Remove verbally abusive boyfriend out the granny flat

Exactly. And the retaliatory pushback from them will be awful. You can't get through this without their angry / awful / horrible response. So steel yourself and take action.

@Mumofadultkid you posted at the beginning of June about the situation. What did you do at that stage? You got some great advice. It won’t be easy, but unless you take action, nothing will change.

OP - I would get some good legal advice, and evict them both. Give them a taste of managing in the real world, paying their own bills.

This sounds like an incredibly stressful situation and I remember your previous post on this but it’s clearly escalating and needs a solution now. It does sound like only viable solution will be them leaving. Your dd bf once had a good job and your daughter is well educated too so they will be able to get jobs and support themselves they just might not like it! But in the long run it’ll be beneficial to them as they seem to be existing in some weird codependent bubble of the whole world being against them.

What do your other children think? Are any still at home? How are they with your Dd and could they talk to her to try calm things a bit?

Never let you daughter have POA or be executor of your will or anything like that - she's exactly the type to rob and abuse a vulnerable elderly person. Do you have other kids?

Time to chuck them both out, not just him. Something tells me that when he's not getting a free ride off her any more, she and you will soon be seeing the back of him. Maybe one day she'll thank you for getting rid of the prick.

My DC was shocked when I told them I saw them as a user, draining me of money and resources while being too lazy to work themselves. It caused a massive row (understandably) BUT I think something went in on some level, because within a year, a full-time job had materialised and eventually, after a LOT of rowing and unpleasantness, they moved out.

Our relationship is irreversibly damaged BUT it has improved from what it was at that low point.

I'm going to sound like a horrible old curmudgeon here, making very wide sweeping statements, but... I think there is a level of entitlement to this generation. I think it comes from being parented by parents (my generation) who themselves have never had to face huge, external hardship (as in going to war, facing famine or huge difficulties). All these adult children have ever seen is a stable society and don't necessarily understand the hard work that was going on out of sight. Without an overt struggle (war for example) they think everything is for the taking and don't realise it has to be worked HARD for. My DC has no real idea of the depths of poverty I spent my childhood in, because by the time I had my babies, I was no longer poor. Despite even as an adult, them seeing me leave the house at 6.30am, returning home at 6/7pm AND working at home in the evening and at weekends, the link wasn't made.

My DC is starting to see how hard life is now, as a parent who also works full-time. Comments have been made about only having an hour a day with THEIR child and no time for housework. So it's coming.

But I'd done my time. I supported them AND continued to carry them financially way after the stage at which I was financially independent as a young person. And it had to stop at some point. But it was a fight to get that message across and it was a fight to make them see it was time for them to work hard and be independent.

I understand that you don’t want to lose the relationship with your daughter but, in the gentlest way to say it, that has already happened. She has no respect for her parents, no appreciation for the help given to her nor any care of the impact this is having on you. This is likely to get worse so you have to bite the bullet and take action.
sometimes you have to be cruel to be kind - take legal advice and get them both out of the property and away from you. Do not tolerate any bad behaviour, language or action towards you - grey rock it where you can (ie silence it; block messaging if necessary) if it’s an illegal act, such as damage to your property or threats towards you, then involve the police.
you have to be strong in both your interests and hers. She is never going to change as things stand so you can only hope she wakes up/ wises up / grows up and changes - but there’s nothing more you do for her.
write her an email etc at some stage to let her know you will always love her, have done the best for her but cannot tolerate any more bad behaviour or abuse. If and when she is willing to have a respectful relationship then that’s great, until then there can be no contact as it’s not in anyone’s interests.

the boyfriend isn’t the focus here, he’s nothing to you - it’s your daughter who is aware of how he is also treating you and doing nothing. Don’t let him become the focus when that should be on your daughter.

so get them out, take legal measures so they can’t return, put up cameras to protect your property, go limited or no contact and consider moving away.

it’s up to you: continue living like this or take action.

I’m inclined to agree with this.

Why don’t either of them work full time hours? What do they do with their time?

They see you both as money pots to bankroll their lives and nothing will change until you stop paying.

OP, sell up.

OP, they both need to be evicted.
Your daughter will behave as she wishes.
You cannot change her.
Change how YOU behave and stop accepting this awful treatment.

Get them out and protect your health, while you still can.
She will bleed you dry, they both will.

OP, this sounds awful. speak to the lawyer. But from a human perspective please be prepared that if you kick him out she may follow.

@Mumofadultkid sounds like both of them need to be evicted. if no lease then evict them as squatters!! accept that daughter's relationship with you is at the point of no return and will not improve. also, disconnect electricity to annexe. if on same circuit board, then remove the fuse which provides their electric.

When you visit the lawyer, be sure to find out what steps you're legally allowed to take regarding putting up cameras around both your properties so you are able to see when either DD or her BF approach your house or vehicles. This is for your protection and also to gather evidence.

Be prepared to record all future phone calls with DD and her BF, and keep copies of anything they send you (email, texts, handwritten notes). Next, send a letter addressed to your DD giving notice you are switching off the utilities in 30 days if there is no payment, because you can't afford to subsidise them any longer.

This is your test run to see how they react. If they ignore you? Cut the electricity/gas/water off as promised when the 30 days is up. Abuse? You'll have evidence to show the police. And if they cause physical damage it'll be recorded.

Getting them out won't be fast or easy. They will argue and be nasty, then, once they realise you're serious, will probably start playing nice to get you back to being compliant. Do not fall for it. You need to fix this before she gets pregnant because that'll be her trump card.

Let us know what the lawyer says. All the best OP.

You have to accept that whatever option you offer your DD and BF they will probably refuse or do the opposite. This was bad when you first wrote but now The situation is escalating so you now have to make informed decisions, after considering your real life options. It looks more and more like eviction may be the best option.. but find out.
The BF has become an abusive bully and you need proper advice.. or you will keep going round in circles, like you did before.

Until you take your paperwork to a solicitor and discuss what your real options are, I don't think you can make a decision on this and really you are delaying action on dealing with it because you find it too hot to handle, which is not surprising. Because at the moment its all what ifs and buts.

You also need to see a financial advisor to find a way of maybe getting a better interest rate on your loan or tacking it onto your mortgage and if its not a huge amount, consider one of those vehicles where it gets paid off by the sale of your house when you pass on ( however, I would be really really careful about that option and I am no expert. It really depends how large a sum is involved if its workable or not)...People have mentioned keeping the mobile home as a rental, air bnb and getting income on it that way to help towards repayments.
Have you sorted out your wills, etc. Do you have a trusted friend you could give your power of attorney to? Because I don't think you want your DD to assume that role in case of your illness or decline as you age. But that is an issue to deal with further down the road.

Stop discussing finances with them and attempting to get sympathy from them by saying things like "this is going to affect our pensions." All they are hearing is that you have pensions. and that you have money you can save. They see that as theirs. You don't need an excuse, you only have to say you want it back and ask why it hasn't been repaid? You don't have to justify, explain or apologise why you want the money back. Doing that will not make your DD be any nicer to you or like you more so stop trying to evoke gratitude from her. Unfortunately due to her MH that ship has sailed.
If you still want to help her, All you can do now is find a way to get her to get help to treat her condition. And please note that all the two of them ever have to do to get you to back off is to turn nasty and you roll over. Perhaps you could appoint an intermediary to deal with them.

Perhaps when you are getting advice you need to divorce your emotions and guilt from the situation and ask yourself.. "What would I do if these were two young people I didn't have any connection to.. who borrowed large amounts of money they refuse to pay back, who are writing abusive messages and making it difficult to live in my own home." And see how the options/advice apply then.
Are you worried that people will judge you, or say that you haven't done enough for them? You know you have, what does it matter what other people think?

I think you also need to discuss your relationship with DD with a mental health professional to see if they have any idea of what her condition may be and what help is available to her and to people dealing with her ( you) and see what kind of advice is available. Otherwise you are working in the dark.

You clearly feel guilty as hell, even though you've done all you could to help her... but its not a sustainable situation, its escalating and its causing you harm. If this situation gets further out of hand, you may not be in a position to help her in future.... so self preservation is not an option you should feel guilty about, but as a stranger on a forum who is no expert, I think you need to consider acting now before things get worse, but only when you have legal/financial advice.

I think it's definitely the daughter using the boyfriend's phone as she knows she's blocked everywhere else.

Are you absolutely sure @Mumofadultkid that it isn’t your daughter pretending to be him?

Id pay someone to come & remove the granny flat if its movable (like a static caravan.) from your land, if not I would be going to court to evict them
off your land.

The only thing I disagree with here is that the OP needs to find her daughter accommodation. No she doesn’t. She’s an adult. She can find it herself.

Sounds awful. Very hard not to let your emotions as parents colour your decisions about your toxic daughter.

Try and look at it this way, your daughter is filled with hatred towards you and the situation is unhealthy for all of you.

They both need to get out and if need be the police called to eject fhem.

It may be that she comes back down to earth at some point and realises how awful she has been or she may be estranged forever.

But if you continue to allow her abuse by letting her stay then there will never be any chance of reconciling.

You were too kind. The ops daughter is an adult now she has to come to terms with she raised an ungrateful cunt. Evict them both and rent out the granny flat. Her DD will continue doing this until she fucks her off. The op is trying to parent an adult it doesn't work like that. The only question the op has to ask herself is she proud of her daughter and how she's turned out?
The op needs to find her a room somewhere else and give her a life lesson.

If you change the locks and cut off electricity and pack their stuff up and put it outside what would they be able to do legally? I mean is unlawful eviction (if that’s what it would be) something they would need a solicitor to prove? Long court case time for them to prove? Flip the script. Get them out and deal with the consequences if there are any? Can they really pay for and work with a solicitor to prove wrongful eviction? And once they are done get rid of granny or sell all of it and move and then see what they can come back on? I mean two people who don’t work can they really navigate the world of unlawful eviction ? Or will they just go elsewhere (his mums) and talk talk talk but never do do do .

Not without planning permission

I would sell both properties and move and don't tell her where you are going. She is toxic person who will never see what she is doing is wrong and she has met her twin in the boyfriend. You need to protect yourself and your husband, as you say you are not getting any younger. She will latch on to your weakness as you get older and escalate her toxic behavior. Go speak to a lawyer, get her evicted and sell as soon as you can . Downsize and look forward to your retirement.

I can see this is keeping you up at night.

Kick her out of the caravan in your garden. Everyone is reaping what they sowed here. Might as well make sure you get what you want out of it.

As a starting point - could you disconnect the water and electricity. They are refusing to pay for their utilities so this is the logical consequence in the real world. They are totally delusional. You sound like lovely parents who have bent over backwards to provide - be kind to yourselves ❤️