People who give up on life

The ones I know have been held back by their mothers.

I know someone like this, work with him. Only he bought his parents house, so they live with him iyswim. It’s not through lack of his parents trying to get him to have his own life, and we’ve all tried at work to support him in finding other interests. He just doesn’t want to. God alone knows what will happen when his remaining parent dies. I think he’s used up everyone’s patience and goodwill.

This reminds me a bit of Adam Sandlers waterboy. Poor cousin, I imagine when you have gone that far in life just being only with your mum the idea of dating is too terrifying to consider 🙁

OP I work for a mental health team - I'm a social worker and therapist. I have seen quite a lot of what you describe. I really relate to what you say about how it all crumbles once the parent / parents die or have to go into a home, and the support network is snatched away.

I would add that:

1. I don't think this is anything new. I'm thinking of the 'old maid' stereotype in Jane Austen's literature: the daughter who ends up staying behind in life and caring for family because without marriage she can't find another social role.
2. Family members - parents and children - have always done a huge amount of unpaid behind-the-scene caring for one another. In the situations you describe, it seems the complexity is that both parties receive care from each other so it's a mutual entanglement, no doubt with benefits and drawbacks on both sides.
3. In some cases I think the adult child has such a level of difficulty - for example a severe learning disability or chronic mental health problem - that it would always have been difficult for them to live the sort of life that others think of as 'normal': successful career, spouse, kids. I know that people with all sorts of challenges are able to still live brilliant and worthwhile lives but there are some who will always need a level of care and support to be able to function. There are good things about that support coming from parents throughout your life but bad things too: the dependency, the emeshment, the fact that the parents of struggling adult children don't always support them to live the lives THEY want in the way that, for example, a professional social worker would ideally strive to do.
4. In other cases the adult child could have had a very different life and it is life circumstances that end up trapping them in this sort of caring role where they end up with little of their own. That of course then creates mental health problems in itself as depression, anxiety etc thrive on soil of low self-esteem, low autonomy and lack of connection with peers. A vicious cycle indeed.

Social services, mainly

Have dealt with family members, mainly siblings who have had these creatures, male and female foisted upon them after their parents die or are taken into care homes

Too old to benefit from any ASD, SEN, MH diagnoses, generally unemployable, and totally helpless in the face of the modern world, they are often brought to the attention of council and social services when the homes have to be sold to pay for care and they can't/won't move, the homes have to be sold as part of the inheritance or they run totally off the rails when their parents are no longer there to administer medication and keep them in line

There is a sad parade of them accompanying their mothers in shops most days

Anyone out there who doesn't fancy 'dumping' a label onto their child, this is what lies in store if you're not careful

Getting them diagnosed, known to health and social services and interacting with the outside world does wonders for them and makes traumatic life changes that bit easier

Autism wouldn't of been caught at school for people in their 40s/50s

Bil moved back in with his parents after his divorce. He is going to become such a person. He didn’t put the effort into his marriage and he’s even worse now but he’s a grown man and can’t be made to do anything.

Loneliness definitely isn't limited to men. But there is some data that supports the idea that men, after a certain age, become very reliant on their spouse for their emotional and social needs, whereas women (generally) understand that they need to have several sources of support and comfort in their lives.

I think there's also the fact that despite progress in recent decades, a lot of men are still socialised as boys to expect that their domestic needs will ultimately be managed by someone else (their wife) so they don't develop the skills they need to become socially autonomous.

Anecdotally, I've also seen in so many cases that women thrive after separating from marriages and LTRs while many men seem to go into a tailspin.

I know someone like this. He was always very socially anxious, never married and stayed living at home with his mum.
He became her carer and when she died, fortunately his brother said he could stay living in the house (as he inherited half).

His brother has been a massive support.
Fortunately he's always had to work, but I think mainly from home in a computer based job, so is still pretty isolated.

So what's everybody's answer to this apparent problem?

YANBU. I encounter a lot of them in my work also. They usually end up on benefits with addictions. They end up back at home for whatever reason ( divorce etc) and then drift into being carers for their parents. When said parent dies they have depression etc and end up on long term sickness benefits until they reach pension age . They absolutely make up the bulk of my over 50's benefit work caseload. Realistically they have little chance of working and get just a little less in benefits ( UC and PIP) as they would doing a low paid minimum wage job. They invariably have the parents council tenancy passed on them or live in the family home and can manage on benefits.

I’ve seen it happen to women - but I come from an Irish Catholic background and there was always one daughter left as a “spinster” to take care of mammy and daddy and be a general dogsbody so I don’t think it’s solely a male thing.

It’s recognisably a more male issue though, in many cultures.

I’ve even noticed in DD’s friends and the children of people I know. The girls can all cook and have hobbies and socialise in RL, and thrift and craft and do drama and music and on and on. The boys can’t cook, don’t have proper chores, game and play football (or another sport) if that. Meaning the girls have life skills and emotional connections and the boys don’t. Of course there are HUGE variations, but there is a theme.

My colleague at work moans about his son doing nothing and living in a tip of a room, but I know the man’s wife and he does nothing and lives in a tip-like way. His house is nice because his wife cleans). If he split up with her, he’d probably be dead in a decade.

I think it's unreasonable to paint this as a "man" problem as there are countless women in a similar position.

It's partly a modern society / structural issue IMHO. Lack of community, lack of support services, family crises overtaking an individual that are stressful and leave a person with little time for their own needs as the have to deal with stuff on a day to day basis and end up in survival mode with functional depression.

If you're asking if it's unreasonable that end stage capitalism is leaving people with fewer options to achieve stability, security and good mental health, then I agree.

If however you are implying that people are somewhat defective and should do better regardless of the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, particularly if they're men, then you are unreasonable as it's extremely complex.

YANBU DH knows a few men like this, I know a couple of women who are the same. We also have a neighbour like it.

Some have bought the house next to their mother, some have bought siblings out, to be honest I think it’s a bit of a cheek to expect inheritance when the child has been caring for the parent for decades (and parent would have had to otherwise sell their home to pay for nursing homes).
We had a work colleague who cared for their mum until her nineties and he’s in his seventies and not at all well mentally. He’s lost his reason for being. As a parent I will not let DD do it for me.

If undiagnosed autism, you’d hope it was caught at school. Undiagnosed depression, health. Other vulnerabilities, SS. The system is too overwhelmed to go and look for more clients. But it’s failing some people.

And the answer to your question OP is yes. Lots of middle-aged, lonely, isolated, scraping by, unconnected men. Whether they are in a bedsit/HMO, living with family, even homeless in some cases.

This is why men with wives live longer and are happier. PP had it right that a pattern is that women are men’s counsellor, social secretary, partner, nanny, cleaner, friend and everything else. Men are women’s (sometimes not great) partner. A bloke at work just got dumped by his lovely partner. He is already turning bitter and blames women for everything. It’s deeply unattractive and he’s unlikely to find anyone else.

Loneliness has the same effect on health as 15 cigarettes a day. And it’s ‘worse’ for men.

The point is that it shouldn't be posted in this category. There are other, more suitable categories, such as Chat or Relationships. It's not a heinous crime, but it's a bit annoying if there's no AIBU.

Yes. I know a few via work.

I have a friend whose son is like this. He must be around fifty now and is obese and shy, but with no diagnosis. I think it has been described as “Failure to launch”.
I don’t know what he will do when she dies and his sibling demands her share of the family home.

Another friend who has a son with mild learning difficulties insisted on and then supported him to get a flat of his own, volunteer in a charity shop, and keeps an eye on him as he finds his way in the community. His outcomes will be a lot better, even though some people thought she was being terribly hard hearted.

What do you expect the authorities to do? It's not a crime to live with your parents well into middle age, even if most of us wouldn't aspire to that.

An interesting subject nonetheless, to some of us.

Do you have a better AIBU that we could consider?