Aibu to write this guy off our first night together?

Maybe. There are so many possible explanations for his behaviour, though, so personally I'd have met up with him again to suss out what was going on before punishing him for perceived slights.

I think I’d be rather put off communicating with someone who had been so attentive and lovely before getting me into bed and such a distant, cold fish once he’d sealed the deal.

Ah yes I see, I did didn't I! The dangers of skim-reading 😆

I still think when it comes to communication, it takes two to tango...

I had an XP who would turn over and go to sleep. I didn't want 'close cuddles all night' but some kind of indication that he didn't think of me as a breathing wank sock would have been nice. And it wore away at my self esteem in the end.

So I think you've absolutely done the right thing. Let him wonder why you've blocked him, with a bit of luck he'll think it was his performance that put you off. You've turned the tables on him nicely, respect.

@Beachtastic RTFT

Oh dear @Beachtastic, you did miss something crucial. In fact I’m not sure how you managed to misconstrue such a simple account. He wasn’t going to work in his ‘high power, high stress job’, it was a Sunday and he was going out with his friend in the afternoon and wanted to get to the gym early before he went. Absolutely no need for him to be so cold and distant and no real need to rush to the gym at 7am if he really liked op. These details were all clearly laid out in the op. OP’s gripe was that this guy completely changed after they’d had sex, which he clearly did.

Sorry OP, I am struggling to word this but I just don't get it!

I might have missed something crucial but from my understanding of a brief read-through, you liked each other enough to have sex. He then had work in the morning and, because you didn't, warned you he'd be getting up early. Next morning, he went into the sort of "work prep" mode that I probably would (you mention his high-level professional job, requiring mental preparation for another all-day performance). He's contacted you a couple of times since, but because the messages were not as attentive and detailed as usual you have ignored and subsequently blocked him, is that right?

You were put out that he didn't text you to check that you got home OK, when we walked you to the door and there was an Uber waiting for you? You mention roadworks in the street... are you cross that he didn't spend the day worrying that you might have fallen down a pothole on your way to the taxi?

Then you were angry with him for not making contact, although he was busy in a high-pressure job and you could easily have contacted him yourself, but refused to do so.

We're all different, but I don't see anything wrong with the messages he sent. I quite liked the first one ("Recovered yet?" could refer to the drinks and/or the sex!), and the second asking if you were ignoring him was clearly justified. To me, there's absolutely nothing there to justify your wounded pride. I don't understand PPs' big rounds of applause and delight that he is probably wondering if he "underperformed." That's pretty nasty about someone you once liked enough to get into bed with.

I'm afraid this jumped out at me:
Because on the topic, why is it on women to gatekeep and withhold sex, and make men jump through endless hoops and tests to prove that their intentions are as they lead us to believe?
Why is the onus not on men to be honest, and act like a civilised respectful human being?
From his perspective, he probably wonders why he's suddenly being given the silent treatment. You seem to be demanding the endless hoops and tests, and not being very honest or respectful towards him.

This also jumped out at me:
On the last call he told me “You’re very pretty but most importantly you’re a kind person, that’s more important to me than anything else”. 🙄
I have chosen not to reach out to him first to call things off because I don’t want to give him the satisfaction in thinking I’m bothered by this (even though I am 😅)

You could easily have met up with him again to check out whether his attitude has changed in the way you immediately assumed, but that ship has sailed now sadly.

It is boring, isn't it? Nobody has to be a people pleaser but if he wanted to see you again - even for a fwb occasional shag kind of situation - he really needed to not be a twat the minute he'd finished.

Sometimes I think men don't realise that they can be very boring with this sort of behaviour. And sometimes I think women don't realise that they can label it as tedious and bin a man off, instead of trying to second guess his intentions.

So, he texted you again?

Well done on not responding.

Men like him are not worth your energy.

Let him stew.

He's treating you like a fish on a hook, to wind in and either offer you another 'date' or drop you, according to his mood.

And the 'emotional blackmail' of 'you' not speaking to him!

Silence is priceless.

Yes, you could have replied in anger and said he was a knob, no idea how to treat a woman, etc etc.

But not responding says far more.

You're a star.

I agree - very old-fashioned - and I am 10 years older. The ouster sounds like she was born in th e 1920s.

Just read your full explanation. You’re absolutely not over reacting and TBH a lot of the time I think women can have a tendency to under react to this kind of treatment. It might be a my generation thing (I was born in 80’s) as younger colleagues/friends I have seem to be more clued up.

It’s totally rude behaviour and would make anyone feel used. Back before I met DH I dated a man who acted like this a lot. It made me feel rubbish but I stupidly put up with it for a few weeks/months as I was in a vulnerable place in my life. I eventually found my self respect/self worth and ditched him. I went on to meet my DH and been happily married 10 years, together 12 but if something ever reminds me of this time it makes me sad that I didn’t feel able to recognise it. So good for you, you deserve better than this!

trying people out til you find the right one
**
How very romantic,

This. OP, by you refusing to engage, he will be unsure what exactly broke the camel’s back. Let him sit in that discomfort; he deserves it.

Hmm, he does sound like a cold fish.

I know! It's brilliant!

So rare to have an OP with such a great outlook!!

I almost^^ feel sorry for him!! He's gonna overthink that a lot! Especially if it's the first time it's happened to him!!

I did reply to this thread a few nights ago saying that it would have been the same outcome if you had slept with him on the 4th, 5th or months in.

All those who are saying we'll if you'd have waited a few months, till engagement do you think he really would act any differently?

A good man is a good man regardless, surely? He behaved appallingly after he had finished his chase. He has a view that he's got what he wanted and therefore what (in his eyes she should be grateful for) and now is showing his true colours.

@KookySnail been following your updates and you seem like a very strong and collected lady. I did predict he'd be in touch but that's because he wants the chase and interaction and it is obviously the good time you showed him 😉. He's not happy with just casual sex as it doesn't have the thrill but equally he isn't relationship material.

As you know, good men do not do this, they look you in the eye, make plans for next date, bother to keep the interest going.

It is so good to see you living to the right principles and boundaries and if I'd had a thread like this about 15 or years ago would have saved me a LOT of heartache.

I have zero interest in cuddles after sex but holy crap, there’s no way I’d ever have treated a partner like that. Agree with you and all the other PPs, OP - he is well not worth your time and you have done exactly the right thing. Bravo! Dickhead is as dickhead does.

Glad you blocked him and you don’t have to suffer his inane negging texts anymore. Onwards and upwards!

I am absolutely loving your outlook. What a silly boy to have missed out.

Wow. So much respect for you! Back in the day I’d be second guessing myself and wondering if I misinterpreted his actions etc. I feel proud of you and will remember this whenever I second guess myself.

I'm so glad you blocked him and didn't text back beforehand. Love to see a woman who knows her worth.

If he had been as uncommunicative as this in the office and on the first two dates, there’d
have been no third. He engineered the whole date so that OP would be at his disposal and must still be operating under the illusion that “treat ‘em mean to keep ‘em keen” is still a thing two generations later. The morning after, he made it so clear that OP was surplus to requirements and now he’s wondering why she hasn’t replied to his two rubbish texts 💩

Sorry I just read your follow up posts where he is sending short messages. Yeh not sure what thats about. Sounds like some serious game playing. Blocking him and moving on like you are doing is v wise OP. Hes not interested but he wants you to fight for him - for an ego boost perhaps? Pretty sad.

Wow I feel like a horrible person, because I could very much do what this man has done - or worse maybe I may have faked the affection afterwards only to then bin later not face to face. For me, it sounds like the sex wasn't great for him, no actual connection/chemistry. I dont mean to be horrible, Im just giving another perspective from the other side. It has happened to me countless times - im into the guy, it is going so so well, we are all affectionate and the convo and chemistry is flowing, then we get into bed and Im just not feeling it. Go through the motions, have awkward goodnight and goodmorning encounters and then make my excuses and don't see them again. As I say, Im probably worse than this guy and probably fake the cuddly connection stuff just out of sheer embarrassment.

Surely its not just me? Don't a lot of people date and get excited about someone then when it gets to the sex its just not right? Im not saying people are bad in bed, just that some people aren't suited. My current boyfriend I was so bloody into and was therefore so so nervous about the sex I was just willing it to be good. Fortunately it was fireworks for both of us thank god.

I really reckon he hasn't done anything wrong other than be a bit colder than he should post shag. But clearly he just wasn't feeling it, and thats not a crime and no reflection on you OP. You weren't used, that is was dating is afterall - trying people out til you find the right one.

The beauty of doing nothing OP is that he will now feel riddled with insecurity about his sexual performance. I know that's not your intention but his change in attitude after sleeping with you was obviously an attempt to shift the power dynamics in his favour, rather than a relationship of equals, and you have taken that away from him.

Sorry he treated you in such a shabby way.