To forgive DP

Oh dear. So sorry but this does not sound good.
Also second the comment above about coke not causing amnesia. It makes you more alert.

It’s possible (likely) that you’ve never seen this side of him before but that it will appear every time they get together - whether that’s every month or every ten years - but never at any other times.

Army/ex army get-togethers are generally wild and they do revert back to how they were in the old days. They have a very unique bond for the most part.

My husband doesn’t go to ex army social events although he does stay in touch on social media/whatsapp for this reason - the nights out are the same type of regression (albeit a really good laugh I assume) and he just isn’t in the same place any more. I don’t care either way and have never expressed a viewpoint in either direction, but he made his choose over a decade ago and has never wavered on it.

Based on what I know, I can genuinely believe this was a one off rather than part of who he actually is - but I would also say expect the same next time they meet up (if they do, if that makes sense). If they don’t meet up again, I wouldn’t expect him to be doing anything like it again if it’s not the norm for him. But if they do, assume the night will go the same way.

😂
Alcohol lowers my inhibitions. I don’t go and shag a prostitute after a couple of glasses of Pinot.

And none of my friends are druggies.

Have a wonderful day x

It's just that you seem to have painted a picture in your head of a Guy Richie film or Martina Cole novel of anyone who takes coke, when the reality isn't always that straight forward.
It's like someone picturing a vegan as a yoga loving, yoghurt knitting tree hugger, if you see what I mean.

It's well known that cocaine use lowers inhibitions and many cocaine users indulge in risky sexual behaviour as a result. This includes casual sexual partners and using escorts and prostitutes.
It's not hysteria. It's fact.
Just because you aren't aware your druggie friends do this doesnt mean to say it's not one of the effects of the drug.

I know people who recreationally use cocaine and have never known any of them to frequent brothels.
Mumsnet hysteria at its best 👌🏻

Coke doesn’t really make you forget . You are more alert than alcohol.
I’m not sure about the forgiving tbh, my thoughts are don’t out yourself in these situations especially if your ment to value and have respect for your relationship.

He stayed out all night and there was other women there . Nope not a chance .
I mean what did he have to gain by going there is what I’d be asking ?
You won’t get the truth op

Of course it's a real possibility given the known behaviour of cocaine users. And also the known behaviour of some soldiers.
A " stranger's house" is an exceptionally weird terminology to use to describe where he was.

Seriously ? A brothel ? How do you come to that conclusion .

A brothel??!

FFS 🙄

@IamnotSethRogan yeah…no. And people do try to avoid certain brands because of their working practices.

You're not wrong but I can separate the end user from the awful crimes related to it because if you dont do that everyone in our society is probably culpable of some awful crime. Wear fast fashion? You're directly responsible for sweat shops. Use plastic products ? Polution. You bank with HSBC? You're complicit in money laundering for drug cartels. Buy nestle products ? Child labour. Use Apple products? Complicit in poor working conditions. Use petrol ? Oil spills and cover ups. Use Johnson and Johnson products? Sold baby powder with asbestos in it linked to cancer. Use social media? Privacy violations, fuel political violence.

Yeah coke is also an awful product with links to awful crimes but everything in society is tainted.

I wouldn't necessarily use the word 'wrong' myself. It's just that certain jobs need people with a particular mindset to be effective.

There is nothing wrong with most ex-Army men, don’t lump them all in together.

OP, you have every right to be very disappointed with your DP, and I would be mightily unimpressed by the drug-taking, but I think your DP sounds as though he has given you an honest account of what happened, so I’d say forgive and forget, but make it very clear that this is a one-off and not a free pass to misbehave every time he catches up with his old army mates.

@EndlessLaundry1 it’s incredible. People are horrified (rightly) by county line grooming and the murder of Olivia Pratt-Korbel and then say “it’s just a bit of coke” about the end user… Without the end user there is no county lines or gangland shootings that don’t care about innocents caught in the cross fire. These are directly connected.

The memory loss would concern me
because if he was so out of it he can’t remember then how would he have been in control? Id see how he is when you see him, find out why he got so bad and make sure never again.

Honestly, sounds like he had a lot of fun for old times sake

Nothing to forgive tbh, these things happen

If he was taking coke regularly, then that would be a huge issue imo x

I’m surprised I had to scroll this far to find an answer like this! All the people saying ‘it’s just a bit of coke’. It destroys people’s lives and and gives gangs an endless supply of money, which in turn strengthens their power and hold on communities.
If this was my partner I would be discussing this aspect of it with him when he got home and giving him a long list of podcasts and documentaries to chose from if he didn’t see how bad it is.

For what it’s worth if he was with ex army buddies he could almost certainly have just told you they got drunk and crashed at their house rather than this more complex story - it’s unlikely they would ever contradict it - so the more complex stuff sounds like the truth. I’d go with the rule - once is a mistake, twice is a choice.

Right to be fair though usually when people are on coke they aren't thinking about anything but the here and now.. and are just talking at 100mph about nonsense till they come down.
I took coke once in my 20s and I barely remembered anything about the entire 24hrs. Except that I'd been talking so much my voice was hoarse! I also went to a completely random person's flat which was full of other random people and to this day I have no idea who any of them were or what was said.. only that it seemed fun at the time and I was talking alot. Looking back they were the type of people I wouldn't have been able to even have a two word conversation with had I been sober. I'm sure I talked to a guy about cars for hours. I know nothing about cars.

He is who he is, not sure there’s anything to forgive as he hasn’t done anything against you. However, if you don’t like being with someone who goes on benders and takes coke, then end the relationship.

He took coke as a one off. Hardly the crime of the century. You said you thought it would get messy. So surely a bit of coke isn't the end of the world. As you say, he's old enough to know what he's doing. He apologised. He clearly doesn't do it regularly. I think you should forget it and move on.