To end marriage due to step children

I’d have been flying out the door yelling ‘who else would I be talking to, you ignorant little sod?!’
I couldn’t be arsed with this behaviour, either your husband pulls him up on this crap or he’s looking at his 2nd divorce.

It isn’t a ‘gotcha’ when the legal obligation is the only thing that’s relevant here. Within that framework a stepparent gets to decide what the role of stepparent means for them. A stepparent absolutely can enter into a relationship with a parent and choose to be completely hands off when it comes the children. Again, you can feel however you like, and think being hands off is as terrible and shitty as you like, but oh well. That’s not OP’s problem.

Yes, her DH is free to leave with his children, or she can kick him out.

Yes, a stepparent is free to do that, and then later we hear the stories about shitty step-parents and how shitty parents allowed a shitty situation to happen while the children grew up

Cause really, nobody enters a relationship with someone who has a young child and expect to basically be hands free, maybe you shouldn't go for parents then :v

As for the house, ok I guess I completely missed that, it does change some of the context cause then everyone else is an outsider

It also changes one big thing, if it was his house then she was the outsider and him and the children have technically priorities over the house, she's uncomfortable enough? She could leave yet endured the situation for years, so it's on her

I didn't hide at any moment I think this entire relationship is sus and OP is maybe hiding some details about how things are

But like, I admit maybe this is kinda of a double standard, but if it was the husband house, 100% the child home, there's some room for them do be petulant cause hey, it's their house, but that's not the case, I feel if you marry someone and bring your children to their house you have even more obligation of making them act better

Anyway, it changes things because of one single detail, if it was the husband house then the children would always be expected to be there in some way for years to come, so OP choice is literally endure it or leave

But with it being her house she doesn't have obligation of welcoming any of the children after they turn 18, from the way the father is I don't think he would care much either

And before anyone try to play gotcha, I don't mean legal obligation, you know what I'm talking about so don't be obtuse :v

So OP options change from waiting it out and leaving to wait untill the son is 18 and not allowing him back or kick everyone out

Again, I do think something is sus and there's a lot not being said about how the children really are treated

But as much as I feel something wrong your house is your house, the mistake was letting it go for so long when she has all the leverage, so either force things to change or cut it out

Even if you're a shitty person and is doing something wrong you're still the king / queen in your own castle, so the uncomfortable people who gets to leave if you decide go be petty enough

It has always been just a title. What that title means regarding responsibility for stepchildren is entirely up to the individual. A stepparent is absolutely free to decide to be hands off and assume no responsibility for their stepchildren, whether you personally approve of that or not (if you don’t? Oh well). If a parent wants their spouse to be hands on with their children it’s up to them to not marry someone that isn’t offering that.

It would only be hypocritical if the same posters that said a stepfather had to assume responsibility for their stepchildren were the same ones that said a stepmother didn’t have to.

and sure. In response to:

”I'm going to make some guesses and please correct me if I am wrong.
You are a woman of means. You've been financially independent for a long time.
You own the house and your DH moved in with you. He was living in rented accommodation when you met.”

Op replied:
”In regards to finances and house you are completely right.”

The joys of getting involved with people who already have children, they won’t necessarily like you or the fact their dad is with you.

Yeah no, something changed if some people see stepparent as just being a "title"

Nobody here, not even one single person said she has the legal obligation of doing anything, but it's a fact if you enter a relationship with someone who has a child you're almost always expected to help in, that's how things always worked

Really, it's also pretty hypocritical because if it was a stepfather basically saying "not my children not my problem" some of you would be outraged and say he's a failure as a man

Could you please point me to point in what post she said it's legally her house? As in she owns it? Cause if she really said that I missed it

To me it was always in the context of "I live here so it's my home"

But then it was like middle of night and I went to sleep 6 am, so I could have missed

No, nothing has changed in the last ten years. ‘Stepparent’ is a title, that’s it. It isn’t a legal relationship, and OP adopted no responsibility for her stepchildren upon marriage. How long she has known him is irrelevant, he isn’t her child or responsibility.

And it is her house. Thankfully, she protected her assets prior to her marriage, so while her husband may live there and his children visit, it very much remains hers.

We don't know if it was always like that so there's that

But doesn't that prove both the father and the stepmother are shitty?

Boy has 4 days a month with his father and both him and the stepmother are more worried about horse riding than him and the other children

Honestly, I'm surprised he's talking with his own father either, those kids clearly feel unwanted and probably feel OP passive aggressive attitude against them

There's no family time in dad weekend, instead it's being an accessory for his and his wife hobby and fuck what the children want or have quality time with them cause their hobby comes first

I can only imagine how shit things might be on their mother side too

Those are children who in time will go low or no contact cause all the adults in their lives failed when raising them

@Tsama I do agree that she has known the boy for a long time but if the dad is an every other weekend dad then she has spent 4 days a month at most with this boy. Not much raising has been done by the dad or OP.

I also want to point out two things some keep repeating

1 - her house
It's not just her house, it's the boy house too, it's literally his home too, but a few doesn't seem to care about that

2 - some of you keep mentioning "parental rights" as if it's some gotcha moment

I don't know, did something change in the last decade?

Maybe I'm old and the times changed, but in my time when you enter a relationship with someone who has a child you enter into a relationship with the child

There's no "oh no but parental rights!" to remove your ass out of the situation when it's inconvenient

Some also seem to ignore she's been in this boy life for 9 YEARS, she literally has been there for most of his life and surely helped raised him

She's not just dad girlfriend he got a year ago so is a total stranger to those children

You say that but again, quite a few people caught there's something sus also from OP side in her relationship with the children

Nope, a few people, example, @Diarygirlqueen in the first page for example, there's other's

If the OP was to rightly kick her lazy selfish husband to touch, she has no rights to see her stepchildren after they seperate.
She has zero parental rights.
3 years of tolerating being ignored in HER house is ridiculous.

Her husband has clearly zero interest in sorting this out and establishing boundaries for his 13 year old.

Time OP asserted herself.
Tolerating poor behaviour means you get more of the same, as 3 years indicates.
Teens invariably don't wake up one morning and decide to suddenly change course.
This is 100% on his father to sort out.
He has chosen not to because he is a lazy arse who landed on his feet.

OP needs to seriously rethink her situation.
She shouldn't be allowing her own child to witness such disrespect of her, in HER home.

I have 100% caught on that these poor children are not being parented, but that’s by their parents, and that’s obvious in my earlier comments. Their dad specifically who seems lazy spineless and selfish. The op however has done nothing wrong except for choosing this man and not calling him on it.

What's his relationship with his step dad like?

Do you and DH have conversations with him together, 3 way conversations and does he ignore you then?

It does get better the older they are, my DSD was an absolute nightmare aged 9 - 16, but I just kept letting her know I was there for her, and gave her space when she stayed. DSS had his moments but we had a better relationship and he lived with us She is older now and we have a great relationship and she will come to me now instead of her mother.

Again, you are placing all the grunt work on OP. You seem to forget that the child has a father who should be taking care of his own son.

Telling shitty people they're shitty is stating the facts, it doesn't invalidate any of my arguments

Of course it does, because you’re not making arguments, just insulting people.

Quite a few people being who? You?

I would be polite but only do bare min

And yet unlike you and @nomas , quite a few people caught on OP posts that none of the children seem to exactly be really well treated and instead have selfish parents...

I expect a mother or stepmother who basically was part of the child entire life to be ADULTS

Yes, shockingly some children and teenagers will act like little shits

But if your answer to their attitude boils down to "you're not nice to me so I'll stop doing anything for you", well, you are a shitty adult, period

You didn't tell her to ignore him
He gives you the silent treatment?
Give him the silent treatment
What you told OP to do was to escalate a bad situation instead of acting like an adult

Telling shitty people they're shitty is stating the facts, it doesn't invalidate any of my arguments

she has only ever been polite and provided them with meals cleaning washing etc. There is a shitty parent here, but it’s the actual parent. No idea where your view comes from but it’s totally not fact based. The poor op has been treated like this for years and her shit partner has facilitated it instead of parenting.

You are losing it. Might be time for a coffee.

OP has no parental rights to her step-son because that’s the law. Only parents have rights, not step-parents.

What has OP written that makes you thinks she treats him like shit and undesirable? Because all I’ve seen is a woman who has been kind to her step-children for years.

You seem to be making up your own story here.

The fact that you expect step-mothers to just accept being ignored by a teen in her home for 3 years and to do cooking for him and do his washing shows that you do see step-mums as maids, especially when you make no mention that the father should be doing these things.

It’s not antagonising to ignore a step-son who has ignored your very existence for 3 years.

And when all you can do is call people shitty, then you really have lost the argument.