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Original poster

Remove verbally abusive boyfriend out the granny flat

288 replies

Mumofadultkid · 25/08/2025 03:09

My DD lives in a type of granny flat on our land. She has done some pretty awful things and I have posted before and got some good advice and some different perspectives (which were all the same funnily enough), and now she is ramping up and her boyfriend has just sent us a message saying that if it were up to him, he wouldn't let her have her have a relationship with us. And his last paragraph was "go f* yourselves". This was in response to a request for more money towards electricity, as it has more than doubled, and we just can't afford it.

So, to quickly explain, my husband and I went into debt (released equity from our home) to enable them to buy this little house/granny flat. We have let them put it on our land, we are not charging them for that, and all we have asked is that they pay the loan back with regular payments. They promised they would do it within 2 years. Soon after they moved in, they defaulted on the first payment. It was one month after they moved in.

Then she stopped working, and then he cut his hours down. So they are roughly all up now on 1/3 of what they were on before. Through their decisions.

We are constantly told we are narcissistic, mentally and emotionally abusive, and we don't respect their boundaries and have been told in no uncertain terms that we are now formally estranged from them.

It really does feel like we have been played; it is our fault, we have never said no, and it seems like when we do, we get heaps of vitriol from her. In the past in panic, we have just given in ( I know! I know what you are going to say).

But now, after this email, we want to get him away - I feel like a prisoner in my own home. I just don't understand how you can speak to someone like this when we have done everything we can to help them. I get that she is feeding him with her narrative (he had a really troubled upbringing) and she connected with him as she told him "she had the same". And when I say no way, I mean no way. He had a really, really hard life. I am not sure DD knows what a hard life is, she has wanted for nothing.

This appears to be a pattern with her - and she has lost all her friends, she has one that she is close to at the moment, but she is using her ( I know that sounds awful) but she needs something from her and from next year - once she has got what she wants from her she will find a way to cancel her too, like she has all her other friends.

We are seeing a lawyer next week to trespass him off our home. We can't bring ourselves to do it to DD yet, but if we don't make a stand, I just don't know where this will end. He is very beligerant, we have made really reasonable requests in the past and he has just point-blank refused. And it is getting more aggressive. The emails and the messages are coming with us to the lawyers.

I suppose I am just looking for support. I know people will say blame the parents, and I get it. But believe me when I tell you - we have been so supportive, financially, emotionally, and physically and I just feel like this gentle parenting and not saying no to kids has really backfired on us. It feels like every time we say no we can't, we get verbally attacked. And I see how social media influencers are telling people to 'cut their toxic parents' out of their lives, without actually explaining what true toxicity is. There are people who have had a horrendous upbringing, and I don't discount that. This is not what my DD upbringing has been like.

It's making me ill, I have chest pains, and I am so stressed, and we are trying to plan for retirement and when we mention that, we just get "it's all about the money with you". We've tried to help them get ahead, at our expense - emotionally and financially.

If we let them stay, they will continue to at least make payments to the loan, but at what cost? If we ask him to leave, she is there on her own with no money, so no payments! I don't think she will move with him, and he will have to move back home to his lovely mum. We could sell it, but it won't cover the outstanding debt. We could ask them to get their own loan, but based on their income, I don't think they will get a loan.

I just feel so stuck and so sick.

It has been the worst decision we have ever made.

Please be kind

OP posts:
NavyNorris · 05/09/2025 10:21

Well done OP. That must have been incredibly hard but it is the right decision.

Could you go out somewhere today so you're not home when they get the letter?

Have you thought about renting the property to a professional individual? Or someone older looking for a place of their own? The rent could cover the loan repayment? (I know nothing about letting out property so sorry if that's a silly idea).

I hope today and this weekend goes OK and you don't need to escalate to the police.

You seem to really beat yourself up in your posts about how you've raised her, don't do that. We are all just doing our very best and when you're in a situation like this it's hard to know what to do. You sound very caring and I'm sorry that you're going through this.

ClawsandEffect · 05/09/2025 09:52

Hope today is bearable for you @Mumofadultkid when the letter is received. Thinking of you. I've been where you are. This IS rock bottom. Things will get better after this, one way or another.

GingerBeverage · 05/09/2025 07:12

Do you have a pattern of trying to buy her affection? Is she aware of this and uses it to hurt and manipulate you?

I wouldn’t expect the BF will allow her to stay while he goes. That gives up his control.

MissHollysDolly · 05/09/2025 06:42

OP, I’m glad you’ve taken advice and getting it sorted. Sounds as if there will be some tough days ahead, you’re doing the right thing x

whowhatwerewhy · 05/09/2025 06:13

This must be so difficult for you , but you’re doing the best thing for your DD in the long term. She’s obviously manipulative and abusing your love for her .
They will probably kick off when they receive the letter but you must stay strong. Boyfriend out by Monday, then daughter out by October. Sell the annex and pay off as much of the loan as you can.

Original poster
Mumofadultkid · 04/09/2025 22:00

deckchairmayhem · 04/09/2025 21:26

Seeing a lawyer is the only thing you can do. He's making you feel unsafe, and you don't know how far this could escalate.
Do you risk losing your DD over this, I'm sure they ll dig their heels in together!

@deckchairmayhem yes we will lose her, but feel she is already lost and she’s using our love for her to get what she wants - I feel so used

OP posts:
deckchairmayhem · 04/09/2025 21:26

Seeing a lawyer is the only thing you can do. He's making you feel unsafe, and you don't know how far this could escalate.
Do you risk losing your DD over this, I'm sure they ll dig their heels in together!

Treesandsheepeverywhere · 04/09/2025 21:19

Tough love is the only thing some understand.

Well done OP, not easy but necessary.

dutchyoriginal · 04/09/2025 20:29

I'm so sorry for you that it has to come to this

Silvers11 · 04/09/2025 15:42

@Mumofadultkid Well glad you have seen a lawyer, but I hope that you are not leaving your daughter and her boyfriend to sell the mobile home. You still own that and if it needs to be resold to help pay back the loan, YOU need to be in charge of any negotiations and receipt of the payment for it. Otherwise, your daughter will make off with any payment for it. Yes, it's horrible to think that, but you MUST know in your heart of hearts that's what will happen if you let her/him sell it? You really must know?

I hate to say this, but you really need to accept, hard although it is, that you have already lost your daughter. You don't have a relationship with her. From everything you have said, she just doesn't give two hoots about you, but will continue to use you and take everything she can get, if you let her. I think you are making a huge mistake in only evicting him, because you still feel that you are somehow not a caring parent if you don't help her. As long as you still have that mindset, she will continue to get round you and use you. Plenty of people on here advised you to evict them both for very very good reasons. I suspect this half hearted attempt will not improve your situation, I am so, so sorry

Dearg · 04/09/2025 14:47

Good luck Op, hope he goes quietly.

hattie43 · 04/09/2025 14:36

Your daughter has brought this all on herself . A blood tie isn’t licence to treat others appallingly . Good luck OP I’m glad you’re acting decisively.

Needtosoundoffandbreathe · 04/09/2025 14:24

It's a step in the right direction, but painful though it undoubtedly is, it is her you need to stop bankrolling. She already treats you with utter contempt and disregard.

MeTooOverHere · 04/09/2025 14:09

You need to protect yourselves first. You can't help anyone out if you are struggling yourself. Glad to hear you are taking action.

Dragonflydancer · 04/09/2025 14:09

I mean this is out of control

Original poster
Mumofadultkid · 04/09/2025 14:04

Update

After seeking legal advice we’re evicting him first, then daughter stays until they clear the loan or sell it and it’s removed (by no later than October) I don’t think if it’s sold it will cover the loan …. But that’s what we have to live with. They get the letter from solicitor Friday.

If he doesn’t go we call the police who have been informed. I just hope he goes quietly- we’re giving him the weekend to move out.

I just saw that she sold her jewelry we bought her for her 18th, it was expensive but I’m devastated she’s sold it - I suppose it shows just how little she regards it.

I feel sick - I know it’s the right thing to do after all that she has done but it feels horrible to be doing this to my own daughter

thank you for you advice, I really appreciate it - I showed my husband and he’s taken comfort and support too - thank you all so much

OP posts:
whowhatwerewhy · 30/08/2025 12:54

Did you get legal advice?

RosaMundi27 · 27/08/2025 01:09

Dear OP, I'm not sure why you're still posting this identical situation here on mumsnet again..
You've done nothing to change the situation and until you do, it's never going to change. You'll get the same advice again: get rid of them from your property.
It's really up to you.

MrsMoastyToasty · 26/08/2025 23:38

Rewrite your posts with "A woman and her BF moved into a property on my land and is now refusing to pay her way" . What would you do? You would use everything it takes to get rid of them! You have to ignore the fact that "the woman" also happens to be your daughter. You're letting emotions get in the way.

Falseknock · 26/08/2025 23:37

Mumofadultkid · 26/08/2025 22:24

@Elsvieta It's funny you should say that, as I always used to joke, 'don't let her be in charge of my care, as she would pull the plug...' I honestly believe she would too.

Show quote history

Are you ready to let go of your daughter and let her find her own way?

Original poster
Mumofadultkid · 26/08/2025 22:24

Elsvieta · 26/08/2025 08:51

Never let you daughter have POA or be executor of your will or anything like that - she's exactly the type to rob and abuse a vulnerable elderly person. Do you have other kids?

Time to chuck them both out, not just him. Something tells me that when he's not getting a free ride off her any more, she and you will soon be seeing the back of him. Maybe one day she'll thank you for getting rid of the prick.

@Elsvieta It's funny you should say that, as I always used to joke, 'don't let her be in charge of my care, as she would pull the plug...' I honestly believe she would too.

OP posts:
Original poster
Mumofadultkid · 26/08/2025 22:22

FrogFalacy · 26/08/2025 09:03

This sounds like an incredibly stressful situation and I remember your previous post on this but it’s clearly escalating and needs a solution now. It does sound like only viable solution will be them leaving. Your dd bf once had a good job and your daughter is well educated too so they will be able to get jobs and support themselves they just might not like it! But in the long run it’ll be beneficial to them as they seem to be existing in some weird codependent bubble of the whole world being against them.

What do your other children think? Are any still at home? How are they with your Dd and could they talk to her to try calm things a bit?

@FrogFalacy My other DS is away and has tried to speak to them, but he is fed up with it all and is now getting snippy with us, and I understand that. I think that's why he moved away, they have tried to get in between us and him and thankfully he can see through it, but it's still stressful for him. So we have chosen not to being him into it anymore. In the email, they even said we had lost our son! Which is absolutely not true, it's just seems like lies after lies after lies. It's hard but we do have an appointment on Thursday with a solicitor. I have been reading online about this estrangement epidemic; it seems to be happening a lot. And I know it's easier to blame the parents, I get that, and I know I am not perfect, but I truly did the best that I could. I really should have said no years ago....... hindsight! I fell for the "if you loved me you wouldn't say, do this"

OP posts:
DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 26/08/2025 19:25

Mumofadultkid · 25/08/2025 05:30

@healthybychristmas Thank you - really appreciate your kind words. My other post was so long and had more information than just what I have put here. I think we will have to ask them both to move on, either with the house or without. I don't really want to put other people in there as I didn't want it in the first place. I'm starting to realise that she could have some MH issues and has probably had them for years.

Show quote history

"I think we will have to ask them both to move on, either with the house or without."

That would be leaving it up to them to make the decision of what the best choice is... the net result will be nothing happens apart from them arguing back because you have not planned the steps for how this will happen whether they agree or not.

You should be making that decision whether they move on with the house or without it base on what the best option is for YOU and after taking legal and financial advice. Then you will know what steps to take and how to get the process started.

Caroparo52 · 26/08/2025 09:47

Tough love here op. What a terrible situation. Cut off the wifi and electric. Get advice how to evict them both

Caroparo52 · 26/08/2025 09:47

Tough love here op. What a terrible situation. Cut off the wifi and electric. Get advice how to evict them both

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