Aibu to write this guy off our first night together?

They're married now!!! 🥰 OP just daren't admit it 😀

@KookySnail did you end up contacting him? Did he ever contact you again?

Yeah if a man you just meet is acting disrespectfully and making you feel like crap, it’s not on us as women to hang around to figure them out psychologically and be their therapist or mum.

The first few months should be the honeymoon period and if he can’t even manage that, it doesn’t bode well.

You must take care of yourself first and just walk away from the situation. You see it all the time on here, women tying themselves in knots to try and see it from his POV and “understand” bad behaviour. And then 7 years on after a ring and a baby or two, they’re regretting it and wishing they didn’t ignore or explain away the signs.

The funny thing is most men wouldn’t give a new woman they were with the same grace if she acted badly, they would just exit the situation and move on. And they’re not wrong.

No worries, I just wanted to contribute something a bit different based on my own experience (which I'm beginning to realise must have been unique). Or maybe I've just read too much Jane Austen, where the romantic misunderstandings occur because words are not spoken 😉

THIS!!!!

The problem is that giving the benefit of the doubt and overly empathising/doing some mental gymnastics to understand someone takes the onus away from HER experience. She did not like how he behaved and she has the right to act on that. It is about her experience and what she likes. Not doing some mind reading to put some imaginary scenario in place over why he behaved that way.

I have done the latter so many times and I was always wrong. My initial instinct was always proven correct. I wish I’d acted based on how I felt- it keeps the arseholes away!

True but she is also reacting to how she was treated. He did a complete 180 with his personality

OP has every right not to indulge his immaturity. She is within her rights to remove herself from the equation. This is not a marriage—she has not taken vows and does not owe this bloke any “let’s stick it out and work this out” business.

I get that... but, neither has she!

The thing is what difference would one more conversation make? It could just lead to the exact same thing happening again- he puts on the act, all nicey nicey, she thinks oh I got it wrong, then he uses her again and she gets hurt again. He has shown her who he is. He hasnt even sent a nice text or called her once he has had time to think about everything.

YANBU. If I saw a man I was dating treating anybody the way he treated you I’d be off like a shot . He couldn’t even be bothered to look at you.
Respect and courtesy are basic requirements.

The follow up texts are a testament to who he is - a self serving wanker.

I’m glad you didn’t reply to either of his messages and you’ve blocked him.

The kindness not to jump to some harsh conclusions about him without having one more conversation. Sorry, but you did say in your original post that you weren't sure if you were jumping the gun. I thought that's what you wanted to discuss here. From my perspective, based on my own experience, you might have been.

I agree with your sentiment but I think in this case you needn’t be worried that any conclusions have been wrongly drawn. For instance, how would you respond to “Recovered yet?” And “You not talking (or was is speaking?) now?”.
You mention “kindness” and how Kookysnail’s date apparently prized her kindness above all else. Well where is his? Where’s his kindness in all of this? Yes, sex “is a huge transition in a relationship” as you so rightly say, so wouldn’t you think his attitude afterwards would have been more loving, more attentive? Wouldn’t a loving person explain to their date the night before, apologetically that they had an early start in the morning and discussed that then rather than it being blurted out at 2 a.m which is a bit “telling” if you ask me. Talk about having the rug pulled out from under you. How is she supposed to process that sudden shift and attitude towards her? The following day she feels embarrassed and confused. He made no effort to dispel that and just waved her on her way. Then a few days later he starts sending some childish and highly contrived minimal texts that only an arrogant misogynist would do. He doesn’t even greet her or say her name in the texts. After such a “huge transition” such as sex, I would have expected some fondness such as he was communicating previously. Maybe he had a brain transplant, or his dick was doing all the talking in the lead up.

I suppose what I've tried to express earlier, but rather clumsily, is that sex is a huge transition in a relationship and it's not just women who can feel vulnerable as a result of it. The power dynamics of feeling desirable vs used don't just work one way.

OP mentioned that he said he prized her "kindness" more than her being hot. to me, it's not very kind to jump to the worst possible conclusions about someone you had previously grown to know and like, based on stereotypes about arrogant male behaviour.

A conversation of some kind would have established better what's really going on here. Maybe he was just being an arse, maybe he wasn't. I guess we'll never know!

Actually, I'd forgotten that, but me too! which probably explains my discomfort with OP's slash-and-burn exercise, which seems unnecessarily brutal without at least a follow-up call.

I’m glad that you were happy with how you resolved it but perhaps for OP, irrespective of the reason for his coldness and change of behaviour, she just doesn’t want to engage further - which is fair enough and IMO a wise decision.

Personally I believe he knew exactly what he was doing with the lack of eye contact, short responses and rushing out to the gym.

But even if say this grown man genuinely doesn’t know this behaviour is offensive to many/most women, that’s a massive him problem that Op is under no obligation to sort out/talk about .

Too many women are roped into being free therapists for men they’ve just met.

I hope he tells his dates that before he sleeps with them then. The ones who just want casual won’t be bothered maybe but not great if he’s sleeping with women who are after something more knowing he is going to lose interest. It sounds like he could probably do with some therapy as well tbh

Yes I agree with you. If there isnt much more than a physical attraction it's very easy to lose interest once the chase or wait for it is done. Very unusual for a guy like that to wait until marriage for sex and unless the mindset changes then he will still lose interest anyway, as the poster pointed out.

Eurgh, why are you getting involved with your daughter’s sex life?

There’s absolutely nothing wrong with having sex with someone simply for fun (provided both parties are on board with it being just for fun). Not every sexual encounter needs to be leading to a long term relationship.

I dated a man that did similar, turns out he had a history of childhood sexual abuse. He assumed because I was “satisfied” I had no further use for him after sex. Nothing could have been further from the truth. I’m glad I was able to talk it through with him, otherwise I probably would have done similar to what OP has done and thought he was rude.

The material point is withhold sex for long enough and most guys like this will lose interest without first having sex with you. The withholding is normally not and extraordinarily long time. A couple of months usually suffices. I have been caught out myself by guys, who just saw me as a sex object. Be blowed if it’s ever happening to my dd if I can help it. Thus far I’ve listened to my gut even when she hasn’t listened terribly well to hers or mine and it hasn’t set her wrong.

I attached and article upthread explaining that waiting a while chases the guy, who is only after sex away. It’s true to say that there may be the occasional guy, who will doggedly continue to pursue a woman. But that’s the exception rather than the norm. Most guys like this when they realise the girl / woman isn’t going to readily have sex with them will lose interest and set their sights on (what they deem) an easier target.

Yes agree

Yes that's the case a lot of the time. The only way they would change is if they changed their mindset though, nothing to do with a woman withholding sex.