Relationships and money - is it wrong to want someone who earns a decent wage?

I would say do whatever your heart desires! I earn much more that my husband (I am on £140k and he is on £70k) but for us it’s not an issue. As he has tons more flexibility with work and he is always the one doing school runs, doc appointments etc. We have 3 kids so it’s madness. And even though he wanted to change to a higher paying job, we decided that it’s better that way while the kids are young. And yes… sometimes I wish he could earn more but I def prefer my kids to be with their dad when I work long hours rather than with a nanny. So very happy with our way of dealing with finances.

Honestly, I'm just more attracted to people who have interest in their own careers, are driven, ambitious, like to treat me and themselves to nice things. Maybe that makes me a horrid and shallow person but I suspect there's something biological in there about being taken care of and provided for, and also a linked values aspect in that I've always been ambitious, worked hard and wanted nice thingd. Also, there's an equality aspect, just practically, when you go on holiday, should you ever wish to live together, when you go out for dinner - it's tricky to have such wildly different incomes, you either pay for everything or they feel uncomfortable and stretched, or you lower your standard of living for them.
The only time I'd say I've felt differently is dating people who have careers in wildly underfunded sectors, university lecturers, nurses, science fields- where they're super committed and have strong career goals and an ethical drive to do their jobs. Whereas my career has been in corporate, well paid but ultimately dull/morally void industries. In those situations I feel like theyve made a strong moral choice which i understand. It's very judgemental of me, but it is what it is. Whatever you're attracted to, you're attracted to. I'd be tempted to make a break and find someone in a similar income bracket to yourself before it becomes a greater bone of contention

Most could work more than 2 days a week though unless there was a reason such as medical or caring responsibilities

Neither of you sound ‘in the wrong’. You can both be great people, like each other but have differing core values.

At your age there is only so much compromise you can/will do, on both sides, as those values fundamentally sit at your core making you who you are.

You sound incomparable due to this tbh. Better to realise now rather than later down the line. Time to have a very open conversation. If you can’t, after a year, or she shuts you down, either give you the answer. You also have to be prepared to state what you’re willing to agree too if you become more serious. Where is your line? Spell it out to her and see if she is willing to accept that? I have the same view as you, I need someone who has ambition and, honestly similar earnings otherwise the balance is so wildly out.

One wonders if this lovely person needs help what a burden to carry , we all have low , high income ,homes large or small , maybe large or small cars or push bikes but there seems a sort of attitude or illness one wishes her well but best on her own with out friends to be safe

You live to work, she works to live. Neither of you are wrong just different.
I think this is about more than this romantic relationship it’s about your unhealthy relationship with money which is your parents fault.
You seem obsessed with who pays for what with everyone not just your current gf.
You also seem to be attracted to people who you feel you need to look after but then you resent having to look after them because you looked after yourself from such an early age. Again your parents fault.
Maybe dating someone in your income brace could help break that cycle but you also need to break the cycle where you take your card out and atomically pay for everything because the people who your paying for think you want to treat them and are happy to pay they don’t realise that you secretly resent it.

I also wonder about her living on a very small income (2 days a week of work seems strange) but expecting you to fund her. I'm afraid it would probably give me the ick.

I’ve got no problem with people earning NW. Someone has to do those jobs, and tbh some people aren’t capable of training to earn more. Or some feel called to those jobs, for example child care in a nursery which usually is MW. But why is she only working 2 days a week?! Especially if she doesn’t have kids.

OP, I was thinking of you this evening when I was watching Celebs Go Dating. Kerry Katona was on a date (I am really highbrow aren't I?) and the bill came and she automatically paid. The guy was going to and she took the bill off him and said no I'll get it. Then as soon as they separated for the evening she said she wished he'd paid. I was wondering whether she would watch the program and see how she'd behaved. She had said that it was a problem she had where she always paid the bill for everyone she'd ever been involved with but she really resented, it yet here she was doing it again with a new guy. You have this perfectly fit and healthy woman who is working two days a week and thinks she is doing you a favour when very occasionally she pays for herself! I wouldn't be interested with someone with such a poor work ethic and who didn't want to pull her own weight in the relationship. I would just think they were childish and immature and frankly greedy and entitled, no matter how nice they were the rest of the time.

Absolutely not unreasonable to feel this way but if it were me it is very likely that I would have found out their financial position early in the relationship before it became serious.

Obviously it is now something you can address and be comfortable with whatever you decide

This x

The familiarity and ease you detect here could be echos of relationships like your parents @queryingthis

be very careful, you’re very vulnerable

She could so be playing you. Mirroring what she thinks you want to see/hear until you decide she can move in anyway and you take her under your wing.

do you have a habit of saving people?

your family upbringing of abuse and manipulation could very well be repeated and this women could change the minute she’s got herself nestled into your life.

youre not on the same level, you’ll want more and deserve better.

It's not wrong. But it's also the reason I won't be in a relationship again. I like women. I'm mid fourties', renting, and limited to the work I can do due to my ongoing health issues, my previous debilitating illnesses and my childrens physical and mental health and education. I'm aware that financially I'm not attractive. I'm also aware that I've always worked as many hours as I possibly could, when I was well I worked the equivalent of two full time jobs. I also was educated about money, had a difficult childhood and I've been a single parent for 15 years. In regards to your relationship, it sounds like there are many things mismatched. However, I also know I'd hate to be looked down upon in regards to my situation which doesn't sound too dissimilar on paper. So I don't put myself out there.

Its mot wrong to feel or think like this but have a plan. Illness, redundancy etc can hit anyone out of the blue

No it’s not wrong.

I think you already know you need to end this as it’s not going anywhere. They don’t live in same town either so no bumping into each other.

wow. Your parents were wilder than mine! I had to pay a third of everything I earned to them. And money was always controlling people. One day I realised I live in my rented house and have a job. I don’t need them to control my money anymore. They weren’t happy after all they did for me!!!

it wasn’t like they saved it all for me and gave it back as a grand gesture like some people do.

I think you need to be on your own for a bit and work out what you want and make connections with friends locally so you aren’t lonely. I wfh and it sucks. I hate it and I’m looking for an office job!

set out ground rules at start of any new relationship that you will pay your own way.

I think the heart often wants equality, support, shared ambition etc. If you read the OP it's about more than money.

Does the heart ever really want money though?

Neither of you are unreasonable, you just may be incompatible.

What your parents did is appalling though. What on earth did you do for money at 13?