Am I being a spoilt brat here?

FWIW, I have an invisible disability. I care for my DM who has cerebral palsy - I've been a carer for her for my entire life as she was a single parent and it was just me looking after her when I was just a child myself. My two DC (twins) were born very prematurely and have (different) disabilities and will never live independently. My DP collapsed at work three years ago with a previously unknown neurological condition and can't ever work again. Until 2012 I was the sole carer for my DF who had Huntingdon's Disease. I was with him single-handed until he died.

My whole life has been spent around a whole host of disabilities, and still is. I unfortunately am only too aware of the limitations that the NHS has and what it's like living with chronic disabilities.

You can get as cross and sweary with me as you want. It doesn't make what I said untrue. Or unkind. I said it as gently as I could, and made it clear that I wasn't criticising.

The point I was making is that what would someone do in your position if they weren't able to access private treatment? Many, many people wouldn't be able to afford it. That's why it's not "essential". That is why it's a choice.

I didn't say it wasn't a good choice.

And I didn't say that it won't make a huge difference to your life.

I acknowledged that in my previous post.

OF COURSE if you can afford a treatment that will make a fundamental difference to your quality of life and prevent your condition from worsening, then it's absolutely understandable why you'd pull out all the stops to do it.

But not everyone is able to because they simply don't have access to any money that enables them to pay for private healthcare, especially if they're disabled. That's why it IS a choice, whether you're willing to concede that or not.

It sounds as if you're putting the money to good use and it will make a genuine difference. Your family member sounds as if they want to be fair, even if the money won't be appreciated by others. I don't think you can fault them for that.

No point in blaming or labeling yourself ("spoilt brat", etc.) for how you feel. His message was weirdly worded and while (as PPs have said) his split of the money is his choice and seems fair on some level, it could seem a little odd that he's given you the money for the needed treatment and others money for anything they want to use it for.

You know him best, but unless you have reason to think he's meaning to control or slight you in some way, I'd probably think he either prioritised helping you because of your situation and then later decided he had enough to give to other family members with less urgent need too. Or possibly someone close to him has commented that he should give something to the others as well and he has thought it over and agreed. I don't think it's unusual for someone in his situation (similar to someone making an actual will) to just decide "everyone gets x amount" even if it seems obvious that someone has greater need or fewer resources.

Feel your feelings, vent here if you like, but beyond that I'd try to look at it this way: if he'd given you a share of the money with no expectations about how you'd use it, you'd have used it for the treatment, right? And having this contribution has enabled you to have the treatment (or have it sooner or have it without going into debt or whatever the particular case is), so you are better off than you expected to be and that's a good thing! I hope your treatment goes brilliantly; it sounds like you've been through a lot.

It’s not your money so, with kindness non of your business who the money is given to and for what purpose. In your shoes I’d be grateful and focus on myself and my blessings, i.e. how lucky to have the support for treatment. Sorry to say but yes, you do sound like a spoilt brat (sorry).

The NHS isn’t an endless pit of money unfortunately. How it manages, honestly I don’t know. I imagine how it was phrased was insensitive and I do feel for you.
But also, try to remember that you are fortunate for NHS treatment and for relatives helping financially.

I think that it's maybe phrased badly, but ultimately this person has given you money to support you, and the fact they've given money to others as well doesn't change that.

It's hard to comment without knowing what the treatment is, but assuming you're in the UK it may seem to them like a treatment not covered by the NHS isn't an essential treatment. I'm not saying that's the case, but I think a lot of people would assume essential treatments are funded.

I agree with other posters that the family member has been fair. Treating siblings unequally can cause endless bitterness and resentment in later life. My sister was always the golden child and I the black sheep. It has spoiled out relationship into adulthood. If the siblings have been gifted an equal sum then its up to them how they choose to spend the money. However I do also agree that the remark about "fun money" was tactless and misplaced.

They were probably trying to keep things fair and equal, and letting you know about it so if it ever comes up, someone asks how you are affording the treatment there can be no arguments about it. If the family member can afford to give each other person the same then this does sound like a good idea to stop any family squabbling. I am sure each of the others put their money to good use. Maybe a much needed night out or a beauty treatment they wanted but couldnt justify or even for a rainy day.
I think this was a kind and fair thing to do, it also means that you do not feel beholden to them and can talk with family about your treatment if you wish without anyone saying anything about how you paid for it.

I genuinely don't mean to kick you when you're down OP. Truly.

But your condition isn't covered by the NHS? That would suggest your private treatment is a lifestyle choice rather than a genuine necessity. And by that I mean it improves your quality of life but isn't something that is absolutely required. What would you do if you couldn't find the money for private treatment? Presumably struggle along without it?

I'd therefore argue that you're choosing to spend your money on something that makes your life better. The other family members will do the same albeit in a different way.

The family member sounds both generous and scrupulously fair. That's good because presumably it means if the rest of the family were ever to benefit from something else, they'd make sure you were looped in too.

Best of luck with the treatment. And commiserations on being skint, I completely sympathise - we're going through it here too. It really sucks!

You don't know what they'll spend it on and nor does it concern you.

What you have had is money to help you. And that's a nice thing to have had.

Yeah don't let this define you OP (and do a little mini -fun thing for yourself when the money comes in)

Well it does sound a little tactless being phrased like that, but I do t think it’s something to dwell on.

I think it was incredibly kind of your family member to do this, and you do sound ungrateful and begrudging.