Remove verbally abusive boyfriend out the granny flat

It’s pointless just getting shot of him. She’ll either be nice for a while, then revert, possibly moving him back in. Or she’ll kick off immediately, then possibly move him back in.

The only possible hope for her is the reality check you’ve been avoiding presenting her with for so long. It might not be too late for her to learn the life skills she lacks. It might be too late., but that’s the reality of the situation.

It happens to coincide with what’s best for you both too. Maybe you need to look at counselling/ therapy yourselves going forward. Also proper financial advice. In terms of consequences, you’ll need to be prepared to stay strong, call the police at the first sign of threats and or damage.

Get some legal advice on the best way to serve notice. You’ll probably end up having to evict as they won’t go quietly. Make it clear to your daughter that she alone is welcome to return once she’s civil and willing to assist with the loan debt.

Echoing the advice to sell and move on.

Remove any emotion from communications. Write that you are financially struggling, in debt, and therefore have to downsize and move. Their deadline to move out is x.

Accept that you have gone above and beyond but that you can't control others behaviour, only your own response to it. (Trite but true).

When you move, don't tell your daughter your address to safeguard yourself and meet in neutral spaces like cafes.

How old is your DD and does she have a career or education behind her? Is she not working because of ill health?
yoybabsilutely need to see that lawyer and get sound advice, and get the lawyer to send them letters. I think you could look at some costs if possible for them to either move the granny flat to a new rented location and give them a breakdown of the costs involved so it shows them that they can’t just live for free, if they throw the money thing at you just tell them yes you need to earn money to live, currently you’re sponging off of your parents like a parasite, you need to earn money yourself!
do you have any other children?
goos luck but that boyfriend sounds like huge trouble and your daughter needs a short sharp lesson in life

This!

They'd both be out by the end of today if i were in your shoes. You're enabling your daughters crappy behaviour and it's created a self entitled brat. It's time to start having boundaries with her and holding them firm.

You say they own the granny flat? I think you need to talk to the solicitors to see what the legal position is first before making any decisions.

I also think you’re putting way too much of the blame on the bf when the DD is the one in the wrong.

He can only live there if DD allows him.

It’s her that needs to change.

He is supporting his partner who has fed him a load of lies about you.

If you sold your property and annex would you better off? I think downsizing could help? Cheaper area? Yes they have behaved badly. You shouldn’t have been put in this position. Always trust your gut in future op.

I would send an email/message to them both and be very civil and say how you have lent them the money and allowed them to live on your land etc and they’ve completely taken the piss etc.

Say you have been left with no choice but to ask them to leave and you’re sorry it’s had to come to this but they’re obviously not happy living there and you are fed up with being used.

Make them feel very guilty and remind them of all of the things you’ve done for them.

Tell them that they need to contact the council and you will be willing to write a letter saying that you’ve asked them to leave and the reasons why.

Either it will start the ball rolling for actually getting them off of your property or it will give them a shock that you’re not a push over and they can’t treat you like shit and expect to get away with it.

Kick them out. Any chance it could be rented on airbnb?

Can I just add. In no way is "gentle parenting" letting them do what the f they like. Its communication and consequences.

Dd is too old for parenting now. I think you at best could ask her for family counselling but i suspect she wont agree to that

As older people we often expect people to have the same values as we have. The fact that she has chosen a bloke like this says a lot about her. My relatives daughter was in a similar situation but with child. The bloke was very controlling and it took them years and many lies to get rid of him. Lawyers etc involved. Daughter still has mental health issues as does child and this is going back years now. The long term fall out has been horrendous and often people don't go away. She has had to face him down those years for child access. Would you go no contact once you got rid of them both? Is your daughter an only? Is she weak? Someone else I know had a weak daughter who is now in her 50s and living in a caravan in some god forsaken place surrounded by the debris of her life. Think about the fallout and what you want in five, ten, fifteen years time.

I have no advice but I just wanted to give you a virtual hug OP. What a horrible situation. It will feel awful for you, but you should evict them both- they haven't paid, your daughter isn't working, and they are unkind and entitled. If you've always supported her, a dose of real life might be exactly what she needs. When you struggle, remember that her life isn't great now- jobless, stuck at home with a controlling arsehole, no ambition and stuck in a spiral of self-pity. You're going to force her to do something, and that's good parenting.

You're being taken for a mug OP and the blame being put on you is meant to control you as you constantly try to prove you're kind to them.

They know what they're doing and have you where they want you.

Two can play that game though:
As they seem so unhappy there, you've decided they should move to somewhere they'll be happier.

A shame as you've tried but clearly not good enough. Wish them the best and give them the notice.

Honestly, you need to evict them both.

They are so disconnected from reality, and have no clue what it means to stand on their own two feet, take responsibility for anything and actually pay their own way in the world.

All your daughter is learning right now is increasing disrespect for you.

You cannot control whether or not she will have a relationship with you at this point - it doesn't sound like much of a relationship any case. I'd evict them both, be very clear about why this is, let your daughter know the doors are always open for her to have a relationship with you but it is on your terms (I'd probably make some kind of therapy mandatory personally) and there would be exactly zero cash handouts coming until she gets her shit together.

Why are you enabling this dreadful behaviour and attitudes towards you, when you've done so much for her?

I think you need to realise you have already lost your DD, she may or may not find her way back to you, but right now there will be nothing you can do to win her back. So pull up your big girl pants and start the formal process of evicting them both so you can sell or rent the annex. You won't recoup your money but it will cap the losses.

As an aside I agree with @Imisschampagne , gentle parenting is not the same as not saying no. No boundaries equals spoiling and you are continuing to do so at great cost to yourself, financially, emotionally and mentally. Why?

You can tell the police your fear of damage to your property and see what they advise?

Agree with pp that you are already in debt and only you are liable for the loan.
As this situation has continued to be terrible, ‘no actions taken’ is not working and you are more ill.

Your daughter is an adult and is responsible for her actions. Sell the caravan, using whatever money you get repay them an equivalent percentage of what they have paid of the loan so far. It’s not up to you what job they do or how awful the boyfriend is, it’s her adult life and she’s not taking advice. Shes bitten the hand that feeds her and that is a lesson that will cost you and her financially. Look at this as an expensive lesson in managing trust and remember your daughters nature.

I think if it were me I’d go down the nuclear route of selling the whole lot and moving somewhere else. You can tell your daughter it’s for financial reasons (which is partly true). She can then find her own place, with or without the boyfriend.

You need to detach, one way or another, if you ever want to find peace.

Not the same experience, but similarish issue. I had to get tough and really put myself first with a DC. It meant over a year of nightmare behaviour, but the outcome of that was that it made my DC even harder to live with, which made my perspective even easier to maintain.

Eventually, they left, and while we will never have the relationship I would have liked, I now accept that. Things aren't as awful and hostile as they used to be and we can have a friendly (most of the time) relationship now. I can be supportive and do things for them (as parents like to do). BUT every now and then the old hostility rears its head. At which point I step back. Now they're not living in my environment, that is easier to do.

I guess my point is, you have to get tough. Stop taking pity on them or their situation. They're adults. They have to work things out for themselves. Until they do they'll never grow up and you won't have peace of mind until they do.

Evict your daughter. You keep blaming everything around her when you have to accept that she is just not a nice person. You recognise she is manipulative and a user and a liar.

unless you stand firm she will make you lose your house and then still ask for more. You need to woman up and stop rolling over. Other wise she will send you both to an early grave and then piss on it.

We are living in a crazy world where kind people are taken for granted, used and treated appallingly. Trust me, I know. You need to develop a very thick skin and change your mindset from one of kindness to one of driven self interest. You need to get them both out. They will call you every name under the sun so you have to be deaf as well. Good luck!

If the house can be moved can you sell it and have someone take it away?

Can it be put on an electric meter. So if they don't top it up then no electricity?

I think you have to look at the bigger picture here. I think you're going to have to take a loss with the money and see it as a big mistake but with good intentions. And don't let it destroy you as you did it out of love.

BUT, you need to get this toad of a boyfriend removed from your land and away from your daughter! He has made it clear he wouldn't let her have anything to do with you, and abusers always try and isolate their victims from friends and family. Your daughters friendship losses will also be down to this nasty pig. These men will always come across as charming at first to gain trust. It's a typical manipulation tactic.

Your daughter may well follow this prize pratt, but by the sounds of it, they won't financially survive.

If your daughter eventually sees sense, and she will one day, then you can be there for her. And she may do well to do the freedom programme in the meantime.