Aibu to write this guy off our first night together?

Thanks for replying, but I have to disagree with the statement that sex is casual after only a few weeks. I’ve had two long term partners (several years) before and I slept with them after about a month. I have friends who have slept with their husbands sooner than this. I don’t know if there’s a generational gap, but people don’t generally wait several months for sex these days.

It’s not even just a case of making the man wait like it’s a bargaining chip, I personally wouldn’t want to wait months. While I never have sex with just anyone, sex is important to me in a relationship and I need to ensure we’re sexually compatible otherwise it will be a waste of both of our times in the end. I slept with him after 3 weeks because he was respectful to me and made a big effort. Obviously I can’t predict what will happen after that, it’s a risk you take I guess.

posted far too soon.

Im considering calling things off when/if he decides to get in touch again for how he acted towards me after we first slept together. But im unsure if im jumping the gun, so to speak.

Met a guy 3 weeks ago. Had two very good dates. He was a gentleman. Very kind towards me. Late last week I went on holiday for my friends birthday, he remained in contact via text regularly. Told me he can’t wait for our 3rd date once I’m home. My flight back was on Friday, and our 3rd date was last night. I came to his side of the city we live in and we went out for cocktails and to watch a band play. Afterwards we went back to his which was around the corner from the venue. Everything felt right and we slept together for the first time (first time I’d had sex in over 6 months). It was very good, passionate… we both enjoyed it. Everything I thought it would be.

The second it was over and he’d ‘finished’ he exclaimed how good it was, then turned his back to me, grabbed his phone and set his alarm for 7am (on a Sunday morning). He had plans with his friend in the afternoon but wanted to go to the gym beforehand early in the morning. He said “You can stay if you want but just so you know I’ll be up at 7am” he said this while his back to be. Then went straight to sleep, not facing me. I stayed on the other side of the bed and eventually fell asleep myself, I felt awkward being there. I would have expected a hug at least afterwards, but put it down to him being tired I guess.

Alarm went off at 7am, we both woke up. I said good morning, he replied in kind. Again no touching or looking over at me, he jumped straight out of bed. We got to sleep at 2am so I’m pretty tired, but I get up out of bed myself and go to his bathroom. By the time I get out he’s looking through his wardrobe deciding what he wants to wear for the day. I sit on his bed and book my Uber, I attempt to make small talk, and ask more about his plans for the day with his friend. Again doesn’t look at me which replying. At this point I felt like I’d served my purpose the night before and was no longer nessessary.

my uber arrives, he walks me to his door, the uber driver has parked at the end of his street due to road works that had taken place over the week. He says bye to me as I walk down the road.

Ive not heard from him at all. No “did you get home okay?” Or “I had a good night” text. Nothing.

My friend is convinced he’ll eventually text and he was just busy today, but being busy has never stopped him before. And to be honest I’m a put out by how distant he was after we had sex for the first time. He knows I don’t have casual sex and hadn’t slept with anyone for over 6 months, I felt like his behaviour was inconsiderate and I feel quite used. If he does decide to reach out to me again I don’t think I’ll want to continue as this has made me view him in a different light.

my friend thinks I’m overreacting. Am I?

Did he specifically say he was looking forward to the 3rd date, using the number? There is a "thing" where women will wait until the third date to rule out men just wanting sex, but men know this so just keep the mask on a bit longer, expect sex on the third date and then fuck off.

Either way, the way he behaved after sex was at best thoughtless and unkind, and at worst to make you feel used and a bit humiliated. Do you want to be with someone who makes you feel like that? I'd message him - don't wait around on his time - and tell him you're not interested in taking things further. Take control, and leave him to wonder.

Good for you getting out there. You had a good time and you've lost nothing. Dick is not in short supply, so don't settle for another dick at the end of one.

@KookySnail

I don’t know if there’s a generational gap, but people don’t generally wait several months for sex these days.

While this maybe true I am not sure this is a good thing given how much of a shit show modern dating is and how often I hear women
complaining about experiences such as yours and constantly feeling “used”.

I don’t view it as making him wait.
It’s about making me wait so I can see if we are on the same page and I feel that can only be determined by looking at the consistency of his words and actions over an extended* period of time.

(How long is up to the individual but I don’t think 3 dates in 3 weeks is sufficient time.)

It sounds like you want a relationship and he doesn't.

Doesn't make either of you bad people.

You just want different things.

I only say this as a woman in my 40s looking back at some of what I got up to when I was in my 20s and 30s- why not wait a few months? Who cares if it's not really how other people do things? If you want something more than casual and you know your sensitive and can get hurt, why not get to know him over several months first?

I also get what you mean about wanting to see if your sexually compatible but the other side of that is- what if a guy is just nervous, you might think nah he's not for me, but if you wait and get to know each other the sex might be ten times better than if you did it early on when not knowing each other.

I’ve had two men say to me during my dating life that if a man really likes a girl then the first “morning after” he will make her breakfast (eggs etc), go out to fetch breakfast (pastries and coffee), or take her out to breakfast. It’s been true for every man I’ve had a meaningful relationship or connection with, including my husband.

Throw this one back.

Of course she feels used - she thought she was having sex with someone who had romantic feelings for her, and she wouldn't have had sex with him if she'd known he was only interested in sex and nothing more.

Can you recommend those podcasts please?