People who give up on life

I think the OP means these men are struggling and as they have no social footprint, they fall under the radar

I think it is quite common for middle aged men to live at home with parents. Some never find a partner so do not leave home, and others have a relationship that fails and they move home.
The ones I have come across usually have a job but fairly lowly. Most stay by their choice, not that their mother wanted them to as others here suggest. Most are not carers for their mothers either, but she is cooking/cleaning for her son long past the age you would expect to be doing this.

But he works so nothing like the people OP's talking about.

I also know people who live with their parents, but it's totally different to what this thread is about I think. I don't know anybody like the OP describes, presumable because those people don't work or socialise so I wouldn't meet them anywhere.

@XDownwiththissortofthingX are you totally self sufficient, and able to look after yourself?
I don’t see that as a problem as you say. This is more about people who may end up homeless, can’t book a plumber, don’t do essential repairs, hoard.

There’s an old quote that we should give our children ‘roots and wings’. I know men and women who have ‘failed to launch’ in this way and I think it’s a mix of factors that cause it. On the plus side, I have a cousin with special needs and when he got to his 40’s and his dad died, his mum arranged for him to have residential living and a part time job. He’s having a great time - he comes home every week for one sleepover and dinner and I know she misses him. However, I admire her for putting his needs first.

I am not "hugely social" or organised. I would like to be but I regularly go for months without speaking to anyone under the age of eighty. I think I'm not immediately identified as one of these because Im female and its expected of me because I don't have hobbies, friends, commitments. I take showers. I stay in my bedroom all day.

I’m really sorry this is how you feel right now. I’m not going to argue with you, but you don’t sound at all like the people I am thinking of. Just someone who’s had a rough ride and needs some time and space to lick her wounds. You don’t sound at all like someone who’d abdicate responsibility for everything.

I agree with others, there's an awful snooty, sneery judgemental tone to this thread and implied virtue. For what it's worth I know plenty of married, house owning, professional parents with friends and hobbies who are incredibly fucked up unhappy people. Yet these are the yardsticks that seem to equate with "sound, healthy, good person". Not true.

In fairness, there is quite a lot of effort made to reach and help lonely men. In my village alone there's a men's wellbeing group and a mental health group. Add to this the usual activities, walking groups, sports, the gym, the greater ease with which solo men can move about and go wherever they choose without the caution women tend to apply, and I'm struggling to see what 'society' can do more. Sometimes it's a case of you can lead the horse to water.

I agree that "introvert" is often misused, but regardless, it describes people who don't adhere to the typical idea of having an active social group, family, circle of friends etc that most people deem essential in order to remain healthy and well.

FWIW, I am a misanthropic social hermit, but I wouldn't describe myself as introverted. I'm not socially anxious, I don't have any issues at all with social interaction, I certainly don't find it in any way "difficult", it just doesn't benefit me any to spend what I consider excessive time in the company of other people. I don't crave company, I don't enjoy it for the most part, and I'm far, far happier being left alone to the point whereby I'd rather people just didn't contact me at all rather than inviting me to participate constantly.

Over time I've become more comfortable with simply saying "no" to invitations, but I know it still prompts this idea that there is somehow something "wrong" with me, and that I'm missing out and must somehow be damaging myself by not participating. I'm not, at all. I'm perfectly happy and content. What would damage me is feeling compelled to oblige other people and sit through social occasions when I'd far rather just be at home pottering about doing my own thing.

Some people don't actually need the company of others, and they are perfectly happy and well without it. Yet an inability to comprehend this in some quarters still persists, and the default is that anyone who eschews what is considered "typical" in terms of social/family life must somehow be defective. It's not true at all.

The issue is, if you didn't know me and you looked at my life, you would immediately conclude I am one of your examples of someone who has "retreated into their bedroom" and am isolating myself, and therefore, I must either be damaged myself, or I'm somehow damaging someone else. I'm not, I just choose not to participate socially because I'm happier that way, but you wouldn't know this unless you asked me, so anything else is just lazy assumption.

I think you are mischaracterising yourself. You aren’t what this thread is about: you sound like a person with huge social value.

Actually some examples quoted have been just that, men who got divorced, went home and never left.

And part of the question is about post bereavement situations. Which applies to me. I may have got out there and done stuff, but I have nothing to show for it, and no anchors in the community, and little scope for just rocking up anywhere with a flourish and re-establishing myself.

The whole topic is essentially about a section of society who appear to not conform to where they should be given their age, who don't appear to want to engage, and who are alleged to be a problem for the greater collective. I believe the term used was misanthropic hermit. (Scrooge?) I would argue that such a character would be barely observed and less of a problem than most.

Exactly and what business it of anyones really.

Let them be. It's their life. They're not coming on here judging and discussing your life OP.

Are they loosers though, my definition of a looser could be someone who Gets a job sitting at a computer, doing something in admin, working long hours, spending most of it paying a mortgage or rent, having a holiday once a year, and hoping they have good enough health and enough pension to enjoy retirement - or indeed not, entirely depends on your viewpoint, and ultimately, to quote Bad Lurman "the race in life is long, but ultimately its just against yourself"

I hear you, alongside mum I have two other local elderly who I look in to and help out - neither you, nor I are failures, or anything detrimental - the way we have chosen / or circumstances led us to lead our life is no one else's business.

I feel very fulfilled, and I always use my late uncle as an example of the perils of normal life, he climbed the corporate greasy pole, worked long hours doing something in the city, had a holiday to the costa plonks once a year they told him to bugger off with a crappy gold clock a 65, his health went down hill, into a home and died - if that's you choice in life great, but I reckon I have a better time of it!!

It sounds as though you are hugely social, doing loads of community work.

This isn’t you.
Anymore than it was me when I was on the parish council and hugely active in the community it’s, but not doing paid work.

I have a male relative like this. He was completely indulged by parents who were afriad of upsetting him, and as such never built any resilience or had any drive.

Absolutely! Like there will always be busybody’s too.

But this isn’t you! You have taken risks, been out there, done things.

Shit happens- and it sounds as though you have had far more than your fair share!

This isn’t about people who have been through the wringer and come home to recover.

You have described in a very nice, non-judgemental way a Loser. This is not something new, there are always life’s losers. Let them be.

It sounds like you're fulfilling a valuable social role, and have good social and organisational skills.

I think I'm the type of person you describe. I'd never actually thought of myself as a social problem until I read these comments. I'm not in the benefits system.

It's hard to go and socialise when I'm not just the default on call person for my immediate family but also for other elderly people in the community whose own children and grandchildren have responsible jobs far away.

@XDownwiththissortofthingX

So basically all the people who are just introverted, perfectly happy leading their atypical lives, or have no interest in participating in other people's ideas of what they should be doing, can't just be left to do their own thing, and this is something that needs changed whether they want it to change or otherwise?

I have no problem with people leading atypical lives or living as suits them. I think having agency in how you determine your path in life is critical and I am not advocating everyone should follow some identical path into climbing the corporate ladder.

But I disagree with your contention about being “introverted”. I think this word is now widely misapplied to describe “someone with chronic social anxiety”. True introverts aren’t people who shun society and retreat into their bedrooms or their immediate family. Being an introvert just describes the way you gain energy in your life.

But it’s been coopted by people who find social interaction difficult as a kind of justification for limiting contact with other people. Choosing to limit social contact and enjoying your own company is not the same thing as being a misanthropic social hermit. This attitude gives people air cover to isolate themselves in an incredibly damaging way.

Well said.

To be clear (and I accept it sounds like I'm making it all about me) I have "launched" about four times, only to have the rug pulled out by genuinely unforeseen circumstances each time.

So now, heading into my late 50s, I'm mentally, physically and emotionally exhausted, and I'm not the world's preferred demographic by dint of age and sex.

If I'm choosing to "give up on life" right now, can't i just be left to regroup without the implication I'm defective, detrimental and a burden to society? The only certainty is change, so I might, things might, and maybe some of the very broad ranging group in question also might.

But I tell you something, railroading and scolding is likely to have quite the opposite effect.