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Original poster

To forgive DP

86 replies

Abitstunned25 · 24/08/2025 18:30

Been with my DP a couple of years, there’s no form for this behaviour so I’m a bit shocked tbh. He went to a reunion with his old army mates last night. I knew it would be messy but when I hadn’t heard from him by this morning I was worried (I woke about 4am). He was staying with his mate in a different county so I wasn’t expecting him home but he’s never silent, he always messages even when he’s pissed. Anyway, about 6am he must have come to and seen my message. He phoned me straight away ( video call) and he’s clearly off his face. He told me they took coke. One of the lads brought it for old times sake. He’s nearly 50 FFS. He can’t remember getting back, he doesn’t know what time, he thinks they went to someone’s house.

he’s In bits, really sorry, blah blah. Swears he’ll never be so stupid again. He’s out cold in bed now while I’m alternating between sad, angry and worried more happened than he’s saying

OP posts:
grumpygrape · 24/08/2025 21:29

Well, OP, you've had your answers. Everything from brush it off to LTB.
It's your choice but for me the killer would be the coke and the loss of memory. Some people think coke is no big deal but I do.
Take your time, think about it and do what you feel is right. 🤗🥰

Athreedoorwardrobe · 24/08/2025 21:29

If there's literally nothing else to this then yes I'd forgive him.
I'd not be best pleased.. he's 50! He needs to take good care of his heart!
But if you are saying this is unusual behaviour for him... then I'd accept his apology and draw a line under it.
It was a stupid choice. We've all made them in our lives.

SALaw · 24/08/2025 21:27

Anyone who thinks “it’s just a bit of coke” and better than alcohol should watch “Operation Dark Phone” on Channel 4 to see how people buying coke are funding organised crime, murder, torture etc. it would be a red line for me.

Americano75 · 24/08/2025 21:26

Abitstunned25 · 24/08/2025 21:25

He asked his mate what he remembered

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It may well be totally innocent, just been a bit of a night of it.

Original poster
Abitstunned25 · 24/08/2025 21:25

Americano75 · 24/08/2025 21:23

Is he 'remembering' this new info or has someone reminded him?

He asked his mate what he remembered

OP posts:
Americano75 · 24/08/2025 21:23

Is he 'remembering' this new info or has someone reminded him?

Original poster
Abitstunned25 · 24/08/2025 20:54

He swears nothing happened with the women. I just don’t know. We were talking just last week about how his ex had small ‘parties’ at her flat when he wasn’t there and there were loads of blokes. He said even if nothing happened, it seemed disrespectful to their relationship and I agree 100% - feels like he is hypocritical now

OP posts:
Original poster
Abitstunned25 · 24/08/2025 20:40

So there’s a bit more info. The strangers house was a bloke they met in the bar, and there were 2 women there too. So it was my DP, a couple of his mates, another bloke and 2 girls

OP posts:
AnHourToAnywhere · 24/08/2025 20:27

I’d dump him, a bloke that does coke whose behaviour changes like that with friends isn’t for me.

IsItTheBlackOneOrTheRedOne · 24/08/2025 20:16

Abitstunned25 · 24/08/2025 18:54

A brothel??! That didn’t enter my head, I was thinking more of a party in a flat or something

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No, why would a brothel enter your head? That poster is deranged. It’s not an ideal situation but fuck, he has not done anything wrong other than enjoy a night out. People in their 50s are still capable of doing so x

Btowngirl · 24/08/2025 20:07

If he’s in his 50’s & was in the army, he’s probably gone through a lot with these friends. Whilst I’m not saying it’s ok behaviour, I do genuinely believe the ‘for old times sake’ mentality as I’ve seen it (working in the armed forces). I reckon the hangover today and being mortified to admit it to you will have taught him a bit of a lesson. Obviously have the conversation for the missing info but it doesn’t scream LTB to me tbh.

Vodkamartini3olives · 24/08/2025 19:57

Not sure he's done anything that needs to be forgiven?. He's away for a reunion, had a wild night & done a bit of blow. Doesn't sound like it's a regular occurrence or anything to be worried about. If he's staying with a friend I would assume he went to the house of someone they know to carry on the party.

AbzMoz · 24/08/2025 19:51

I think nothing will come from fretting about it now. Tomorrow you’re due a chat over breakfast about the parts that you’re struggling with with this situation - be that his past, the coke, the army buddies, the strangers’ house …
I fear you’ll only find whatifs and IMEs here. If you can have a calm evening - with a bath/book/film, then do. Tomorrow is another day.

Original poster
Abitstunned25 · 24/08/2025 19:50

It’s really useful to hear others perspectives on this. Thank you for all the replies so far.

OP posts:
Dontlletmedownbruce · 24/08/2025 19:43

I don't think its fair to believe that he did something you need to forgive. Its nothing to do with you really. He had a big night out with old friends and took some recreational drugs. It's really not a big deal. 50 yr olds are allowed let loose sometimes too. I would be curious about his past, he obviously used to take coke regularly when younger with these guys and it seems strange he never told you about this. I'd be more concerned with the lack of honesty about his past than his massive hangover to be honest

Newsenmum · 24/08/2025 19:39

Sorry op. I’m being judgemental but’ ‘ex army’ wouldve been a red flag with the night out. Has he gone out with these guys before since youve been together? The fact he ‘can’t remember’ would concern me and Id worry about sex/STIs.

Cutleryclaire · 24/08/2025 19:38

If it’s a one off and not a regular thing it wouldn’t bother me one bit. In fact I’d prefer it to being totally legless on alcohol eg vomming.

I think going a bit overboard once every couple of years isn’t a big deal.

MyLimeGuide · 24/08/2025 19:36

Doesn't sound like that big a deal IMO

notimeforregrets · 24/08/2025 19:34

What do you want to forgive him? You need to decide whether you want to be with someone who took coke or not. That's it.

Americano75 · 24/08/2025 19:26

I would wonder if he was leaving anything out, confessing to the bare minimum he can get away with.

Plus ex army? Ooooft no.

hididdlyho · 24/08/2025 19:02

Abitstunned25 · 24/08/2025 18:56

No, I have 2 kids and he has 1 from previous relationships

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I think if your instinct is to be shocked because taking drugs isn't something you're morally ok with, then you should listen to that and consider whether it's something you are fine with exposing your child to. If he's 'fessed up to taking coke' then it's something he finds possibly a bit shameful, but basically ok so will do again if the opportunity presents itself.

Original poster
Abitstunned25 · 24/08/2025 18:56

hididdlyho · 24/08/2025 18:54

Yeah, if you've only been with him a couple of years and he's 50, I'd be reconsidering the relationship. Doing coke at 50 just for nostalgia is a bit grim. Are they kids you have with him?

No, I have 2 kids and he has 1 from previous relationships

OP posts:
hididdlyho · 24/08/2025 18:54

Yeah, if you've only been with him a couple of years and he's 50, I'd be reconsidering the relationship. Doing coke at 50 just for nostalgia is a bit grim. Are they kids you have with him?

Original poster
Abitstunned25 · 24/08/2025 18:54

Ohlifelife · 24/08/2025 18:52

You need to talk about this when he comes home.

He needs to tell you the whole truth so that you can make an informed decision about what to do going forward.

I'm sorry OP but him describing it as " some strangers house" doesnt sound good. It sounds as though he and his friends have visited a brothel .

A brothel??! That didn’t enter my head, I was thinking more of a party in a flat or something

OP posts:
Ohlifelife · 24/08/2025 18:52

You need to talk about this when he comes home.

He needs to tell you the whole truth so that you can make an informed decision about what to do going forward.

I'm sorry OP but him describing it as " some strangers house" doesnt sound good. It sounds as though he and his friends have visited a brothel .