People who give up on life

Thanks for responding. Yes we have lots of family, siblings, cousins etc. I also encourage DC into local autism youth groups and we are part of a wonderful Church.
I fear that there are many like him, too autistic to get a job, and so support himself, but not autistic enough to qualify for any form of support.

Faults on both sides clearly and I imagine that is generally the case, it's just that the mothers are getting blamed for it and the fathers aren't for some reason.

Its not enough just to say “this is what this person is like, they are a loner/dysfunctional/introvert”. Why isn’t society enabling people to participate? How can we change it?

So basically all the people who are just introverted, perfectly happy leading their atypical lives, or have no interest in participating in other people's ideas of what they should be doing, can't just be left to do their own thing, and this is something that needs changed whether they want it to change or otherwise?

Sure, there are people who are "trapped" or have been denied opportunities through no fault of their own, and yes, society needs to think about how to help these people give themselves a leg up, but society also needs to respect the fact that some people choose to live what is perceived to be an "atypical" life and leave them in peace to get on with it.

This is why I totally understand why some people bristle at terms like "failure to launch", because it reinforces this idea that there is only one acceptable way to "do" life, and school - university - career - mortgage - marriage - children is the only permitted and acceptable path, otherwise you are somehow living your life to the detriment of wider society. It's outdated nonsense, and frankly it's highly offensive.

Well my living circumstances and age match, but my point is that many of us, and there are countless thousands who care for our elderly relatives at home (as was absolutely the norm not that long ago) do so whilst going about normal(ish) lives - there are sacrifices, if you can call them that, but I'd not change a thing.

I suspect that may be because the fathers just absent themselves (either by leaving or hiding behind work) and abdicate responsibility for how their kids are raised.

Do you have family who could look after him if something happens to you? Do you have younger siblings or your DP? Or nieces / nephews who are friends with your son? Even in adulthood my cousins and I are friends and help each other.

DS is one who would say he’s happy with a simple life. That’s fine, and he earns, works, looks after himself. He isn’t in this category- but easily could be. He’ll be retiring around the age we start needing care, and could easily see moving in with us as the obvious solution. Reading this makes it evident that I need to make sure that doesn’t happen.

There’s a difference between choosing a simple life and having no choices.

Those who think this thread is talking about them and feel offended are probably mistaken. This isn’t ’people who live with their parents’. It’s people who for whatever reason opt out of the majority of normal life and can’t get back in.

@MistressoftheDarkSide

Depends whether your motivation is truly because you want people to have a comfortable and fulfilling life both materially and mentally for their own benefit, or if it's so they aren't a drain on other people and resources. People with little confidence after negative life experiences also tend to be very wary of people "trying to help them" when it's done out if sanctimonious or pity. We can smell it a mile off. We don't want to be a "project".

I get that. That’s understandable.

And yet… to be blunt, someone’s reluctance to face up to what’s holding them back in life shouldn’t be a get out of jail free card. Someone who at 45 who is living with their elderly parents and isnt willing to change this (as opposed to someone who is disabled) needs a radical intervention. Its not sustainable.

It may be a problematic analogy but if someone is morbidly obese, they will certainly be embarrassed and avoid facing the matter, they may feel shame. Persuading someone in this scenario to consider weight loss strategies is a big challenge because of stigma (which is one reason weight loss drugs have taken off as they have).

But while everyone agrees that obesity is a huge problem, people seem to shrug when faced with the question of how to deal with social isolation or mid life inertia. Its every bit as much of a risk as obesity or alcoholism (in fact it may be causative). But its waved off as being something which society cannot engage with or tackle in any meaningful way.

To answer your question about whether I am more concerned with people’s wellbeing or the burden on society, I am concerned about both. The impact on the whole of our society is profoundly negative and worrying and underpins so many of our current malaises, from political extremism and the rise of conspiracy theories to depression to unemployment.

I think we need to have compassion for people trapped in these situations but I also think the celebration of social isolation that I read about on here and encounter in day to day life needs to be addressed. Its not enough just to say “this is what this person is like, they are a loner/dysfunctional/introvert”. Why isn’t society enabling people to participate? How can we change it?

Its really sad to see these situations.
Many years ago i had a client who was an awful domineering frumpy old fashioned woman ,she had a daughter roughly the same age as me ,the poor girl had a terrible 'set perm' similar to the what the queen had ,just like her mothers and wore buttoned neck blouses, A line skirts and sensible shoes again the same as her mother.
She looked so down trodden but would light up if she was ever spoken to by myself or my colleagues.
I think her mother had money from where she lived and that the daughter was never encouraged to work or get further educated , just become her mothers 'companion'.
I often think about her and wonder what became of her , the mother would be ancient now if still alive , i hope she managed to break free and live her own life but looking back i don't think she stood much of a chance.
It is unforgivable to treat your child in such a way that they never develop their own identity and self confidence to live life.

Or parents rent.

So you aren’t one of the people OP is talking about then!

Too true, I have a neighbour like this, his mum died a few years ago and he seems to have no family or social connections.

A few years back, I met a quite nice man while doing OLD. It transpired that his last remaining parent had recently died, and he had always lived with his parents in the family home.I asked him why he'd never left home (he was upwards of 50 at this point) and he just replied that he didn't know. I was surprised at his lack of insight and self-knowledge. I also ended our dating relationship, as I didn't want to be a replacement parent. I did feel sorry for him, though....all those formative experiences through all those years he'd missed out on.

My uncle is another who has never left the family home. After his mum died, he just hung around on his own in the house. He had a lorry driving job for a while but it didn't last.

Ah fair point

Well, I'm one of the men you describe OP, I'm still at home at 46, but have a degree, a 22 year teaching career, launched a business 5 years ago that is phasing out teaching (had enough, but not quite gone yet!). Good circle of friends. I cared for my dad through his long decline with dementia, and now mum, who is very frail.

Of course when she dies I'll be very sad, but that's the way of the world, I'll have plenty to do to keep me occupied! and plan to get some much overdue travelling in.

I'm sure the people you describe do exist, but not all of us who provide care to our parents are no hopers!!

@NImumconfused well in my family’s case it was my grandmother who was the head of the family and created the dynamic after being abandoned by a feckless husband.

His fault was his lack of engagement and support, hers was control and enabling dysfunction.

It was a fucking mess.

I have a close relative who was in this sort of situation. She never married; although she went on plenty of dates, she says now she always thought she’d have more time in the future, that she enjoyed being a home bird and preferred being home to socialising. It all seemed a lot of effort for her and she refused invitations out. She continued to go on holiday with her parents and moved them into her home as they became elderly.

Now she’s in her sixties and has several health conditions that cause her terrible pain. And when we talk she often says she wasted her life, that if she could go back in time she’d do things totally differently. Accept invitations, meet people, go on dates. But that’s hindsight, I guess. It’s all very sad… she looked after her parents for years, made them the centre of her world, and now they’ve gone, her own health has deteriorated and she can’t enjoy the life she might have built for herself.

She tells people frankly that it was an unhealthy situation. She knew that at the time. But she always assumed she’d have time, and her health, not realising the years go by so quickly and life is short. Perhaps her parents could have encouraged her more to have an independent life.

Oops SCHOOL not evil!

Some people on the thread seem to assume that if a diagnosis of autism or depression is obtained there would be help or support of some kind out there. In my experience this isn’t the case!

I think it is hard for some of these parents as how do you encourage your children to leave, especially given the problems with the rental market. You can give ultimatums and so on, but then you may feel you run the risk of your adult child becoming homeless or estranged from you. What is the best way as a parent to support a adult child like this?

The parent can’t put their own selfish need to care aside when their child becomes an adult, they continue to treat their adult offspring like a child therefore destroying self esteem and confidence

I think a lot of the time they are just too bloody lazy to do anything about it. The mum does the childcare, does the housework, then just carries on in the the mum role from childhood to adulthood. Dad just sits there getting his washing done and not getting involved in any parenting decisions for an easy life.

@Dappy777 this is rife in my family the generation above me.

My mum was from a big family and the men are universally like this. It’s something that (in our case) stems from bad home life, using the boy children as surrogates for relationships and support, and the women as workers in the house.

I am a bit of a black sheep because I refuse to follow this toxic dynamic.

My children are both autistic and I encourage independence where possible, and will not use them as an emotional support animal.

There are now a raft of men in my family looking for constant financial support from their sisters since their mother died. It’s very sad, dysfunctional, and upsetting.

One uncle has drained the savings of his sister because of drugs issues and the enmeshed dynamic means she felt she couldn’t say no.

It is an interesting dynamic; the parent has a need (care) that gives the child a purpose.

My brother in his late 50s was diagnosed has having bipolar in his late teens before eventually going on many years later to being diagnosed with autism. It certainly wasn’t common knowledge back in the 70s early 80s.