DH to what is essentially your hobby and not hers, is the thing which needs to change.
It does sound as if she is being unreasonable re not attending your DS riding school. Why is that?

I know.

See the kids every other weekend, and all of it spent at a horse yard where they aren’t allowed to ride the horses.

No wonder they’re not that interested in their weekends together, I can’t see a 13 year old boy finding this particularly interesting.

How old are your children, and are they joint with your husband or from a previous relationship? Wondering if this is having an impact on how the step children may feel when visiting you (whether it should or shouldn't is another matter).

Oh my god dad was clearly an autocorrect for DSD.

People's critical thinking and comprehension skills on this site are diabolical

Op forces the SD to groom the horses? Is this in reality or in your own twisted version as the posts from OP don't indicate that at all. In fact, quite the opposite.

she was offered lessons but her dad but won’t go there due to my son riding there, explained they wouldn’t be in the same group due to levels and could be another day so no ‘watching’ each other but she said no to it.

What does this mean? You have a son that your DH won’t be around? He doesn’t want his DD near your DS? And now DD also won’t go to that riding school? That all sounds like important context.

Even without that, it sounds a bit selfish of your DH to spend every weekend pursuing a hobby that you and he have in common but that his kids can’t do, regardless of the reasons. How is he making time to spend with them and do what they enjoy? Early teenage boys are silent for all manner of reasons that are nothing to do with you so don’t worry about that, but in the long term you might want to think about how you either support or step back to allow your DH to be a better parent to two people who want to be with their dad (the DD to the point where she’ll shovel horse shit).