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Original poster

Remove verbally abusive boyfriend out the granny flat

288 replies

Mumofadultkid · 25/08/2025 03:09

My DD lives in a type of granny flat on our land. She has done some pretty awful things and I have posted before and got some good advice and some different perspectives (which were all the same funnily enough), and now she is ramping up and her boyfriend has just sent us a message saying that if it were up to him, he wouldn't let her have her have a relationship with us. And his last paragraph was "go f* yourselves". This was in response to a request for more money towards electricity, as it has more than doubled, and we just can't afford it.

So, to quickly explain, my husband and I went into debt (released equity from our home) to enable them to buy this little house/granny flat. We have let them put it on our land, we are not charging them for that, and all we have asked is that they pay the loan back with regular payments. They promised they would do it within 2 years. Soon after they moved in, they defaulted on the first payment. It was one month after they moved in.

Then she stopped working, and then he cut his hours down. So they are roughly all up now on 1/3 of what they were on before. Through their decisions.

We are constantly told we are narcissistic, mentally and emotionally abusive, and we don't respect their boundaries and have been told in no uncertain terms that we are now formally estranged from them.

It really does feel like we have been played; it is our fault, we have never said no, and it seems like when we do, we get heaps of vitriol from her. In the past in panic, we have just given in ( I know! I know what you are going to say).

But now, after this email, we want to get him away - I feel like a prisoner in my own home. I just don't understand how you can speak to someone like this when we have done everything we can to help them. I get that she is feeding him with her narrative (he had a really troubled upbringing) and she connected with him as she told him "she had the same". And when I say no way, I mean no way. He had a really, really hard life. I am not sure DD knows what a hard life is, she has wanted for nothing.

This appears to be a pattern with her - and she has lost all her friends, she has one that she is close to at the moment, but she is using her ( I know that sounds awful) but she needs something from her and from next year - once she has got what she wants from her she will find a way to cancel her too, like she has all her other friends.

We are seeing a lawyer next week to trespass him off our home. We can't bring ourselves to do it to DD yet, but if we don't make a stand, I just don't know where this will end. He is very beligerant, we have made really reasonable requests in the past and he has just point-blank refused. And it is getting more aggressive. The emails and the messages are coming with us to the lawyers.

I suppose I am just looking for support. I know people will say blame the parents, and I get it. But believe me when I tell you - we have been so supportive, financially, emotionally, and physically and I just feel like this gentle parenting and not saying no to kids has really backfired on us. It feels like every time we say no we can't, we get verbally attacked. And I see how social media influencers are telling people to 'cut their toxic parents' out of their lives, without actually explaining what true toxicity is. There are people who have had a horrendous upbringing, and I don't discount that. This is not what my DD upbringing has been like.

It's making me ill, I have chest pains, and I am so stressed, and we are trying to plan for retirement and when we mention that, we just get "it's all about the money with you". We've tried to help them get ahead, at our expense - emotionally and financially.

If we let them stay, they will continue to at least make payments to the loan, but at what cost? If we ask him to leave, she is there on her own with no money, so no payments! I don't think she will move with him, and he will have to move back home to his lovely mum. We could sell it, but it won't cover the outstanding debt. We could ask them to get their own loan, but based on their income, I don't think they will get a loan.

I just feel so stuck and so sick.

It has been the worst decision we have ever made.

Please be kind

OP posts:
PyongyangKipperbang · 08/09/2025 03:40

I am sorry to say this but it sounds like the person who needed to be evicted was your DD, not him.

For some reason, and I wouldnt like to say what it is, you have a very manipulative selfish user on your hands there. What you choose to do about that is up to you, but I would strongly suggest a therapist could help you and your husband decide.

MeTooOverHere · 08/09/2025 02:28

Mumofadultkid · 08/09/2025 02:04

@TwelvePercent He's gone. When he got the letter, he was knocking on the door, wanting to talk, and said he was sorry - numerous phone calls. He was angry and alludeed to the fact that DD has been in his ear.

We then met with him to have a chat, which was hard; he was very sorry, but we said Why wait this long to apologise, Then he cried, and then he told us about his mum not loving him. I actually felt really bad for him and haven't slept well. I know he has had a really challenging upbringing, too.

I also asked him what he sees with in own eyes (this was in response to one of the messages where they accused us of being toxic.) I said What exactly is it that you say you saw us doing? He couldn't answer, and then he said it was my daughter's words and that he didn't want to say anything to "make it worse" I tried to push, but he wouldn't go there. Then he said, "When you kicked *** out", I told him we have never kicked her out. I know she has been telling lies, and I do think he is seeing it. I feel so bad for him, but then he does need to take responsibility for his actions.

Anyway, he has left. He was right on time and was quite respectful. They're worried about losing the house, and we said you need to come up with a plan and let us know.

Show quote history

Good! Stand firm and stick to your guns, don't cave in.
But also good that you are communicating.

Original poster
Mumofadultkid · 08/09/2025 02:04

SuPollardsPolkaDotFrock · 06/09/2025 07:09

So has he gone? what happened when he got the solicitor letter yesterday?

Show quote history

@TwelvePercent He's gone. When he got the letter, he was knocking on the door, wanting to talk, and said he was sorry - numerous phone calls. He was angry and alludeed to the fact that DD has been in his ear.

We then met with him to have a chat, which was hard; he was very sorry, but we said Why wait this long to apologise, Then he cried, and then he told us about his mum not loving him. I actually felt really bad for him and haven't slept well. I know he has had a really challenging upbringing, too.

I also asked him what he sees with in own eyes (this was in response to one of the messages where they accused us of being toxic.) I said What exactly is it that you say you saw us doing? He couldn't answer, and then he said it was my daughter's words and that he didn't want to say anything to "make it worse" I tried to push, but he wouldn't go there. Then he said, "When you kicked *** out", I told him we have never kicked her out. I know she has been telling lies, and I do think he is seeing it. I feel so bad for him, but then he does need to take responsibility for his actions.

Anyway, he has left. He was right on time and was quite respectful. They're worried about losing the house, and we said you need to come up with a plan and let us know.

OP posts:
GingerBeverage · 06/09/2025 09:29

Mumofadultkid · 06/09/2025 03:09

@GingerBeverage we do, looking back we tried to give her everything we didn’t have - we didn’t want her to feel how we did growing up, now I can see we did this all wrong and now if we say no she takes this as a personal attack, we don’t love her and so forth. It’s our mistake and I wish we could turn back time. Saying that she had worked since 16 and got that job herself, but then things started deteriorating from that age too

Show quote history

Noticing the pattern you’re trapped in will help a lot. Talking about how you and DH feel you lacked something as children says to me you both need professional therapy to unpick these behaviours. Some scripts and tools to help change your reactions to her would also empower you.

SuPollardsPolkaDotFrock · 06/09/2025 07:09

Mumofadultkid · 06/09/2025 03:11

@TwelvePercent that’s where im
heading - FAFO is the way forward

Show quote history

So has he gone? what happened when he got the solicitor letter yesterday?

beachcitygirl · 06/09/2025 04:24

Get them both out. Offer her a place back home with you (with RULES & boundaries & NO HIM) if you worry about her - you owe him nothing - stay strong and good luck

Velmy · 06/09/2025 04:24

Mumofadultkid · 06/09/2025 03:11

@TwelvePercent that’s where im
heading - FAFO is the way forward

Show quote history

It's a good plan. I guess the small saving grace is that your daughter is still young, albeit with a lot of growing up to do. She may come around eventually.

Velmy · 06/09/2025 04:22

Mumofadultkid · 04/09/2025 14:04

Update

After seeking legal advice we’re evicting him first, then daughter stays until they clear the loan or sell it and it’s removed (by no later than October) I don’t think if it’s sold it will cover the loan …. But that’s what we have to live with. They get the letter from solicitor Friday.

If he doesn’t go we call the police who have been informed. I just hope he goes quietly- we’re giving him the weekend to move out.

I just saw that she sold her jewelry we bought her for her 18th, it was expensive but I’m devastated she’s sold it - I suppose it shows just how little she regards it.

I feel sick - I know it’s the right thing to do after all that she has done but it feels horrible to be doing this to my own daughter

thank you for you advice, I really appreciate it - I showed my husband and he’s taken comfort and support too - thank you all so much

After seeking legal advice we’re evicting him first, then daughter stays until they clear the loan or sell it and it’s removed (by no later than October) I don’t think if it’s sold it will cover the loan …. But that’s what we have to live with. They get the letter from solicitor Friday.

When you say 'sell it', do you mean someone would buy it and remove the structure from your property?
Is October realistic for that? It's only 3 weeks. I assume you'd be the one doing the selling?

Remember that if they do vacate, you unfortunately have a legal responsibility to keep any property they leave behind safe. You can't just skip it.

Do you have a plan in place for if he/they refuse to leave your land? Or if she agrees to you selling it, then refuses to move out once a sale has gone through? It does sound like they've become quite invested in their conflict with you, and would relish making this as difficult as possible.

Original poster
Mumofadultkid · 06/09/2025 03:11

TwelvePercent · 05/09/2025 11:51

I predict she will completely ignores any 'eviction' of her boyfriend and you will waste a load of money on solicitors in the process.

If you keep doing what you always did, you'll get what you always got.

Im more of a FAFO parent than a gentle parent.

@TwelvePercent that’s where im
heading - FAFO is the way forward

OP posts:
Original poster
Mumofadultkid · 06/09/2025 03:09

GingerBeverage · 05/09/2025 07:12

Do you have a pattern of trying to buy her affection? Is she aware of this and uses it to hurt and manipulate you?

I wouldn’t expect the BF will allow her to stay while he goes. That gives up his control.

@GingerBeverage we do, looking back we tried to give her everything we didn’t have - we didn’t want her to feel how we did growing up, now I can see we did this all wrong and now if we say no she takes this as a personal attack, we don’t love her and so forth. It’s our mistake and I wish we could turn back time. Saying that she had worked since 16 and got that job herself, but then things started deteriorating from that age too

OP posts:
SuPollardsPolkaDotFrock · 05/09/2025 21:30

This sounds awful. I hope he goes quietly. I think you are right in that for now at least you’ve lost your daughter anyway. Hopefully the fallout is not to stressful.

JazzyBBBG · 05/09/2025 21:11

I hope that today has been ok
And they haven't kicked off too badly...

I suspect your daughter is controlled by him (even if she's an asshole herself) and there may be abuse or coercive control at the least. I've had a very similar situation in my family. Unfortunately she married him and it took 15 years for her to realise but the start was very much like this - them against the world. Unfortunately she had to see this for herself. Be prepared for it to drag on but don't give up. Honestly one day she will realise.

Bathingforest · 05/09/2025 21:05

NavyNorris · 05/09/2025 10:21

Well done OP. That must have been incredibly hard but it is the right decision.

Could you go out somewhere today so you're not home when they get the letter?

Have you thought about renting the property to a professional individual? Or someone older looking for a place of their own? The rent could cover the loan repayment? (I know nothing about letting out property so sorry if that's a silly idea).

I hope today and this weekend goes OK and you don't need to escalate to the police.

You seem to really beat yourself up in your posts about how you've raised her, don't do that. We are all just doing our very best and when you're in a situation like this it's hard to know what to do. You sound very caring and I'm sorry that you're going through this.

Don't beat yourself up. Sometimes children live double lives and lie a lot, keeping a facade. Sometimes they are vulnerable in ways they do not show us and that blows off in uni. Sometimes an abusive man brainwashes them

Bathingforest · 05/09/2025 20:52

Get rid of both of them. Let your daughter go and work and pay real bills in the real world ....I am usually all pro daughters but not if they are like that

Teajenny7 · 05/09/2025 20:47

I hope all is ok.
Have you heard from them?
Keep safe

ComfortFoodCafe · 05/09/2025 19:00

She sold her jewellery? Sorry if this is a bit blunt but are you sure shes not using drugs?

LytesCarey · 05/09/2025 18:58

You are not doing your DD any favours by letting them sell the home - that's crazy, its not theirs to sell, its yours because they did not pay for it. Hope it goes well for you this weekend.

steppemum · 05/09/2025 14:45

Can I just say again what a PP said.
DO NOT LET THEM SELL THE HOUSE/CARAVAN

The house/caravan is in your name and must be sold by you.
if they sell it, they will walk off with the money. You will still be left with the debt.
If they do not pay back the loan, then the caravan is YOURS not THEIRS.
It has never been theirs. It would only have been theirs once they paid for it, and they haven't paid. You must hold on to the caravan and sell it yourself, unless they pay off the whole loan for it.

Needtosoundoffandbreathe · 05/09/2025 14:34

GingerBeverage · 05/09/2025 13:45

She sold her jewellery - to buy what? Are they using drugs?

I asked this earlier in thread, whether drugs were involved. Awful behaviour, lying and manipulation are a feature of addict behaviour because all they truly care about is their next fix.

GingerBeverage · 05/09/2025 13:45

She sold her jewellery - to buy what? Are they using drugs?

19lottie82 · 05/09/2025 12:26

I hope it goes as smoothly as it can. It must be very hard, but you are definitely doing the right thing. Stay strong!

TwelvePercent · 05/09/2025 11:51

I predict she will completely ignores any 'eviction' of her boyfriend and you will waste a load of money on solicitors in the process.

If you keep doing what you always did, you'll get what you always got.

Im more of a FAFO parent than a gentle parent.

DogsandFlowers · 05/09/2025 11:42

Mumofadultkid · 04/09/2025 14:04

Update

After seeking legal advice we’re evicting him first, then daughter stays until they clear the loan or sell it and it’s removed (by no later than October) I don’t think if it’s sold it will cover the loan …. But that’s what we have to live with. They get the letter from solicitor Friday.

If he doesn’t go we call the police who have been informed. I just hope he goes quietly- we’re giving him the weekend to move out.

I just saw that she sold her jewelry we bought her for her 18th, it was expensive but I’m devastated she’s sold it - I suppose it shows just how little she regards it.

I feel sick - I know it’s the right thing to do after all that she has done but it feels horrible to be doing this to my own daughter

thank you for you advice, I really appreciate it - I showed my husband and he’s taken comfort and support too - thank you all so much

NOOOOOO
please don’t feel a shred of guilt
this is the only solution
call the police at the slightest hint of any aggravation

MyMilchick · 05/09/2025 11:30

Mumofadultkid · 04/09/2025 22:00

@deckchairmayhem yes we will lose her, but feel she is already lost and she’s using our love for her to get what she wants - I feel so used

Show quote history

It's very sad but right now you have a daughter who has zero respect or consideration for you and no appreciation for what you have given to her. A harsh dose of reality is what she needs now. I would rather no relationship with my child than one like the one you have now.

ThejoyofNC · 05/09/2025 10:28

Hope all goes well for you this weekend OP.

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