Am I being a spoilt brat here?

Ah right. So you acknowledge that people are different and therefore the op isn’t being unreasonable in feeling sad about this? Great, I agree.

no but I'd make sure that there was resource for both children even if it meant that the international competer couldn't do everything they wanted to. I have no kids, it didn't happen. My parents had set aside money to buy my sibs a pram for first child. When it became evident that we weren't going to need a pram, my parents privately gave me and DH and equivalent amount of money. I have never ever forgotten that sensitive kindness.

You're resentful that your relative gifted you money that you used for private medical care and then gifted others the same amount that they may use on what you see as non essential as opposed to your private medical care. You see your need as greater so feel entitlement to your relative's money and resent that the other giftees got money too. You're jealous that the other giftees have more money than you and take holidays. You're letting resentment and jealousy poison your life.

You know the saying no good deed goes unpunished? Your resentment that others got gifted money too is their punishment. You don't sound at all grateful or appreciative.

I see another poster has made the point about equality vs equity. But it sounds like there's not nearly enough money to level the playing field so I think the expectation of equity goes out the window here. It's a gift, not something you're entitled to. Relative chose to gift equal amounts of money to everyone. You chose to spend it on private medical treatment. You're complaining about the amount of an unexpected gift of money (that it doesn't fully cover the treatment) and that others received gifted money too.

I disagree. If the reading one is perfectly happy and content with the library card and assuming resources are finite as they usually are, would you tell the first one they couldn't do their activities just so they other could have an un-needed pot? I will help all my kids to my utmost but it's based on need. If twenty years down the line those needs change but the resources are gone, that's a shame but that's life.

Well that's you isn't it? People are different.

Good thing that’s not what I suggested then.

My mum helped out my sister when she needed it. I didn’t need help so didn’t get any. Why is that a problem? It wasn’t a problem to me! Never for a second whined that my mum was being ‘unfair”.

I am always speecheless when people are proud to treat their children so differently,

Of course, football might cost a bit more than rugby, so you spend a bit more on one hobby than the other, but that's not the point is it.

If one suddenly starts competing nationally or internationally, you make sure they all have the same kind of opportunities travel-wise. You don't pay for one and tell the other: you like to read, so here's a library card and it's fair 😂

Precisely @DeborahKerr. It would be strange to say to a child 'nope you don't get any help or support, that's dor your sibling only' !

my parents gave both me and my sister some money. sister has no children and spent it as she wanted. i owed my dad almost the exact amount as i had borrowed one child uni accommodation cost the year i had two at uni. i was still happy i didn’t have to pay him back even though i didn’t really feel any actual benefit.

I don't believe in punishing someone because they seem to be more successful and are financially better off at one point in time.

There's no friction to exist, they all receive the same, no judgment, no decision, what they do with the money is up to them.

knowing that they’re getting the gift solely because some money has been given to help with a specific thing to another member of the family
who said that? Apart from you

The family member might very well have decided to help at some point - they had that cash accessible after all, if it's that much when you add the whole lot, it's unlikely they just forgot about it! Might as well do it all in one go.

hold on, yes I would help both children equally!

No, it's not fair one is disabled, but it's not fair the other one has a disabled sibling either. You try to help BOTH - you concentrate a lot of resources on the disabled one because obviously he needs that, but you don't abandon the other one either.

So yes, children equally. Having a disabled sibling doesn't mean the other ones can't go to uni, or have a holiday from time to time, or get help with their first home or their hobby.

You are a parent to both, equally. As hard as it is, you don't put one completely aside because of the health needs of the other.

It's only op who's causing the 'ructions'.

You don’t deserve the money. How ungrateful you are! How your family member phrased it is none of your business. They very kindly without any ask, have given you money and then to be fair they made it equal with the others.
Yet you have still managed to find a fault.
sometimes people are in a bad position it’s because they are always looking for a problem!

its actually not clear whether they are better off than the gift giver or than the OP. I have family members who I believe are better off than me but if I won the lottery big timeI'd still give them a share from the win.

Why would I suggest that?

I think that someone who earns more than the gift giver, knowing that they’re getting the gift solely because some money has been given to help with a specific thing to another member of the family, might query that. Because if the OP hadn’t needed the money no one would have got it, would they?

I can see that I’m pretty much alone in thinking that doling money out like this isn’t actually anything to do with “fairness” so I think I’ll leave it there in the knowledge that at least in my family one person helping another out financially wouldn’t cause ructions.

@Ddakji really? Give it back because op is having a strop that her siblings got something too?
It's a GIFT, why shouldn't they accept a gift?
Although am surprised you didn't suggest all the siblings should have given their gift to op..

The complainers among those who didn’t get the money (because they didn’t need it) would be the spoilt brats and shouldn’t be entertained.

This misguided sense of “fair” just highlighted the differences between the OP and her siblings, that are already clear enough.

One would hope that those siblings, if they knew why they were being given the money, would hand it back. Especially as the OP says the siblings are better off than the giver.

So you would help out your disabled DD less in order to provide help that isn’t actually needed for a non-disabled child (to use this example)? Make someone’s life harder who already has a harder life because of some misguided and misunderstanding sense of “fair”?

I would hope that if you explained why you were doing this to your non-disabled child she would tell you not to be such an idiot. If she accepted it as her due that’s incredibly spoilt of her.

There are some cruel people on here. I agree you shouldn't begrudge the others receiving money, but I think you wanted to feel supported and cared for by your family member and the gifts to others has diluted that. I wish you well in your health journey.

the issue is not the unfairness of life. it's complaining that other family members were given the same amount to keep things fair.

The OP wouldn't have received more if the others got nothing, it makes absolutely no difference to her situation. She's lucky that someone can afford to help her out, isn't that enough?

The family member gave everyone the same and was upfront about it to avoid all awkwardness, and making sure no one can complain that Linda got more money than Sharon. Perfect and only fair way to do it. What people do with their gift is up to them.

To be kind to the giver....yes I agree it could have been better phrased, but does the giver understand how essential the treatment is? I think unless you have been there, there is an assumption that if the treatment works and is essential, then the NHS provide it. Could you reframe it that actions matter more than words and the action was kind even though the words were thoughtless? I think its absolutely right that the giver has given equal shares to all the family regardless of their financial situation. It occurs to me also that maybe not all the family know your full story and giving everyone a share of the money with that message will help to keep your private matters private. I can see absolutely why you feel hurt and feelings are feelings but all you are doing by bearing a grudge is hurting yourself.

I understand why you’re upset @alittlebitlessofme. It’s the sort of situation where the giver couldn’t possibly be criticised for being mean or unreasonable, but the way she did it sounds like it may have been manipulative or passive aggressive.

I wondered at first if you are overweight and the treatment was weight loss injections (which some people can be judgy about). Then when you mentioned chronic illness, I wondered if it’s an invisible illness that the giver doesn’t believe is ‘real’ or as bad as you make out? I’m sorry if that is the case.

By offering the money to you for treatment and then offering the same money to others to do with as they please, it’s like this person is creating a situation where you seem to be ‘choosing’ to spend the money on treatment ie as if it’s a lifestyle choice, and to cruelly force you to confront what else you COULD be spending money on, if you didn’t ‘choose’ to have the treatment.

If that rings true to you, I’m sorry, it must be very hard to deal with xxx

Yes, I would do this too.

Well I agree with this approach I suppose I was oversimplifying.

They are both on minimum wage, but have different spending habits!

It goes depend on circumstances.